AIBU to be annoyed that DH never puts family first?

[Millipede170]

DH and I have a lovely nearly-2yo son. I went back to work full time after a year’s maternity and have taken a fairly significant career hit to make sure my work life can facilitate childminder runs etc. I don’t mind this and am fortunate that I have been able to broker such an arrangement; the baby/early years are short and actually if I could balance things more in flavour of mothering than work, then I would. But I digress slightly.

DH works shifts for a company that is contracted to the emergency services. His shift patterns are a bit of a pig, days, nights, weekend work and that’s fine, it was all part and parcel of this job that he wanted so much to take in the first place. But what irritates me is that he is absolutely rigid on never requesting any flexibility from his work for the family. There is a mechanism for requesting shift changes, they are entitled to sick/parental leave should the children fall ill, but he has told me point blank that he will never do it. Son is sick? I have to take time off work. Family emergency on my side? Arranging childcare is my responsibility. I’m really only talking about in extremis situations, but the message is clear: Not his problem.

AIBU to be a bit cross about this?

The idea of of the possibility of being an involved versus a non-involved parent makes me shudder. Who do these men (and it is usually men) think they are?

I didn’t suggest you broke up. I said I didn’t know what more you could do - if as you say he’s completely opposed to being an equal parent and you’re fundamentally not happy with this then what are the options for the long term future?

YANBU - we have a similar situation unfortunately. When planning his annual leave requests, he actually came out with the classic "oh I can't ask for that week off-people with kids will ask for that"
WE'VE GOT KIDS OURSELVES!
I took a massive sideways move career wise, his is a long, arduous and competitive one and we've fallen into the roles of him being unreliable with finish times etc and me always picking up the slack. When he is here, he's a great father and does his share housewise but never has to experience the base of gut terror when your childcare falls through.

The key is communication unfortunately. I asked DH to tell his peers about several of the situations and get their take, he was astounded when they agreed with me that he was unreasonable

It's a good point MrsK - what if he just flatly refuses. I guess part of the problem is that I can step up to the plate most of the time, but it's to the detriment of my career and often my energy/sanity (as some PPs have alluded to). It really grates on me that the default position (currently) is that I always have to bend or make the sacrifices.

I think you need to remind your DH of the financial contribution to the family. DH was rubbing his hands with glee about the extra money I was going to bring in, so its unfair to expect that with one partner doing all parenting responsibilities.

I also think its worth discussing specific requirements i.e. getting him to commit to certain drop offs and pick ups, agree that if DC sick you will split the time off. Start relatively small , but make him aware that bottom line is you cannot maintain a f/t role with 100% of childcare responsibility.

Oh and I'll probably get flamed for this but being really positive when he does make any changes gets good results. I was so deliriously grateful when DH made his working pattern changes that I probably went OTT on this and i should perhaps have always expected him to do his fair share. However being happy and grateful has helped to cement the changes .

FeralBeryl exactly that!!

Millipede - my friend hasn’t this. She was a quite reliable senior member of a NHS team until children. Then her H made it absolutely clear that his responsibilities to his patients was paramount. The amount of unpaid and paid leave she took gave her the reputation of being unreliable and as a result, she had been put under measures plus has missed out on promotion. It’s shit.

He needs to step up outside of the home parenting wise. He has the opportunity - he needs to ask or he’ll never get. This is pure selfishness putting his career ahead of your own and he needs to be told that. The resentment will build up otherwise and the impact will be on your career, affecting family finance and prospects.

ITs not that I’m advocating ending your marriage, but this would be completely nonnegotiable to me. I suppose apart from talking to him, you can tell everyone you know, and turn up at his work once a week And drop the children off. For me I would have to take it nuclear like that or give up on the marriage. It may just work if you disucsss that this isn’t your idea of a marriage and the ramifications of a split where he doesn’t have you for childcare as you aren’t in a relationship. Does he just not plan to see his children? You won’t give him every weekend/ be flexible so he gets all his days off with them as that won’t work for you, and he will have to make all the arrangements for his time. Maybe thinking about it that way makes him realise He is taking a totally unjustifiable dick stance.

What reason does he give for refusing? if it's an awareness that he will leave his colleagues in the lurch, for instance, that is a different matter from just refusing because he can't be bothered.

How does his job get impacted if he doesn’t go in? You say it’s contracted to the emergency services so could low staffing either put other people’s health or safety at risk? Or hit the taxpayer with a massive bill? If so he might have a bit of a point if your job is a bit less critical so for example if you were working on a shop floor or production line or similar.

Men with this attitude piss me off no end, it's disrespectful and sexist, YANBU

I had a similar issue with my DH. It was the final straw for me, after years of him always putting himself first. I had convinced myself somewhere along the way that because he earned more than I did he needed to be prioritised but that eventually he would give me the same support. I was totally wrong about that and I felt an enormous amount of rage and resentment - I knew that I had been kidding myself that we were a team - in his mind it was The DH Show with me as supporting cast. So I said I wanted a divorce. That was the kick up the bum he needed. Now things are completely different and we really are a team. I can't describe the difference it's made to us - it has genuinely transformed our life, because now there are two adults doing everything that needs to be done rather than one adult suiting himself and the other desperately trying to work around him.

You need to resolve this. If he won't listen then it's only a matter of time before you hate him. Believe me.

No of course YANBU. Especially as you are working full time and he's the one who has gone back on his word. MrsK's situation does at least feature a DH who takes sole responsibility for earning, plus a setup that was negotiated before children. I wouldn't fancy it myself, but there is at least a possibility that one parent doing all the child stuff and one doing all the providing stuff can be a fair arrangement.

