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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 09/03/2018 14:12

I live in the countryside but am lucky to have a fantastic reliable bus service. The kids were able to use this on their own from year 6 onwards. It's fantastic for teaching planning and independence.. BUT ...
the sun does not always shine. There are few things more miserable than standing at the bus stop in the howling wind and rain in November.
Don't turn down a chance to live in the country because you THINK you can't drive.
At least try !!

KateAdiesEarrings · 09/03/2018 14:14

tbh if you want to live in the countryside then you need to drive. If you are so afraid of driving that you won't try then I think you should drop your dream of living in the country.
I failed my test twice when I was younger. I found it a completely different experience when I went back to it, a few years later. I passed my test and I love driving now. You may be the same.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 09/03/2018 14:14

I've been in the position three times of being the only driver due to my dh's illness. Once when we lived in London with no kids and it was ok. The second two times has been where we live now - We live in a village. We have two kids who need ferrying to the station and to activities at the weekend plus driving him, going to the shops etc. It nearly drove me insane. I was knackered and fed up. On top of that the driver tends to shoulder the mental load of organising things. It would be very difficult for your dh. I've told mine if it happens again we are moving to a town/city.

bigKiteFlying · 09/03/2018 14:16

I passed my test second time but hate driving and DH doesn't want to try.

So we live in cities - did do a stint in outskirts of small town with good bus service but even that was an arse at times.

I think your options are try with an automatic car or see if outskirts of a well connected town or small city would be a compromise or stay where you are.

WhoWants2Know · 09/03/2018 14:16

I live in a rural village with very few buses. Lots of people don't drive. The school is in the village and they walk. Shopping is delivered. The only real issue is how you plan to get to work and back, but even then my best friend has managed perfectly happily for the past 10 years.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/03/2018 14:17

Expand your horizons OP...

Driving is a life skill...

Get diagnosed /treated... Continued avoidance worsens anxiety.

Get a sympathetic (woman?) instructor...

Ask for an assessment of your current driving...

You'll feel such a sense of achievement when you pass your test !!

I understand its not your dream to be rural... But you'll have your license for life...

So u can do your share of children taxis

Apply for the jobs that demand driving license (many jobs... Not just those that include driving).

You can come and go as you please not being reliant on others/public transport...
You can still use public transport (I do)... And then use car as needed

Iwanttobeanonymous · 09/03/2018 14:18

I'm also the sole driver in our family and that's in a town. I'm not driving at the moment on doctors orders and even in a town its been hard going as there are a lot of places I go that are not on public transport routes. It's awful having to keep begging for lifts.

ArchchancellorsHat · 09/03/2018 14:18

I am the same as you described in your first post, trouble with verbal instructions, telling left and right etc. I don't drive but did find a nice instructor which made a difference, but moved before I took the test. But I agree with the others, don't move somewhere rural if you can't drive. I did, and couldn't get around, it limited job opportunities, social life, access to health care. The buses are infrequent and expensive and often unreliable

LeighaJ · 09/03/2018 14:18

hairdressserintown

Agree with others that there's no harm in trying again. Even if you failed the test before doesn't mean you're incapable of passing it ever. You might be uncomfortable and nervous at first and perhaps mess up but that is all part of the learning process.

tellitlikeitispls · 09/03/2018 14:19

Putting all thoughts of driving aside, there's really a broad definition of 'countryside'.
You don't have to live in the back of beyond - there's a broad spectrum of places to live between 'rural' and 'city'.
Just find somewhere that has decent transport links and is walkable to the nearest shops and schools.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 09/03/2018 14:20

I would also refuse to move to the country with someone who couldn't drive. What if something happens and he can't drive. This can be anything from the flu to breaking a leg or a longer term condition (I've got two friends who can no longer drive due to medical conditions).

Aside from that, it would be just plain annoying to be the only driver in a family anywhere but a city with a decent transport network.

Of course you can refuse to learn but he can refuse to move!

BackforGood · 09/03/2018 14:22

Before your update, I thought the same as everyone else.
Despite your somewhat emotive title, presumably written to get everyone on your side by making out dh is 'forcing you' to do things Hmm, he is right, that for a family to live in the Countryside you do really need to be able to drive to get the dc anywhere. If you don't yourself, that is your choice, but you will be limiting your dc.

Of course, now you've said you aren't even the one wanting to move to the countryside, it puts a different light on it.

