To have underestimated how fucking awful miscarriage would be?

[loveulotslikejellytots]

Trust me, I never thought it would be a walk in the park and it's not even the physical side I'm struggling with. It's the emotional side.

I got told last Monday that baby was only measuring 6 weeks, I should have been 11. No heartbeat. The epu want to leave it a week and re-scan just in case it was just too early but the spotting is now bleeding although not too heavy (yet).

I went to work Tuesday and Wednesday because I felt ok, I don't work Thursday/Friday.

Mil who I usually get on great with keeps texting me. DH has now told her to leave off for a bit, she thinks she's helping because she loves to talk. I don't. I told her that and now DH has told her that. But so far since Monday I've had every cliche saying sent to me, disguised as help. 'There was probably something wrong', 'At least you have dd', 'It's nature's way', 'At least it was early'. I ignore each one but it usually sets me off into a proper snotty crying session.

DH bumped into our friends yesterday, we are seeing them tomorrow at their new house for their housewarming. She is also 12 weeks pregnant and is announcing to everyone tomorrow. DH told me last night so I wasn't in front of everyone. For some reason that finished me off, I fell asleep sobbing on DH. Why is everything getting to me so much? I'm so happy for my friends, I'm not jealous in the slightest, they had a properly shit time with their 1st baby being born seriously ill (she's fine now) they really deserve it!

AIBU to have underestimated the emotional side of all this? Or am I overreacting? I'm not an 'emotional' person so this is hitting me like a bus. I just feel like curling up in bed for about 2 weeks, but with a 2 year old to entertain that's not possible.

Early miscarriages are very common. Most miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy and up to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Factually true (although the figure is higher) but not what one says to someone going through this. Really the only OK thing is a variant on ‘I am so sorry/thinking of you/here if you need someone to talk to etc.’

Rationalisation may help later on (I’m a very rational stoic) but when you’re going through it, you just need the textual equivalent of a quiet hug. Logic doesn’t work well in emotional situations.

Your friend is right, it is shit and the hormones don’t help. I was on a work trip to the US when my first one started and couldn’t do anything about it except keeping going to the loo. I remember sitting in the airport loo on the way back bawling my eyes out. I only had a couple of days off each time as I didn’t feel I could tell them what had happened.

I don’t think you ever forget the ones that don’t make

I'm so sorry OP. I've had 2 miscarriages. One discovered at 12 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks and the other discovered at 13 weeks but baby died at 9 weeks.

It's awful, really awful. The worst experiences of my life without a doubt. Yes it's common but it doesn't make it not an awful, horrible experience.

So sorry for your loss op,

Your poor love. I'm so sorry to read this OP.
One day at a time right now. Look after yourself the best you can. I think turning your phone off or even blocking MILs number for a while would be best. She probably thinks she's helping but she's really not.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It happened to me twice at 11 weeks and 9 weeks when the baby was found to be too small and without a heartbeat. Nothing can prepare you for the emotional devastation, sadly, and no matter what people say to you to try to make you feel better it is never right. Everything, except a simple "sorry to hear of your loss" will be wrong. Many years later I'm in a happy place and find it hard to believe how I felt then. It is not helped by the fact that the physical sorting out is usually straightforward - in my cases a couple of days in a pleasant hospital and then home. I did find the miscarriage association helpful, they probably still have a telephone listening service.

I had 2 miscarriages 25 yrs ago....I was devastated and I still think back to the what ifs....there was very little support around at the time ....it was a very dark time for me
What made it worse for me was that a colleague's wife had just had a baby and brought her into work and I felt like salt was being poured into an open wound...I had to go and hide in the toilet and bawl my eyes out until she'd left
I now have 3 dcs but I still remember those dark days
Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need ( I took 2 weeks off after each miscarriage to get over the physical effects, although the psychological pain took longer) there are some very good support groups around now thankfully

So sorry op, it really is a horrible experience.

I had a mc a few years ago. The waiting part is just torture. The physical part is not pleasant. The emotional part hit me all in one go. I had been very practical and stoical all the way through and got on with things.
I was lying in bed the next day watching a movie when all of the emotions erupted. I have never cried such a raw animalistic pain in my life. It is just not something that can be kept in.

Take care of your self. Let the sorrow out and be kind to yourself

Calm down anne

I’m very sorry. Please allow yourself to feel what you need to, and don’t force yourself into thinking you ‘should’ be feeling/doing certain things.
This is an incredibly difficult thing, please don’t be hard on yourself.
Thinking of you and your family x

You poor thing. I’m so sorry. I had a miscarriage at only 6 weeks. I felt I had to put on a brave face while all the older women in the family told me that in their day you wouldn’t even have known you were pregnant that early. I felt like I wasn’t entitled to feel the grief I was experiencing, so I kept it to myself. In truth, it was one of the bleakest experiences of my life. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks for all your messages, and sorry that so many of you have been in the same position .

