How can you let your child go to boarding school?

[Jerem]

I’m going to get flamed probably by the people who send their child to boarding school full time ..

But how could you?
How can you let other adults care for your child? Why did you send them away? Why have children and not have them in your home, give them their tea, talk everyday face to face. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t.

Anyone care to explain how you can send your child to live elsewhere without you??

Because circumstances change and the life you had when you had a baby/ babies has changed by the time they are school age. E.g. you have become a single parent or unwell.
Because a school many miles from home offers the best education for your child - this could be due to SEN or a particular talent (fame school, sports academy etc.)
Because you live in a remote location that means a daily school commute is impossible (several of the Scottish Island don't have senior schools)
Because your job requires frequent international travel/moves.
Because you feel BS will give your children opportunities and advantages that wouldn't get from being educated locally (presumably the motive for the 1000s of parents from Russia/ the Middle East etc who send their children to the UK to school.

I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but my life has always revolved around my children.
I can't see how having one board means that now it doesn't.
It's the same argument as working parents, you don't stop parenting just because they aren't there.
I am still very active in her schooling for e.g. I'm currently downloading the boards for the GCSE's she'll do, because I see that as my job in helping and supporting. We'll speak about it at weekend, amongst other things, as it's option time atm. I'm listing questions for her teachers at parents evening.
I have done this for all my dc whether state, H.ed, or boarding.

A Dfriend's life revolved around her children. She's from Ghana, her DH is a consultant surgeon here. As each of her DCs reached secondary age, they were sent to board weekly, going home to their dad at weekends while she stayed in Ghana with her younger children. It broke her heart, but she and her DH believed it was best for them. Her DCs are now grown up and agree.

@Oblomov18 surely most parents' lives revolve around their children. Children need you to look after them as they can't look after themselves, provide for them, set them up for a good life. Why have them if you're not willing to do this?

I do all of those things, it doesn't mean my life revolves around them.

@RolyRocks for me personally setting a child up for a good life is spending time with your child. Giving them attention, reading together, doing homework together, chatting about the day. Rather than meaning a particular sort of 'good life' (I agree there are many) I meant that I want it to be my job to set them up for it their life, rather than pay someone else to do it.

Like @Fuckoffee said before spending ever few weekends with your child isn't real life, it's an outing where everyone is pleased to see each other and tries to keep things light and pleasant because you have limited time together.

There are instances where boarding could be a good idea, as if said in my previous post, but for me ( for younger children ie year 8 and below) it would always be a last resort.

My husband went to boarding school from the age of 13, only seeing his mum, dad and brother in school holidays (not during term time).

Whilst he appreciates the fact that he got a stellar education, it has left him with a host of neuroses about his family - always feeling on the outside, looking in, always feeling like he's trying to win their approval and (weirdest of all) feeling guilty that he left! Before we married I made it clear that our kids would NECER be sent away.

His cousin was sent to boarding school from the age of 8 and I think it's telling that he now has five kids and is VERY anti boarding school!

Reading the ft, I should note that my husband's family were neither military nor moving around - they just believed in boarding school as the best education.

Gosh, setting them up for a good life could mean them attending a boarding school, there are some things you can't do yourself. There are some things you can't teach yourself.
It could mean they are able to achieve far more than the alternatives.

Well a lot of children do ask to go you know. It probably would have been better for me if my parents had sent me in my time (mother was hell to live with) but the money just wasn’t there to pay for it.

I'm off to work now, but the small amount we pay means the call centre awaits.
Will check in later

@RolyRocks for me personally setting a child up for a good life is spending time with your child. Giving them attention, reading together, doing homework together, chatting about the day. Rather than meaning a particular sort of 'good life' (I agree there are many) I meant that I want it to be my job to set them up for it their life, rather than pay someone else to do it.

Which all sounds lovely on the surface and I do agree with you on a lot of them but can't you see if I break it down into context, then what works for you, doesn't work for others and therefore, comments like paying someone else to do it is just plain offensive?

personally setting a child up for a good life is spending time with your child Even if that time includes shouting/swearing/lots and lots of TV/exposed to illness mental or physical etc etc etc?

Giving them attention, reading together, doing homework together, chatting about the day All good in moderation but also giving the child space to do these independently also has its own merits (especially the homework part - too many parents end up doing this for them)

I want it to be my job to set them up for it their life Again, the I want really screams out. I too would like that but sometimes we have to make a decision that we might not be the best person or people to have that job. What if you can't read? What if you can't help with the homework because you don't know how? What if you want a lifestyle where you don't rely on benefits or tax credits? What if, when you try and ask them about their day, you are met with shouting/violence?

