To have underestimated how fucking awful miscarriage would be?

[loveulotslikejellytots]

Trust me, I never thought it would be a walk in the park and it's not even the physical side I'm struggling with. It's the emotional side.

I got told last Monday that baby was only measuring 6 weeks, I should have been 11. No heartbeat. The epu want to leave it a week and re-scan just in case it was just too early but the spotting is now bleeding although not too heavy (yet).

I went to work Tuesday and Wednesday because I felt ok, I don't work Thursday/Friday.

Mil who I usually get on great with keeps texting me. DH has now told her to leave off for a bit, she thinks she's helping because she loves to talk. I don't. I told her that and now DH has told her that. But so far since Monday I've had every cliche saying sent to me, disguised as help. 'There was probably something wrong', 'At least you have dd', 'It's nature's way', 'At least it was early'. I ignore each one but it usually sets me off into a proper snotty crying session.

DH bumped into our friends yesterday, we are seeing them tomorrow at their new house for their housewarming. She is also 12 weeks pregnant and is announcing to everyone tomorrow. DH told me last night so I wasn't in front of everyone. For some reason that finished me off, I fell asleep sobbing on DH. Why is everything getting to me so much? I'm so happy for my friends, I'm not jealous in the slightest, they had a properly shit time with their 1st baby being born seriously ill (she's fine now) they really deserve it!

AIBU to have underestimated the emotional side of all this? Or am I overreacting? I'm not an 'emotional' person so this is hitting me like a bus. I just feel like curling up in bed for about 2 weeks, but with a 2 year old to entertain that's not possible.

YY re secret club, you'll be amazed ho many people you know have miscarried. And your friend is right it really is properly shit.
Nothing can prepare you. The ladies on the mc board here are wise and kept me (almost) sane when I had a MMC 5 years ago. The waiting on ternthooks for it to start was bloody awful
Useful tips from the mc board that you wouldn't think of helped me cope a bit - something to focus on - like get some comfy leggings ready, make sure you have enough sanitary towels (the big thick nighttime ones), lots of easy to prep meals, comfort food, get some gin/whisky/whatever your poison is in.- have you got some painkillers on standby? like co-codamol? Not every mc is what is thought of as just a bit of bleeding, I found mine quite painful

Wishing you the best jellytots permission to hibernate for a weeks is most certainly granted xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. When I lost our baby at 20 weeks I felt so sad and empty and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. Take it one day at a time, and slowly but surely things do get easier. I now have a 9 month old baby who I love more than anything else in the world. We have not forgotten our first baby, and we never will. But you can have hope and happiness again. In the meantime don't judge yourself too harshly, you will be happy for friends and their pregnancies, you just need time to grieve first.

It is properly awful, I had a mmc last year and was just so bloody sad for a long time after. I had surgical management which helped me as at least I felt like the waiting was over. It was months before I felt properly happy again and it took a second pregnancy to make the absolute devastation about the loss fade a bit.

Be kind to yourself, let yourself cry as much as you need to. It’s completely normal to find other people’s successful pregnancies very hard to deal with for quite a while. So just give yourself time and get your DH to look after you

You asked about time off work OP - I've had two weeks off for two mcs, longest was for one that I waited to happen at home. I don't work in a job where I could cry in front of others or nip off to the toilets if it got too much for me, so I needed more time off.

it is awful. Really shitty.

It is fucking awful. I had a very similar experience baby was 7/8 weeks but miscarried at 11 weeks. I had an over night stay in hospital because bleeding increases as we arrived at the EPU. I had a fortnight off work to recover physically. However emotionally took longer. I hid friends who were pregnant on fb and due within days of my loss. My best friend was a rock. She didn't try to empathise having never experienced miscarriage. She just let me talk and cry and took me out for coffee and cake.
There is no right way to grieve. Just be kind to yourself and know that it will get easier.

So sorry OP. It's utterly shit.

I had a mc at 6 weeks last month. I took 2 weeks off work, went back thinking I was fine. I work in a very high stress job, sometimes dealing with mc/pregnancy/birth. Had a breakdown the other day during my shift, was advised to head home. Now off sick again, wanting to get back but also wanting to hide away from the world. The advice I've been given from everyone who's experienced it before is to take as much time as necessary; there's no such thing as too short or too long.