I never really thought about the hormones.

DH is being brilliant, I couldn't cope without him. I suppose it will just take time, I hadn't realised just how long maybe.

YANBU I think a lot of people underestimate how devastating miscarriage can be. When I had one I was very early on, but it completely broke me for a while. It was a long time ago now and I do feel 'over it' now in a sense but I'll never forget what happened and what I lost, the physical and mental pain I went through etc. I am very fortunate now in that we have had 2 healthy children since. I know some people aren't so lucky.

I had the whole "god must have known it wasn't the right time" spiel from my mil. It wasn't helpful in the slightest but I knew she was just trying to be kind so I kind of switched off when ever she said it. It was either that or tell her to fuck off My mum didn't really know what to say and just hugged me (which was a bit strange as we're not really huggy types) I found that more comforting though.

It's very raw and real to you right now, your reactions are completely normal and natural and they don't in any way make you a bad person. You are dealing with a traumatic event in your life. Please be kind to yourself

Just to warn you I ended up taking time off for the first period post miscarriage as well because of a combination of the hormonal reaction and the heavy bleeding. It can take up to 8 weeks to have a normal period. Miscarriages are so cruel

I never really thought about the hormones

I found that really hard. It was similar but different to postnatal hormonal crash. It was much stronger than I’d expected (actually I hadn’t expected it at all) and it knocked me for six.

It’s an awful experience, and one I think many women find worse because society doesn’t acknowledge or talk about it. Be gentle to yourself, take the time you need to.

It's fucking awful.

My first pregnancy ended in an mmc. At 9 wks after a small bleed I showed a 5wk pregnancy no Hb. They waited two weeks to rescan that pretty much have me no option but natural. I held on a week with nothing happening and rang them in tears for help. They gave me medical management to do at home. This went wrong and what followed was awful and resulted in me having PTSD and counselling.

I remember at the time my DM saying to me you will breeze giving birth after that. I didn't breeze it but can confidently say what happened to me physically and psychologically after the mmc was much much worse then giving birth. And my son was stillborn. How is that right?

I'm really very sorry you are going through this. If you are struggling with the wait please get back in touch with your hospital. They may not be able to do anything but they may be able to speed things up for you.

Seeing other people pregnant is heartbreaking but I tried to go at it with the angle that I wouldn't want them to go through what I have.

You will get lots of support on here and the miscarriage association is a good resource too.

So sorry.

Jellytots, so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself xx

So sorry for your loss Op. I have very recently been through similar and it is truly awful. You are not overreacting.
I agree people mean well but can say some really quite unhelpful things - I too have had a lecture about how common miscarriage is (thanks for that gin), the ‘nature’s way’ and ‘it happens for a reason’ crap, even from close friends. All we need is people to acknowledge it’s a horrible thing to go through and to have permission to rest and grieve.
Op I am so sorry. X

Also I think I ended up with about 6 wks off with mine although I had 2 nights in hospital and another admission but discharged the same day. I was an emotional wreck. Between rescans I convinced myself they had gotten it wrong as well.

It is awful OP and you must take as much time as you need. I was always a 'coper' and it hit me like a brick - MMC at 13 weeks. I ended up off work for 8 weeks because I was just so broken. People don't know what to say. My own sister said 'At least you'll get some time off work'. Time has healed to some extent - 4 years now. Echo other posters who suggest the Miscarriage Association.

Your "friend" is hardly a friend she sounds insensitive and should of waited until it wasn't so raw to tell you

It's such a horrible situation. I've had 2 now (one found to be 6 weeks but found out at 12 so kind of like yourself), it takes so much out of you so please take all the time you need and be kind to yourself. As others have said, the hormones returning to normal is a bit brutal, and I found that dealing with this on top of everything else was a struggle. I truly hope that you'll be in a better place soon, but as mentioned, take the time that you need to. There are no winners for rushing things before you're ready to.

Early miscarriages are very common. Most miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy and up to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage

I know this is factual but I'm sure the majority of us who have gone through this read/heard stuff like this and it really didn't help or make things better. Please just be considerate to the OP and the situation in general.

Im so sorry for your loss. Yes. It's a rollercoaster. And just awful. Hoping you more peaceful times ahead and you're really not alone. Youy find this comforting

piddlesticks.wordpress.com/2009/06/22/miscarriage-taboos/

No you are reacting quite normally it’s a horrible thing to happen, mine was years ago and I can still remember the turmoil. Rest, make sure you eat and drink to help your body to recover,
There is this association that you can contact if you want to:-
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk