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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can you let your child go to boarding school?

479 replies

Jerem · 06/03/2018 22:27

I’m going to get flamed probably by the people who send their child to boarding school full time ..

But how could you?
How can you let other adults care for your child? Why did you send them away? Why have children and not have them in your home, give them their tea, talk everyday face to face. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t.

Anyone care to explain how you can send your child to live elsewhere without you??

OP posts:
Snausage · 07/03/2018 08:00

Unfortunately, OP, you're not just posing a question on a public forum and engaging with people who disagree with you; your posts are dripping with judgement and I can almost see the ugly sneer on your face as you cast scorn upon all who choose to raise their children in a way that's different to the way you choose.

I went to boarding school, as did my brothers. I received a wonderful education and have the best, closest, lifelong friends who I couldn't be without. My mother made what she thought was the best choice for us and our family (as it turns out, they were the best choices for us) - it was absolutely nothing to do with farming us out so that she was able to maintain a lifestyle, as you seem to think. Boarding school taught me an awful lot and made me far more prepared for 'real life' than a lot of my 'normal school' friends.

I would send my son in a heartbeat, and not for the reasons you seem to think parents choose boarding schools. It doesn't mean I love him less than you do your children, or that I don't like spending time with him, or that I would rather go out or do things for myself than be a mum in the evenings.

You make your choices and I'll make mine.

sashh · 07/03/2018 08:03

I would have loved to board.

I went to 3 different schools in 3 years. Totally disrupted my education and I had difficulty making friends.

cinderellawantstogototheball · 07/03/2018 08:03

I do think there's a difference between the Roald Dahl experience described so vividly in "boy", when children were treated harshly and only saw their parents every few months and today's set up where there is lots of pastoral care, Skype and FaceTime etc, and the option of weekend boarding. If my DC really begged to go and loved it, I would consider it on that basis. As I said, I have several friends who really loved boarding school. By the time they were older, some opted not to go home at some weekends because they were having fun with friends.

But the OP doesn't care about that. She just wants to fantasise tell us about how she is the perfect parent Hmm

TroubledLichen · 07/03/2018 08:04

DH went to boarding school as a teenager. His parents are divorced and he was living with his mum who has a number of mental health issues and the situation escalated to the point where he could no longer live with her. He had to go and live with his father but he had a job that involves very long hours and overseas travel so it was agreed that weekly boarding close to his father’s was the best option. DH loved it and actually credits boarding school with turning his life around. He went from failing everything to excelling academically and eventually got a masters degree from a top university.

I knew two military families growing up where the kids got sick of the moves and asked to be allowed to board as teenagers.

This is just a horrible goady thread. Some people live very different lives but for the most part all anyone is trying to do is give their children a good education and as much stability as possible.

emberflames · 07/03/2018 08:05

No kids here yet but when I do get around to it and if I'm able to financially, my kids will absolutely be going to boarding school from 11
Not everyone wants to wrap their kids in cotton wall and have our entire lives revolves around them OP. You sound incredibly judgemental.

SharronNeedles · 07/03/2018 08:14

I haven't read the full thread becuase I was just getting more and more angry and upset at OP.
I went to boarding school and it wasnt becuase my parents didn't love me enough or want me thank you very much.
No one has a crystal ball. Circumstances change as you get older. Perhaps they had no intention of sending their child to BS but ended up having to make that decision becuase of their job. Unfortunately we live in a time where people don't always have the flexibility to just 'get a different job'. People need to work, some will choose to sacrifice things to ensure their children will always have stability, consistent education, a nest egg etc.
Also if your child is gifted (genuinely gifted, you know what I mean) a BS may have the resources to nurture that in an educational sense to help your child reach their potential.

Spikeyball · 07/03/2018 08:25

"What I can't fathom out is, why don't people in this situation just up sticks and move house nearer to their chosen school in order to not have their child board?"

In the case of sn if you move with a placement already in place, your child may lose their place at the school because it is a different local authority who now has to fund it.
If you move first you may find the child doesn't get a place at the school and you are back to square one but with possibly no job and other children who have been uprooted for nothing.

KC225 · 07/03/2018 08:30

Ordinary state schools for me but as a child I was a massive fan of the original St Trinian's films. Used to daydream, I was betting on horses and making booze in the science lab

martellandginger · 07/03/2018 08:34

I think people who have children then go in to work all hours are just as bad. They end up having zero time for their kids due to big careers. I genuinely don’t understand why you have kids if you are not adjusting your life to fit them in. Seeing your children for 30 mins a day might what you have to do to make ends meet but why do that to a second or third child as well?

cinderellawantstogototheball · 07/03/2018 08:34

Sharron - you mean like every pupil at Enid Blyton's boarding schools had a special gift? The musical scatty genius; the artistic star; the singer; the sewing designer; the writer; the comedienne; the beautiful one... ah, I LOVED those books! Apparently the publishers used to get deluged with letters from children asking how they could go there.

But... Mallory towers or st Clare's??

GnotherGnu · 07/03/2018 08:34

If you don't care enough about your children to give them the best education and experience they will ever have

I find it really sad that someone thinks that no experience in life can top a few years in a boarding school.

cinderellawantstogototheball · 07/03/2018 08:37

Oh now Martell has turned up to judge working parents too, ffs. Make your own choices and leave other people alone.