I am playing devil's advocate a lot here but I'm just trying to make a point that some of what you are typing is really narrowminded in assuming other parents don't 'care' enough to do those things and merely paying someone else to make the effort. Totally totally wrong and the same could be said for sending any child to a normal day school - someone else is 'being paid' to help you bring up your child. Those in glass houses....

“What if you can't read? What if you can't help with the homework because you don't know how? What if you want a lifestyle where you don't rely on benefits or tax credits?”

Are many illiterate uneducated people in benefits in a position to pay boarding school fees?

As with many things in life, the people likely to benefit from something are the people least likely to get it.

@RolyRocks I do understand what you're saying - I probably should have written that I'm talking about what i would do for my family, and what would be best for my family. And from my own childhood experiences. In those situations I would think that parents were paying someone to do it, but I understand that not everyone has those circumstances so it was a thoughtless thing to say and I do apologise for that.

None of he situations you mention occur in my house though they will somewhere.

My overriding thoughts on the matter stem from friends who boarded and they all seem to have this distance from their parents and a certain sadness when they talk about their time there. It would completely devastate me if my own children harboured those feelings.
Obviously others who boarded will have different experiences, I've only spoken to a handful.

Are many illiterate uneducated people in benefits in a position to pay boarding school fees?

One such scenario could be that one parent works many hours in a high paid job to pay for everything, whilst the other parent does not work and can't due to not being able to read etc. It does happen you know - many different families from different cultures will have this as a common scenario.

It's not that hard to imagine is it????

My overriding thoughts on the matter stem from friends who boarded and they all seem to have this distance from their parents and a certain sadness when they talk about their time there.

Totally understand and I do agree that boarding school is not for everyone but then, this thread is about those who it does work for and we should be open to other situations than our own.

It's not that hard to imagine is it????

Yes it is. I find it hard to imagine a scenario where one parent is earning enough to pay for a top ranked boarding school and the other is completely illiterate and unemployable. Do you know many people like that? I didn't realise it was a common thing with "different cultures"

I know a couple like that pallisers. They don’t send their children to boarding school but my friend doesn’t speak English and can’t read it, so can’t help her children with homework I’d imagine but her husband is a banker and they could certainly afford boarding school. Stop being so snippy to Roly.

Stop being so snippy to Roly.

:) Any other orders?

Oh yes, I made a rookie mistake there; I gave you something to respond to which let you conveniently ignore the main content of the post that refutes your dig at another poster.

I had a very unhappy childhood and my dream was to go to St Trinian's (from the old black and white films) they seemed to have a ball there.

I deny that these educations are “top”.

Everything you say below is about separating a child from as many non -rich people as possible. That is all. Filtering out other ordinary people and making them afraid of them.
Of course it’s about money. Skiing is sledging plus £7000. Children have music lessons and go to comps too you know.

I despise the system that bred the dysfunctional people I met at uni. I don’t know about any other aspects of boarding school.

I feel sorry for those in the military who have little choice because of their vocation but maybe things are different nowadays.

You set up a child for life by the kind of parenting you provide, not by how much money you have.

“if top education, and the connections you can make at a school/uni like that, can be the difference between a child doing one career and having a range of opportunities, and something quite different. And kids DO remember material things, like nice holidays or skiing lessons or advantages like music lessons and new technology/cool clothes/spending money.

It's very very far from being all about money. but it's also not being entirely honest to say that kids simply don't care at all whether they have those things or not.

I loved my parents to bits, but if I look back at my fondest memories from childhood/being a teenager, it's not all wholesome family time and nothing else. I remember the amazing holidays that we had; I remember the brilliant times I had with my friends at school and sneaking out to the pub or into clubs or other illicit activities; I remember the day I passed my driving test and was given a shiny red VW beetle; I remember school trips abroad... in fact until a certain age, I much preferred being out with friends to being at home!

It's a happy medium with many different right and wrong answer

I’m not sure I agree that the education is better, and that even if it is that is a priority over a family life.

Op...it could be argued you have done your children a disservice by being in a low paid job, or that you are selfish by wanting to keep them at home with you rather than doing your utmost best to give them a good education and learn to be independent. It's just different strokes for different folks that's all.

April
Why do you think boarders don't have a family life?
the education is second to none in our experience, but that doesn't necessarily have to be the typical maths English and other academic subjects.
Some dc go for other subjects that couldn't be found at that level otherwise.

OP Can we just leave it? I know parents who have to box and cox shifts just to provide for their children and rely on their friends and if lucky, relatives to cover some breaks and weekends. Some have to work away from home. They are hardly earning thousands and are in rental and still love their children to bits. They are not sending their children to boarding school but just trying to keep life, soul and love for their children together.

So - as some PPs have pointed out - you may love your children but do what's best for them which may not be keeping them at home.
One of my DCs went to boarding school on a scholarship because it gave them a better chance at their specialty. The other didn't. Both are doing equally well, both equally loved and both happy.