Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How can you let your child go to boarding school?

479 replies

Jerem · 06/03/2018 22:27

I’m going to get flamed probably by the people who send their child to boarding school full time ..

But how could you?
How can you let other adults care for your child? Why did you send them away? Why have children and not have them in your home, give them their tea, talk everyday face to face. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t.

Anyone care to explain how you can send your child to live elsewhere without you??

OP posts:
UnicornRainbowColours · 07/03/2018 20:51

None of your business..

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 07/03/2018 21:00

Why would someone “want their child to be independent”?

Surely what we all long for is a close knit family?

Do we think leaving home at 18 is insufficiently independent?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/03/2018 21:04

Why would someone “want their child to be independent”?

Surely what we all long for is a close knit family

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth You can be independent and still be in a close-knit family.

Why would you want your child to be dependant on you? By creating a child who is not independent, you are holding them back in life and they will have problems coping with life and forming relationships.

Steakandchips3 · 07/03/2018 21:07

I agree with you op.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 07/03/2018 21:18

Hmm, maybe we are using the word “independent” in different ways?

It’s a word that my kids primary school teachers used at parents’ evening as a good thing. Independent learning, making choices independently of their friendship group, etc

But sending people to boarding school......I don’t get how that connects to positive types of independence . Detachment, yes.

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 21:29

Mine is independant and I have no worries about her travelling in the future which will be a big part of her life.
I'm glad she's not going to stay around here just because her family is here.
I believe her school along with her personality, will enable her to do things that maybe she wouldn't have done if she had stayed a home girl.
That's not to say we aren't a close knit family, family is the most important thing to us all, dd attending a boarding school hasn't changed this.
We make time for us all to come together whenever we can, extended family too. Since she started we have all seen much more of friends and family as it's easy to let time drift when you can see people whenever you like.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 07/03/2018 21:37

Well it’s obviously working for you gilly which is great.

Presumably you didn’t send her away so as to “make her independent” though? I imagine there was some other circumstance.

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 21:48

thanksjane

No, we didn't send her away, but the independance is a huge bonus and one I can believe a lot of parents of boarders seeing as a huge positive for their future.

juddyrockingcloggs · 07/03/2018 22:01

Not a chance in hell would I send my child to a boarding school but on the other hand I really couldn't give a flying fuck of someone else does. It affects me or my child in absolutely no way at all! I couldn't and wouldn't but that doesn't mean someone else shouldn't and wouldn't.

pallisers · 07/03/2018 22:03

Oh yes, I made a rookie mistake there; I gave you something to respond to which let you conveniently ignore the main content of the post that refutes your dig at another poster.

Sorry - I did ignore it as it seemed a bit irrelevant and I was amused at your bossiness.

So you knew one couple where the woman doesn't read English and that is proof that we should all think it perfectly normal for there to be lots of couples where one is illiterate (not just unable to read English) and the other a high earner (which is what Roly described as "not hard to imagine????"). Ok then.

scaryteacher · 07/03/2018 22:08

Thanisjanes Yet, the kids meet ordinary people when they use state boarding provision. I'm as ordinary as you can get, state educated from the ground up, and boarded at a state sixth form. Had I not moved abroad to join dh, then ds would have boarded eventually at prep school. It would have helped me to do my job teaching at a local comp.

I don't think you have a clue just how ordinary most boarders are. My db boarded, Dad was in the RN. Mum was a low grade civil servant. I went to comp. I was the first in my family to get A levels, which gives you some idea of my parents educational back ground. Both had O levels, but that was as far as their parents could afford for them to go with education. They left school in the late 50s and went out to work. We were an ordinary family.

Not all private schools are Eton or Harrow....and it is unfair to tar them all with the same brush. One boy I taught at local private school, I had previously taught at a sink comp on PGCE. The private school, with smaller class sizes, setting, ethos, consequences and a Head who held the line on discipline, began to turn him around.

