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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:
LimonViola · 10/03/2018 09:34

No Simon. But that's a separate issue from being expected to drive for a move rurally.

If OP had included that info in her initial post or made a fresh post in relationships about her marriage she'd be getting different responses.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 09:34

I know Simon, that is totally unacceptable, demanding her to learn to drive, and belittling her by spot testing her on her Maths, despite knowing she has difficulties. I would be thinking twice about moving somewhere so remote that you will have to rely on this arse. I would keep put if I were you, and start planning on leaving him. My dh would rather me not drive, due to my difficulties, but I would like to give it another shot.

Grobagsforever · 10/03/2018 09:35

No @SimonBridges I saw that too. He has tried to armchair diagnose @hairdressserintown with a learning disability and puts her down. Nasty.

PoorYorick · 10/03/2018 09:36

I failed my driving test more than three times.

I've been successful in a few things I've tried to do, and in each case, it took me more than three failures before I succeeded.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 09:36

I know Limon, it is also very expensive to learn, I simply cannot keep affording to have lessons and failing tests. There has to be a cut off somewhere. I have already failed 4 tests in the past. So If I fail 3 more, that will make 7.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 09:37

The guy I go with, charges £270 for 10 lessons, he is quite reasonable as its usually £29 per hour. It is very dear.

ImListening · 10/03/2018 09:38

Your problem is not that you don’t drive but that your Dhl is a controller. How old are your dc? Do not move to the country where he can potentially isolate you for his dream! Fwiw I would learn to drive but not tell him just so you have a life skill under your belt when you hopefully do decide to ltb!

PoorYorick · 10/03/2018 09:49

Driving lessons are expensive. But if you stop taking them before you've passed, it really has been a waste of money. Keep going until you pass, and it won't be.

I know a few people who did better on one of those intensive courses.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 09:53

Thing is pooryorick I haven't got bottomless pockets to keep having lessons. At the time I was off to Uni, I could not afford it, as I was funding Uni. Now I am a carer for my dd, I have no job and just DH income, so simply cannot afford to be taking test after test, lesson after lesson. I will draw a line somewhere. Give it a few goes in an auto car, hope I pass, if not just resigned myself I the fact, it's not a skill I have.

BlondeB83 · 10/03/2018 09:55

If you live in the countryside you need to be able to drive IMO, just have a go!

Lucked · 10/03/2018 09:56

Well your DH doesn’t sound very charming but if lessons are on offer give an automatic a try.

I think you are simplifying life in the country with a shop and a school. Your kids will still need swimming lessons and want to join various clubs. There will also be play dates with friends whose homes may be very isolated. Have a good think about how you want to live. Might be an idea to sit down with your DH and rightmove and have s look at some houses and locations.

RedHelenB · 10/03/2018 10:12

I took forever to pass my test and don't particularly enjoyed driving (can't wait for driverless cars) but after knowing Maureen passed on driving school realised it was just a matter of time. My exdh said we both needed to drive when we were discussing a third baby and I'm glad I can drive now, life is so much easier.

Vangoghsear · 10/03/2018 10:15

Your DH is right. Living in the country is totally impractical if you can't drive. Public transport is limited and narrow country roads are often dangerous to cycle on. If you can't overcome your aversion to driving you would be wise to give up on the idea of moving to the countryside.

LoniceraJaponica · 10/03/2018 10:22

I am confused by your terminology. Are you saying that you have tried learning to drive before, or have you been refused a provisional licence?
“This is also a man who keeps telling me to get tests done as I clearly have some kind of learning disability as I struggle so much every day with simple tasks.”

It might help to do this because it would help explain why some tasks are difficult for you. It shouldn’t make you feel useless, but would provide a proper reason.

Another point to consider is that bus routes often change. As part of a cost cutting exercise our local council has withdrawn several local bus services. This has resulted in some pupils being withdrawn from DD’s school because they can’t get there.

Perhaps you should move to AnachronisticCorpse’s quaint little village. This kind of regular bus service is not the norm in rural areas.

“This will affect your teen children too if they can't socialise etc”

I agree with this ^^. Most of DD’s friends have to rely on lifts because there is no bus service between the villages.

Just read your updates. You husband sounds like a patronsising arse.