Working parents wouldn't judge you if your career choice meant you couldn't give your child music/sport/drama lessons or the fancy school trips or holidays around the globe or full university tuition fees or a deposit on their first home, so why should you judge how much time it takes them to earn money for those sorts of things?!

RandomDreams · 07/03/2018 08:38

People raise their children how they want, some send them to boarding school, some don't.

I don't get why that's difficult to comprehend.

emberflames · 07/03/2018 08:39

I'd also like to add that as someone who worked as a nanny for a few years back in my early 20s, in my honest opinion the parents who were out the house at 7am for Work and back just before bedtime are a lot worse for kids than boarding school parents.
Very often the parents I worked for who worked crazy hours would come home tired, stressed. They'd be on age and snap at the kids over silly things. I couldn't help but think some of the children would've been better off weekly boarding and then at least when they came home for the weekend they'd arrive to rested and less stressed parents.

scaryteacher · 07/03/2018 08:39

K2p Those who live on the Scillies send their kids to weekly board as well, but hey, they should give up the tenancies of their Duchy farms, and thus their homes to find work elsewhere.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/03/2018 08:44

Wow, maybe your parents should have sent you to boarding school, OP, and then you might have learnt some manners and have a good attitude.

Or perhaps they did, and that’s why you’re dripping with scorn, because you resent them for it?

SimplyJaded · 07/03/2018 08:45

In very very limited circumstances I can see that it's necessary - abuse/military/SEN and special facilities.

But YANBU op. It's literally handing your child over to someone else to bring up for the majority of the year, no matter how many calls and visits you gave. All this talk about making 'selfless' choices for your dc to have the best education - pah. Those that say that are kidding themselves IMO, no one else.

k2p2k2tog · 07/03/2018 08:45

Scaryteacher - of COURSE they should! How on earth can they LIVE with themselves, their poor little mites sent away to the nasty mainland just so their parents can keep hold of their livelihoods and homes? It's just plain SELFISH. All parents on the Scilly Isles are quite plainly shit. Hmm

scaryteacher · 07/03/2018 08:54

K2p2 Especially when they don't even go to the mainland, but gasp, the next Island, as theirs is too small for a secondary school!!!!

k2p2k2tog · 07/03/2018 08:57

K2p2 Especially when they don't even go to the mainland, but gasp, the next Island, as theirs is too small for a secondary school!!!!

Well that''s even worse. Shooting is too good for them.

Remember being in Cornwall years ago and seeing the heliport in Penzance (?) offering transfers to the islands. I had this mental image of loads of secondary age kids zooming off to the mainland every Monday morning by helicopter. Now THAT would be cool.

Idontdowindows · 07/03/2018 08:59

Putting your CHILD away from you for long periods of time is in the long run very damaging for your child and the type of person they end up being, eg: find relationships hard and are cold and care only about themselves because un-naturally they had to from such a young age.

Bollocks.

scaryteacher · 07/03/2018 08:59

K2 Some do go the mainland as well. Talking of Islands though, what about those awful Falklanders sending their kids to Winchester and Chichester for sixth form?

honeylulu · 07/03/2018 09:01

There are lots of positive boarding school experiences.
My husband went to public school (boarding) and enjoyed it. He had a big family and home life was a bit chaotic so he loved the order and routine of school life.
His parents paid for his niece to go to a local private school. She ended up begging to be allowed to board like some of the friends she'd made so she boarded 2-3 nights a week even though she was only a 10 minute bus ride from home. Friend whose two sons went to the same school didn't board but theyd often choose to stay asset school until 9.30pm because of excellebt clubs, supervised homework/revision, got to have dinner with friends etc.
Another friend had a messy divorce. Had no option but to work full time in London to afford to buy a new home. ExH was difficult about maintenance as he didn't want friend to be able to spend a penny on herself. The compromise was that he paid school fees direct in lieu of maintenance. As a result friend was able to work long hours during the week, daughter got a fantastic education and mon-fri stability/company and came home to mum every weekend. She loved her school and made great friends, some of whom were later her bridesmaids and godparents to her children.

pontiouspilates · 07/03/2018 09:03

My children do not board, but I have friends whose children do. I would never judge them for making that choice. We all do what we feel is best for our children. Just because you chose not to, it doesn't make it wrong.

emmyrose2000 · 07/03/2018 09:06

I don't agree with this argument about jobs. If parents can afford to send their child to boarding school then they can afford for one parent not to work so their child can live at home. Primary school children especially shouldn't be sent away. It's terrible. Sending a young child away will never be in their best interests. Leave them have a proper childhood and sleep in their own beds every night not in some expensive building somewhere. One childhood they have. Once it's gone it's gone

Agreed. I know lots of military families. None of them send their children away to boarding school. I'd be surprised if any of them had considered it TBH. The non-military spouse stays put in one area with the kids and the partner comes and goes as needed. A few years ago, my DH was offered a job overseas. We did consider it, but for various reasons turned it down, mainly as it would've been too disruptive for the DC. It never even entered our heads that boarding school was an option, assuming I could even find the nearest one.

I don't understand this British mentality of choosing to send their kids away to school. It's bizarre. Thank god it's far from the norm where I live.

There isn't a school in the land that would be worth sending my DC away to. Luckily for us/them, the local state high school is routinely listed as one of the top in the entire county, above just about every private school. But even if it was just plain average, having a normal home life would outweigh any supposed fancy sports field/science lab/whatever at a boarding school.