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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to share a birthday present

114 replies

mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 20:41

ok, lots of back story but in a nutshell my big bro is given every free ride going by both my (separated) parents. To the point that he now even has an interest free mortgage provided by one of our parents despite him being perfectly capable of paying his own but choosing not to; one o those fully fledged adults that flops from crisis to crisis and expects t be bailed out as life constantly surprises him. He has a good job, and a wife and child and should be perfectly capable of having a very stable life well within his means. Instead he will still suddenly call up to say to car insurance is due etc (because obviously this can't be predicted) and he doesn't have X amount to pay it. I have suggested he could direct debit it monthly etc but he says no as that would cost more so gets one of our parents to 'loan' the money but never repays it.

Anyway, long story short our mum has a very significant birthday soon, I have saved up a pretty significant sum of money to order her some jewellery which has been on order since nov to track down specific stones and get made. He asked today what our plan were and if he could get in on it. He has offered to pay less than 10% of the cost but want to go in on it with a card etc. AIBU to feel really bitter and want to find a way to say no (which seems really mean as I know she loves this item of jewellery) but I have gone without to save all this money and if it comes from both of us surely she will assume it is 50/50.
I feel like i am being cruel to my sibling as I can't suggest anything that i know she would like as much as I know she would like this, but I have planned and budgeted for this for almost a year and he now wants in 3 weeks before.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 07/03/2018 21:52

My mum asked me and my sister for a specific (expensive) present for Christmas.
I have a LOT less money than my sister so I paid about 20% and she paid 80%. She put both our names on the present and the card but I told my mum to her face in front of my sister that she had paid a lot more than me, and it was really from her as I just didn’t think it was fair

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 07/03/2018 21:55

I'd be yelling him to get to fuck. Not just from a financial perspective but for the amount of thought and hard work you've put into sourcing it all. What a wanker.

DartmoorDoughnut · 07/03/2018 21:56

No!! Don’t let him in on it, you’ve put so much effort in to the present why let him in on it?!

footphobic · 07/03/2018 21:57

Honestly, I think the prevailing factor here is the thought and effort you have put in to this gift in order to get your mum something meaningful and personal. That makes it more special to you and makes it a very personal gift. In itself that wouldn’t necessarily stop me from sharing with a sibling in different circumstances, but I wouldn’t share the idea and gift with db in your specific situation. Aside from all the other valid reasons why you should say no, the care and thought behind it is the important reason for me that you should just give it only from you.

I would just tell him that you have organised something quite personal from you this year and therefore can’t do a shared gift. Don’t get into it any more than that.

shinysinkredemption · 07/03/2018 21:59

I have a DB who has similarly been given bailouts left right and centre while I have stood on my own two feet since I left home at 18. Family backstory very similar to yours. It's irritating.
No way in the world would I let him in on your present, or feel beholden to come up with suggestions. Years ago I worked out that the best way to deal with it for my own peace of mind was to let them all get on with whatever they want to do. Your DB is being a very CF with his suggestion, you need to be really sweet and really determined that the answer is NO. If he gets a bit shitty with you that's his lookout, and just an expression of his frustration that no-one is holding his hand as per usual. Help him grow up and let him manage this one on his own.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/03/2018 22:13

Of course you're not being "cruel", he really has you all dancing round him, doesn't he? Let him sod off.

DownTownAbbey · 07/03/2018 22:14

Why would you feel mean saying no? He knows exactly what he's doing- he wants to take credit for a thoughtful, expensive present so he looks good to the people who pay his car insurance. He doesn't mind conning you out of money (i.e. The 40% he isn't prepared to cough up for).

You have every right to be angry at him for taking the piss.

TammyWhyNot · 07/03/2018 22:14

You have put a lot into this gift. It is between you and your Mum. You know she will get long lasting pleasure from it and this will be strengthened and affirmed every time she wears it,

You really don’t want to feel a twang if bad feeling every time she says “my son and daughter gave me this”.

Be firm. “I’m sorted for a present, it’s special from DH and I because of what she does for our family, so better if you and SIL choose something special from you two”
And change the subject, fast. Have the subject change planned and rehearsed in your mind.
If he returns to the question, laugh it off and say ‘hah hah are you telling me you haven’t thought if anything? Time to go shopping, brother dearest!” And change subject again,

Personally I would not suggest a pouch or jewellery box; he will then want to give her the jewellery in it, again like a joint present.

