How can you let your child go to boarding school?

[Jerem]

I’m going to get flamed probably by the people who send their child to boarding school full time ..

But how could you?
How can you let other adults care for your child? Why did you send them away? Why have children and not have them in your home, give them their tea, talk everyday face to face. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t.

Anyone care to explain how you can send your child to live elsewhere without you??

I know some children benefit from going to BS, and I wouldn't judge parents who send their children there because they want the best possible education for them. But I do think children are frequently sent away too young, which isn't good for them IMO.

I couldn't do it, though. For one thing, my DDs are adopted and have attachment issues, so they wouldn't cope. But also, I was abused at the private school I went to, so I could never trust that it wouldn't happen to my DDs. It's happened to a lot of people historically. Obviously people are more aware now, and there are safeguards in place, but the anxiety would still be there.

However, this is a thread about boarding school and if it’s upsetting you so much and bringing up traumatic memories relating to court ordered contact with your mother/your relationship with your grandparents (all of which is irrelevant to the topic being discussed) then you might be better staying off the thread altogether.

I don't think it's irrelevant. I imagine some children feel as strongly about having to go to BS as I did about having to go to my mothers. I don't see how it's troubling.

It's still an unwanted separation for some kids.

I too agree with everything fuckoffee said, having been sent to boarding school myself. It wasn't dreadful, but I really don't think that anyone can know just how awful homesickness is for a young child or teenager. If you haven't been to boarding school, but have experienced it on, say, a school residential trip, think about experiencing that at the beginning of every half term and after every outing with your parents. I eventually got past the sheer, gut-clenching misery of it, but it came out in other ways, notably horrendous headaches on the first full day of every term.

I'm always seriously sceptical about people who claim that their child loves boarding school. In the majority of cases this is either parents deceiving themselves or children doing what fuckoffee reports, i.e. claiming that they love it to keep their parents happy. Contemporaries of mine at school who say they loved it certainly gave no sign of that at the time they were there. If a child really loves school more than home, that's desperately sad in itself.

I just struggle to believe that every parent is coming at it from a "best for the child" point of view, or aren't trying to make up for emotional detachment with money and academia, or would pull their DC out if they realised it wasn't working for them. I struggle to believe that it's only well-adjusted want-to-be-there kids that go to BS.

Of course every parent isn't coming at it from the "best for the child" point of view. As I said, out of the 5 people I know who went to BS, one of them was sent purely because his parents were too busy living a jet set lifestyle and that messed him up for life. However, the other 4 were sent because it was best for the child.

As I said, out of the 5 people I know who went to BS, one of them was sent purely because his parents were too busy living a jet set lifestyle and that messed him up for life

And that 1/5 is what I'm talking about, not everyone else who it worked for, which is why I don't understand some of the responses which seem to think I'm slating all BS families.

Fuckoffee I have never before read such an eloquent and utterly spot on reasoned description of boarding school life and it's effects.

And you quite liked it.

I was bullied from age 9 by the dormitory head. I have no idea why but it was torment beyond description, went on day and night (yes, in bed, think torches and the worst sorts of things you can think of), and the other girls were gathered round as too scared to say anything to stop it, as was I. She had all the power and I was ostracised for 3 full years by everyone (sent to Coventry) and the effects are lifelong.

Along with that my parents were too busy (no idea what they were doing) to visit for the 2 Sundays either side of half term that we were allowed out. I went to family friends at half term - again, no idea why I couldn't go home or stay with parents for the weekend somewhere near the school.

I know my boarding school experience is perhaps not typical. This was in the 1960s at a top UK public school. I am sure it has changed beyond all recognition, but I had a truly terrible time with no escape when lessons ended or weekends came around. It was relentless, and although no one would ever guess from my life today and the way I am around people, it had a profound effect.

My son has boarded since he was 8. This was not plan A; but a combination of choosing the school which would best suit him and all of the other family dynamics made this the best choice. I have never met a boarder's parent who has not thought carefully about whether it is the best thing for their child, in all the relevant circumstances.

I do not believe that I, as a parent, am perfect. It is good for my child to have other influences; and boarding means that he is exposed to those other influences. He can learn to think for himself outside our particular family culture and develop interests which we do not have. He has made really close friends from all over the world. He is independent and self-reliant. He (an only child) has learned to live in a community and to be considerate of others. He is happy and has had an enormous amount of fun.

Of course, we miss him terribly and would much prefer to have him at home with us; but this wouldn't be what is best for him

I was given the opportunity to go to board at 6 and it was the best decision my parents could have made for me. I don't think it has messed me up, I am grateful for the sacrifice they made. Sitting in judgement of peoples parenting choices is bizarre. Think about how much time your kids are out of the house being cared for by teachers, do the three hours between school and bedtime really mean that you are a better parent?

I also think some parents make it clear to their children just how much they've sacrificing in order to send them to BS. I wasn't a boarder, but my parents went on telling me how much it was costing them, working all hours etc.

I also wanted to go initially, because I was being bullied at my previous school, so I saw it as a chance to get away from that.

I therefore didn't feel able to tell my DM just how unhappy I was there. Because they kept on about how they'd moved me there to help me.

So no, you should be wary of taking your children's word for it that they're happy.

