DH forces me to get a driver's license

[hairdressserintown]

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

For anyone with issues with left and right (and its very common!), put your hands up in front of you and put your first finger and thumb out, at a right angle. Only one of them makes an L for LEFT!

Good tip for kids as well.

OP. Just saying that my mum used to be married to a guy (not my dad) who would pull stunts like the maths thing. Deliberately use words she wouldn't understand etc. It took her 15 years to leave him, but she did.

My DH has never attempted to belittle me, or to comment on my educational ability, and I have never done so to him. If you do move, consider strongly leaving 15 stone of waste behind you. Just saying.

He's not my idea of a catch. And he's teaching your DC that this is how you treat women / their mother.

There seem to be two questions here -

Can I live in the countryside without driving? - Probably not

But the second question, which is coming through your posts is is my husband a controlling arse - to which the answer is yes. If he is asking you random maths questions like that is it simply to make you feel small and nothing else. He is pushing the idea of wanting to move to the countryside. He is an arse and you need to re-eveluate your relationship with him.

but hate the idea of being potentially diagnosed with anything and my DH looking down on me. He sometimes likes to test my math skills - if we are having a conversation, he'd randomly ask me what 24+9 is, even though he knows I have no clue - and I find it so humiliating.

Well, now, that's just him being an asshole! That's a whole other problem. If my DH did that I'd tell him 24+9=fuck off and die, prick. Honestly, hair next time he does something like that give him a face, roll your eyes, and tell him that you are no longer in school and that all exams are O.V.E.R.!

I'm not good with maths (my fault, I hated it) and I can't judge 'how many feet' something is or guess a weight for toffee. DH is a whiz at all three. But he would NEVER 'test' me nor does he ever criticize me if I ask him to divide something in his head for me or ask "How many square feet is our living room?". Of course, he can't spell for shit so I help him there.

Bollocks to driving and the countryside - what about this arse of a DH? It is not normal for him to be issuing you with random maths questions, it really isn't. Please don't isolate yourself with this man, he's an abusive prick.

To a certain degree, many learner drivers have the same concerns as you currently do. When I started taking lessons at 17, I was absent minded to the point that I was seriously worried that I would forget to look out of my window and hit a cyclist etc. But as you take lessons you become more and more aware, and driving nuances become second nature to you. A supportive driving instructor will really help - my instructor was extremely alert so he helped me notice and correct my forgetful habits to the point that I’m now a very careful driver years later. Honestly find a good instructor, let them know your concerns and give lessons another go. You may surprise yourself with how you comfortable you can feel driving

Take a lesson or two, see how u go

I literally cannot get my head around how anyone can function in life without being able to drive. I would find it so impairing and restricting. It seriously narrows your life choices, your social life, your hobbies, and your career options.

Many employers will not consider an employee for a job if they cannot drive, even if the job does not require it. One company I worked for considered people very unmotivated and a bit backward if they were over 25 and could not drive. I have also known a number of women who would never consider dating a man who cannot drive.

First thing I did when I hit 17 was take driving lessons. Passed before 18. Never looked back. I know a few people who have never driven, and never attempted to, and I think of them as very stunted.

I live in a quaint little village in the sticks and we have buses into town every ten minutes from 5am to midnight.

No village 'in the sticks' has a bus to town every 10 minutes from 5am til midnight.

Must be a village on an A road, 10 - 20 minutes drive from Wolverhampton.

@hairdressserintown

You are being VERY unreasonable to not at least TRY learning to drive if she and her DH are moving to the country. Why should HE always be the designated driver?

my DH looking down on me. He sometimes likes to test my math skills - if we are having a conversation, he'd randomly ask me what 24+9 is, even though he knows I have no clue - and I find it so humiliating.

OP
Your husband is an arse.
You stay in the city. Let him move

@SpitefulMidlifeAnimal

Bollocks to driving and the countryside - what about this arse of a DH? It is not normal for him to be issuing you with random maths questions, it really isn't. Please don't isolate yourself with this man, he's an abusive prick.

What the actual fuck?

Agree with everything you say snow though it's not a popular view on here!

First thing I did when I hit 17 was take driving lessons. Passed before 18. Never looked back. I know a few people who have never driven, and never attempted to, and I think of them as very stunted.

I didn't pass until nineteen (took a while as I didn't have a car to practice in or anyone to go out with me) and I was one of the latest in my group of friends.

I have dyspraxia and it sounds like you might have some kind of similar issue.

I think you need to tell him that you are not prepared to drive and are quite happy to stay where you are.

If living in the country is more important to him than his family then I guess he will go. Or he can compromise by getting his own way and you move somewhere that you do not have to drive. I do agree that most properly rural places do require driving though so I suspect you will have to stay put.

If he is regularly nasty about your issues I am not sure why you would want to move anywhere with him to be honest. If my DP/DH mocked my dyspraxia they would find themselves single PDQ

The OP has said she has tried driving. It may seem simple to most people but some people just cannot do it. I'm one of those people. I tried, I just can't, even an automatic is a big no. And I'm not 'stunted' thank you very much. Wow.

