AIBU to be annoyed that DH never puts family first?

[Millipede170]

DH and I have a lovely nearly-2yo son. I went back to work full time after a year’s maternity and have taken a fairly significant career hit to make sure my work life can facilitate childminder runs etc. I don’t mind this and am fortunate that I have been able to broker such an arrangement; the baby/early years are short and actually if I could balance things more in flavour of mothering than work, then I would. But I digress slightly.

DH works shifts for a company that is contracted to the emergency services. His shift patterns are a bit of a pig, days, nights, weekend work and that’s fine, it was all part and parcel of this job that he wanted so much to take in the first place. But what irritates me is that he is absolutely rigid on never requesting any flexibility from his work for the family. There is a mechanism for requesting shift changes, they are entitled to sick/parental leave should the children fall ill, but he has told me point blank that he will never do it. Son is sick? I have to take time off work. Family emergency on my side? Arranging childcare is my responsibility. I’m really only talking about in extremis situations, but the message is clear: Not his problem.

AIBU to be a bit cross about this?

He's lovely with DS, lakeshore. Admittedly I have to spoon-feed him a little when it comes to childcare - by which I mean making sure there is suitable food in the house (plus instructions for the heating/administration of!), clean clothes on the dresser, activities sorted etc. (or maybe I don't have to do that?? - I will experiment one day and see what happens) but they adore each other and generally have a v nice time.

“I think he is one of those (numerous) men whose default position is to believe women's careers are collateral damage when children come along. Strange how they still want to see the salary rolling in though! It's up to us (and I don't just mean women, I mean people who are 'enlightened' in this respect) to change the narrative I suppose.”

This Is definitely a huge issues is some relationships. I have a friend who is a nurse and her DH is a senior manager in an IT company. To me her career is just as valuable ( if not more because of the value to society) than his career but because he earns significantly more he doesn’t see it that way. She has to organise all childcare to cover her shifts as he says it’s her choice to work when financially she doesn’t need to. I find this outrageous and can barely tolerate him because of this attitude.

Of course you don't have to spoon feed him - who spoon-fed you when you first became a mother?

That's interesting, Completely. DH works for a private service provider though and the shifts don't seem to be flexible, it's a flat 0700-1630 (day) or 1600-0030 (night), same for everybody. It's asking ops to make arrangements for a shift to be covered, that I would appreciate occasionally.

“. Admittedly I have to spoon-feed him a little when it comes to childcare - by which I mean making sure there is suitable food in the house (plus instructions for the heating/administration of!), clean clothes on the dresser, activities sorted etc. (or maybe I don't have to do that?? “
NO you don’t have to do that! He’s a grown man who apparently holds down a very important job. I’m pretty sure he can figure out how to look after a small child. Doing this creates half your problem as you’re painting yourself as the main career. Goodness I just leave the house without considering whar they will do, eat, wear etc knowing my 40 year old husband can figure it out!

I presume if his friend was getting married, for example, he would change a shift Millipede?

Stop immediately making it so easy for him on his days off with DS. That way madness lies as you are making yourself the manager/organiser even when you aren't there. You may have to accept that DS doesn't eat/do/wear what you would choose on those days but unless you've married a complete idiot, that won't matter very much.

The thing is, if your DH got long-term sick, or was made redundant, or when he retires, will those so-important colleagues and that company be there for him? Well, no. That would be you and your son. I would be incensed at feeling that DH found his work more important than me and our DC all the time (fair enough, there are days you have to prioritise).

If you know for sure there are other dads at his work that do swap shifts etc you should point that out. I can see if he's the only one he might feel inhibited.

timeisnotaline - I did that with rugby/football as well. Happy to ferry DS to his matches when DH not there, but the administrative burden of it was not my job and to that end I didn't receive the emails about it - DH did.
So when he asked me what time rugby was at, I was able to throw it right back at him and say that he was the one who got the emails and I had absolutely no idea. I have learnt to say these things calmly and without recrimination in my voice over the years.
And to be totally fair to DH if he sees a job as his - e.g. preparing dinner on the days he works early and at home - he will absolutely take it on as his - I do however need to let go long enough to let that happen.

