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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/03/2018 17:30

WTF about him 'testing' your maths. The correct answer to any maths question is "Fuck the fuck off and don't speak to me again until you can treat me with respect and not belittle me for your own amusement."

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 09/03/2018 17:42

ohnomoresnow either you're completely OK with the idea of another woman being humiliated by her husband because she isn't very good at mental arithmetic or you didn't RTFT. I do hope it's the latter.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/03/2018 17:50

Just seen your updates

Land in the country to build on. Sorry but PMSL at that one. It is called the countryside and Greenbelt for a reason.

As for testing your Maths skills. Was he your teacher at some point. It sounds very like a comedy sketch I have seen (Can't remember who did it. Teacher marries one of his pupils and continues to act like her teacher )

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 09/03/2018 17:52

Olivers Edward and Samantha from Little Britain?

VivaKondo · 09/03/2018 17:52

I wish people were actually reading what the OP is posting rather than what they want to read. It was clear right form the start that the OP had some massive issues with driving from an (undiagnosed) SN. It was also clear from her second post that it was her DH that was driving it all. But people didn’t seem to want to read that Hmm.
Nor did they want to notice the several references about the OP being made uncomfortable by her H because of her disability before she clarified it later on.

And then You have people like ohnomoresnow who then think it’s ok to say that the OP is coming up with ‘my H is making me feel bad’ just because the answers weren’t going the right way....
Right. Maybe read the thread before commenting?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/03/2018 17:56

It only took the first post to realise her DH is an arse. Seriously, there are people who cannot and should not drive, and the OP at least realises she's one of them. I see a lot that don't, and they frighten me rigid.

GladAllOver · 09/03/2018 17:59

I haven't RTFT, but just from reading the OP's first two posts I think her DH is quite wrong to push her towards driving if she is concerned about it.
I enjoy driving, but some people just don't and some just get too stressed to do it well or to pass the test. No-one should be pushed to drive it against their wishes and feelings - it's just too dangerous.

Dustysparrow · 09/03/2018 18:49

I had a terror of driving, though not the sensory issues you describe. All you can do is give it a try and if it doesn't work out at least you can say you gave it a go - a driving instructor will be able to give you an honest opinion as to whether you will be able to achieve this goal. You won't pass a driving test anyway unless you reach a competent level so you won't ever find yourself in the position of having to drive about on your own if you aren't ready. I found it better having a female instructor - I just felt less judged (rightly or wrongly), so I was more at ease.

TammyWhyNot · 09/03/2018 18:53

OP: I am sorry you are getting as much pressure from many MNers as you are from your DH.

This is really not kind of “I hate the idea of being potentially diagnosed with anything and my DH looking down on me. He sometimes likes to test my math skills - if we are having a conversation, he'd randomly ask me what 24+9 is, even though he knows I have no clue - and I find it so humiliating”

You know what? There is NO shame in having dyspraxia, dyslexia, issues with numbers, spatial awareness, co-ordination etc. There is NO shame in not being able to drive. It is TOTALLY SHAMEFUL to deliberately humiliate people in that way.

Never mind the driving, the last thing you want to do is cut yourself off away from your friends, trapped in the countryside with someone who is unkind.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/03/2018 18:55

I agree with your husband.

jedenfalls · 09/03/2018 19:12

You poor thing op

Driving and a move to the country is the least of your worries.

I’d repose the bits about your ‚‘d‘ h in relationships and see if you can get some help unpicking what is going on.

Inability to to mental arithmetic is not related to intelligence.. i have a postgraduate qualification in a maths related subject, and do a related job, but couldn’t do throwaway sums like your DH asks. (I do have a processing disorder) I’d blow your DH tiny mind, I can drive, but can’t dial a telephone number and certainly don’t know left from right.

jacks11 · 09/03/2018 19:30

I don't think your husband is forcing you to do anything. He is saying he doesn't want to be the only driver if you live rurally as he will end up with all the running around. I can't blame him really, not driving and living rurally can be challenging.

Exactly how challenging depends on the area and exactly how rurally you're thinking of going. Where I live it would be totally and utterly impractical not to drive: it is 6 miles to the nearest village and this is the nearest formal bus stop. You can walk down to the road and flag down the bus- standing on the road, as no pavement. There are two buses a day to and from the nearest town. If you want a taxi, you have to anticipate and book in advance. So really, not driving would make living here very difficult and quite lonely.

Some rural areas maybe have more regular public transport, but it would be annoying from your husband's POV to always have to be the driver, doing all the school runs.

ToffeeUp · 09/03/2018 19:32

It is very strange that he is making you learning to drive a condition before moving when it is him wanting the move.

Hope he is not going to hold you responsible for him not being able to live his dream of building a house in the countryside.

TammyWhyNot · 09/03/2018 19:39

The thread will be bogged down now by posters who haven’t RTFT.
READ THE OP’s LATER POSTS!

