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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to share a birthday present

114 replies

mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 20:41

ok, lots of back story but in a nutshell my big bro is given every free ride going by both my (separated) parents. To the point that he now even has an interest free mortgage provided by one of our parents despite him being perfectly capable of paying his own but choosing not to; one o those fully fledged adults that flops from crisis to crisis and expects t be bailed out as life constantly surprises him. He has a good job, and a wife and child and should be perfectly capable of having a very stable life well within his means. Instead he will still suddenly call up to say to car insurance is due etc (because obviously this can't be predicted) and he doesn't have X amount to pay it. I have suggested he could direct debit it monthly etc but he says no as that would cost more so gets one of our parents to 'loan' the money but never repays it.

Anyway, long story short our mum has a very significant birthday soon, I have saved up a pretty significant sum of money to order her some jewellery which has been on order since nov to track down specific stones and get made. He asked today what our plan were and if he could get in on it. He has offered to pay less than 10% of the cost but want to go in on it with a card etc. AIBU to feel really bitter and want to find a way to say no (which seems really mean as I know she loves this item of jewellery) but I have gone without to save all this money and if it comes from both of us surely she will assume it is 50/50.
I feel like i am being cruel to my sibling as I can't suggest anything that i know she would like as much as I know she would like this, but I have planned and budgeted for this for almost a year and he now wants in 3 weeks before.

OP posts:
LilaBlue · 07/03/2018 21:13

"Sorry but it's something the kids and I want to give. You'll have to go solo on this one"

Done.

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/03/2018 21:16

You feel 'mean' because you've taken in the message that the family's duty is to look after your DB. You logically know that he is an adult and could sort stuff yourself, but the part of you that's been conditioned to put him first feels bad not to do that.

Don't put him first.

"Sorry DB, I want to make my gift just from me. I'm sure you'll think of something."

  • note, it is also not your job to think of a good gift for him to give her. "Sorry DB, I'm drawing a blank for ideas. Im sure you'll think of something."

He's your brother, not your child, you don't have to sort anything for him.

FrancisCrawford · 07/03/2018 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemini69 · 07/03/2018 21:17

instead of laying down 'again' and letting your Darling Brother piss all over your wonderful and thoughtful gift for your Darling Mother..... and taking all the Credit...

grow a pair and say NO.... no explanation no reasons no pissing about... NO... and you'll not regret it... Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 07/03/2018 21:19

Don’t give him ideas, all you’re doing is enabling his behaviour. Tell him he needs to sort something out himself.

FluffyWuffy100 · 07/03/2018 21:19

“Sorry bro, I’m doing my own thing. Hope you get something sorted”

greenlynx · 07/03/2018 21:20

I wouldn't let him join, not only because of money. it's a special birthday so much nicer for your mum to get separate presents from both of you. It will look more thoughtful and will show her that each of you put an effort. Your mum deserves lots of presents! Your brother needs to think of something by himself.

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/03/2018 21:21

BTW - my brother used to pull shit like this. He was genuinely upset the year when he tried his usual "if I write you a cheque for half the money, can I just go on the gift cards for everyone for christmas?" and I pointed out they already would be saying "From CoffeeOrSleep & [DP]", so adding him made him look a bit like our child. Grin

He managed to buy a gift for everyone without someone doing the work (including the thinking) for him.

"Can't" and "won't" are two different things.

mantlepiece · 07/03/2018 21:23

You are not being cruel to your sibling, if there is anything negative going on here it is on his part, but I think you know that.
The reason you feel bad is because you don't feel it is right to copy your parents behaviour towards your brother in baling him out on every monetary issue.

Your feeling is right, so don't feel cruel. You can love your brother and be supportive to him in ways you feel comfortable with. He is an adult and is perfectly capable of buying his mother a birthday gift. He is being lazy and entitled by asking you to do this.

Do not even think you are responsible for giving him ideas for a gift of his own, you are definitely not.

He is actually taking the shine off your loving gift that you have spent so much time and effort planning, making you feel guilty like this. I feel very angry on your behalf. Please try to say no to him on any level to do with a birthday gift for you mother, no help or suggestions. Enjoy giving your mother her birthday present from YOU.

fusushumi · 07/03/2018 21:28

I think you should say to him that you have put a lot of thought & effort into having something made, which makes it a very special gift from you to her. So he must find his own gift. And say it firmly.

Plumsofwrath · 07/03/2018 21:28

Actually, I think I would probably let him go in to the 10% but then let my mum know at some point that this was the split and that you did all the legwork. I suspect she will probably know that (or thereabouts) already. She really wants the gift, so why not.

I definitely wouldn’t let him get away with putting in 10% and claiming full credit.

The only thing stopping me would be wondering whether your DM would end up paying off his credit card bill...