OP on the home front figure out what matters and what doesn't. I despair when women talk laughingly about their DHs choosing a non matching outfit and them having to do it for them - really does it matter if they're mismatched for the day? Ditto with food - he'll figure something out.

Heck I'd probably have a lovely time with a non related child if someone did all the grunt work for me and all I had to do was show up and play with them.

who spoon-fed you when you first became a mother?

Absolutely no-one, Inseoir I felt very alone in those early days. But the point is that I want them to enjoy their time together. I find it easy to provide the lunches and the clean outfits because I'm on top of it all the time anyway. DH always seems slightly on the back foot which is needless.

You’ve fallen into the dynamic where you are the default parent and he’s taken advantage of that, you’ve enabled this Mr as long as it suits me crap for too long. As long as you’re not prepared to challenge this practically, he’s never going to change. Oh and spoon feeding him, is you agreeing that he’s less capable and therefore less responsible.

We can’t have it both ways, we can’t buy into this gender roles bullshit by treating men like incapable idiots and then expect them not to take advantage of it. He’s an equal parent and both of you neeed to start acting like it. Doing his share around the house and playing with his son isn’t gold star Dad behaviour.

He’s on the back foot because he’s lazy and you enable it. Men think parenting is a piece of piss because from their ‘I only do what interests me’ viewpoint, it is. Society has much, much lower expectations for men when it comes to children and women buy into that to their own detriment.

So you want him to have a good time with his son and to facilitate that you do jobs he could easily do himself, like making lunch and sorting out clothes.

You want more freedom to work in order to develop your career and benefit your family and what is he doing to facilitate that?

Also, you have to remember that being a loving parent is about far more than playing and days out. Doing things for your children, things you put effort and time into, is a way of showing love, and children really notice which parent it is that knows where the PE kit is - that's the parent they trust and turn to when they need something. By not doing those things your DH is refusing to be an engaged parent.

Some people want it both ways

This is the crux of it. I don't work. We decided - jointly - that was best for the family. So I do all the organising of the DCs and the house. Fair enough. BUT:
A) My DH values what I do and we are a team and
B) He is always available if I need him to be (e.g. If I am sick and cannot drive, there is no question that he takes time off and ferries the kids to and from school etc etc.

Your position seems like the worst of all worlds and it isn't fair.

Your husband, a grown adult, with a demanding and successful career can’t heat food, find clothes or plan an activity for his child? Come on, written down that sounds a little unlikely doesn’t it?

He’s rinsing you

I was in a similar situation with my DH refusing to compromise his work if I was ill or needed him to put the family first.
However, since having cancer, he's had a dramatic about face and appreciates how precious life is, especially as we've lost 3 friends to cancer in the last 15 months. He took early retirement and now prioritises spending time with DS and is a very hands on dad. (He's still rubbish at cooking though).
Unfortunately, I realise that that's not going to help the OP much but just to say that external influences can bring about change for the better.

We are slightly drifting off the topic here I think, but I'll bite. I don't think he's incapable of doing any of those things, and the world would not end if I didn't do it. But like I say, since I am the food-shopper, toddler clothes-buyer and activities-organiser in this house, it is an easy thing for me to contribute. I don't resent it either. Just like DH doesn't resent being in charge of making sure we have enough heating oil, firewood and that the grass is cut. I would be perfectly capable of doing those things too.

Seriously, of everyone who is calling me a mug for being the domestic chief whip, do you and your husbands both do all these things independently: are you both tracking when you will need to re-stock on nappies? Have you taken an equal interest in when your DC will next go up a size in vests? Are you both keeping in mind the date that the childminder's payment is due? I doubt it. Because if you are, I suggest 50% of the time expended on it is a total waste. You don't need 2 people constantly invested in this stuff.

I take the point that I have made myself into the primary care giver and now I am changing the expectation slightly by asking for DH to step into 'my world' a bit, by being prepared to ask for flex at work. My question was whether I was being unreasonable to be frustrated by his refusal to do so before now - I think unequivocally we are in agreement that I have a strong footing for initiating that conversation.

DH and I both work full time and then we just do anything else as it comes along - some jobs are done mainly by me or by him but for the most part we just do what needs doing. So if DH notices we're low on something he'll put it on the shopping list and either I'll buy it or he'll buy it, for example.If the sitting room's a mess and I'm there, I'll tidy it, same goes for if DH is there. So we don't divide things as such, we just both know what needs doing and we do it.