Fyi, ds has never been skiing, as he didn't want to go, and we couldn't afford it. When boarding he went on trips that helped his A levels. I would also add that I have met snottier parents and more entitled kids at the International school ds attended abroad as a day pupil, than I did in my time teaching in the private sector, and bring a prep school Mum.

scaryteacher · 07/03/2018 22:11

Pallisers I know some couples like that, where the illiterate partner, educated in the 60s/70s in the state system, came out of comp without being able to read. Grammars had been abolished in this particular county for a while. She would be given all sorts of help and probably be described as dyslexic today, but not then, as the help wasn't there.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 07/03/2018 22:13

Hi scary,

No, I only met the products of posh 1980s boarding so you are right I can’t judge or comment on what you describe

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 22:18

I have been talking to my dd tonight and told her she's caught posh Grin
I do this when she is talking posh, yet her friends all vary in poshness Grin
There are the stinking rich who pay full fees and sink council estate who pay none and many in between.
There are international students as the catchment is the world, so she loves learning bits of new languages.
Any child could do this from home with Duo Lingo but it's nice to share with others.

KittyVonCatsington · 07/03/2018 22:19

Don’t put words in my mouth (that’s not bossiness by the way, just good etiquette not to misquote people)

Where did I say it was normal? Did I (or Roly) say there were lots of people like that?
No.
All posters like Roly and me, are just saying that we cannot presume to think we know everyone’s situation just because we have no experience of it. You said you find it hard to imagine that scenario and I merely pointed out that I know someone in a family like that and yet you aggressively respond.
If you interpret Roly’s post (and I hope they return in case I am wrong!) towards another poster, they were just stating some reasons why some people may have reason to what to provide for their family in a different way to a lot of us. You see to have taken great offence to that, which is strange.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 07/03/2018 22:22

What I find reassuring gilly is that you are clearly reflecting on the situation all the time and, as you say, expecting her to do so also.

yolofish · 07/03/2018 22:25

gilly I think you and your dd are in quite an exceptinal situation though? (seen you on other boarding threads!) and you are clearly reflective as the PP above said. Your situation is quite different from "oh all the ponsonby-smythes board" or "omg the local school has OIKS"!

scaryteacher · 07/03/2018 22:26

I was a state boarder in the 80s, and we were ordinary kids of military families, FCO families etc. Some boarded as they were on the Hampshire specialist music course.

Dh boarded in the 70s at a private school as his Dad was away at sea, and boarding provided more than their Mum could in terms of a variety of sport, cadets, and other males about. Whilst I tease him for having gone to a school with a debating society, he never avoided ordinary people. His Mum was a state school teacher, and his grandparents weren't posh at all. Joining the RN meant he rubbed shoulders with all sorts during his career, from an HRH to kids fresh out of school. To get the best out if the latter, especially in submarines, you have to be able to find common ground, and dh always managed that.

I think you met a bad lot who would have been obnoxious wherever they went to school. They are not all like that.

BertrandRussell · 07/03/2018 22:28

Oh, gilly. I do wish you wouldn’t post as if your boarding/private school experience. is anything but exceptional. It really is incredibly misleading.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 07/03/2018 22:30

Well gilly is entitled to testify about her own family and stop there.
She’s honest.

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 22:30

I think you have to reflect regularly. I hate it when people presume you don't love your children because you allow them to board.
It took me a whole term to get over my dd going to school, and I sobbed every night.
What I have learned from talking to the ponsonby - smythes when we were preparing for the first term, they are just like us.
The reasons are the same and it's always what's best for the child.
I'm sure that some parents send them away for reasons any normal parent couldn't conceive, but I haven't experienced any of these first or second hand.
But you are right, we have nothing to lose so if dd wasn't happy she'd be home.

pallisers · 07/03/2018 22:31

Don’t put words in my mouth (that’s not bossiness by the way, just good etiquette not to misquote people)

What on earth are you withering on about. You told me to "stop being so snippy to roly" Full sentence. You were bossy. I was amused by it. own it for goodness sake.

you seem very engaged by what was a side issue on a side issue on this thread. If you think I responded aggressively, good luck to you with navigating AIBU.

MrsSchadenfreude · 07/03/2018 22:32

Mine board. It's marvellous. I can go out all the time midweek and not have to worry about being home early or sober, or to be confronted with the whine of what is for dinner and to nag about the homework, tidying bedroom, going out to play with Julie etc etc. We have a lovely weekend en famille and then they are waved off on Sunday evening after a nice lunch, leaving me in peace to watch Call the Midwife.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 07/03/2018 22:33

“what's best for the child.”

Hmm, I think you are giving them the benefit of the doubt there gilly :)

gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 22:34

Bert

It's boarding and the dc have the same experience in this sense as other boarding schools.
They have house staff, nurses, common room, swiping in and out of school, dormitories, school lessons, extra curricular activities, pretty good teachers, and most people pay fees of some description.
Ther aren't any major differences in this sense.