SusanneLinder · 10/03/2018 10:23

If you cycle,you already have some of the skills you need for driving eg changing gears etc, rules of road.
Your DH giving you random maths stuff is bizarre. Whats his reaction if you get it wrong, does he put you down? Presumably he must have known you had problems with stuff before you married, has he always been like this?
Getting tested for difficulties is not a bad thing, its a signpost to being able to manage conditions, but if he would put you down then time to get shot!

GoldenKelpie · 10/03/2018 10:25

Just read your recent update, OP. Sad

My DD was diagnosed with dyslexia but due to the support, empowerment and love from everyone around her, she has achieved many things including driving, uni and becoming a teacher. She developed many strategies to cope and has overcome difficulties to get to where she is today.

No wonder you feel so negative about yourself if you live with someone who 'tests' you like you describe Angry. Anyone would have their self confidence eroded by that sort of nastiness on a daily basis.

You've read posts from people who have also overcome difficulties to eventually pass their test, and lots if really good advice to help you pass yourself.

My concern is about your relationship with your DH. Does he understand that his demeaning behaviour erodes your confidence and is belittling?

If you don't yet have children, I would consider carefully some relationship counselling before taking that step. You deserve to have a life partner who loves and empowers you. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 10:26

Ha ha, I tell myself that if Maureen from the Driving school can do it, so can I and I think I am much better than her😂😂😂😂😂

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/03/2018 10:35

Personally if you are happy where you are don't move to the countryside.
Even as a driver and working ft I found it incredibly isolating.
The happiest day of my life was the day we moved back to London.
I was throwing boxes of stuff in the back of the removal van I couldn't wait to be shot of the place even though we were homeless for several months.

It is also very expensive. I think because everything is so far away your fuel bills go through the roof. Even the council tax on a much smaller property was several hundred more per year. Not to mention dp started going in the local pub just for a quick one after work which gradually spanned to two or three.

We now live in a rural hamlet 25minutes drive from Oxford Street. No shops, no pubs and no schools

Shehz21 · 10/03/2018 10:49

Opening post:DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.
Update:It was never really my idea or passion to move out in the countryside

How is he putting pressure on you OP as described in your update whilst at the same time refusing to discuss moving until you agree to learn? Your original post did make it sound like you really want to discuss moving to the countryside as you've both always wanted it but now he won't discuss it anymore unless you can drive.

anneoneill

OP:DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

Later on:It was never really my idea or passion to move out in the countryside

Stop changing the story to tilt opinions in your favour, OP.

Is it only me and couple of other posters who noticed how thr OP has actuallu tried to change the story to tilt opinions in her favour?Confused

OP if you really don't want to move to the countryside and as per your initial post,your husband refuses to talk about moving until you give it a try, then I guess problem solved.

About another bit of your updates, re the relationship between you and your husband,maybe a fresh post in Relationships might help.
He does sound like an arse throwing random maths questions at you knowing fully you are probably dyspraxic.

sleepymouse · 10/03/2018 11:13

I agree with your DH. I have previously been the only driver and it's really not fun, especially when we moved to an area without public transport. I found myself getting very frustrated that it was always on my shoulders to be dropping off and picking up. My DH was very nervous to learn to drive, but now he is a very competent driver, even completed an assertive driving course.
You should give it another go, get a professional instructor. If you end up in the country it's not fair on your DH that you don't drive

funnylittlefloozie · 10/03/2018 11:17

oliversmumsarmy
"We now live in a rural hamlet 25minutes drive from Oxford Street. No shops, no pubs and no schools"

Not possible. Unless you have a hovercar or something. Or if you mean Oxford Street in Blairgowrie, rather than Oxford Street in London.

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/03/2018 11:19

We live in the country and it wouldn’t be possible if I couldn’t drive, so I agree with your partner. You can always try an automatic if a manual doesn’t work out, but just remember it really isn’t as difficult as it looks at first

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/03/2018 11:20

We have a place in London too so I can understand why you may not understand how completely different it is, but it is. And even though busses are due very occasionally, they get cancelled more often than not

Toddlerteaplease · 10/03/2018 11:22

My mum refuses to drive and it's been the one bone of contention in my parents otherwise long and very happy marriage. Especially as most of the driving my dad does is for her. I know that deep down he does resent it.
She did try and learn but had a bad experience and it's completely put her off.

GladAllOver · 10/03/2018 11:40

She did try and learn but had a bad experience and it's completely put her off.
Exactly. Criticising someone for not being able to drive is like complaining that they won't run a marathon. Some can, some can't.