To keep something a secret?

[LuLutheLobster]

NC for this, don't want it linked back to my other threads as its unrelated.

I want to see if other people have similar experiences.

It's something that happened over 6 years ago, I really can't go into detail. But only me and another family member know about it. Basically they did something really, really wrong.
I know morally I should have really told others but if I was to ever spill the beans it would be like dropping a bomb right in the middle of my family, it would cause immense pain and hurt and outrage and potentially break it apart, there would probably be tears, fall outs, breakdowns, you name it.

I don't want that to happen. So I keep it to myself. But it's always right there at the back of my mind.
I just wanted to write it down somewhere.

Do I make sense or is this just incoherent ramble?
Anyone else in a similar position?

IMO The person that hurt you should not have your protection. Family and friends need to make their own mind up and realise that the person that hurt you, is not who they think he/she is.
Are you scared you may not be believed? That they may turn on you? In the end, the truth will come out one day. It may not be you that delivers it. It may be someone else that has suffered and then how will it impact on you?
Of course, it depends. If this person only hurt you and you can guarantee they cannot go on to do the same to others then it is yours alone. If you cant you have an obligation to tell.

so it wasnt abuse but wrong not illegal?

It depends what it was I guess if it was a crime against you report it to the police or if you don't want to do that you could email the samaritans or you could go to your Gp and ask if you could be referred to councilling or if it is playing heaviliy on your mental health you could talk to a mental health nurse if your surgery has that service.

The Samaritans are anonymous.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

You can speak to a counsellor. However if you disclose child abuse or some other types of criminality they would be ethically bound to disclose to a third party. All this would be explained in your first session before you start talking.

Please talk to your partner. It is something still bothering you and they would want to know and help you and give you someone to talk to and sound off. Your partner will respect your privacy of who you want to tell. They might have even noticed you seem quiet and will be relieved when you the kind them as they will want to help you.

It’s up to you if you keep the secret or not. I think you can imagine different ways it could work out so only you can really decide. I don’t think I could even suggest anything because I’m not sure what kind of thing happened. Maybe counselling like others have said, maybe that way you can talk to someone and see what they suggest.

It's your secret to tell so it's your choice in who you tell.

I've been keeping a secret for the last couple of years, if I told anyone then there would be a huge family fall out, however it's not my secret and this person confided in me (it's to do with paternity of a child) I think I'm the only person who knows.

That's not my secret to tell. However yours is. If it's affecting you then maybe you should tell somebody

The reason people are trying to work out what happened is because it totally affects the advice you are able to give - and OP has asked for advice.

The real obvious one is some sort of abuse from an older family member, it's not surprising that that is what most folk are alluding to as it's a given that you DON'T want to start giving potentially breezy advice to get over it or focus on something else if THAT'S what the problem is. People are making reference to something of that seriousness in order not to potentially wade in with their size nines. If that makes sense.

OP, if you don't want to go into any more detail, here is what I would consider:

a. you're not fine. You're just not. That is IMPORTANT. Don't brush it off and try and tell yourself you should be getting over it, etc. Prioritise your feelings here and spend time working out how you can make this ok. You have the RIGHT to be ok.

b. Sit and think about the option of telling your partner. Do you trust him to be supportive, and to keep your confidence? If so, consider whether getting to the point where you can tell him, and have a confidant at last, is possible. Could this make all the difference? Carrying something alone is awful. How would you feel if you had someone else, on your side, that you could let off steam to right now re the patronising advice - someone else to raise an eyebrow alongside you? Genuinely better, or just tangled up anew that someone else in the family knew?

b. Counselling. Have a good think about this as an option - the concept of actually talking about this in RL.

op, switching off your emotions and battling on doesn't work in the long run. The anger/anguish tends to leak out in unexpected ways. Many of us here wil be able to attest to that. Other people in your life end up getting frustrated with you (because your reactions won't make sense) and it sours your relationships with them even though you are trying desperately not to let it affect you. It IS affecting you, and you'd do best to address it.

@NotTakenUsername counsellors aren't duty bound or obliged to disclose historic child abuse of the client; only if the OP disclosed that she knew of a child being hurt currently. It's a safe space for the client to talk about the issues for themselves with no pressure. The victim of child abuse isn't considered to have to take any responsibility for the actions (future or potential or past) of an abuser.

@NotTakenUsername

You can speak to a counsellor. However if you disclose child abuse or some other types of criminality they would be ethically bound to disclose to a third party. All this would be explained in your first session before you start talking.

Not completely true, certainly if you're disclosing child abuse, as I understand it you would have to identify the person, as in name them. You can obviously choose not to do that.

I think it does matter what was done - if only whether it was a one-off wrong-doing or something that might affect other people or be done to other people some day.

In any event, OP, you really aren't over it. As a start you could call the samaritans and just tell whoever is on the other end of the line. Completely anonymous, they won't try to advise you, will just listen. It might help you to simply say it out loud to another person - might give shape to it and help you figure out whether you really want to stay silent.

Have you ever spoken to the family member who did this about it?