I'm not saying I'd leave him over this OP but if he does point blank refuse, which he might, I definitely wouldn't have any more children with him. It's kind of not so much the practicalities as the attitude that would really piss me off, though. Like it's ok for someone who loves you, and who you planned a baby with on the basis that they'd be involved, to just decide nah I matter more than you.

Do you do all the housework too OP?

Honestly, i know if i went back to work we'd get divorced because there's no way i'd be doing everything as well as a full time job. I'd be so resentful and pissed off all the time i don't think i'd be able to even look at DH.

No MrsK, I don't do all the housework. When I went back to work we discussed it and took on a cleaner, worth her weight in gold q frankly! DH does his fair share of tidying, laundry etc. I must say though, I have taken responsibility (my choice) for pretty much everything relating to DS - clothes, the childminder, organised activities - really just because it feels easier to have a handle on it all, and nothing falls through the cracks! I just wish that sometimes, when something came up like a doctor's appointment for DS, or the childminder is ill, the conversation ran more along the lines of "how are we going to manage this?" than him saying to me "obviously you'll have to take the day off" or "you'll need to sort something out". The implication is that he "can't" help - when it seems to me that he "won''t".

It’s not really your choice though. He’s told you he won’t play his fair part in parenting. He’s demonstrated he won’t play his fair part in parenting. What alternative did you have?

Why does he think he’s more important than you, have you asked him?

Elton'ssyrup no, I'm not talking about putting lives in danger. He would have to request a roster shift though his ops team which may or may not be honoured. But he won't even ask, which makes me think that he feels it's more important not to be perceived as inconveniencing people at work than owning his half of the responsibility.

I am in a very similar situation to mrsK at one point I pushed my work to four days a week but I had to plan all of the childcare and house running on top of that. I didn't keep it up and dropped to two land a half. We did have a cleaner and a dog walker for my working days. I used to say my hobby was my work and people laughed but it was the activity I chose to do when not looking after my dc. My DH would have been just as happy if I did a yoga class but it was a meaningful professional job with a lot of study behind it. I am now overseas and have started the long process of transferring my qualifications so not working, he is delighted. The only thing that makes this okay is that he is a major earner, is very respectful of the contribution to family life that I make and we share decision making and finances equally. Anything less and I wouldn't cope.

I think HE is being unreasonable. You've already taken a career hit to accommodate your DC, he should show some responsibility towards your family regardless of the job if there is opportunity to do so. I know senior doctors who still manage to request some flex for family stuff. I also know work with some men who are fathers ( it is usually men as far as I can see) who take pride in being the 'hero' at work, always there, always ready to step up, work late etc. while being almost entirely absent from their kids day to day lives.
I would push him on it, before major resentment from the unfairness of it builds up. You may have taken a career hit but you need to LEAN IN and be there when you are supposed to be. Think long term, when you want to go full time or step up again either because you're bored senseless cruising along ( that's hat happened to me!) or you need financial independence from your DH, if he continues to put work before his family then that will eventually come to a head.

It takes an enormous amount of arrogance and selfishness to be happy that your partner isn't able to work in a job they enjoy and have trained for.

Good on you lakeshore - I particularly admire the value you both place on the "contribution to family". I think that is (sadly) q unusual.

I think you're giving him too much credit, Inseoir! I don't think he's probably considered it at all and is therefore neither happy nor unhappy! I'm being a bit flippant but I think he is one of those (numerous) men whose default position is to believe women's careers are collateral damage when children come along. Strange how they still want to see the salary rolling in though! It's up to us (and I don't just mean women, I mean people who are 'enlightened' in this respect) to change the narrative I suppose.

We are both full time with a 2 year old, demanding jobs. Usually dh does pick up and I do drop off, we alternate on doctors appts and most things. Dh organised swimming lessons - I said that was his job as I know he thought swimming mattered , so I left it to him. Took him a while, but I happily called that out in conversation with friends ‘oh ds is going to do swimming but it’s up to dh to organise so no idea how old he will be before that happens’ .i require my husband to be a fully functional parent else I couldn’t possibly be attracted to him.

I think that is also the difference. I was working in a call centre which i hated. If i wanted to work/had a vocation things would have to be different. There was a also a presumption (encouraged by my parents) that my Mum would do childcare while i worked. Once that was obvious it wasn't going to happen and that DH was unable to work in his job and do 50% of stuff which needed to be done we made the decision. DH kept saying 'when you go back to work?' and 'Why can't you just find a job which is 10-2.30 during term time?' I pointed out rather robustly that that wasn't going to be realistic and he would still need to do his share of the housework and sick days etc.

Some people want it both ways

That is the bit I would find infuriating OP, the cake and eat stuff.
What is he like as a parent when he is at home?

Me, my DH and his exW are all in the emergency services and between us we have varied our shifts out in work plans and use special leave, toil etc to make it work for my DSS and my DD.

Between myself and DH he has a higher wage so I dropped hours (not much) but he changed his shift times to allow for school pickups.

Shifts are actually brilliant for childcare and you can get more time together. Childminders are also amazingly flexible too.

Ask about if any of his shift mates change anything for child care or child sickness. I know that all the dads on my shift have all at some point been off to look after sick kids without exception.

I had the Noro virus in dec and my DH came home from work to look after DD.

Emergency services have protocols in place to look after/be flexible with child care.