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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep something a secret?

111 replies

LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 10:45

NC for this, don't want it linked back to my other threads as its unrelated.

I want to see if other people have similar experiences.

It's something that happened over 6 years ago, I really can't go into detail. But only me and another family member know about it. Basically they did something really, really wrong.
I know morally I should have really told others but if I was to ever spill the beans it would be like dropping a bomb right in the middle of my family, it would cause immense pain and hurt and outrage and potentially break it apart, there would probably be tears, fall outs, breakdowns, you name it.

I don't want that to happen. So I keep it to myself. But it's always right there at the back of my mind.
I just wanted to write it down somewhere.

Do I make sense or is this just incoherent ramble?
Anyone else in a similar position?

OP posts:
Alabama3 · 09/03/2018 10:52

kind of hard to tell what you mean....

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 09/03/2018 10:58

Was it something awful to someone else? Was there a victim of their behaviour? If there was, you're BU to stay quiet.

Clandestino · 09/03/2018 10:59

So do you want to say it or not?
If you don't say, will it cause damage to anyone, influence anything that's going on now?
If you say, will it cause damage to anyone, influence anything that's going on now?
If it's about abuse or a similar criminal offence, it should be said and not kept a secret. By keeping it a secret you enable the abuser to live and enjoy life like nothing happened.

SilverHairedCat · 09/03/2018 11:00

Are we talking an affair between consensual parties? Child molestation? Tax avoidance? Parentage of a child in doubt?

Secrets that can blow a family apart are unlikely to be as simple as someone hiding the identity of who really made the Christmas cake that everyone loved.

No way anyone can tell you what to do, what's OK, what's normal without more information about the issues.

VioletCharlotte · 09/03/2018 11:04

It really depends on what it is they did and what your reasons are for wanting to say something. If others are at risk because of this person (abuse, stealing from a friend: relative) then yes, you need to speak up.

If it was something like having an affair, or committing benefit fraud, I'd stay well out of it.

NerrSnerr · 09/03/2018 11:05

It depends on what it is. An affair I’d probably keep secret, tax avoidance probably not, murder definitely not.

MissDuke · 09/03/2018 11:08

I agree, it is impossible to advise without knowing if anyone was hurt by this. Eg there was a post on here a while back about someone who knew her relative had been viewing child porn, I am still horrified that this was swept under the carpet. However if it is about an affair or maybe untruths about parentage or something, then it is probably none of your business!

Goodasgoldilox · 09/03/2018 11:14

It sounds as if the 'wrong' that was done is too heavy a burden for you to carry alone. If it is still weighing on you after six years - then you do need to share it.

It is difficult to advise on what to do about the 'really really wrong' thing that was done. It does depend on what it was.

HollyBayTree · 09/03/2018 11:18

It depends on whether it is an illegal activity or not.

I dont stand in judgement of other peoples morals, re affairs etc

Do the rest of the family know This Thing was done, just not by whom? or does no one know about This Thing?

SecretlyTheresaMay · 09/03/2018 11:24

I hate these threads to be honest. You’re anonymous so it’s just frustrating to not know what you’re on about even though we have no clue who you are.

SossidgeRoll · 09/03/2018 11:24

If it's a matter of the heart - like an affair etc I would keep quiet forever and remember that people are human and make mistakes.

If it's a crime, then that's different....

theeyeofthestormchaser · 09/03/2018 11:25

It depends what it was - and who else it affected.

Does it have consequences for other people? Long-term ones? Was it illegal? Shold you tell the police?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/03/2018 11:26

Was there a victim, eg did they steal something from someone, or did they defraud someone of something?

Was there an affair? Is the other person well and truly out of the way now? Did the other person suspect?

Would they go to prison for what they did, if found out?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/03/2018 11:26

We need more information. It's too vague

FizzyGreenWater · 09/03/2018 11:28

It depends on what it was.

Sorry!!

As in:

  1. They stole something, got away with it, now all forgotten - but if family knew it would wreck relationships
  1. They hurt, or colluded in hurting/abusing someone within the family. Nobody knows, but by covering for them, you are actually helping to prevent the hurt person getting justice.
  1. - I can see your position and why you kept silent. 2. You are behaving horrendously and need to come clean/set record straight.
NotTakenUsername · 09/03/2018 11:28

We need more information but based on the op I don’t think we will get it.

YABU to post in such a cryptic way when you have already name changed.

LittleLightsShineBright · 09/03/2018 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 09/03/2018 11:28

As PP say. Was there a victim to this "really, really wrong" thing?

What were the consequences of this to others?

Was anyone deprived of anything, or duped into doing something they otherwise wouldn't?

You've namechanged, you might as well say what it was, even in vague terms would help.

GoldfishCrackers · 09/03/2018 11:30

Was the really bad thing something that they did to you?

HollyBayTree · 09/03/2018 11:32

I hte these threads. Come back

Original poster
LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 11:34

@GoldfishCrackers you've got it.

Sorry to be so cryptic, I have literally never ever told anyone, I've never even said it out loud, my DP doesn't even know. A big part of me really doesn't ever want to say it.

I'm not still suffering or anything like that, I'm fine, but I know it was really wrong of them.

OP posts:
OohMavis · 09/03/2018 11:36

I think it totally depends, it's impossible to say without context.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/03/2018 11:37

Oh!

Then that's so different.

OP, if it's eating you up, then you should try thinking through a way to deal with it.

Here is a really good first step. If you can say what happened, you will not only get a wide range of opinions on how others would feel in your shoes, but also suggestions on how you could start to tackle it.

But tackle it you must. Whatever it was, if you're the injured party and yet YOU'RE also the one left feeling that justice hasn't been done - then something needs to give.

OohMavis · 09/03/2018 11:38

OP if you were assaulted in any way you have no obligation to keep it a secret to prevent a family fallout.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/03/2018 11:38

But my lovely, you are still suffering. Could you bring yourself to confide in someone outside of the family, it would help you to talk about it. You may even change your mind and reveal the secret.🌸

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