DH forces me to get a driver's license

[hairdressserintown]

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

I missed the post about you feeling useless because you struggle with everyday tasks. Do have a read of the link I posted, this all sounds quite familiar to me. I can't drive, either, and it would be madness for me to try!

I live in the countryside. We are 20 mins drive from a railway station. There are no pavements, no bus service.

Even tiny children have to get a coach to school (escorted minibus for the very little ones).

We are 8 miles from a supermarket or shop of any type. it is bliss but 2 cars are essential. You DH is not being unreasonable. If you can't learn to drive you need to stay in reach of good public transport - and that means not anywhere properly rural!

YANBU at all, you should not be forced to do something you do not want to do. I failed 4 driving tests, and have high anxiety, I just don't live in the countryside, I get about using taxi, bus, walking, occasionally dh, he is not the sole driver. After 20 years, my friend gave me the push I needed to learn to drive and have booked lessons in an automatic car, i will take a few tests, if I do not pass them, driving is obviously not for me. Not everybody has the skills to drive, some really should not be on the road.

Rural living is undoable if you work,have children ,don't need to go shopping.Any transport that is there could change drastically at anytime.
However,at least put in for your practical test.If you can't pass it then at least you have tried and are not scuppering your husband's dreams on purpose.

YABU - it's doesn't make sense to move to the country if he is going to be the sole driver. Once you learn how to drive it becomes second nature. There are now driving schools for small children - my 11 year olds had a driving lesson with their friends for their birthday party.

As a non driver I know I cannot live in the Country, tbh I would not want to. Your buggered if you are not able to drive, I like to be near amenaties and not isolated.

Agree with other rural dwelling posters. Buses are few and far between and where we lived, there were none EVER! I drove all the shaggingtime and that’s partly why we moved back to suburban/countryside. Your DH is def not being unreasonable and he’s actuslly being eminently sensible.

How would you feel being almost housebound when you move to the country if you cannot drive? It is not unreasonable of you to not want to drive, but it is to expect your DH to do all the driving.

It isn't just the school run, but play dates and parties when he is potentially at work. Then all the activities your DD will miss out on if you cannot get her there.

When you have slightly older children (from school age until they can drive themselves) you are a permanent taxi driver even when there is a good bus service. Without one? you and your DD are destined to be stuck at home for years to come.

I agree with your DH.

You are

My husband told me we couldn't have children until I could drive, so I booked an intensive driving course last June. Half way through it I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I passed and it's the best thing I ever did. I can't thank my husband enough for 'forcing' me to do it. I too had failed 3 times prior and given up.

Thank you for all the replies, everyone. I am still going through all of your posts to give it some thought.

TBH, my DH is probably not unreasonable to suggest that I get tested and/or get proper support. I have always suspected I probably do have some kind of learning disabillity (I'm still young) but hate the idea of being potentially diagnosed with anything and my DH looking down on me. He sometimes likes to test my math skills - if we are having a conversation, he'd randomly ask me what 24+9 is, even though he knows I have no clue - and I find it so humiliating. I also struggle with left/right, telling the time, counting money, understanding signs etc. hence me not being thrilled with the idea of driving!

OP, I totally understand and sympathise with your reluctance to drive. I have dyspraxia and it sounds like you might have too. I don’t have trouble with telling left from right, but my spatial awareness isn’t great and I can’t remember verbal instructions. I passed my driving test when I was 24 after three attempts. I now live somewhere where it would be tricky if I didn’t drive, and there are certain driving situations I avoid . E.g. if DH and I go on a big day trip somewhere, he does the driving! There’s no way I could multi task with driving, talking to a passenger, following a sat nav all at the same time.

I drive an automatic, which does make things easier, and when I was learning to drive I had a lovely, incredibly calm and patient female instructor. This made a big difference. It might be worth trying again, but if you really don’t feel comfortable driving then that’s understandable, and your DH will have to accept this.

OP your husband really doesn't sound very nice. If he's silently pressuring you in to thinking moving to the country is something you want but can't have because of your own 'inadequacies' as he sees them that is not acceptable. And if you do end up moving and he's as condescending and mean as he sounds it's going to be a lonely isolated life for you. Is there anyone you can chat to in real life about him with (even without the driving issue!)