However I agree that the big issue here is having a husband that belittles you OP and the maths test is horrible. I used to date a dyslexic and I would never have randomly given him a spelling test.

Okay, if it was your idea to move to the countryside and you expected your DH to be "the driver" for everything, then yes, I'd say YABU.

But it doesn't sound like this is the case. It sounds like you're happy where you are,with plenty of public transport, and your DH (and I use the "D" loosely) is pushing for you to get your license so you can make a move that HE solely wants. Add in the comments and random maths testing, and my suggestion is to tell your "D"H to move his sorry arse wherever the fuck he'd like and you'll stay right you where are,thank you very much.

I'll point out that while I CAN drive (and did for many many years), I currently live in London and do not NEED to drive, so got rid of my car. My ex didn't drive and for the longest time was very much expecting me to drop everything and drive him wherever he needed to go. It created a LOT of resentment, as he fully expected me to pack up our 2children into the car and drive him wherever/whenever. I finally got tired of it and said "look, I appreciate that you either can't or don't want to drive, but I am not your taxi service. You need to be independent enough to use public transport!" We lived in an area that had decent public transport close to our house, so there was no reason he couldn't do so.

I can't do sums like that OP - but have an A-level in maths.

I can do maths on paper fine - but anything that requires me to use short term memory is an issue.

OP this may sound like an irrelevant question but bear with me:

You say you're still young. How long have you been with this man who tests and belittles you? And to what extent do your various confusions/problems with following instructions etc pre-date him? Were they noticeable at school?

Thanks @limonviola

It is true though, rightly or wrongly, you will be judged for not being able to drive (over 25 at least,) and many employers will hold it against you.

Unless of course you have a very good reason - like severe anxiety! or an illness or condition that means you'd be a danger of course!

I am sorry for the OP if is she genuinely scared of driving, but she cannot move out to the countryside if she cannot drive, and expect her DH to do all the driving.

Also, the stuff about him mocking her and judging her etc, came much later on in the thread, when she had had a bunch of YABU posts, and also she said it was her DH's idea to move to the country, (later in the thread,) but said in her OP that they BOTH wanted to move to the countryside.

SO I am not sure what I believe with the drip feeding and inconsistencies .

I was mid-thirties before I could drive. I tried but couldn't do it...like you, I mixed up right and left, couldn't read maps etc. and seemed to have mild spatial problems. I just couldn't get the hang of gears and couldn't do several things at once (like foot pedals and moving a gear stick while concentrating on the road) - this stopped me from driving.

In the end we moved to the countryside and yes, you do need to be able to drive. I tried again but learned on an automatic car. Basically you start it, point it and go....you can concentrate on steering it without having to do anything else (except speed up or brake!!). It still took me 3 goes to pass but I did and have been driving for years since. It means that my licence is only for automatics so my cars have only been automatic.

I suggest yo do the same. Discuss it with your DH and 'meet him half-way' - you will take the lessons but the compromise is that you'll learn on an automatic, which he must accept....if you can't afford a car each, it will have an impact on the family car.

Some roads in the country have no where to walk on and a bus once an hour.

Once an hour would be very, very good! 3-4 times a day if you’re lucky, often not even that.

Three times a week in my village unless you want a really long walk to the next village.

I learned to drive as soon as I turned 17, as did everyone else. When you have teenagers they want to go out and it was really annoying having to rely on parents to drop me anywhere. You need to be able to drive, even getting milk means a drive.

Apart from that, your DH sounds like a twat. Testing you? Tell him to fuck off.

Was your first attempt/s in manual? I couldn't deal with manual either, so automatic made it so much easier and less stressful for me.

And yes, when I first tried to drive I jumped out of my skin all the time and was convinced I would crash into everything., but it did pass.

Only other tip, from bitter experience - never practice driving with your husband.

ive also got coordination and left right issues etc, and found driving hard to learn, but i tried automatic and that made things so much easier.

If you move to the country, youll have to drive. They dont often have little shops or self sufficient communities or horses and carts anymore, so if you want to move far away from civilisation, youre just gonna have to learn to drive somehow

I have a lot of your issues, OP. Unfortunately the concept of transport as a public service in the UK is long gone, so it is not really feasible to move to countryside without you both being able to drive. It's a pollution nightmare too

Mumsnet is weird as fuck about driving. I know no one who gives a fuck if other people drive. Less people in cars the better. And it was obvious in the op he was a dick. Pressuring op to drive when she's showing strong signs of having a condition. Later posts confirm he's a massive prick.

Oswin people don't care whether other people drive until it seriously impacts them (as it would living in the middle of nowhere, where in the UK there are often no pavements or cycle paths on country roads, without transport and with kids. The driver of the couple then has to taxi the kids everywhere rather than 50/50 and has to drive the non driver to work and everywhere they wish to go).

Being a non driver living in a city generally impacts on nobody because there is public transport and there are things within walking distance.

That doesn't stop the DH being a dick for other reasons, but declining to move to the countryside with a non driving spouse is sensible.