AIBU to be annoyed that DH never puts family first?

[Millipede170]

DH and I have a lovely nearly-2yo son. I went back to work full time after a year’s maternity and have taken a fairly significant career hit to make sure my work life can facilitate childminder runs etc. I don’t mind this and am fortunate that I have been able to broker such an arrangement; the baby/early years are short and actually if I could balance things more in flavour of mothering than work, then I would. But I digress slightly.

DH works shifts for a company that is contracted to the emergency services. His shift patterns are a bit of a pig, days, nights, weekend work and that’s fine, it was all part and parcel of this job that he wanted so much to take in the first place. But what irritates me is that he is absolutely rigid on never requesting any flexibility from his work for the family. There is a mechanism for requesting shift changes, they are entitled to sick/parental leave should the children fall ill, but he has told me point blank that he will never do it. Son is sick? I have to take time off work. Family emergency on my side? Arranging childcare is my responsibility. I’m really only talking about in extremis situations, but the message is clear: Not his problem.

AIBU to be a bit cross about this?

Did you discuss how the TWO of you were going to manage looking after your child/children before you started having any?

This is why i wont be going back to work. DH has told me that he will not do any drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc ever. He has told me i can never rely on him and to always plan everything as if he is not available, then if he is, good, but if he needs to cancel last minute then he still can.

You Are absolutely right to expect him to take responsibility as a parent. It is very simple. The child is his and he needs to grow a pair at work and contribute more at home when there is a problem.

Your career and also your energy levels are suffering so he can do less.

You are a straight up fool. My DH and I are both in stressful high responsibility jobs and we share these responsibilities. So do a lot of other men where we both work.

OP did you know he would be like this before you had children? If so, why did you choose to have children with someone who actively opts out of family life and gets to live his life like nothing has changed?
@mrskoala and you still chose to have children with him? If my DH had said that to me not only would I have not had children with him but I'd have left and not looked back.

Nothing more unattractive than a dad who refuses to take responsibility for his kids.

I feel like I need to give my DH a bit more credit for the fact he got up at 5.30 with our toddler to watch peppa pig so I got get some extra sleep as I've got a long day. He also has a full day at work.

He doesn't refuse to take responsibility but his job is such that he could not be guaranteed to do these things. I hated work anyway so it suits me fine. But you can't make people do what they wont do. If he really wont do it OP, what are your options? Can you afford to pay someone to help you?

I've never discussed these issues before kids were born! He sounds like an arse

What’s the point in coming on a thread and asking the op why she had kids??? What a stupid contribution.

Op he’s being unreasonable. Do you mix with his work colleagues? I would ask them if they change shifts etc and embaress him and I would put my foot down firmly in the next emergency and insist he steps up.

MrsK me too dh works away and couldn’t do School runs etc although he would if he could have earns far far more than I could so I gave up my career too. Was glad to

@mrskoala there's a difference between his job meaning at times it being difficult to do these things and saying he will never do drop offs, sick days etc which is what you said.
What if he is available? Does he pull his weight or is childcare (and I'm guessing housework) all your responsibility?

Each to their own but it's a world away from the life I would be willing to lead. I walked away from a marriage because I could see this is how my life would turn out and that's not the life I choose to lead.

Both my DH and I have full time stressful jobs but we both contribute equally because not only is it the right thing to do but we want to teach our son that mummy and daddy can step into the caring role.

@mrskoala but he does refuse to take responsibility as you’ve said and I quote ‘he has told me I can never rely on him’

I feel really sorry for both of you ending up with men like this. Op I’m not sure what you can do now apart from drastic measures such as leave him and therefore be able to raise your child with appropriate role models for their own lives.

Me and my husband both worn high pressure jobs but his is more senior than mine (think top level business) yet he still does his exact fair share of parenting. It’s not because they have a job where they can’t - it’s just they can’t be arsed with the both of you

Theresa I think it is perfectly valid to ask, as I did, whether this subject had been discussed before having children, because I think not doing so is really stupid. If they did discuss this and he made it clear this would be the situation, and the OP accepted it, bit hard to complain now. If they did discuss it and he's gone back on what he's said, then he's even more of a tosser, she has absolute grounds to be pissed off and to insist on an adult discussion that things need to change - and potentially work out what she wants to do if he won't.

Is he worried that he would be viewed badly by his company and colleagues for requesting this?