Hillingdon · 09/03/2018 14:22

I cannot understand why you think living in the country will mean that you wont need to drive. How are you going to get to work or do you expect your partner to drive you. When the kids are older they will need to be taken to clubs, parties etc. I had a relative who proudly claimed they have no need to drive convienently forgetting that every time there was a family event they put the 'sad face' on and someone in the family would go and pick them up.

Please don't be that person...

LadyRoughDiamond · 09/03/2018 14:22

I had to pass my test (at 40!) before we could move to the countryside. We compromised and lived in a smaller town first so that I wasn't learning in a big city - that made a huge difference. It took me three attempts and I really thought I wasn't cut out for driving. Stick with it OP, you really do need a car if you live rurally. Playgroups, play dates etc are all a lot more spread out and kids do miss out you don't have transport. Good luck.

OlennasWimple · 09/03/2018 14:23

Have you actually tried driving an automatic OP? They are so so much easier than having to deal with gear shifts

blueskyinmarch · 09/03/2018 14:23

I agree that there is a big variety within what could be described as living in the countryside.

Pretty country village, near a big town, with buses, a little shop and a school would work fine with no car.

House on its own down a muddy lane, surrounded by fields with no buses, shops or school nearby would not work well if you could not drive.

Which did you and your DH have in mind OP?

VivaKondo · 09/03/2018 14:23

paddling Seeing that it’s not the OP that wants to move but her DH, I doubt the move is out of the question or that he will ‘refuse’ to move.
I suspect instead he will carry on putting a lot of pressure in the OP to get what he wants, his move to the countryside wo having to be the only driver, which would be such an inconvenience for him to fulfil HIS own dream....
I aviné he would have to take the dcs to school everyday! Shock horror. Now that would be bad.....

OutyMcOutface · 09/03/2018 14:25

Well clearly you cab’t Live in the country then.

Luckyme2 · 09/03/2018 14:27

How is he putting pressure on you OP as described in your update whilst at the same time refusing to discuss moving until you agree to learn? Your original post did make it sound like you really want to discuss moving to the countryside as you've both always wanted it but now he won't discuss it anymore unless you can drive.

Sarahjconnor · 09/03/2018 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toolazytothinkofausername · 09/03/2018 14:31

Can't you compromise and live in a town that is close to the countryside? During the week you can look after the children without the need of a car, then at the weekend as a family you can drive into the countryside.

TheFairyCaravan · 09/03/2018 14:32

We live rurally. The buses go every 2 hours from 7:30 am. Last one back is at 5:20pm. It takes an hour to get to the nearest town, 6 miles away, on the bus because it goes all round the houses.

Once our children got to their teens it was a bloody nightmare. Someone was always doing the taxi run to their friends’ houses. Even now, when they’re home, we take them to town if they’re going out for a drink because a taxi is £40.

We’ve all got a driving license in our house. I can’t drive far due to my disability but at least I can go and get my hair cut.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/03/2018 14:36

I used to live in London suburbia. It was still a two mile walk to the nearest bus stop, although from there I could get a bus to central London.

I don’t think everyone needs to drive but I think you do under these circumstances. However, it does seem like you’re being pressured because of something your husband wants and not you.

Snowmageddon · 09/03/2018 14:37

Can't believe most posters ignoring the OP's description of what sounds like undiagnosed learning difficulties. OP, have you ever read about dyspraxia?
dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2018 14:38

Well, first off get whatever testing needs to be done to determine what, if any, special needs you may have. Regardless of driving, that alone may help you live a better life. And if there is a medical reason why you should not drive, your DH will know and stop bothering you about it.

I always preface driving threads by saying I was born and raised in So Calif, home of the 'car culture' and was driving LA freeways as well as unpaved country roads starting at 15 1/2 so I can't understand the fear of driving and/or resistance to it that seems to be so common in the UK. Not judging, just saying. It's your culture, not mine.

I now live in rural No Calif. You simply cannot live here without driving. It's not just school runs or shopping. Especially as your children get older there are playdates, overnights, sports, parties and other activities that public transport just isn't flexible enough to use. You have to be able to drop off and pick your kids up. Sure, there are carpools and 'I'll drop if you'll pickup' agreements but no one is going to volunteer to be their permanent chauffeur because their mum won't drive.

So look into specialist instructors for nervous drivers. Do NOT let your DH 'take you out and try to drive on this quiet road'. The only 'driving' I won't do is to tow our 31ft caravan with our huge Ford truck. I've told DH that if he wants me to tow we'll pay for a professional course. He tried to teach me himself, but let's just say that patience and reassurance wasn't his strong suit!