To have underestimated how fucking awful miscarriage would be?

[loveulotslikejellytots]

Trust me, I never thought it would be a walk in the park and it's not even the physical side I'm struggling with. It's the emotional side.

I got told last Monday that baby was only measuring 6 weeks, I should have been 11. No heartbeat. The epu want to leave it a week and re-scan just in case it was just too early but the spotting is now bleeding although not too heavy (yet).

I went to work Tuesday and Wednesday because I felt ok, I don't work Thursday/Friday.

Mil who I usually get on great with keeps texting me. DH has now told her to leave off for a bit, she thinks she's helping because she loves to talk. I don't. I told her that and now DH has told her that. But so far since Monday I've had every cliche saying sent to me, disguised as help. 'There was probably something wrong', 'At least you have dd', 'It's nature's way', 'At least it was early'. I ignore each one but it usually sets me off into a proper snotty crying session.

DH bumped into our friends yesterday, we are seeing them tomorrow at their new house for their housewarming. She is also 12 weeks pregnant and is announcing to everyone tomorrow. DH told me last night so I wasn't in front of everyone. For some reason that finished me off, I fell asleep sobbing on DH. Why is everything getting to me so much? I'm so happy for my friends, I'm not jealous in the slightest, they had a properly shit time with their 1st baby being born seriously ill (she's fine now) they really deserve it!

AIBU to have underestimated the emotional side of all this? Or am I overreacting? I'm not an 'emotional' person so this is hitting me like a bus. I just feel like curling up in bed for about 2 weeks, but with a 2 year old to entertain that's not possible.

I'm so sorry.

I had similar situation. It was 13 weeks before I had a D and C as I wasn't passing everything.

Absolutely broke my heart. I got signed off work and spent a lot of time crying and sleeping.

Give yourself time to grieve. No need to be socialising if you don't feel up to it. No one should expect you to carry on as normal.

I cried for months after my miscarriage at 6 weeks

Took me many months to be ok with hearing pregnancy news.
Sorry for your loss, it does truly suck.

So sorry for your loss OP. I'm currently living this nightmare with you.
Today would have been my 12 week scan and I would be telling people. 2 of my 3 friends are a few weeks further on and it's so hard.
This Monday I had a scan at EPU after a tiny amount of brown spotting where they confirmed baby had stopped growing at 9+5 this is torture after seeing a heartbeat at exactly 9 weeks and spending two whole weeks blissfully unaware.
I had an MVA on Wednesday and had no idea the secret world of what actually happens with missed miscarriages, especially that require intervention you don't see this part in films and people don't talk about it.
It's so lonely and soul destroying and you should take as much time as you need then probably add another week xx

I’m so sorry for you op, shit is the only good description of a mc.

I had one a few years back at 11 weeks. It’s one of the only things I’ve been through that broke me emotionally.

The only good I took from it was the support that came out of the woodwork. So many people I knew saying I had one too. People who haven’t experienced mc themselves just don’t know what to say. Just try to remember that most people are just trying their hardest to be kind. Even if what they say is pretty dreadful (I’m thinking of you mum and mil!).

The hormones are shit. As are the dashing of hopes and dreams. It still makes me sad.

Give you self and your oh loads of time to grieve. There is no right or wrong. I took weeks to properly face the world again without randomly crying. My dh was so devastated by it too.

I fell pregnant again a couple of months later. It was possibly too soon and I did it to try and heal my sadness. I was nervous and a bit disconnected with my pregnancy. I kind of feel like I missed out on that lovely pregnancy optimism I had with my first. But possibly once you have had a mc pregnancy will always be fraught with worry?

Good luck OP x

Sorry to those going through this too and those who have been through it more than once.

The nurse at the epu talked me briefly through the options and gave me some leaflets, but what are people's opinions on medical vs surgical management. I wanted to avoid surgical purely because I didn't want to be away from dd (do you have to stay in). But from what I have read sometimes the medical option doesn't work properly for everyone?

I'm so sorry. Take all the time you need. It really is shit

I've been there, went for a scan at 6 weeks and saw nothing. Back again to see yolk sac. Started miscarrying at 8+3 and spent my birthday in hospital being checked out.
Fucking horrible and people say all the wrong things (meaning well of course)
Be kind to yourself.

For me natural miscarriage was harder emotionally and physically and went on for a couple of weeks. Surgical management is day surgery and doesn't usually need repeating so you won't be away from your dd too long.

I personally would opt for an ERPC but you do usually have to wait for one of those. It depends what you can cope with really.

