AIBU to be annoyed that DH never puts family first?

[Millipede170]

DH and I have a lovely nearly-2yo son. I went back to work full time after a year’s maternity and have taken a fairly significant career hit to make sure my work life can facilitate childminder runs etc. I don’t mind this and am fortunate that I have been able to broker such an arrangement; the baby/early years are short and actually if I could balance things more in flavour of mothering than work, then I would. But I digress slightly.

DH works shifts for a company that is contracted to the emergency services. His shift patterns are a bit of a pig, days, nights, weekend work and that’s fine, it was all part and parcel of this job that he wanted so much to take in the first place. But what irritates me is that he is absolutely rigid on never requesting any flexibility from his work for the family. There is a mechanism for requesting shift changes, they are entitled to sick/parental leave should the children fall ill, but he has told me point blank that he will never do it. Son is sick? I have to take time off work. Family emergency on my side? Arranging childcare is my responsibility. I’m really only talking about in extremis situations, but the message is clear: Not his problem.

AIBU to be a bit cross about this?

If you are the higher earner your DH's attitude makes even less sense. It isn't too late to redraw some of the boundaries in your family life.

We have found this tricky like most couple where both work. While both of ours are at nursery it has been easier - we split days off if they are ill and try to share drop off and pick up, but as we drop off at 7.30 and pick up around 5 either of us can do it. I have worked 3 days a week and my DH full time.

Trickier next year when our DS with ASD is going to school as he will not cope with a new school and new childminder or breakfast club. I have had to ask to drop to 2 days at work which was hard as I love my job. And my DH will have to do 2 drop offs a week and maybe pick ups too. He was not happy but I said why should it be all me? We both love our jobs but love our children too so have made it happen.

DH thinks he doesn't have to remember when PE days, clubs or school trips are, because I will. He's fine cooking for adults, but when I had to take DS2 to A & E, he gave DD beans on toast. He doesn't know how to do bedtime or how to help get DS2 ready for school. He doesn't know what they have to take to school. He doesn't know what their uniform or a pair of pyjamas consists of.

For me, when DH wasn't doing his fair share of thinking/planning around the children, what was most difficult was the fact that everything rested on my shoulders. I managed it pretty well, but it was so stressful and exhausting and bloody lonely not to have someone taking responsibility with me - if I didn't do something, it just didn't get done, there was no one there to back me up, pick up the slack when I was ill or tired. I just had to keep going and do everything no matter how tired or fucked off I was, because in the end it was the children that suffered.

Now that DH and share things, I feel so much less stressed. I know that if I don't manage to stick on a uniform wash, it's likely he will. If I'm tired I can lie in and he'll do the packed lunches. The children aren't such a source of constant stress to me and as a result I enjoy them more. DH also says that he feels closer to them because now he's actually involved in their lives and they look to him to look after him, which is the best way to engage with a child.

The biggest trick that men pull on women is making them believe the utter nonsense that childcare is easy when women do it but hard when men do it. If it's too hard for a man to do it, then why are women expected to do it essentially single-handedly???

My H has covered one sick day in six years and then worked the whole weekend to make up for it. We are last on his list of priorities and on the verge of splitting up as a result.

For goodness sake, I leave some pasta sauce and fresh undercrackers for my son when I go out for the day. Not because no one else can do it but because I like doing things for my child because I love him

I think we all love our children op but many partners still manage to work out fairer ways of parenting together. He has you so low down his list of priorities that’s he’s not even looking after you after an operation. I’d have a real think here. Good luck with the op.

I think you need to sit down and ask him why he thinks your career is of less importance and always has to take the hit if your child is ill. Is it just because you are the woman or is it because of the type of job that it is? A mixture of both? Get all your reasons why this isn’t acceptable to you and write them down and present them to him. The detriment to your career alone, even if not obvious, you may miss out on pay rises etc. A man that doesn’t have these extra responsibilities may get promoted above you. Is he going to cover the losses to your career should you end up divorcing? I think not.

As others have said it isn’t the norm anymore even in marriages where there is a large discrepancy in pay, hours. I do think it depends on the type of job you are doing to an extent. For instance I earn about a third of what dh does pro rata and I only work part time but on the days that I work DH generally covers the kids being ill, drs appointments etc. That’s because I work in a highly inflexible clinical role, which would mean lots of patient appointments being cancelled if I was off plus I only get one family day a year and the rest would be unpaid. DH works for himself largely and can work from home, catch up his hours in the evening. If he had some big meeting already set up I might have to take the hit. But the point is it’s nothing to do with our sex or who earns the most.

The operation stuff is a real wtf moment. I can see how things like the clothes and food happen, because you did that all on ML and you like it, so no reason for DH to ever learn. It's not ideal but it's an easy thing to sleepwalk into, and can be seen in some lights as benign enough. You know, baby likes mum better anyway, mum knows what to put him in and i have no taste, mum knows child minder better than me etc. That sort of attitude.

But leaving you to care for a toddler as you recover from an operation is a real escalation. There's no way that could come under the excuses of you liking it and being better at it, as some of the other stuff you describe does. He can't possibly think his toddler being cared for by his post op wife is in the best interests of either.

How does he think you are going to recover? Have you spoken about this? How incapacitated will you be? Is there anyone else you can call on in an emergency?

