How can you let your child go to boarding school?

[Jerem]

I’m going to get flamed probably by the people who send their child to boarding school full time ..

But how could you?
How can you let other adults care for your child? Why did you send them away? Why have children and not have them in your home, give them their tea, talk everyday face to face. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t.

Anyone care to explain how you can send your child to live elsewhere without you??

The thing that makes me wonder though, is quite often it is suggested here that older children need you more as they get older to navigate the problems that teenagers face.

I cut my working hours when mine were teens. In my experience, they absolutely need you more in those years.

This thread was and is designed to be deliberately provocative set up by someone who was (IMHO) up for a fight.

You cannot discuss the merits and demerits of boarding for all children in all phases of their education within one goady thread. The case and reasoning for boarding in the 7-11 age group is inevitably very different to those in the 13-18 (the more common) age group. Within both of those are the nuanced implications of flexi, weekly and full-time boarding (and consequently an understanding of the rhythm of boarding schools).

I find it bizarre how some people can be so adamant either for or against it.

Not every child is the same.

Not every family is the same.

Not every school is the same.

You do what's right for your own family - and that's it!

Palisers - conversely that's precisely the age when my friends who went to boarding school begged to be allowed to go.

My ex's father was the headmaster of one of the famous British boarding schools. He didn't need to board because his family had the headmaster's house - but he was so jealous of the ones who did. He said they had a great time and then went home at the weekend.

Horses for courses!

One of the fallacies is that boarding school provides something superior, special and unique.
.
This is just the class system perpetuating itself.

In fact, my education at a comprehensive school was every bit as special and unique.

When I ended up at posh-college posh-uni, I was surrounded by boarding school alumni. They argued that they had had a special, unique, privileged intense experience.

I tried to go along with this, after all, who was I to argue?
But it was nonsense. Their experiences were remarkably similar to each other (though they were obsessed with the tiny differences between their schools and my head got filled with all sorts of unimportant crap about the details and they expected me to remember though they remembered nothing about mine). And the experiences seemed rather impoverished, like having seven years at scouts camp instead of doing two weeks at scouts camp then other things as well.

It seemed no coincidence that they crowded round the tv to watch Neighbours every day.

They were terrified of and abusive towards the local population (not St Andrews but the other northern uni that’s just as bad). It was bizarre.

They had been brought up to believe they were separate. That was the defining feature of their education. And that doesn’t tend to be good for people.

My own children’s experience at the comp on our street and with the neighbours’ children is just as intense, and very positive.

My own experience was very intense (and rather negative).

Appreciate that many parents have no choice and that boarding has changed, but this 1980s style boarding was really weird.

I think them needing you more as they get older is interesting.
Our schools are poor round here, that isn't the reason for dd boarding btw.
However, I must admit that a lot of worry about the teen years just doesn't exist with dd, whereas with her siblings it was constant.
No issues with cover teachers, teachers fire fighting and locked in cupboards, easily accessible drugs, smoking, vandalism, peer pressure, and trying to teach them when they came home having not learned anything.
i'm not saying that kids that board never do drugs, smoke, become pregnant, vandalise or any of the other stuff I mentioned, but it's far less as they can be expelled. State schools have to provide an education if the parents want this, private can pick and choose.

I gave up work to look after my kids.

I fucking hate it when people make a judgement about me for doing that so I tend not to make judgements about what other parents do with their kids (outside of abuse, neglect etc).

Understanding that you don't HAVE to understand other's motives if their actions don't affect you is called being a grown up.

One of the fallacies is that boarding school provides something superior, special and unique

It's not a fallacy. It very much can provide all of those things. Doesn't always, but it certainly can.

@Mookatron you make excellent points. And you have my admiration for being a full time parent, I think it’s the most demanding job of them all.

Thanks @Corblimeyguv!

Whether you're right or not on the SAHP thing I won't comment on, because this is a bunfight about boarding schools which could so easily turn into a bunfight about SAHPs and I've had enough of those!!

I think one of the points is that like other boarders have commented on here and various other threads that just because you "quite liked it" or "didnt mind it too much" that doesnt mean you have escaped completely unscathed. Very often when your own children reach the age you were when you boarded you realise the enormity of the decision and start to question everything.

At the end of the day, when a child has grown up, what they remember the most is not the toys and material stuff, not the education. It’s how much time did their parents have for them? How much time did they spend doing things with them.

If you have a choice to raise your children without boarding school or round the clock nannies, you are giving those kids the best gift of all. Your time and attention. Nothing shows you care and love them more.
At the end of the day, everything we do is in order to get love, approval and to feel good about ourselves.

so if you child is boarding now, and they are happy, motivated, you have wonderful family time at weekends, exeats, halfterm, long hols etc, that is wonderful. But maybe 10, 20, 30 or 40 years down the line they may realise that they missed out on something intangible which is just a normal home life - oh and being with someone who loves them every day.

In Australia people often go to boarding school if they come from a farm. Sounds fair enough to me, what else could they realistically do?

My DNeice and DNephew did this in NZ. The commute to the 'local' secondary school was 50 miles so boarding it was.

I'm not sure that's entirely true, catlady.

A top education, and the connections you can make at a school/uni like that, can be the difference between a child doing one career and having a range of opportunities, and something quite different. And kids DO remember material things, like nice holidays or skiing lessons or advantages like music lessons and new technology/cool clothes/spending money.

It's very very far from being all about money. but it's also not being entirely honest to say that kids simply don't care at all whether they have those things or not.