Do people know? I told friends and family to stop them asking when we'd have another baby. I'm glad I did because the majority have been really supportive. Be kind to yourself, do some self-care, take time out to process what has happened and open up, whether that's in real life or online

I'm so sorry. I also went through this and was completely thrown by how hard I found it both physically and emotionally. I ended up taking 2 weeks off work as I was in a really bad way and I couldn't have gone back any earlier. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve x

I echo what other's have said re: the secret club. I had a MMC last Valentine's Day (how lovely) found out at 12 weeks scan that baby had died at 9 weeks. Hit me like a ton of ice and I didn't know whether to scream, cry or just run away and hide. I went for the D&C as I just wanted it all to be over. I ended up with a couple of weeks off and then got anaemia so was off another week with that. When people found out I got so many replies of 'exactly the same happened to me, it's shit' and an ex colleague told me she still thinks of her MC from 20 years ago. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time, and when I told her she burst into tears! DM never knows what to say and came out with the usual 'at least you know you can get pregnant' nonsense but that's just how she is (and she had 2 MC's before I was born).

My advice is to be as selfish as you need to be. Eat cake, watch crap tv and do whatever you need to do to feel better.

Just remember that you are mourning a loss - if a family member had died would you expect to be 'over it' straight away? Of course not!

I had a miscarriage over 30 years ago at 12/13 weeks that awful feeling of waiting around for the inevitable never leaves you.
Virtual hugs to you Op, just let those "helpful" platitudes go over your head, try not to let them upset you too much.
I was okayish after I got out of hospital but 3 months on from theo miscarriage I was bursting into tears all day and every day it lasted about a week and a midwife friend explained it was all very normal, which was all very reassuring.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Remember you're still dealing with pregnancy hormones as well as grieving- it's a shit combination and there is nothing anyone can say that helps - but it would be easier if people didn't trot out hurtful clichés without thinking- especially when told not to.

Oh and I ended up having 5 weeks off work - I tried to go in after 2 weeks and lasted 30 minutes before bursting into tears, my boss told me to go to the GP and get signed off for another 2 weeks at least. And then Christmas meant work was closed so 5 weeks total.

Thank you. It's kind of reassuring to know this is normal.

We'd only told our parents and a couple of friends that I was pregnant so at least we haven't had to tell lots of people that it's over. We will have to tell Dh's family (Sister and her family) I think because there are 2 babies due this summer and a couple of family gatherings so I'd rather they knew than try and dodge questions. I hadn't thought of that but it might be better they knew.

I wish I'd called epu to see if we could get things started sooner, but now it's Friday, I'm going back Tuesday I'll probably just have to wait it out.

Massive handhold. Been in almost exactly the same situation over Christmas. It's heartbreaking. You're doing so well.

Get some fucking empathy LifeBeginsAtGin

I'm clearly not the only one who's picked up on just how thoughtless and unhelpful your contribution was.

I didn't think Life's post was lacking in empathy Anne. Just because has a different way with words doesn't mean they're wrong or thoughtless. Tbh I agreed that you should calm down.

And you're precious post bears no correlation to what Life said in her post whatsoever. You should read it again and stop putting words in her mouth. Really unfair to write what you have no matter how upset you are.

Previous not precious

It's totally normal to feel that way and it's ok if you still feel that way months down the line . People mean well with the stupid cliches , they just don't realise how it feels . Sorry for your loss, take care of yourself 💓

@AnneLovesGilbert sorry but who are you to dictate what people post.

You get some fucking empathy and speak to people in the appropriate manner.

for you OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

One in four women experience this. I've had 5 losses, and each one was as bad as the first. Believe me I've heard every single cliché going. Be kind to yourself, cry, scream and grieve

It’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through. Even 7 years later there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about that baby. I had an ERPC on the Monday morning and was back at work the following Monday. I should have taken longer, I remember driving to work howling and sobbing.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need, not what other people think you need

Oh my goodness, I remember that sadness. I woke up every morning and it came crashing down and I didn't feel anything except sadness for months and months. I took two weeks off work, had an ERPC because I couldn't cope with the waiting. But then I also wanted to keep the baby with me even though I know it had died and really panicked going in for the procedure. I think I went back to work too early because I was an absolute mess. I still mourn that little baby even though I've since had three others. I know if I had had that baby I wouldn't have the children I do now, but it doesn't stop me from wanting all of them with me.

Sorry for your loss OP. It's just so sad. And yes, people are going to say stupid things. "Don't worry, you can try again" was my favourite, as if it was any old baby I wanted rather than that one.

I think that's one of the worst ones I've had, you can have another one. Right now I don't want another one, I want this one.