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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to share a birthday present

114 replies

mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 20:41

ok, lots of back story but in a nutshell my big bro is given every free ride going by both my (separated) parents. To the point that he now even has an interest free mortgage provided by one of our parents despite him being perfectly capable of paying his own but choosing not to; one o those fully fledged adults that flops from crisis to crisis and expects t be bailed out as life constantly surprises him. He has a good job, and a wife and child and should be perfectly capable of having a very stable life well within his means. Instead he will still suddenly call up to say to car insurance is due etc (because obviously this can't be predicted) and he doesn't have X amount to pay it. I have suggested he could direct debit it monthly etc but he says no as that would cost more so gets one of our parents to 'loan' the money but never repays it.

Anyway, long story short our mum has a very significant birthday soon, I have saved up a pretty significant sum of money to order her some jewellery which has been on order since nov to track down specific stones and get made. He asked today what our plan were and if he could get in on it. He has offered to pay less than 10% of the cost but want to go in on it with a card etc. AIBU to feel really bitter and want to find a way to say no (which seems really mean as I know she loves this item of jewellery) but I have gone without to save all this money and if it comes from both of us surely she will assume it is 50/50.
I feel like i am being cruel to my sibling as I can't suggest anything that i know she would like as much as I know she would like this, but I have planned and budgeted for this for almost a year and he now wants in 3 weeks before.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 08/03/2018 09:31

Even worse than your brother expecting your parents to provide for him is your SIL's apparent willingness to do so too

In what way is it worse? Why does she have more responsibility to his parents than he does? It is his car insurance. Many people (lucky so and sos) get financial help from parents to buy a house. Is she the one asking for the money? Yes she has some benefits from the situation but she isn't worse, she might not even realise that the OP hasn't had the same help. It is certainly not her responsibility to sort out the present. Why should yet another woman take on the responsibility for actions of this manchild? He sounds as if he probably tries to get anyone but him to take responsibility so the present will probably end up being left to her.

I agree with everyone else, this present is already from you and your dc, he should sort out his own present.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2018 09:37

shouldwestayorshouldwego I didn't mean the present. I just couldn't imagine MIL paying my mortgage because my partner and I couldn't manage our money whereas if i'd always gone running to my Dad for money I might never really think about it being wrong. Car insurance rtf that is solely his bill is different, I just couldn't imagine having any respect for my DH if he thought it was acceptable for his parents to support us because we didn't want to duo it ourselves

FizzyGreenWater · 08/03/2018 09:50

Just NO.

A great way to get out of it:

'Oh, no, I don't think that would be fair on Mum at all. She does so much for us, she should get way more than one present shared, that seems mean. Also, we've sorted something that's specific from our family so if you and SIL do something that's obvious it's just from you two, then it will be fairer and she'll have special presents from both our families.'

Also, say that now you've seen the financial imbalance - actually yes you would like to be recognised for your executor efforts and have something extra in the will. Why not?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 08/03/2018 09:51

But lots of families do work like that and so it is not more unreasonable for her to think that his family do, who knows maybe her parents give all their children lots of money up front so it doesn't go on care home fees. It is not more her responsibility than the brothers. I haven't had support like that from my parents but I can see why some families do pass it down the generations early rather than wait for inheritance.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2018 09:55

shouldwestayorshouldwego perhaps is just my working class perceptions then, I don't know anyone whose parents party for their mortgage ascend hand over cash whenever they ask for it so I'm imagining my horror if my DH said this is how we get top live in our nice house and stipend all our wages on fun stuff

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2018 09:56

shouldwestayorshouldwego perhaps is just my working class perceptions then, I don't know anyone whose parents ""pay"" for their mortgage ""and"" hand over cash whenever they ask for it so I'm imagining my horror if my DH said this is how we get ""to"" live in our nice house and ""spend"" all our wages on fun stuff

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 08/03/2018 10:07

I hadn't really thought about it in terms of I would actually be doing our mum out of another present if I went along with this. That has absolutely made me determined to say no to this. Thank you all for your input. It honestly has been really helpful to read it all.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/03/2018 10:08

If he does get a bit shitty then try something lofty and light, "my dear bro! I can't be holding your hand for this, I've far too much else to worry about!" And go right back to your planned change of subject.

CF, he is. What's he going to do when neither of your parents are there to give him hand-outs any more?

coconutpie · 08/03/2018 10:16

Glad to hear you're going to tell him no. When are you going to tell him?

Thursdaydreaming · 08/03/2018 10:16

I had something a bit similar OP. My sister always used to ask to give a joint Christmas gift with me to mum. She either contributed no money or a very token amount, but as she earned less than me I said that was fine. However then on Xmas day, she'd show up with more presents for mum that were just from her! I guess she could afford them since she paid nothing for the "joint" gift.

Some people are very cheeky.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/03/2018 11:02

Joining the chorus, @mamasadirtyfemanist, to say you are not being at all mean, and he is a grown adult who can jolly well think of, and purchase, his own gift for his mum! Mind you, I bet he gets his wife to think of a gift, and buy it.

Piffle11 · 08/03/2018 11:09

YANBU: your idea, your money, YOUR gift. I'd tell him to buy his own gift and I wouldn't let him anywhere near yours. My BIL is a bit like this - crap with money, MIL bails him out, gets stroppy if she doesn't jump to it. At family parties/celebrations he never buys a gift, but I've noticed he will offer to 'carry' the gift and then hands it over without actually saying who it's from ... so people presume it's from him. At my 40th party I was sure MIL hadn't got me anything, because BIL gave me a present that I presumed was from him. It wasn't, it was from MIL - he hadn't even got me a card. Stick to your guns and don't be blackmailed into anything. And don't agree to him paying you later as you know you'll never see the money.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/03/2018 11:12

I agree that you absolutely should say no. If you don't, then you are enabling him, the same as everyone else does.

If you did share, make sure you get his 50% up front. If you wait until after the birthday, you will never see that money.

SEsofty · 08/03/2018 12:25

Have you told him yet? It really needs to be an unequivocal no

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