OP have just read your latest update. Your DH is doing things which are unfair and I would suggest quite cruel. Have you told him how it makes you feel? What does he say in response?

Next time your husband tries to give you an arithmetic test, ask him can he spell "dickhead".

However, if you really can't face driving, then moving to the countryside would be disastrous. Especially as you would be increasingly reliant on your DH.

But don't be put off by failing twice, many of us did that. The advice about getting an automatic is good - it's like driving a dodgem.

There are a couple of different points, OP, that need to be considered. You sound very much as though you have dyspraxia, which is a developmental condition rather than a learning difficulty, with no relationship to intelligence. I think that you would be happier with a diagnosis and a better understanding of what help you can get to live with it and find workarounds. Having a diagnosis may also help you curb some of your husband's bullying.

Second point is the driving. I suspect that I also have undiagnosed dyspraxia to a milder degree. It took me three attempts to pass my test, failing on a different point each time. Because I was tested in a very rural town (no traffic lights or roundabouts!), I was lucky enough to have the same examiner who pointed out that I'd done the failed thing perfectly two out of three times so was putting it down to nerves and passed me. I now drive an automatic and find my way either by Google maps on my mobile or by map. I too have difficulty understanding things that aren't broken down into small chunks, and took a long time to sort out left and right. Write it on your hands during lessons and the test!

As for rural living, I grew up in a large village and now live half a mile from a smaller one. It takes me around half an hour to get to the nearest bus stop and buses are very limited. It would take me a minimum of 2+ hours and at least two buses to get to work as opposed to 35 minutes by car. We only have a shop and a primary school; the next village has a health centre but sometimes the buses only run during school terms. Again, two buses and a couple of hours to get to the dentist. Taxis are extortionate. With 4x4 drive in my automatic, I can get to the supermarket when the buses can't run. If I don't drive, I don't get back to the village late at night, then have a walk down an unlit road with no pavement.

So try with an automatic and give it a good shot. Also see if your husband will compromise on a small town/large village with good transport links and easy access to the countryside. Planning permission is very difficult to get - the guy who owns the land next to me has been trying for 20 years and I know of a few people who have had to live in a portacabin for years to prove that their farm/smallholding requires the house to be rebuilt and someone there 24hrs.

Good luck!

gosh he sounds horrible

in terms of driving - you mention you have issues with left and right and following instructions. My sister passed her test in spite of these issues, but it took her several attempts and was a total waste of time and money because after about 4 short drives on her own, she realised she couldn't cope with the roads.

i believe there are a lot of people on the road who are the same as her but just doggedly carry on driving without thinking they'll cause an accident.

so I will say, don't be one of those. Also, is it possible your DH wants to move and thinks the reality is you won't learn to drive and will be quite dependent on him - and maybe likes that idea? He sounds very mean to you.

I wouldn't want to be the only driver in a family either, but it sounds like he's really nasty so I can't help wondering what else is at work.

He’s right. You won’t want to be stuck at home in a rural community without a car. Learn or just stay in an urban setting.

OP, listen to what VivaKondo posted. I think she's hit the nail on the head.

Depends where in the countryside he wants to live. I live in rural Gloucestershire and plenty of mothers don't drive. They live in the village and walk the kids to school.
Some even get given a taxi service paid for by the council if they live too far from the village school.
As for buses, well, choose your village location well and you can still get around without a car.

I’d recommend you at least try, I can’t drive due to a medical condition and I live in the countryside, it’s very very very isolating and I would not recommend it to anyone. I’m going to be alone this weekend as dh away, so I won’t be leaving the house until he gets back so no nipping to shops etc for me. My biggest worry is one day dh breaking an arm/leg etc then we’d be so far up shit creek, how would we get to shops or doctors or anything.
Im hoping to be able to take some driving lessons next year when I’ve stopped the medication I’m on.

OP some of what you are describing sounds Neurological - have you ever had a neurological exam?

I hate driving and am so nervous I’m not safe really.

I’ve had so many people tell me to get over myself and just drive. I tried, got my license, drove. Still unsafe. Still hated it.

I think we live in a car obsessed society where we tolerate unsafe driving and accidents and pollution.

However, I would not move somewhere isolated. There are countryside places near public transport, so you don’t have to give up where you want to live.