If it was abuse, I feel you have to tell. How do you know it will not happen to someone else?

And enough of comments like that. What an abuser does is not the responsibility of the person who was abused. All this sort of comment is likely to do is increase guilty feelings in the person who was abused. Not everyone will report what happened to them, it's not unreasonable not to.

This might seem a bit facile, but there are a couple of apps/websites where people share secrets anonymously called, I think, Whisper and Post Secret (?)

Perhaps just writing it down will clarify your feelings and then you can think about what to do. Carrying it around in your head must be very difficult.

@mirime not sure if you meant would or wouldn't but no, clients definitely do not have to disclose the name of their abuser to a counsellor.

Sorry this is horrible for you. You can always talk to the Samaritans or a counsellor or to start just write it down and shred it, or put it in a bottle and send it out to sea and see if that makes you feel better.

This is all so cryptic. You need to elaborate or people can’t help you.

If you can't say the words, or even type them, you aren't ok. Your blocking it but that's not the same. I could never say the weird suicide, referred to it as the s weird. I knew I hard started to deal with it when I could say "I attempted suicide". I can't talk about what happened before very coherently, v few people know and I know i'm a long way from over it. 14 years have passed and it isnt ever hugely far away from me.

Talk to someone - counsellor, samaritans etc (you dont need to be suicidal) but you won't ever truly deal with it whilst its locked inside

"I'm fine, I was pretty fine straight away but I tend to do that, I switch off emotions and just carry on."

This jumped out at me. I did this for something serious what happened to me as a child. Three decades later I had to have some full on therapy to deal with it. You could contact the Samaritans, tell your GP, I would listen if you just want to tell someone which you are welcome to do so by PM. I don't ever have to read it if it would help to just tell someone.

Are you saying that someone assaulted you and this person is heralded by others to be a bit of a saint?

I am keeping a secret too. I was threatened that if I told I would get "sorted". The person who issued the threat is well able to do so. They are not the person who did the "thing" but I do believe that they would be the responsible party.

What I can understand about the OP is that this secret "thing" goes round and round in your head. Thoughts go in many directions. What if this is done to someone less able? What if this is the way this person's life is going to be? What is happening for the person to act in this way? I don't understand enough about the whys and wherefors but I do know that I was shocked that it happened and shocked and disappointed that I was threatened into silence. There was no support for me. I may have left the situation open to all sorts of different future scenarios. I did not feel that I would be believed.
OP if you have an understanding and supportive partner please talk to that person and take their advice. They know you and they may also know the person who did this and be in a good position to assess what to do next.

I second the recommendation of the Samaritans. A call to them is anonymous and they will not tell you what to do, they will just listen and it may help you to work it out for yourself.

Also, in broad general terms (bearing in mind that OP doesn't want to give details and is under no obligation to do so) some things are thought 'very wrong' by some people but not by others. If (and this is purely an example) OP comes from a religious family who are violently opposed to abortions, and the secret she knows is that another family member had an abortion, it would be harmful and profoundly wrong for OP to tell other family members.

Other questions you could maybe ask yourself, OP:
Will letting other people know keep them safe?
Will it lead to legal retribution against the person who did the thing?
Is there any way whatever was done can be put right?
What good will come out of you speaking up?

I get a slight feeling from one of your later posts that part of what is motivating you is dislike of this person and a wish to see them hurt and punished and shunned. If they harmed you directly, that's understandable, but if it's a matter of them having 'got away with' an action you disapproved of, it's not a good idea to upset the whole family in order to get revenge on one person.

I'm sorry this thing was done to you. It wasn't your fault or your responsibility. YWNBU to tell your family and YWNBU to keep this from your family. Your choice. Your responsibility is to your own health and well-being.

I know that shutting something in a box and not consciously thinking about it can be a useful strategy for a while. Especially if you don't feel robust enough at that particular time to deal with it. But when it starts to leak out you may not have the choice about whether to deal with it.

If you feel like you're ready to talk about it, find a counselor. If nothing else, to be clear that your reactions are valid, that though it can be your secret, it's not your shame.

Right now you sound like you are feeling righteous outrage about this person's position and respect within your family. This anger is entirely appropriate and healthy and is showing you your boundaries. Can you dodge/distance yourself from this conflict for now? Is there anyone in your family you can trust with even a hint of what this person did? Is this person really so trusted and well respected by everyone? Or are others burying similar things?

Whether you tell anyone really depends on whether it would make you feel better to do so. Would it make a positive difference to your life or another persons? Is it stopping you living a normal life?

I had a similar dilemma. I was abused by my best friends grandfather from around 6 - 9 years old. I didn't know it was abuse, I just knew it wasn't right. I told my best friend at the time. She called me a liar and said nobody would believe me so I kept it to myself for 40 years because of the rift I knew it would cause between our families. He's dead now, the molestor. When I go to the cemetery to visit my parents' graves, I spit on his. It achieves nothing but makes me feel better. I still wouldn't tell anyone because it would hurt the old man's daughter even though I owe them nothing.