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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to share a birthday present

114 replies

mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 20:41

ok, lots of back story but in a nutshell my big bro is given every free ride going by both my (separated) parents. To the point that he now even has an interest free mortgage provided by one of our parents despite him being perfectly capable of paying his own but choosing not to; one o those fully fledged adults that flops from crisis to crisis and expects t be bailed out as life constantly surprises him. He has a good job, and a wife and child and should be perfectly capable of having a very stable life well within his means. Instead he will still suddenly call up to say to car insurance is due etc (because obviously this can't be predicted) and he doesn't have X amount to pay it. I have suggested he could direct debit it monthly etc but he says no as that would cost more so gets one of our parents to 'loan' the money but never repays it.

Anyway, long story short our mum has a very significant birthday soon, I have saved up a pretty significant sum of money to order her some jewellery which has been on order since nov to track down specific stones and get made. He asked today what our plan were and if he could get in on it. He has offered to pay less than 10% of the cost but want to go in on it with a card etc. AIBU to feel really bitter and want to find a way to say no (which seems really mean as I know she loves this item of jewellery) but I have gone without to save all this money and if it comes from both of us surely she will assume it is 50/50.
I feel like i am being cruel to my sibling as I can't suggest anything that i know she would like as much as I know she would like this, but I have planned and budgeted for this for almost a year and he now wants in 3 weeks before.

OP posts:
TammyWhyNot · 08/03/2018 04:29

You planned this as a generous and loving gift for your Mum, prepared to spend the full amount it cost.

If he buys his way in, even at full 50% share, then your Mum is done out of a present. She gets only the one present from both, instead of your present and an additional present.

Actually your brother’s suggestion is so selfish and thoughtless. You have no need to have any truck with his request at all,

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/03/2018 04:38

that doesn't seem too much like throwing crumbs as I don't want it to seem insulting to him.

This really jumped out at me. 'Not wanting to seem insulting' is how he gets away with this shit time, and time again.

Is he worrying about insulting you? He should be, because his request to go in 10% of the cost - while letting you do all the planning, organising and saving - is seriously insulting.

Stop treading on eggshells around someone, who it wouldn't even occur to, to return the same courtesy.

So what if he's insulted? What's he going to do? Cry? Complain? To who?

He's going to do exactly nothing. Just like he always does.

What a giant baby.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/03/2018 04:39

In fact, I actually can't get over quite how insulting he is being to you over this, and you're worried about his feelings....? Confused

Cavender · 08/03/2018 05:05

The fact that you feel guilty about this in any way shows the extent to which the whole family are invested in this “he is incapable” narrative.

He is an adult with a partner and a child.

He is in no way incapable. He’s just lazy.

He’s a grown man, I’m sure he can think of something.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 08/03/2018 06:37

Don’t let him have any part in it.

You buy her a £1000 diamond ring.

He gets the gift bag, card and a £5 primary ring box. From both of us!

My son and daughter bought me this diamond.

CF

timeisnotaline · 08/03/2018 07:40

DONT suggest anyrhign that makes a connection. Again that is just associating him with your thoughtfulness and months of planning. Let him do his own.

Hortonlovesahoo · 08/03/2018 07:48

Id leave him to it. He sounds like an entitled CF. Your present sounds absolutely lovely and I’m sure your mum will appreciate it

livingdownsouth · 08/03/2018 07:52

Stop enabling him. Learn to think of yourself. Your whole post seems to shout 'please tell me I should do this for him'. You have been so thoughtful towards your mother and taken such care in what you should get her. He has done nothing. Your mum is very lucky to have you as a daughter.

shinysinkredemption · 08/03/2018 08:08

I imagine the main reason you want to help DB out is because you know it would make your Mum happy. So on reflection maybe you could help him choose a gift, but totally unrelated to yours, and with no financial input!!
I am only saying this because your DB is clearly unused to being snubbed and I'm sure you don't want to create any atmosphere at such a special time for your DM. In an ideal world you'd tell him to do one in no uncertain terms but I know when I've fallen out with my DB because of taking a stand other people aren't prepared to take, it's really upset my DM, and if your DB is like mine he'll find a way to let your DM know what's happened.

nellieellie · 08/03/2018 08:11

Agree, say to him, yes you can come in on it. It costs x so you need to give me half x. Can’t see how he can complain about that. Any moaning, just say, look, I saved for ages for this and put a lot of thought in.