I know that i often plead with DH to leave work a bit earlier and he says that even leaving at 6.30 he is the first person out the door and getting in at 8.30am he is the last in. None have dc so they don't care. They just see someone not there as much as them - even tho he works at home too.

shatners

But she is where she is and even if you discuss these issues pre kids people and circumstances change with the reality.

He sounds very strange op so he could change shifts but refuses too! He sounds selfish

@tinyprancer exactly this!

Too many men behave like this but the saddest thing is the amount of women willing to accept it.
What are they teaching the kids about gender roles ...it makes me angry and sad in equal measures

but he does refuse to take responsibility

Not really. Eg he works from home weds and does all drop offs/pick ups but probably 1/4 times he gets called in on an emergency. That is the nature of his job. I couldn't rely on him to do it every week.

YANBU he can’t just not take any responsibility. Myself and DH both have careers and both take time off equally when needed. You need to nip this idea in the bud that he can abdicate fathering during work hours as you have many years of parenting (and childhood diseases) left

the saddest thing is the amount of women willing to accept it.

This is why it matters whether they discussed how it would all work in advance of, well, conception, so we know whether he has changed his mind now that it has become about real children, or that he was clear about his attitude from the start, so she could make an informed choice.

YADNBU and he needs to step up.

Men opting out of all responsibility for childcare is becoming rarer and it's important that your career and your wellbeing don't take all the hit.

I'd be having some serious words.

You need to talk to him about this now before the pattern is established for your family for evermore!

Have you asked him why he won't do this? Is he worried about his career prospects? Will he feel very guilty about colleagues? I don't think either of those would be reasonable excuses, but knowing his reasons would help you put your case.

If he just can't be arsed, I would be very pissed off indeed.

OP I feel so sorry for you. I rearranged my job around DS for years and rarely asked DH to do anything, but a few months ago I took a promotion meaning we needed a bit more support for DS who was 11.I struggled to get it all sorted resulting in me bursting into tears and threatening to give up my promotion the night before I started because some childcare from another mum had fallen through.

After a very frank conversation DH rose to the challenge and now works one day a week from home and one early so DS isn't on his own after school for too long. He's also learned to cook - kind of ! - and has a much better understanding of the work involved in running the house, and has started doing Tesco online shops. His bond with DS is a lot stronger as a result of this. I wish we'd done a bit more of an even split years earlier.

I guess the points I'm trying to make are a) childrearing is a long haul thing so don't think if you make all the sacrifices now you'll be able to pick uo in a couple of years and b) its actually better for both parents if they can each take some responsibility for their DCs and c) I fancy my DH a lot more now its not just me with the mental load !

Thank you for the constructive comments ... DH is not a family-avoider in every sense, he does plenty around the house when he has time off work, and when his off-days fall during my working week, he often spends a day with DS rather than taking him to the childminder. The two of them adore each other which is lovely. We have got to this stage through a fair amount of grown-up negotiation; before we had DS, DH said he really wanted to be an 'involved' parent, this kind of dried up when the baby arrived, but I have insisted that he contribute more and actually he embraces the time they share together now.

To suggest that I break up our family because he is being inflexible about his work is ludicrous and probably the most selfish thing I could do as a mother, in the circumstances. This is something we need to work through as responsible parents. We are just completely opposed on this one, and I happen to know a number of women who are facing a similar challenge in terms of division of responsibility. I thought I would test the water with you good people to confirm that I am not, in fact, going bonkers, and that my standpoint is reasonable!

It is reasonable OP. But do you have a plan if he says outright no? Can you suggest he source help to cover his half if he wont/can't do it himself?

It would also be useful to hear from anybody who has been in a similar situation and has managed to establish a more equal footing work-wise. rookiemere your comments are particularly welcome, thank you.

He is unreasonable not to take up the flexibility that is avaliable to him.

When I was teaching, it was inflexible but predictable. DH is more varied. If he's office based then it's the output that matters so he was better placed to work from home while minding a sick child or pick up early. If he was off site or away, then our arrangements had to be viable for me to do solo. I had spells of working p/t where I would obviously do my days off to care for sick children, but that put my days in work as a prioity. When I was F/T we would alternate.

To abdicate all responsibility is simply unfair and a poor rolemodel to the DCs.

MrsKoala

This is why i wont be going back to work. DH has told me that he will not do any drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc ever. He has told me i can never rely on him and to always plan everything as if he is not available, then if he is, good, but if he needs to cancel last minute then he still can.

That's disgraceful, I'd be telling him he could pack his fucking bags.