I hope you have support with whichever you decide to do.

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and heard ''it means something was wrong and it was natures way of helping'' fucking helping!

There is no wrong way of dealing with this. I took myself to bed for a week and didnt want to talk to anyone before returning to work.

Only thing i would say is please dont out yourself in front of pregnant women if you can avoid it for a few weeks. I had two very close friends announce pregnancies within weeks and as much as i love them it floored me.

After my first mmc when I eventually had the erpc after failed medical it was a breeze and I was very angry that I hadn't had it as an option.

When I had my second mmc because of the problems I had with my first we all agreed an erpc was the best course of action and again it was a breeze especially psychologically. I had to stay in the full day but that's because I'm a bleeder. I was still home the same night. I ached much more after this one though and the GA does wipe you out for a couple of days which I didn't know about. But I was 14wks this time so I think that might be why I ached because I felt nothing at all the first time.

Having said that, we are TTC at the moment and I am already thinking about if it goes wrong and I think I would be happy to try medical as long as it was supervised and in hospital.

I had pills to bring on the miscarriage since my body was clearly not recognising that the pregnancy was not progressing. I took one pill, then had to go back 2 days later for another set, which were inserted vaginally. For me, they worked well (though the wait from Thursday when I found out the baby has stopped growing until Monday when I could take the first pill was devastating). I was told there was a small chance (maybe 5%?) that the pills wouldn't work and I'd still need the surgery, but I wasn't keen on surgery and general anaesthetic if there was another option, so decided to try the pills first. Hanging around the house until it had all passed was bleak, though. There's definitely an attraction to having it all over and done with in one go - but the whole process was physically not painful for me (although I expect this varies significantly for each person) and not having to go to hospital was a good option for me.

The bleeding began the day I took the first pill and everything came out the day I had the second set of pills. The bleeding went on for maybe a week after that - but I understood there would be bleeding after the surgical option, too. The waiting, with no real idea what to expect and when, was the worst bit, apart from the crushing sadness and emotional aftermath. I went back to work when the bleeding had stopped, about 2 weeks after I found out the baby had stopped growing. It took several months for me to start to feel a bit less awful emotionally.

I hope whichever option you choose goes well for you - I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.

I had surgical. In and out by lunchtime even with general anaesthetic. They allowed my dh and young toddler to be with me whilst waiting and then recovering. Can’t praise the nhs enough for how kind they were to me. I wanted it done and out of the way. The physical side (excluding hormones) was the easy bit to get over for me.

I had a miscarriage 11 years ago. I thought I would never stop crying and that i would never get over it. But you do stop crying one day and you will be happy again. Give yourself time x

I’m so sorry OP. Not enough people talk about it.

I had a mc nearly 5 weeks ago. I was 8 weeks but measured 5 and lost the baby naturally the next day. The Miscarriage Association were amazing.

I was so naive and ignorant when it came to mc. It happened to other people. I was very wrong and stupid to think that and I am ashamed. I thought it was going to like a period with a bit of cramping but for me it was very very painful.

I’m thinking of you.

Sorry this has happened to you.

It is utterly shit and totally heartbreaking.

You will find that so many people and celebs who were druggies etc will all be pregnant and it just isn't fair.

All advertising seems to be about babies and it will tear you to shreds.

It does get better, but it takes time.

Mine were over 17 years ago and I still think about them.

Good luck.

My MIL asked me if I thought my miscarriages were because I had been on the pill. Way to blame / kick me when I was down.

No advice, it's just awful, especially with another one to take care of. Just so sorry you're having to go through something so horrible.

I had surgical management with an epidural (in Switzerland. I have no idea if that's the norm in the UK). It was a relief to get the medical bits over with. I can't imagine waiting to miscarry. The weekend when I knew it was over but couldn't get to the GP to confirm was bad enough.

It's horrible.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Hi OP - I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I had a d&c last Tuesday. It's shit. I was back at work on Monday and wished I'd been able to take 2 weeks. Physically exhausted and wondering if the blood loss has something to do with it.

But very glad I opted for surgery. I needed to take control and was quite frightened of what to expect if I waited to do it natually. The sac was still growing so who knows how long it would have taken.