NoNameMentioned · 08/03/2018 08:14

Sounds a bit like my younger brother. Not to the extent of interest free mortgage, but suspect this could happen if the finances were available.

Just say no. My Dsis and I have taken this stance as we know that continuing to enable him does him no favours and we have no intention of taking over when our parents are no longer around.

Good Luck, it's not easy taking a stand but you can do it.

BellyBean · 08/03/2018 08:17

Yes! Get it engraved!

LouHotel · 08/03/2018 08:25

Oh please get it engraved from your and your kids.

Just wanted to give you a little boost OP, you seem a really kind person and today you are going to stand up to your brother and say...NO

Do not apologise to him as youve done nothinf wrong.

LagunaBubbles · 08/03/2018 08:29

I dont understand why you feel mean? Hes a grown adult more than capable of sorting out - and paying for - his own present to your Mum. He just doesnt want to!

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 08/03/2018 08:35

To the people saying ‘go halves’; he will say yes! I’ll pay! Then the day of the birthday comes and he has done fuck all then op will feel bad for her mum that db has done nothing and will say ‘ok, you can say it’s from both of us’.

Think of another present- unrelated, costing the amount he said he would give. Do this only because mum will be upset not to get anything and the cf is too selfish to bother.

hibbledibble · 08/03/2018 08:38

Don't go halves, as it is clear he won't pay, even if he says he will. You have also clearly put a fair bit of thought and time into this gift, and he just wants to piggy back onto that. Just say no, you are doing your own gift.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 08/03/2018 08:39

Not only is he taking advantage of you he's doing your mum out of a second gift. He sounds like a real CF.

Tell him he can come in on it if he pays half but explain that if he's suggesting less than that he'll have to come up with something on his own. I don't think it matters if you can't think of something she would like as much - it's his job to choose something and he only has himself to blame that he has left it so late!

Sparkletastic · 08/03/2018 08:50

Absolutely agree with posters saying your mum deserves 2 thoughtful gifts not 1. See this as your way of helping your brother to be a better person!

Idontdowindows · 08/03/2018 08:55

My sibling is poor as dirt and I always buy a present from both of us. His situation is not of his own making and he loves our parents as much as I do.

Your brother is a chancer and everyone is letting him get away with it.

Stand firm. This is your present, not his!

Onedaynamechange · 08/03/2018 09:00

I would probably give him the opportunity to pay half, but be clear that unless he pays that half up front you'll be cancelling the agreement and he can sort his own present out. Even then I think I'd be a bit miffed that I had put all the thought and effort in while he gets to bask in the glory of a lovely gift!

FreeNiki · 08/03/2018 09:06

but it does feel mean, and I feel like gifts shouldn't be a competition.

Why does it?

This is exactly why your brother does what he does

You all enable him.

Either carry on or say no.

Your choice

I would have no problem saying no

FreeNiki · 08/03/2018 09:06

Why did you even tell him what you were buying?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2018 09:14

This is what you have planned for you mom, I'm sure what she would appreciate from your brother is something he has thought through. Tell him no, if you really can't then insist he pays 50% up front.

Even worse than your brother expecting your parents to provide for him is your SIL's apparent willingness to do so too

Wannabecitygirl · 08/03/2018 09:16

No no no. If you do that then you are just another person who isn’t treating him like an adult.

NewImprovedNinja · 08/03/2018 09:28

Think about setting a precedent for the future!
You really need to stop enabling his behaviour because it's you he will turn to for handouts when your parents are dead and you will need the money for your own children and retirement plans.
My parents are both dead and our younger brother still asks for financial help from my older brother which he previously got from our mum.

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