For goodness sake, I leave some pasta sauce and fresh undercrackers for my son when I go out for the day. Not because no one else can do it but because I like doing things for my child because I love him

How difficult is it for him to find your son's pants, or pasta sauce? Does he not also like doing things for his child because he loves him? Would it mean that you love your son less if you didn't do those things?

And why on earth are you putting up with him going to work when you should be recovering from an operation? He should be stepping up to the plate in this case, at the least? It seems like he doesn't care about your health. Shocking, considering he's supposed to love you.

My ex was like this. I ended up getting disciplinaries at work for all the times I had to take off for the kids. It was him who had insisted that I get a job outside of the home, as I had been working as a childminder. He didn't even take time off work when our son was taken to A&E by ambulance, and finally turned up, after a leisurely dinner, 9 hours later, too late to see our son before son had surgery. That was 20 years ago, and I've never forgiven him for that.

A couple of reasons why he's an ex.

Yes, it's very easy to fall into the habit of dealing with all child-related stuff when you're on maternity leave and continue that when you return to work. But I am shocked that he's refusing to take time off to look after DS when you're recovering from an operation - he's basically saying he cares about his job and his workmates more than you

It’s my fault equally, I haven’t made a big deal about him being at home this weekend. I think I felt I knew what the answer would be so I didn’t bother. Sometimes it would be nice not to have to ask though??

Chances are I’ll be absolutely fine on Sat, it’s just an ERPC (post miscarriage) so I won’t be under for long. I said to him earlier though that he needs to be prepared to phone work and activate the standby crew if it gets complicated, which he accepted no problem. But that’s a bit of a no brainer really as there’s nobody else to look after DS

Jesus! What about emotional support? No wonder you're questioning everything.

So sorry you're going through this.

What?! Post miscarriage and your ‘D’H hasn’t thought to change his shift?

Oh OP. Poor you.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I agree with your DH here.

It doesn't make sense career wise for both parents to take time off or make adjustments during work hours for child related issues.

Why should two careers take a hit?

Yeah he should be there for you for that OP. No wonder you’re questioning things

I would feel sad and unsupported even if I was the capable one with the domestic stuff. Losing a pregnancy trumps work. I think this might eat away at you if you both don’t sort it out where it’s acceptable to you.

It isn't your fault equally that your husband thinks it's acceptable to leave you in charge of DS when recovering from an EPRC. This being a bad idea is not the sort of thing that a sentient adult with no SN should need spelling out to them.

Kubex if the family are taking that approach, why is it sensible to prioritise the lower earner?

It doesn't make sense career wise for both parents to take time off or make adjustments during work hours for child related issues.

Why should two careers take a hit?

Because each career will take less of a "hit" if each person is only asking for 50% of the necessary absences. Then it will be clear to both employers that work is a priority, but that parenting is shared as well.

More men need to do what countless women already do - ask for flexibility from their employers - so that equality isn't just a pipe dream.

In this case, OP is really asking for the bare minimum from her Dh and his employer. And she's the main wage earner!

Fucking hell OP, this man has done a real number on you if you think it's your fault that he is leaving you alone with a child following a miscarriage and an op under general anaesthetic. What a horrible fucker he is.

I do understand the argument for designating one career as the main one. Wouldn't work for us, ever, but there are scenarios in which it might be a valid path for a family. Just can't see how this is one of them.

"It doesn't make sense career wise for both parents to take time off or make adjustments during work hours for child related issues.

Why should two careers take a hit?"

If thats the argument then surely the lower-earning career should be the one to take that hit, especially as some flex is built into it? So the husband should be doing 100% of the adjustments?

On the plus side, his shifts will be useful when your LO starts school - he'll be able to do either the drop-off or pick-up without too much trouble.

However, his attitude its utterly infuriating to me, and is a perfect example of why there's a pay gap. Your career's taking a hit, and he doesn't think his should? Why? Why is his career so much more important than yours?

You earn more than him - surely as a family you should be prioritising your career over his?

Every time the pay gap conversation comes up online, you can bet that someone in the comments will say "well, women choose to work part-time" / "women need flexibility for childcare" / "women aren't ambitious enough", when the real reasons are attitudes like your DH's - that women's careers aren't important, but men can't possibly be expected to take a career hit when they have kids.

@kubex You're arguing that he should be doing 100% of the childcare? Because she's the higher-earner....

Hope the op goes well OP . Do you have any friends who could support you? I'd rather have a lovely friend round than an unsupportive DH in this situation I think.

Also, regarding the general discussion, another reason why it's good to share the DC-related absences from work is that if one of you is in a female dominated workplace then random women end up having to cover a load of work for the frequently-absent female. I was in this position myself for a while before I had DC - a colleague said her DP couldn't take any time off as his workplace was so traditional, so I would constantly have to cover her work for her. Lucky for his work I thought, that they had random me they didn't even know to make this work!

before we had DS, DH said he really wanted to be an 'involved' parent

He meant 'involved in only the best/interesting/self gloryfying/disney dad bits' ......he's not interested in being involved in the boring/tedious/monotonous/tiring aspects of being a parent, or the 'wifework' - or anything that will 'interfere' with his self-importance or the freedom that he had pre-dc.

He's a selfish, inconsiderate, sexist, misogynistic dick.
Stop making excuses for him and enabling him.