To have underestimated how fucking awful miscarriage would be?

[loveulotslikejellytots]

Trust me, I never thought it would be a walk in the park and it's not even the physical side I'm struggling with. It's the emotional side.

I got told last Monday that baby was only measuring 6 weeks, I should have been 11. No heartbeat. The epu want to leave it a week and re-scan just in case it was just too early but the spotting is now bleeding although not too heavy (yet).

I went to work Tuesday and Wednesday because I felt ok, I don't work Thursday/Friday.

Mil who I usually get on great with keeps texting me. DH has now told her to leave off for a bit, she thinks she's helping because she loves to talk. I don't. I told her that and now DH has told her that. But so far since Monday I've had every cliche saying sent to me, disguised as help. 'There was probably something wrong', 'At least you have dd', 'It's nature's way', 'At least it was early'. I ignore each one but it usually sets me off into a proper snotty crying session.

DH bumped into our friends yesterday, we are seeing them tomorrow at their new house for their housewarming. She is also 12 weeks pregnant and is announcing to everyone tomorrow. DH told me last night so I wasn't in front of everyone. For some reason that finished me off, I fell asleep sobbing on DH. Why is everything getting to me so much? I'm so happy for my friends, I'm not jealous in the slightest, they had a properly shit time with their 1st baby being born seriously ill (she's fine now) they really deserve it!

AIBU to have underestimated the emotional side of all this? Or am I overreacting? I'm not an 'emotional' person so this is hitting me like a bus. I just feel like curling up in bed for about 2 weeks, but with a 2 year old to entertain that's not possible.

Of course you are not overreacting. You are grieving and going through something awful.
My experience with miscarriage was a little different to yours as I ended up in an ambulance and having a d&c as I was losing so much blood so every him happened super fast for me and I didn't have to really process what was happening until it was over.
I couldn't imagine waiting and wondering like you are going through.
Be kind to yourself and cry as much as you need

I think when people say stuff like “it’s natures way” etc they are trying to help and be nice, I think people just struggle to know what to say. I had a stillborn baby a few years ago and many people said you can try again, it wasn’t meant to be etc and although it’s no the best thing to say people weren’t being nasty they were trying to be kind.

It’s normal to feel sad/jealous when others are pregnant after you’ve just had a loss. After my stillbirth everytime I went out I swear nearly every woman I saw everywhere was pregnant

You have to give yourself time to deal with the emotional side of this and It’s important after something like this to keep talking to your dh and deal with it together and while I don’t think you ever forget a loss you do in time deal with it better 💐

I dont know what to say lovvie, I cant stand the platitudinous texts everyone comes out with in times of need either. Be creative for Gods sakes! I have to hold back as I know people mean well, they just have no imagination.

mil, means well, shes probablygrieving too.

If you dont want to go to that house warming, dont't go, if its going to be too much for you

Above all, dont be hard on yourself. You'll never get over this but you will learn to manage the pain of it.

I'm very bored with flowers - havea glitterball instead

Sorry for your loss

Early miscarriages are very common. Most miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy and up to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Time is a great healer - some women will just be sad but carry on with life, for others it is a great loss.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. It's utterly fucking shit and YANBU to be devastated and feeling any way you need to

If it helps at all to know you're not alone, I could have written your post myself last year. I had no idea how hard it was going to be, and I found myself sobbing repeatedly at the sheer unfairness and awfulness of it all. Seeing pregnant women wandering happily around living their normal lives made me feel like I'd been punched for a surprisingly long time. It has got a bit easier with time, though around the date I would have been due to give birth was also pretty fucking awful.

I don't have any helpful advice (except to maybe get your husband to screen your messages from your MIL for a bit until she stops with the unhelpful cliches), but I wanted to let you know that you're not being unreasonable at all - it is an awful thing to have to go through. It won't stay this painful for ever, but don't beat yourself up for feeling shit right now.

Can you avoid going to the housewarming tomorrow? I found pregnancy announcements especially painful, and I don't think I'd have been able to hold it together in front of people. Let alone pretend to be happy and enjoy the party...

It is awful. Bleak, cruel and awful and it completely pulled the rug from under happy-go-lucky me when it happened (second time less so). I was signed off work for two weeks and took the whole time. Allow yourself plenty of time to get through this, physically and mentally.

I know Mil is just trying to help. I'd only told one friend, she's suffered 2 ectopics, she just text me 'I'm so sorry, it's properly shit!' I actually found that sort of funny, at least she was honest. People don't know what to say, I agree.

No, I'm giving it a miss tomorrow. DH is popping in for an hour.

I agree the waiting is crap, and I was really surprised how common it seems to be. Can I ask, how much time off did you have? It depends what happens Tuesday if I need any treatment (and I think I'd prefer to avoid surgical option). My work are great I haven't felt like I needed time off yet, but my boss was surprised I wasn't signed off.

Op I had a miscarriage, it was very early 7 weeks and I was devastated. It was basically as though my period started and I was Abroad so didn’t seek any medical help (didn’t feel like I needed to). As far as miscarriages go it was no trouble as such the emotional ramifications were awful though. Be kind to yourself it takes a while to get over and yours sounds awful because you were that much further on.