**For me, it’s one thing if your family life is destabilised by military service.

Another thing if you’d just rather not have the kids around....**

^This

I personally think that if you choose to have her children then you should bring them up yourself. I can't understand how having a child live full time at boarding school means you are raising them - if they are far away you only see them in the holidays, that's not raising a child!

I know numerous people who have boarded and it's always been because of 'tradition' in the family. It's what they've always done. One friend hated it but wouldn't hesitate to send their own children though she can't articulate why.

Another friend lived a ten minute walk from school and was still sent to board which to me is inconceivable.

I do understand it more when the child is older ie sixth form, or if they're from a military background.

I wanted to go to boarding school as I was desperate to go to a certain school which was full boarding only. I had read a lot of Mallory Towers books and wanted a big adventure.

My parents supported me and I am so grateful for the sacrifices they made to do so. I thrived at school and my relationship with them is still incredibly close.

I wouldn't like to, even if they were in the same country, I would miss them too much.

My daughter is a day student at an independent school, and there are a lot of boarders there, most international. There are different reasons, quite a few of them are there to learn English, a few (that I know of) have parents who travel a lot due to their jobs.

It is a new school and they have a different way of approaching learning, also it is not solely based on academic achievement, so although learning is very important and they are encouraged, they are not constantly pressured to attain the best results as some schools are (my daughter is not very gifted with academic work, she is average but she actually really enjoys working now which she didn't before which is bringing her marks up) also some of their curriculum is based on learning outside of the school.

There is also a family atmosphere, amongst the boarders, the day students and the staff. Some of the students went back home last year and they were very upset to be leaving and the other students were very upset for them to be going (to the point of them running after the bus as they were leaving the grounds so they could keep saying 'bye' to them)

Sorry went off on one a bit there. Some of my daughter's friends are international students and although they do miss their family, they are happy. Some students are really not happy at boarding school but I think this is made better/worse depending on what the school is like. I should imagine if they are constantly under pressure thinking they may get bad results and disappoint their parents, or that they may even get expelled for bad results (there is another independent school very close to us that is like that) they may not be as happy.

Just read @Fuckoffee post that is exactly what I observe in my friend's family, who I have spent a lot of time around. Such a shame.

Think about how much time your kids are out of the house being cared for by teachers, do the three hours between school and bedtime really mean that you are a better parent?

Three hours? My children wake at 6am and go to school at 9am, they get out of class at 3:10 and go to bed at 8:30. So that's 8 hours and twenty minutes.

Now granted, some of that is playing out or at a club but the time is available to be at home if needed or desired. That's 41 hours and 40 minutes.

Now, your argument might be that it's time that's spent more productively or interestingly in boarding school, or whatever. And that's fine. But the idea that most parents spend three short hours with their children per day can't just sit there uncontested, as though that would be typical.

That's 41 hours and 40 minutes. (Over the five school days)

Ds who is at a local school gets up at 7.30am. Leaves the house at 8.25am. At school by 8.40am. Supposed to finish at 3.15am but usually has after school stuff til 4.30pm. Home by 5.00pm. Most nights he’s then off out at drama/dance etc or up in his room. Home by 9.30-10pm & straight to bed.

Fair enough Alexander, I suspect my children are younger than yours and we'll move to something closer to that when they get older.

I do think that my objection to boarding school is mostly around younger children, who would spend more time at home otherwise.

The thing that makes me wonder though, is quite often it is suggested here that older children need you more as they get older to navigate the problems that teenagers face.

I'm at a disadvantage because we aren't there yet. My instinct is that that's unlikely but then, what do I know, before I had my first baby I thought they slept 16hrs a day - so I'm reluctant to roll on my feelings alone.

Yesterday 23:57 acquiesce

Why have kids so someone else can raise them?

You do still raise your children when they go to boarding school! They just spend a bit longer with other people. It’s very far from total abandonment.

My DS13 is at boarding school. The reason being is because he got a 94% bursary but one of the conditions is he has to board. I am a single mother working full time and would not be able to afford his amazing education any other way. It is quite local so I see him around 3 times a week and he has a leave weekend every 3 weeks plus long holidays. I really miss him, of course I do, but the opportunity was too good to miss. He loves it. Hangs out with his mates 24/7 without me nagging him 😂

Dd’s School is full of kids whose parents never in a million years would have thought they’d be sending their kids off to board.

When your child has a talent younger siblings are also an issue.

We considered day school for dd as she'd gone from being at home, with a parent ft to boarding.
She wouldn't have it as didn't want to miss out, and she'd be coming home at gone 9pm to go to bed, then out @6.30 the next day.
That's no life, this way she gets everything done including seeing her friends all week,
When she's at home it's family time and the long holidays are brilliant.
She has no friends round here, so there's no worry about getting in with the wrong crowd, something friends worry about with their dc round here.
If it doesn't work out and she's not happy she can come home, we'll H.ed again, no big deal. Mine is only there because she wants to be though, it was all her idea.
Some of us really don't get much say in the matter.

My children have always led busy lives. But they are home most days. I can talk to them and judge how they are every day. They can cuddle the animals. Touch base. They can be part of every day family life. Spend some time every day with someone who loves them. And that is worth more than anything they cold get from boarding school.

really interesting post @fuckoffee

This stood out to me:

I didn’t want to let them down, to disappoint them and to fail.