Springtrolls · 07/03/2018 21:35

He puts nothing in and sorts his own present.
If people continue to bail him out he will constantly take the piss. Get firm and tell him no.
Why should he benefit from your planning and saving? He shouldn't.

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 21:35

yes SD1978 they are generous and a lot of it is sort of laughed off with an eye roll and "oh isn't he hopeless" sort of comment. It didn't really used to bother me as I was sort of proud that had always managed to stand on my own two feet (not entirely as we did both have inheritances from grand parents which furnished our first home for example) but I have always been quite practical and lived within my means.
I think a lot of it it is that I have recently been asked to be the executor of her will and so have seen various bits of paperwork which make it suddenly starkly clear quite how much they have bailed him out; he is very charming and was very poorly as a baby and they seem to still treat him as this fragile little thing. I just suddenly feel like a bit of a mug I guess. I wouldn't mind at all if he genuinely needed it (I don't think) but I just feel like maybe I should just go blow all my own savings on holidays and cars and tech gadgets and then ask someone else to pay my mortgage/ bills etc. It sounds like great fun!

I feel like a muppet as my stepdad suggested perhaps I should be paid in advance for being an executor, or given something additional in the will, and I said no that that would be weird and possibly likely to cause bitterness etc so it would be much better if it were all just the same. Now I have seen some of the financials I feel like a bit of a fool.
It doesn't change all that my mum has done for us though so I would still like to celebrate that and her birthday in the best way possible.
It is also not that we need anything. We are fine, and have a nice, not extravagant but very comfortable life so it isn't as though anyone is missing out as a result.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 07/03/2018 21:38

Don't let him pay 10% atall... Hmm your Mother will only see the gift and will tell people it's from HIM..

what she won't say... is DS paid 10% and DD paid 90%.... Hmm

it's irrelevant to her... her wonderful Son put all this effort into this spectacular gift for her.. is all she will see Flowers

Deshasafraisy · 07/03/2018 21:38

I would also tell him no.
Say sorry but I’ve made plans and it’s too late to alter them.
Tell him he is a big enough boy now to buy his mum a present all by himself.
Seems like he needs to grow up.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 07/03/2018 21:40

No he is a cf.

KC225 · 07/03/2018 21:43

He had treated you the way he treats his car insurance and other bills. He has left it till the last minute knowing you will behave like your parents- you will step in and rescue him.

You say he has a good job, he has a family his floated by your parents - yet he cannot show his gratitude by planning sonegtibg of his own for his Mother. He is a man child. He ranf you up to say 'What are we going to do?'. Translated how are you going to make my life easier and cheaper.

You are right, gifts are not a competition. But you have planned a thoughtful and special gift to show love and gratitude. Your brother needs to grow up and plan his own gift. Please don't cave or give in to him. 'The gift I am planning is very personal and I plan to give it to her myself. I am aurenid you out your mind to it, you'll come up with something and mum being mum will love it anyway.'

emmyrose2000 · 07/03/2018 21:43

If you agree to this, you'd be just as guilty as your parents of continually giving him a free ride.

Absolutely say 'no'.

Sweetpea55 · 07/03/2018 21:46

My older Dis is like this with regard to gifts
A bit of a CF really. Would ring up and ask. 'What are We doing about present for x.,y,z'
After years of including her but never getting her share of the money I now say its already bought/sent.
Tried the same trick with funeral flowers too

Original poster
mamasadirtyfemanist · 07/03/2018 21:47

Indeed. Unanimous which is very reassuring. Thank you all for not treating me like a complete tool for considering this. Families are strange things!

OP posts:
Lonesurvivor · 07/03/2018 21:47

Just say no, that you think your mum deserves separate thoughtful gifts and it wouldn't be fair on her with how good she is to both of you not to make an extra special effort.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/03/2018 21:47

No is the short answer. Tell him to sort his own gift out. My brother used to do this, but he was a lot younger than yours! My brother is also Golden Child.

You’re not doing him any favours enabling him either.

It sounds like your step Dad has the measure of him, maybe try talking to him at some stage about how you’re feeling otherwise resentment is really going to build up. It’s their money to do as they please, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be hurt by their choices or pissed off that he manipulates everyone. He needs to grow the fuck up because otherwise he’s going to take a very hard fall when he no longer has them to bail him out...then he'll be looking to you!

MissEliza · 07/03/2018 21:47

Screw that. I've shared presents with my db in the past. He never coughs up but gets most of the credit. I've learned.

DingDongDenny · 07/03/2018 21:49

I think you should call him on it and say 'This is something I thought carefully about and saved for, to show my appreciation for all that mum has done for me. Given how generous and supportive she has been to you, I would think you would want to make the effort yourself'

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 07/03/2018 21:51

If you decide to let DB in on the present for 50% of the cost (which I don't think you should unless you want to recoup some of that money for yourself) then make sure you get his share well in advance.
Also make sure he doesn't ask your mum for money for it, he's the shameless type!

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