LilaoftheGreenwood · 09/03/2018 19:58

OP, you might be better off starting a new thread about your "D"H, he sounds awful. You're not going to get a fair hearing here because all the drivers are off on one.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 08:33

Only on Mumsnet, is a person's worth judged on whether they can drive a car! Quite frankly, I find some of the posts on here quite nasty and spiteful, this would not be happening if op was petrified of riding a bike, or spiders. Those who find driving easy, cannot possibly understand how it is like for those who find it hard and are anxious about it. After all driving is a skill that not everybody has, or finds easy. Op has already said she has cognitive difficulties that make it hard for her, and if people are putting pressure on her, it is going to make it worse.

I recommend asking round for recommendations for kind and patient automatic driving instructors in your area, having some lessons at yours pace and seeing how it goes. Driving is not the be all and end all, people who don't drive like myself, still get about without being CF (taxi, bus,bike, walking, train). We just adjust our lifestyle to fit, I live in a semi rural area, close to buses, amenities, I would never dream of living in the sticks, as it would not suit me. I have found a fantastic automatic driving instructor, and have my first lessons in 20 years, next week, hope i will be able to pass my test this time and not fail for the umpteenth time.

PoorYorick · 10/03/2018 08:46

I haven't seen anyone judging OP's worth for not driving. I've just seen a lot of people saying that it's a very important life skill (most families couldn't function if nobody did it), and critical if you live in a remote area.

If OP has conditions that make it impossible for her to drive, a move to a remote rural area would be extremely unwise.

As for the husband, in the updates he sounds awful and perhaps the best thing to do with a car would be to sling him in the boot.

Marmite27 · 10/03/2018 08:50

I struggle with left and right, telling time and lists of instructions.

I’ve been driving for 16 years and I’m a very competent driver.

I’m with your DH, I was the only driver in the house for 8 years, and it gets really wearing. Also public transport isn’t upto much rurally.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 09:12

pooryorick some of the posts do, somehow she is a burden or less of a person, if she does not drive.

Good for yiu Marmite, just because you managed to drive despite yiur difficulties, does not mean everyone who can. It's like telling a person with ASD that they should be able to cope in certain situations, because another person with ASD can, I am using ASD, as dd has ASD and learning difficulties, so that's an example that comes to mind.

PoorYorick · 10/03/2018 09:15

I've seen nothing suggesting she is less of a person.

I've seen a few suggesting that it would indeed be a burden on the husband if he had to do all the driving forever. I do agree with that, though the husband also sounds like a twat. That's a separate issue.

Not many people enjoy everyday driving...the commute, the school run, doing the shopping etc. If it is possible to learn to drive (and you do usually have to try first to be sure), then no, I really don't think it is fair to refuse to do so and put the sole responsibility on the other person.

Husband being a turd is another matter.

Inkspellme · 10/03/2018 09:19

I moved from urban outside a major city to rural - and your husband is being very realistic and totally reasonable. Life in the countryside when you don’t drive is challenging. It simply isn’t fair to have one person being able to do school runs and the other not. What happens if he’s sick or away? On a day to day basis if you can’t drive you can end up isolated in your own home.

If you honestly feel like driving is not for you that’s fine. It’s not for everyone. However - don’t move to the countryside and not drive. It’s just not practical.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2018 09:22

I am diagnosed dyspraxic, this affects my cognitive abilities essential to driving. Coordination, spatial awareness, division of attention. I have taken 4 manual tests and filed them 20 years ago. I had some very bad driving instructors that also affected my confidence and made me more anxious about driving.

I have recently plucked up the courage to learn to drive gain, I have found a lovely Automatic car instructor through recommendation. I will takes a test again, but quite frankly if I fail for the third time this time, I am resigning myself to the fact that I am not meant to drive.

Grobagsforever · 10/03/2018 09:26

Your DH tells you that you have a learning disability and you therefore feel useless?

You don't have a driving problem, you have a DH problem. Does he put you down like this often?

But yes, do try an automatic and a very good sat nav. I also get lost very very easily, can't do left and right and am generally a bit useless at practical stuff. But I learned at 34 in an automatic.

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 09:26

i will takes a test again, but quite frankly if I fail for the third time this time, I am resigning myself to the fact that I am not meant to drive.

Honestly a lot of failing tests is just pure bad luck on the day. One small mistake doing something you won't ever have to do again. I failed my second for a poor reverse around a corner, which had to be done very specifically (keeping a certain distance from the kerb), and I've never needed to do that again in a decade! I've reversed round a corner but in real life you don't need to hug the kerb just so, you just make sure it's clear and whip round.

Please don't give up after a third fail, I could so easily have failed my third but it's just pure luck I passed. If I'd stopped then my life would have been so restricted in the decade since. I turned out a great driver who has never crashed and drove for a living for several years, am very quick with reactions and a whiz at squeezing into small parking spaces and happily nip off on a six hour drive. It's hard not to get discouraged but please rethink x

SimonBridges · 10/03/2018 09:30

Is everyone missing the bit where the DH is a controlling arse? Am I reading something different?