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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep something a secret?

111 replies

LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 10:45

NC for this, don't want it linked back to my other threads as its unrelated.

I want to see if other people have similar experiences.

It's something that happened over 6 years ago, I really can't go into detail. But only me and another family member know about it. Basically they did something really, really wrong.
I know morally I should have really told others but if I was to ever spill the beans it would be like dropping a bomb right in the middle of my family, it would cause immense pain and hurt and outrage and potentially break it apart, there would probably be tears, fall outs, breakdowns, you name it.

I don't want that to happen. So I keep it to myself. But it's always right there at the back of my mind.
I just wanted to write it down somewhere.

Do I make sense or is this just incoherent ramble?
Anyone else in a similar position?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 09/03/2018 13:00

I can’t work out if it’s something big that you are trying to down play or if it’s something small that you are making a bigger deal of in your head.

You seem to say you’re fine about it and it’s wasn’t anything huge but then you also say telling people would be like dropping a bomb and that you can’t even say it.

I honest feel that there shouldn’t be things you feel you want to keep from your partner. I’m not sure how that would affect your relationship long term as it’s still a piece of you and it does affect you even if not in a major way.

You could write it down and burn it. You could go on a walk and say it out loud when you’re alone. You could tell a friend who does not know your family.

XXHelenaXX · 09/03/2018 13:11

Seeing as you are anonymous why don't you just post exactly what it was?

StillMe1 · 09/03/2018 13:20

I would guarantee you total secrecy if you wanted to PM it to me to get it off your chest. Just a thought.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2018 13:33

Unless there is an innocent person or people at risk, then it is your secret to keep. You don't have to tell anyone. But remember too that there are many things that we think are 'victimless' or that we have been the only 'target' and that may not be true.

And you don't have to tell your partner, either. We are all entitled to keep secrets from our partners as long as our behaviour towards them isn't affected in a negative way.

Please talk to a counselor. You can tell them absolutely anything and they will be nonjudgmental and they are bound by confidentiality laws. They can also help you work through whether or not it is in your best interests to tell or keep silent.

Original poster
LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 14:08

Thank you for all the replies, I'm reading just a bit busy with the baby.

I'm a little concerned now I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

But I think I will share it on here as I don't think anyone it involves has a way of finding out.

I was groped by an older family member who I'm related to by blood. It happened only once, I was around the ages of 16-18 (again can't remember exactly).
It was only brief as I got out of the situation by pretending I needed to go to the toilet and I panicked in there but it wasn't over my clothes. I don't know if he would have tried anything else. It was never mentioned again.
He is married and has been for 20+ years.
But here's the twisted part (I think there's something wrong with me), I don't hate or dislike him. I've seen him and talked to him many times since that happened. I don't think he's a bad person, he'd do anything for anyone and he's genuinely always there for people. I don't have any adverse reactions when I do see him which I'm not sure why because considering his relation to me it's sick. I actually felt sick when I escaped to the toilet.

OP posts:
Goodasgoldilox · 09/03/2018 14:14

If it is abuse (of you) then you deserve all sympathy.

It looks as if you have made a brave effort to ignore this (by shutting down emotions) but have found as many of us do that this is not a cure. It is just a way of coping and it is usually temporary.

There is no reason to suppose that it won't happen to someone else. Abuse isn't usually a one-off thing.

Reporting something like this isn't all about justice/punishment. It is also about stopping the abuser and throwing light on what else they might be doing under a cloak of respectability.

Goodasgoldilox · 09/03/2018 14:16

x-posted.
I see it was abuse of you.

This doesn' t look like nothing to me. I can see why it would have long effects. If he did this to you - what else might he be doing elsewhere?

neveradullmoment99 · 09/03/2018 14:16

He sexually assaulted you. You are blood relatives. Totally unacceptable.

neveradullmoment99 · 09/03/2018 14:17

There is no reason to suppose that it won't happen to someone else. Abuse isn't usually a one-off thing.

neveradullmoment99 · 09/03/2018 14:18

I agree with this ^

Sarahjconnor · 09/03/2018 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillMe1 · 09/03/2018 14:22

Firstly I am glad that you found yourself able to speak to the posters on here including me.
I agree with GoodasGoldilocks that these situations are rarely a one off. There may well be others who have had the same done to them and who are also keeping the secret.
Is there an older female person in the family you could talk to? It might be a thought to speak to those relatives around the same age or status as you (same relationship).
So many of these people get away with it because they convince people to stay quiet.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 09/03/2018 14:25

Someone did something to me when I was a child, then 8 years ago a detective constable was on my doorstep telling me the same person had done the same thing to my daughter. It's a shame they're dead, because I have no one to scream at.

seventh · 09/03/2018 14:31

You were assaulted by a relative who everyone thinks is a jolly good chap but you know he's a sleeze. You're not bothered about it, it hasn't affected you, but you do sometimes think about the fall out if you told your family about him.