I wish you all the best. I don't know when I'm going to feel myself again but have tried to book in a few fun things to look forward to over the coming months. And I'm stealing a few extra cuddles with my angry toddler xx

I had to conceal my miscarriage 30 years ago, in case I had my contract terminated at work. I lost my foetus into the toilet and bled for a fortnight, before an obstetric colleague smuggled me into the ultrasound scan room to check whether I had any retained products of conception. I was working 72 hour weeks as a junior doctor through all this.
I then had to spend Xmas with my heavily pregnant SIL and my PILs, who offered no sympathy (or even comment) about my miscarriage, but proudly showed me the baby intercom they’d bought for their house for when SIL brought the new baby on future visits.
I wanted to turn round, drive the 250 miles home and forget Xmas. But I had to grit my teeth and stay.
I finally managed to produce DD1 two years later, and yes, my contract was terminated at the end of my maternity leave.
I thought a miscarriage was the worst thing that could happen to me, until my husband died 11 months after DD2 was born.
I do sympathise, OP. It is horribly upsetting, when pregnancy should be a time of joy and looking forward.
You will get through it - give yourself time, and avoid pregnant friends/relatives while you are feeling raw and emotional. Try not to punch the thoughtless people who utter platitudes or say you can just have another one - they probably mean well, but don’t know what to say. Sending a hug, and the promise that you will one day be happy again, however unlikely that may seem right now.

YANBU it’s fucking dreadful. I went through one it this time last year. Lost loads of blood, pain akin to labour, retained products so i was in and out of hospital for 2 weeks and eventually had to have surgical management but still managed to get an infection. The least traumatising part of the whole thing was surgical management and I would have it again if necessary. With regards to logistics, I went in at 7am, they wheeled me down at 8.30, woke up in recovery at 9.30 and was home by early afternoon. It was on one of DS’s childcare days so he was none the wiser.

I had 3 weeks off work, but tbh probably could have used an extra week. Unfortunately people assumed when I went back to work that everything was fine. Physically I might have recovered but things felt extremely dark for a month. really though I felt the gloom didn’t lift for a further 2 months, until I got pregnant again actually. I was very fortunate to fall again quickly but pregnancies are horribly anxiety inducing after loss and I still think about the little one I lost.

One of the hardest things was having to deal with other people’s comments. Mil said I “just needed to get on with it” when I was readmitted to hospital with suspected internal bleeding.

Be kind to yourself. I had a 2 year old to think about and wanted to “bounce back” but it was impossible. After the physical stuff is over the grief may carry on and I found things like the due date and baby loss awareness week very difficult.

My worst loss was the MMC. All the confusion and none of the support. All i can say is that you onow how crap the night before a period is due can be. Well after a miscarriahe the hormone drop is a zillion times worse.

No words lovely, it's just shite.

I opted for surgical management for my mmc. Initially it was my least favoured option, but both letting nature take its course and medical management seemed like they still had a high chance of ending up needing the surgery anyway. Plus after a few weeks of waiting for the miscarriage to be confirmed I just wanted closure.

The ERPC was a day procedure, I’d have been out by lunch if they hadn’t had a few emergencies to deal with. I went in at 8am, went into surgery around 1pm (under a general) and then was out by 4pm.

Physically I didn’t have much bleeding at all and aside from feeling a bit woozy from the general for a few days felt fine quite quickly. It just took a lot longer for my emotions to recover. I think it was the best, quickest and most pain free way of dealing with the mmc for me. I’d actually think it would be easier to manage with your DD too. My mum came and looked after my DD, she wasn’t aware anything had happened.

Surgical management here too. I had a 3yo DD and didn’t want to start bleeding in front of her so opted to have the ERPC. Spent four hours sitting beside the ante natal unit watching all the pregnant women come in for their check ups. DH complained but no one moved me or cared tbh. Once I got to the ward I had put such a bright face on that a well meaning nurse told me I was the most cheerful miscarriage sufferer she’d ever met. I’m good at that, hiding things. Then on the way down to the theatre I lost the plot, complete howling sobbing meltdown. I was convinced I was going to die on the operating table (am overweight) and that I’d never see dd1 again. Had horrible rude anaesthetist who complained about my weight as I lay there sobbing. Ugh.

However, in general and the staff who took me down to the theatre etc were lovely and comforting understanding. Just a couple of bad eggs. I got pregnant again the next month and the much loved 6yo result is lying next to me with a sick bowl (joy )! But there’ll always be that gap in our family.

All these stories probably arent helping but you can see how cathartic it is being able to talk about it. That’s the one thing that’s needed for most women. No one lets you do that.

So so many hugs for you. For all the pain in the arse that MN can be, it truly comes into its own when you need support for something like this. I’ll never forget how much it helped me. xx