I loved my parents to bits, but if I look back at my fondest memories from childhood/being a teenager, it's not all wholesome family time and nothing else. I remember the amazing holidays that we had; I remember the brilliant times I had with my friends at school and sneaking out to the pub or into clubs or other illicit activities; I remember the day I passed my driving test and was given a shiny red VW beetle; I remember school trips abroad... in fact until a certain age, I much preferred being out with friends to being at home!

It's a happy medium with many different right and wrong answers

yolofish

I believe you have a point and as a parent of a boarder I don't think you can be complacent that it's 100% the right decision, but speaking for myself I listen to dd, and understand what motivates her.
I really can't see another situation that would work for her or where she'd be more happy.
However, I'm well aware she will reflect on her time boarding when she is older.
What she does understand is that she can come home whenever she wants to and if it stops being a good fit she hasn't failed as she can do what she wants to from home too.

When I was fourteen me and my best friend used to sneak out and go off with the local lads on the backs of their motorbikes. We were never caught so I know lots of illicit stuff went on. She was eventually expelled for growing cannabis on blotting paper in her dorm. I used to smoke in all the secret places in the grounds from the age of 12. This was (still is) a top public school.

Public perception was nothing like the reality.

Years later my therapist said to try and understand that it was not a normal environment and the pupils were from families where the very fact they had been sent away suggested a high proportion would be from dysfunctional families, and so already damaged themselves and tend to odd or bullying or defensive behaviours.

However, I must admit that a lot of worry about the teen years just doesn't exist with dd, whereas with her siblings it was constant.
No issues with cover teachers, teachers fire fighting and locked in cupboards, easily accessible drugs, smoking, vandalism, peer pressure, and trying to teach them when they came home having not learned anything.

In fairness, Gilly, those issues you had with your other children are fairly extreme. My own kids had none of those issues but still needed more support through the teen years. well 2 of the 3 did. the youngest is a dream kidn highly motivated, happy, and successful - it has nothing to do with her school though and every thing to do with her personality. If she went to boarding school, maybe someone would attribute it to boarding.

I'm not anti-boarding for teenagers. I know some teens where the support they needed included boarding school.

Personally, I'd rather my parents made great sacrifices for me, rather than for the country.

Personally, I am bloody grateful that some adults really do make this difficult decision to do that kind of job, so I don't have to. Talk about being ungrateful.

And the OP is guilty of this too - someone has to do these difficult jobs that require long hours/living abroad. We can't all be nursery nurses and therefore, surely it is easy to see that if you have the benefits of a diverse society, then some families will make different decisions that suit their situation over yours.

Besides, just because someone gives birth or provides the sperm, doesn't mean that they are automatically the best person to raise that child, either. The narrow-mindedness on this thread is astonishing.

BTW my child doesn't go to boarding school but I am not arrogant enough to presume all parents are evil for doing so

pallisers

Oh yes, I totally agree, they are extreme circumstances.
I think our older dc missed out on so much during their teen years.
They were sporty and I lost track of the times the Police brought them home as they were out later than our local curfew.
We live in a deprived area and there isn't much for the children apart from getting into trouble, unless you are actively parenting to avoid this, it isn't easy here.
I love that dd has the opportunity for a better life and in the words of Julie Walters in educating Rita "we're all trying to sing a better song".

Jerem - OP:
"My life revolves around my children"

well. there. you. go. then.

You are one of those. my children are my life. I live through them.

Excuse me while I VOMIT.

And no, both my ds's are at the local school.
But no. I don't live through my children.

I don't have a problem with boarding schools. Both my brothers were at weekly ones then came home at weekends.
I then went to a weekly one for a short time. Because I begged my parents. Best time.
Can't understand what all these comments are re trophy kids and why have them if you are going to send them away.
Why have them? if your life is so unfulfilled in itself that you need a kid to live through?
My life is ok. I love my husband. I have a happy marriage and also close friends. I am a person in my own right. I enjoy working part time. I chose to have 2 dc. But they are people in their own right, as am I, and I don't need them to be fulfilled.

Maybe OP needs to concentrate on her own views of why people have children. Rather than focusing on why people go to boarding schools.

Because there is a lot of judgemental views here. Majorly judgemental.

Do you hate working mothers aswell? People who hire a nanny?
I never did that either. But presumably you hate them with as much vengeance, as to why they had kids and then 'palmed them off' on nursery workers or au-pair.

Why don't you trot on over to the SAHM v WOHM threads and see how you get on there.....

I let my child go to boarding school because she wanted to and because it is the right school for her.

My other two didn't want to go and it's not the right school for them, so they aren't going.

Everyone's happy. If they weren't we'd do something different.

@Oblomov18 surely most parents' lives revolve around their children. Children need you to look after them as they can't look after themselves, provide for them, set them up for a good life. Why have them if you're not willing to do this?

Surely a degree of sacrifice is needed. I'm not saying parents should give up all of their own endeavours/time, not at all, but saying that this means you 'live through them' is just silly.

Also I do need my children to be fulfilled. Not before I had them but now they're here, definitely! I could not be a fulfilled person if god forbid something happened to one of them, or if they were unhappy etc.

provide for them
Someone with a job, albeit it one that takes them away a lot, is still providing for them.
set them up for a good life
How do you define a good life? .For some, a good life will be close to home and for others, it won't be. Children are not a one size fits all.

Why have them if you're not willing to do this?

What's this? There are many reasons for having children.
Some parents who send their children to boarding school are providing for them and giving them a good life. Others who have children don't provide for them or give them a good life but still have them home with them daily because they want to. Horses for Courses.