Different households do thing things differently of course and lots of couples do split jobs. But in your situation, you work and take care of everything to do with your DS, even if your DH is supposedly looking after him - that's not splitting things, that's you doing the whole lot of a very large set of responsibilities, which over time becomes extremely tiring. Also, you've asked your DH to take on a very small bit of the responsibility sometimes and he has refused. You see the difference there, don't you?

We pretty much do split all those things, except I buy ds clothes. Whoever’s picking him up makes him dinner. Sometimes it’s preped in advance, sometimes not. Whoever’s going to the shops checks nappies. There’s no doubling of the work. We each pay our own childcare vouchers and he transfers the rest of the cc payment , usually st the same time as we sit and do monthly finance update.

Utter rot that their jobs are SOOOO important they can't possibly take time off if required, even the military has allowances for this I've also family ACTUALLY working in emergency services and it also applies. They're at it!

I'm with a pp - I wouldn't tolerate such attitudes. Yanbu op and you need to make clear to him he is and has to act as if he has equal responsibility for your child as you do. Your job and career prospects are not less important and his aren't more. You seem to know what is available to him at his particular employers so no excuses.

And the career prospects argument is bull too because why should it always be the woman who's career prospects are affected? Plus it's highly unlikely anyway. Women are seen as awkward for taking time off for childcare duties men are seen as bloody saints!

The key is communication unfortunately. I asked DH to tell his peers about several of the situations and get their take, he was astounded when they agreed with me that he was unreasonable

Well done! And good for his peers telling him he was being unreasonable.

My brother (police officer) had a similar situation as the peers as in a colleague trying to crack on he couldn't POSSIBLY take time off when his wife gave birth. Brother took him aside and (politely and with humour) told him not to be such a dick, that his wife would need him (explained how rough those first few weeks can be) and that he'd regret it because the early days with baby are soon gone. Colleague later thanked brother - turned out colleagues wife was on the verge of seriously considering leaving as he'd not been very much help through the pregnancy either! Brother was a Lp for a few years. His thinking now is if he can manage that there's no excuse for those who don't have to do EVERYTHING to step up when needed.

Tell him all that op, that your HEALTH is affected and actually THAT could mean he needs to take more time off. If you were to take very ill as a result he'd have to step up then!

I agree with being specific too.

Op you're saying you think leaving is an extreme result - but as pps have said, resentment soon builds up. Will you still feel that way if you miss a promotion, have to have a disciplinary meeting or even lose your job as a result of his lack of support?

Nope wouldn't be doing the spoon feeding either - if he's capable enough to do a VERY important job he can handle the home/childcare tasks on what sounds like the rare occasions he does.

Dh will do what he can if he can. Just a few weeks ago I had a knee injury and couldn’t walk. He worked from home the whole week and did all drops and pick ups. But equally he often calls me from work and says he has to fly abroad that day. He has told me today we may need to cancel our Easter hols as he has to go to Moscow. :(

We have our areas of priority for sure (he does all washing, I do clothes buying for example) but it seems you’re doing most things - mowing the lawn and making sure you have firewood probably doesn’t take up as much time as organising a child’s whole life.

Agreeing in advance that a partner’s job means they need to go away at a moments notice is fine.

Deciding your job will ALWAYS be too important to even try and work flexibly occasionally Is not fine.

he has told me point blank that he will never do it

I just couldn’t have this. WHY will he “never” do it?

Is he worried that asking fur a certain degree of flexibility as a working parent will affect his career?

If so, WHY can he not see that he’s asking you to let it affect your career?

Is your employer less valuable than his employer? Why does he think that?

It’s ridiculously outrageously stressful to be the only parent who deals with child-related absences. You’re not a single parent - he needs to Step The Fuck Up.

I would suggest OP that taking a step back and letting your DH plan the time with DS will help him to enjoy that time even more. He needs that experience to learn what the whole involvement of caring for DS is. Do you think there is a bit of control on your part in this? Do you feel that if you do it, it'll be done "the right way"?

Just a suggestion as I did this with my DH and it really did help him see not just the bigger picture with regards parenting, but feel more involved and not just someone whose worth to the family was financial.