He will have done this to others.

I think you are affected by it.

I think you should see a counsellor to work out what's going on with your emotions.

WinnieFosterTether · 09/03/2018 14:41

I'm sorry this happened to you Flowers
I don't think you're as fine with it as you think you are. You didn't feel anything because you disassociated and buried it but you haven't dealt with it. You haven't processed it. You're focusing on the potential impact on the wider family so you don't have to consider the impact it's actually had on you. Please try to speak to someone about this. You don't need to tell them who it was if you feel unable to do so but I think you will benefit from sharing your story and this horrible burden.

anotherchangetomyname · 09/03/2018 14:50

You were sexually assualted. It's very likely you weren't the first person he did it to and you likely weren't the last.

If you feel able to speak out you should - it will allow others he has abused to speak out too.

Do you have younger cousins/ siblings? They are at risk from this person.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/03/2018 15:11

I'm so sorry you have had to endure this. I think it's disgusting that you have felt obligated to carry this burden all by yourself. When he assaulted you it may have been the first time. However I doubt it was the last. Obviously I can't tell you what to do. It's far too sensitive. That has to be your decision. I do know that this disgusting beast deserves punishing. Could it have also happened to other relatives who are too frightened to speak out.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/03/2018 15:25

I thought as much that it was bigger than you realised.

Plenty of abusers are not “bad people”. They can be generous or caring and go the nth mile for people but it doesn’t negate the bad actions that they do do.

I was occasionally physically abused as a child, one punch every few months. But I love him and we have a good relationship now and most of the time we did at the time but I am haunted by it now and will vocalise it to him. Now I’m a mother I don’t understand it the way I used to because I can see DD being the age I was and compare rather than being the one in it and thinking I’m just tough and also had his temper.

What I’m trying to say that others do have similar feelings towards people who have abused them in whatever form but it doesn’t mean you should forgive and forget their actions or justify them. You should know what they are capable of.

Original poster
LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 16:12

Thank you for the Thanks
As I said I don't think I'm affected by it now. It just made me more cynical of the world I suppose as by then I already found out that pretty much all of the males in my life (father, DGPs etc) have all cheated on their wife's at one point or another, and then he did that and it just strengthened my opinion of distrust.

I don't want to tell DP as he will refuse to see them ever again (they live abroad) and it will make it really hard on me to justify to him, rightly so, but I don't want that risk.

I really don't think anyone else is at risk, the circumstances that allowed him to do that to me were very, very unique. I know him and his wife's lives and routines, they're pretty much always together especially now they're older.

I just feel like I would be causing such a huge disaster that will also hurt me as I will watch my family suffer over something that is in comparison relatively small.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 09/03/2018 16:19

It's not small though. It stays with you forever Sad.

seventh · 09/03/2018 16:29

Then why are you discussing it here? If it's so small, you're not affected by it and there's no point telling any of your family because the man will not be able to repeat the act now? Why tell anyone anything if it's so trivial? Why ask anyone anything in regards to the abuse?

You're in denial imo.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/03/2018 16:48

LuLu, you were very brave to tell, now that you have done, you can tell your DP, and you really should tell him. You have carried this rock on your back, trying to make light of it, for too long.
Out him ..... there are names for scum like him.
These are you Sweet 🌺🌺🌺

LoveProsecco · 09/03/2018 16:57

OP I think it's great you have finally said it/typed it. It's a dreadful and unacceptable thing that happened so be kind to yourself.

You are not over it, so I think you need to discuss IRL whether that's counselling or your DP. I also think you need to terminate your relationship with this person.

Thanks
Original poster
LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 17:39

Thanks for the last replies x

I think it helped me write it down. I'm ok. I won't tell anyone else.

The woman he is with sacrificed her life and went through hell and back, lived in communism, poverty, (so did he but I know it doesn't matter) she built a life and a home for herself for when she's old, she's now retired and only just starting to live her life and enjoy it. It would feel like I'm sabotaging it and to be honest she probably would not leave anyway, she has lived on the same plot of land all her life. And she won't make him leave either. They come from a very traditional background, the families stuck together through it all and things got brushed under the carpet - I know it's not the right way but that's how they are.
If I was to tell on him it would probably just make her miserable for the remainder of hers, not to mention the effect it will have on the rest of the family.

Whereas I'm thousands of miles away, have my own little home and family and I'm doing good. I only see them about once a year if that.

OP posts:
seventh · 09/03/2018 17:46

I think it does help to talk even anonymously 💕

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