To keep something a secret?

[LuLutheLobster]

NC for this, don't want it linked back to my other threads as its unrelated.

I want to see if other people have similar experiences.

It's something that happened over 6 years ago, I really can't go into detail. But only me and another family member know about it. Basically they did something really, really wrong.
I know morally I should have really told others but if I was to ever spill the beans it would be like dropping a bomb right in the middle of my family, it would cause immense pain and hurt and outrage and potentially break it apart, there would probably be tears, fall outs, breakdowns, you name it.

I don't want that to happen. So I keep it to myself. But it's always right there at the back of my mind.
I just wanted to write it down somewhere.

Do I make sense or is this just incoherent ramble?
Anyone else in a similar position?

You should phone Samaritans, just getting it all out and off your chest will help you.

And if you're ever alone be with him again, even briefly make sure you tell him that he's a dirty old bastard and you only keep your mouth shut for his wife's sake. Don't let him think you're colluding with him.

One thing that bugs me about these situations is that the ‘victim’ is always afraid to tell because of the massive family fall out and upset they will cause if they do.

Failing to see that the cause of the upset is the perpetrator committing the act, not them telling about it.

I think you might benefit from talking it through with a counsellor, as well, OP. But I also understand your concerns about the impact on other family members (including those who are completely blameless) if you speak about it. I think your priority should probably be getting to a point where you feel comfortable, and then decide what, if anything, you should do.
Because, particularly if something happened years ago and nothing was said at the time, a consequence of telling the secret may well be that the victim is disbelieved, shunned and otherwise punished, and therefore telling all may not be worth it to the victim. It's a choice everyone has to make for themselves.

Thanks @ReanimatedSGB I feel like I am comfortable. As I've mentioned before it was a very short encounter, as much as it ruined that person for me apart from that I think I'm ok.

The fallout that would inevitably happen should I out him will also hurt ME and I think that's why I've made the decision not to. Apart from him I have a lovely family and watching it all go to pot would break my heart and probably hurt me even more.

I am still probably trying to block it out to an extent but I've only just realised it now so will be dealing with it in my own time.

It's all very sad.

Any fall-out within the family wold not be your fault. It would be the fault of the abuser. They have to take responsibility for what they did, and for all of the consequences of what they chose to do. You, on the other hand, did not choose to be abused. It is not your responsibility to protect them by staying silent about it.

Hope you found it helpful to post and read all the responses. There's good advice above.

I'm so sorry this happened.
I would just think about what if he did this or worse to someone else. Or if someone did something like that to your child. I don't mean that to sound harsh but if you found out about someone else being harmed by this person then you would feel guilty for not stopping this person.
I do understand the hesitation for the problems it would cause in the family tho. I really feel for you x

Well what is it ? Did they rape someone? Steal from someone? Hurt someone? Then YABU

If they did something like have an abortion, tell a lie, kiss someone of their own sex then YANBU ...

It’s very reliant on what they did

LemonysSnicket page 4

at the very least i dont think you should see him again wont be that hard fif he live sin another country

doing things for others doesnt mean anything jimmy saville gave loads to charity look what he did

My grandfather's best friend, 'Uncle' XY, used to grope me on the odd occasions that I saw him. It was on top of my clothes thankfully, but strangely it was done in front of the entire family. He used to put his back to the room and as he wore a coat, it hid his activities. It was all disguised as a tickle and I still feel completely angry at myself for forcing myself to laugh in front of everyone and almost allowing it to happen.

I am not sure how long this went on for, possibly four or five years until I was about 20. I did nothing about it at all as I felt so embarrassed and didn't want to cause any fall-out in the family. I was even too stupid to misunderstand the looks that he gave me during his groping session, as hatred and disgust at me. Now, I know those looks to be warnings that I wasn't to speak out about it. I kept quiet about this for decades apart from to ex-H and DP. When I told my mother, she didn't believe me as 'Uncle' was her favourite uncle and had never done anything like that to her.
I don't feel that I am particularly traumatised but if DP ever tried to do a certain type of thing, I would go off my chump and he wouldn't know what hit him (poor soul!).
I have no idea if he did similar to other people before he died, but as he was so confident about doing it publicly, I would not be surprised.

I don't think that abusers do it once and then forget about it. You might feel able to speak out one day and tell your family. I'm really sorry OP