Suggest he gets comfy garden furniture, a good kindle, cashmere sweater, a painting, fabulous handbag, weekend away...

pallisers · 07/03/2018 22:18

Just say no. Give her your present. Let him give his. you will resent it forever if you let him coattail on your thoughtful gift. And I guarantee you you'll be carefully watching your mum's reaction to see if she thanks him more than you. your resentment will be epic.

If it ever comes up with your mum say "I knew you'd treasure something just from him so encouraged him to find his own present"

he has quite the racket going on doesn't he?

UpstartCrow · 07/03/2018 22:18

mamasadirtyfemanist Do you know about the Golden Child/Scapegoat family dynamic? One child can do no wrong, that sounds like your brother.

If you buy your Mum an expensive gift just from yourself, how will she react?

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2018 22:18

Make like Zammo. Just say no

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 22:21

TammyWhyNot yes perhaps that is better. I am certainly steeled to say a big hard no now to sharing the gift I think (though I have had a couple of glasses of sauvignon!) but I think perhaps you are right that maybe something totally unconnected is best as it also cannot possibly be my responsibility.
I did like the idea of there being a connection between the gifts, but we are separate people with separate families so it is totally fine that they are separate gifts devised by ourselves.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 07/03/2018 22:24

This

I think you should call him on it and say 'This is something I thought carefully about and saved for, to show my appreciation for all that mum has done for me. Given how generous and supportive she has been to you, I would think you would want to make the effort yourself'

It also isn't fair to your mother to let him share your gift.

If he also gets a gift then your DM will get two presents.

timeisnotaline · 07/03/2018 22:25

ABsolutely not. I wouldn’t let him pay 50% either because he still wouldn’t have to think at all. And don’t make any suggestions at all to help him choose something.

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 22:29

UpstartCrow having just had a quick google of that, it seems far more extreme than anything I have experienced. Yes there are certainly blinkers and excuses for him, but I am in no way actively disadvantaged.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 22:30

thanks MadeForThis I would love to think I would say that. I imagine that what I do say will be far woolier, but I will certainly keep that in mind as a goal.

OP posts:
Ariela · 07/03/2018 22:37

As you wanted a connection, perhaps you could suggest he buys a jewellery box to keep it in? Am sure you could steer him in the direction of something tasteful from eg Argos

I'm with everyone else, this is you being thoughtful and have saved carefully to buy something you know your mother will appreciate.

Imsorrynow · 07/03/2018 22:46

Not sure if this has been suggested before (sorry). Is there any way you could get your gift engraved ‘love from mammas) That way you’d be able to say - sorry, too late DBro.

NoqontroI · 07/03/2018 22:50

You don't need to suggest anything. Tell him he knows his mum as well as you know her and no doubt with that knowledge he can think of a gift himself.

Withhindsight · 07/03/2018 22:56

OP tell him your present is from your family and that DB and wife need to agree and buy their OWN present for her from his family. Point him to your SIL to brainstorm and go shopping, so DM had 2 presents from her 2 children, their partners and grandkids

NameChangeOnTheRegular · 07/03/2018 23:09

Absolutely say no - 10% indeed!

Be very clear, but perhaps phrase it as being such a big birthday you don't want her to only get one gift, so you will give your present from your family, and his family can give whatever they choose. She will feel more spoilt etc.

LeighaJ · 07/03/2018 23:22

It's not mean to say no, it's assertive and I think No is something he should hear more often based on what you've described.

You put a lot of thought, time, effort, and money into this thoughtful gift and now he just wants to glom onto it. Even if he offered 50% and paid upfront I still think as an adult who had no input into the gift that he should find a gift of his own for her.

ChasedByBees · 07/03/2018 23:25

Glad you’re not going to share the present. You would be a mug to do that! Also, as others have said, your Mum deserves lots of presents so your brother can put some thought in and get something nice from him. It sounds like he has a lot to say thank you for.

SecondaryConfusion · 07/03/2018 23:37

Do not suggest anything related to your gift!

Then it will look like HE has put thought into it and actively worked with you to buy something nice for your DM.

Let him stand on his own two feet and work out what to buy by himself.

mojito55 · 07/03/2018 23:56

I'd say "ok, it cost xxx amount so if you want to share then you can pay half". Absolutely no way should he get away with paying 10%, CF!