People don't know what to say, and they want to say something positive, its human nature.

But honestly, a little thought and you'd see that just saying "sorry, thinking of you" is all you should say, unless it's someone who's actually confiding in you. It's different but when my DM died unexpectedly, the number of people who said, "you're joking??" (really? You think I'd joke about my mum dying?!) or "god that's awful. Your news made me ring my mum straightaway to check she was ok!" was shocking.

Yes people mean well, but they should also think before opening their mouths (or phones).

Glad you're not going to the housewarming, stay warm and take care of yourself.

I am so very sorry. I've been through it and it really is awful, physically and emotionally. The miscarriage board on here was wonderful though, with loads of practical tips for dealing with the physical side of it and incredible emotional support too.

I'm so sorry, it's super shit and I have no useful help advice/words of wisdom at all. It's just shit shit shit, sending virtual hugs X

OP I’m really sorry. I think people who haven’t been there don’t know what to say.

I’ve been through it four times and it’s fucking dreadful. I’m a total mess at the moment with severe anxiety and just general awful-feeling-ness. You’re not overreacting. It IS shit.

OP: I feel like I could have written this word for word. No one can tell you how you’ll react or feel but just know that you’re not alone and just feel whatever you feel for however long. If you can get any sort of counselling , id recommend that. It’s helped me deal and talk through it with someone independent.

There’s a good miscarriage thread on here that I can recommend too.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s just plain shit.

Well, block the MIL's texts for starters.

So sorry, OP.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this

I had 2 weeks off when I had a miscarriage. My supervisor told me she was surprised I needed that long off as she'd only needed a week but I think however long you need is how long you should take off. It's difficult to know how it will affect you both physically and emotionally.

Oh sweetheart be gentle to yourself it's a horrible emotional and physical thing you're going through. Lean on everyone you can, seek guidance from the miscarriage association and seek bereavement counselling if you need to.

Lean on your husband he's going through this too

I remember years ago a coworker had told me she’d been in an abusive relationship and he’d got her pregnant against her better judgement when she was 19 and then left her when she was in hospital having a miscarriage at 6 weeks, and I said something along the lines of well at least you don’t have a child with him so you don’t have to see him again.

I cringe when I think about saying that now, I can’t believe how insensitive I was. I’m lucky she didn’t put me in my place there and then. At the time I thought it was ok because I was trying to look on the bright side and she was ‘only’ 6 weeks pregnant, how wrong I was! having been pregnant now, I know how the minute you know you’re pregnant you can’t stop thinking and worrying about your child.

I guess what I’m trying to say is people often say the wrong thing but the intention isn’t to upset you, it’s usually just awkwardness.

Very sorry OP.

I had a very similar experience, should have been 10 weeks, was measuring 6 and all happened naturally over the next week.

It hit me like an absolute ton of bricks. My boss was brilliant and told me to take all the time I needed. I was off for a fortnight and spent most of it crying and watching comforting TV.

Best words I heard were from a friend who said "It's utterly cruel. Be kind to yourself."

Early miscarriages are very common. Most miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy and up to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Now why on earth would that be remotely helpful to OP or anyone else? Have you had a miscarriage LifeBeginsAtGin or are you just piling in to tell OP the trauma and loss she's going through right now aren't that big of a deal because it happens to lots of people?

FFS, it might be true but it's not fucking helpful is it. I think what you mean is "Sorry for your loss and what you're going through, take all the time you need, ignore the stupid people and their insensitive comments"

What do you expert her or any woman in the same position to reply to your cold statistics and bullshit "time heals" platitudes?

"Oh yes, you're absolutely right, I should have anticipated my baby dying and not having a fucking clue while I went about life happy and excited about being pregnant, but you've made me realise how silly I'm being feeling like my heart's been ripped out and my body's betrayed me, I'll pull my socks up and remember my suffering means nothing as it was always statistically possible".

In terms of time off I took a week self cert, hospital then signed me off for 2 weeks post ERPC then gp signed me off for a week following my last one. My first I was signed off for a month as it took a long time to recover the other 3 I took 2 weeks off for the physical effects and did light duties at work.

There is no right or wrong amount of time take what you need.

No it's truly fucking awful, like heartbreaking, mournful, lonely, hell.

Plus physical agony (for me) to the point of vomiting and passing out (I lost at 12 weeks, so probably worse than if it were earlier)

The worst part is even if you tell people they are over it in a day or two and you're left with this awful grief that hangs on and people just think you're being dramatic.....

Huge, huge love and support to you, it's just one of the worst things ever.

It is awful - sonsorty you’re going through this, it is just shit.
I found the emotional side hit after the physical side ended. Big hormonal swings, very unpleasant. The physical side I found bearable but unpleasant as well. I had two days off - to be honest I should probably have had a bit longer but I work for a company who are heartless bastards and retaliate against any time off.

Everyone experiences it differently - don’t compare yourself too much. You feel what you feel and those feelings are yours and valid. MIL seems well intentioned but tactless.

Be kind to yourself, take the time you need to be OK. It’s a horrible thing to go through.