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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to share a birthday present

114 replies

mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 20:41

ok, lots of back story but in a nutshell my big bro is given every free ride going by both my (separated) parents. To the point that he now even has an interest free mortgage provided by one of our parents despite him being perfectly capable of paying his own but choosing not to; one o those fully fledged adults that flops from crisis to crisis and expects t be bailed out as life constantly surprises him. He has a good job, and a wife and child and should be perfectly capable of having a very stable life well within his means. Instead he will still suddenly call up to say to car insurance is due etc (because obviously this can't be predicted) and he doesn't have X amount to pay it. I have suggested he could direct debit it monthly etc but he says no as that would cost more so gets one of our parents to 'loan' the money but never repays it.

Anyway, long story short our mum has a very significant birthday soon, I have saved up a pretty significant sum of money to order her some jewellery which has been on order since nov to track down specific stones and get made. He asked today what our plan were and if he could get in on it. He has offered to pay less than 10% of the cost but want to go in on it with a card etc. AIBU to feel really bitter and want to find a way to say no (which seems really mean as I know she loves this item of jewellery) but I have gone without to save all this money and if it comes from both of us surely she will assume it is 50/50.
I feel like i am being cruel to my sibling as I can't suggest anything that i know she would like as much as I know she would like this, but I have planned and budgeted for this for almost a year and he now wants in 3 weeks before.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 07/03/2018 20:45

No way in hell I’d let him in on it. It’s his mum too - he can sort his own gift

Gide · 07/03/2018 20:46

Tell him no, simple, really. Why should be benefit from your planning/money/time spent? He’s an idiot.

PrincessLeia80 · 07/03/2018 20:46

Just do the bare minimum offer up some basic suggestions, but don't share your present whatever happens

Aprilmightmemynewname · 07/03/2018 20:47

Please be the one who sees him as an adult. Its a no from me db - but I am sure she would like x y or z...

Gendarme · 07/03/2018 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 20:50

but it does feel mean, and I feel like gifts shouldn't be a competition. I kind of want to find a way to say 'he gave x amount to this' which I know is shit, but I would also like her to recognise that she means a huge amount to us and I have tried to show her that by a slightly extravagant gesture.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 07/03/2018 20:52

I would only let him in for 50% of cost, even then only if you want to but 10% is an insult to both you and your mum.

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 20:57

Gendarme yes, maybe something to accompany it is a good idea. I will think about this and see what I can come up with that doesn't seem too much like throwing crumbs as I don't want it to seem insulting to him.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 07/03/2018 20:57

Either he goes 50/50 with you on costs and it's from both of you or he gets his own present. There's no way you can really communicate he only put in 10%.

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 07/03/2018 20:58

Please don't let him share the present. Even if he pays half which I don't see happening
He just wants an easy ride and you're not obliged to help.

Also you sound lovely, enjoy the credit of this present all to yourself.

Allthewaves · 07/03/2018 21:01

Sorry he's had free rides because everyone let's him and doesn't pull him up. Tell him if he wants to go 50:50 that fine but will need cash now or he needs to sort his own present.

HolyShet · 07/03/2018 21:01

Absolutely not
Why should you not only pay for his gift to her but also think up what he could give
" I have been planning and saving up for this for a year, get your own present "

Writersblock2 · 07/03/2018 21:02

You’re being walked over. Re-read your original post. Your sibling deliberately uses your parents and now he’s using you. Don’t let him. I get it though - my DH’s brother never bothers with gift giving and tried to piggy back on our gift (after spending significant time thinking/researching it) so we told him no, we wanted to do this ourselves. He backed down in the end.

coconutpie · 07/03/2018 21:02

You would be insane to let him in on this gift when he is only contributing a tiny amount! Fuck that shit! Tell him no - you are buying her something yourself, you don't want to do a joint gift and he will have to think up of something himself.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/03/2018 21:03

He either pays 50% of the cost of the gift or he doesn't get involved with your gift. Those are the terms and conditions. If he can't, then he can sort out his own gift for his mother.

SomeKnobend · 07/03/2018 21:03

I feel really sad for you op. Your parents treat you terribly if they give so much to your brother and don't do anywhere near the same to you. It's cunty. But instead of seeing that and thinking "hmm, they're a bit cunty, I'll withdraw a bit emotionally so I don't feel hurt by their frequent rejection/cunty gestures" you think "I want them to love me as much as db, I'll buy them a big present and desperately hope they show me some warmth and approval".

About the present, just tell your brother no, you've got yours and you're not doing a joint one. But do look at the bigger issue.

HolyShet · 07/03/2018 21:04

Say these words out loud
"I have gone without to save all this money"
"I have planned and budgeted for this for almost a year"

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 21:04

Yep, ok. I was vague with him today but I shall be firm tomorrow and just say I don't see it working out and he needs to sort his own thing. I think I knew this really, but its human nature to want to help where you can I think. Thank you for reassuring me I wasn't just being a slightly bitter cowbag.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 07/03/2018 21:04

Everyone else is a mug, why should you be??
Say no.
Even if he offers half say no it’s something special from daughter to mother.

SnowiestMountain · 07/03/2018 21:08

No chance! Just tell him you've been saving up for ages so the present is just from you and he'll have to find his own.

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 21:08

to be fair my mum does do lots for us both in terms of helping out with childcare etc so it is not a completely one way street at all, just he does manipulate them financially thats all. I'm not trying to buy love or respect with the gift, just trying to reflect a significant birthday with a significant gesture as a thank you for all that she does do for us.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 07/03/2018 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 21:13

FrancisCrawford do I know you??? Golden child is what we call him day to day!

OP posts:
SD1978 · 07/03/2018 21:13

If it’s juts the money, 50% up front or no- no name in cars, or any involvement in the present. If it’s the principal that he’s an entitled twat, who is constantly enabled by your parents, then no amount of money would let him come in on the present (for me) but that’s obviously up to you! Have you ever asked your parents for anything? Is it juts that your parents are generous? If they have always been happy to help him, there’s a small part of me that can understand why he does it- he hasn’t had to be a grown up, your parents have always helped. Good luck with what you decide

FrancisCrawford · 07/03/2018 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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