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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep something a secret?

111 replies

LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 10:45

NC for this, don't want it linked back to my other threads as its unrelated.

I want to see if other people have similar experiences.

It's something that happened over 6 years ago, I really can't go into detail. But only me and another family member know about it. Basically they did something really, really wrong.
I know morally I should have really told others but if I was to ever spill the beans it would be like dropping a bomb right in the middle of my family, it would cause immense pain and hurt and outrage and potentially break it apart, there would probably be tears, fall outs, breakdowns, you name it.

I don't want that to happen. So I keep it to myself. But it's always right there at the back of my mind.
I just wanted to write it down somewhere.

Do I make sense or is this just incoherent ramble?
Anyone else in a similar position?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 09/03/2018 11:39

Was what they did to you something criminal or immoral?

I can’t keep anything from DH and telling DH is not the same as telling the whole family but I guess it depends if to your DP something he would act upon or not

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/03/2018 11:39

I'm with others that it really depends what it was.

  1. Stupid drunken ONS that has never been repeated - what would be gained by bringing it out in the open?
  2. Minor criminal behaviour that can't now be proved - e.g. low level one off shoplifting. It might affect how I view the person but I wouldn't disclose it. 3)More significant criminality, viewing child abuse images, etc. then I would not keep quiet.
HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 09/03/2018 11:41

its to ambiguous to comment on, but for me personally, if someone was hurt and suffered, laws were broken, and it could happen again then it should not be hidden

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/03/2018 11:42

X Post

OP you are not fine. Whatever it was it is still playing on your mind. If someone did something to you that you did not agree to then that is never OK.

You don't necessarily have to disclose to the family but I think you need to tell someone (a therapist, a helpline or the Samaritans) so you can start to come to terms with it.

Original poster
LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 11:47

I feel like I am ok with it, the only reason It's cropped up in my mind recently it's because there's been a bit of a general fall out between me and some other people in the family and certain family members are trying to tell me how to handle it/what to do and preaching and it's grating on me.
I keep thinking they'd soon stop being so righteous if they knew what their so and so did.
But I still know I will never tell them. It will just really mess things up.

OP posts:
purplelass · 09/03/2018 11:48

I think you will benefit from talking to someone about it - like a PP said, Samaritans might be a good place to start. Completely anonymous and non judgemental and I'm sure it'll feel like a weight off your mind to let it out.

NotTakenUsername · 09/03/2018 11:48

Based on your update yanbu to keep your secret and and yanbu to tell your secret.

It is your secret and you get to decide. They don’t get a vote because they did the bad thing to you.

OutyMcOutface · 09/03/2018 11:51

If this person present a danger to other you have a moral obligation to tell. If there is no threat to others then it is your choice. As others have said you are clearly not over this. Will telling help you move on? Do you value the relative peace that you have now over closure? I find that when making difficult decisions it can be useful to ask yourself how you will feel in 30 years time. Will you regret not telling? Is there a possibility that this has/could happen to others. If it wasn’t just you would that make you regret not saying anything sooner? Will you still be thinking about this on your deathbed? Would spending the rest of your life agonising over this make you feel regretful?

GreenMeerkat · 09/03/2018 11:52

Did they break the law?

If so you need to tell somebody.

If not, then think about whether you would want to know if you were the offended party. Also do consider the 'shoot the messenger' situation that quite often happens.

Notallthat · 09/03/2018 11:52

If you're talking about child abuse the person that did it isn't just going to stop, they could be doing it to someone else, or they could in the future. Their actions caused the problems not you telling someone. I'm taking a leap here but if it is some form of abuse please contact someone and talk it through with them. Its confidential and you don't need to give your details.

MrsJayy · 09/03/2018 11:56

If this person did something so awful to you that it is eating you up then it is ok to speak up if you want to, the fall out is not your responsibility it is all on them. Ifyou don't want to then that is ok too but would you consider opening up to a counsillor or somebody ?

NoSquirrels · 09/03/2018 11:57

Hmm.

Someone in your family did a "really, really wrong" thing to you and you have kept quiet - out of loyalty?

Sexual assault?

it's always right there at the back of my mind

You are not as "OK" with it as you think.

MixedHerbs · 09/03/2018 11:58

I think that it would be really helpful if you told us your age.
See, to me, if you were under 18 six years ago, this is probably not an issue you should have to decide on.
If you were an adult, then yes, you need to decide.
Once we know your age, then obviously we can think about whether it was a legal issue, financial dishonesty, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc etc.

Quartz2208 · 09/03/2018 12:00

I think you know you need to let it out for your sake - not necessarily to family but maybe via counselling where there is someone who has to keep it secret

neveradullmoment99 · 09/03/2018 12:02

It depends. If it was abuse, I feel you have to tell. How do you know it will not happen to someone else?

Ironfloor · 09/03/2018 12:02

I wouldn't keep the secret.

Why shouldn't anyone know of what the person did to me, to make me suffer at that time? Why should it me who bears the cross (ok, I know you said you aren't suffering anymore but surely it's there in the back of your mind)?

I think the rest of your family has a right to know what that person really is. What if s/he is still capable of doing same to another person or family member? You have the chance to protect any potential future victim.

NotTakenUsername · 09/03/2018 12:02

Why exactly do pp try to guess what the op has clearly stated she doesn’t want to disclose? Hmm

This isn’t a detective novel, it’s someone’s real life.

SossidgeRoll · 09/03/2018 12:02

:( you might find that sharing this (with someone irl - I'm not suggesting on here) helps you gain some perspective... possibly it's important that this person faces their actions. It might be the right thing for you and that is important.

invitroveritas · 09/03/2018 12:04

Are you fearing the fallout of telling a secret that will be attributable only to you, OP? Have you prevented justice from prevailing and may have denied others due process?

The perpetrator of whatever was done has placed what has become an intolerable burden on you and I think you should tell them to reveal what took place or you will make it known yourself. That is fair under these circumstances, unless you fear for your safety in which you should inform an authority who will respect your privacy.

Sarahjconnor · 09/03/2018 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneEyre70 · 09/03/2018 12:07

I can understand why you are keeping this to yourself, but I'd be very wary of keeping things from your DP? Is there a reason why you haven't told them? I think if you can, you should - because it would do you good to talk through it by the sound of it.

QueenofmyPrinces · 09/03/2018 12:07

I carry a secret and have done for about 10 years. If I had told at the time it would have caused immense tears and just like you said, it really would be like dropping a bomb and watching friendships and families explode.

Even though it’s still been 10 years it’s still always in my mind.

By not telling my secret I feel I have betrayed someone close to me but if I had told the secret I would have betrayed someone even closer to me, so I didn’t.

I made the decision not to tell and so I just carry the burden of it around with me.

Rachie1973 · 09/03/2018 12:10

I kept my secret so as not to hurt my family. The fall out would be huge.

I speak about it quite openly here, its very therapeutic for me.

Original poster
LuLutheLobster · 09/03/2018 12:10

To the posters saying I should tell someone anonymous. Like who?

I really can't put a date/time on it. I only put 6 years ago as I know it was a bit before me and DP became a couple.

Like I've mentioned. It wasn't anything huge, but it was really wrong. The thing that hurt the most was the broken trust, they're supposed to be one of the most trusted people.

I'm fine, I was pretty fine straight away but I tend to do that, I switch off emotions and just carry on.
I don't think there's a risk of it happening to anyone else.

OP posts:
seventh · 09/03/2018 12:14

Talk to a counsellor. You're not fine or you wouldn't be considering what would happen if you used it as leverage. You need to talk it through confidentially.

If it's child abuse then it WILL have happened to others,

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