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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
PorkFlute · 06/03/2018 19:47

The op didn’t know what had gone on and she didn’t find out before choosing to have one boy left out while the rest of the class received invitations in front of him. That is really nasty behaviour from an adult imo.
And the op said her son wanted the other boy to stop the game NOT that he communicated it. So the ‘mean’ boy wasn’t a mind reader basically.
This thread shows why schools don’t take bullying as seriously as they should as some parents are so keen to cry bullying without knowing the facts (not including the op in that as she never said it was bullying herself).

Allthewaves · 06/03/2018 19:54

No way should u have let him take them into school and hand them out. So you let your chilld become the bully by lording it over the one boy that he wasn't invited.

Weebo · 06/03/2018 20:54

I think the word bully has lost all meaning for a lot of people on this thread.

JoesNanny · 06/03/2018 21:02

Sorry tbh - I haven’t read the whole thread but I don’t feel like I need to. It’s your son’s Birthday and he can invite who he likes. If someone has been picking on him and making him feel like rubbish, then they have no place at your son’s Birthday party. He needs to have the best day without being on edge with what the spiteful boy will do to him! Ignore the teacher (I wouldn’t I’d tell her straight) and also ignore the stupid comments on here that say you’re being spiteful - you’re not!!! Hope your son enjoys his special day.

JoesNanny · 06/03/2018 21:05

Ha ha maybe I should have read the whole thread after all :) Sorry!

Shrimpy1234 · 06/03/2018 21:06

Actually @joes it transpires that the excluded boy hadn’t really been picking on him. The OP spoke to the child’s mother and upon hearing the full story, extended the invite to him.

JoesNanny · 06/03/2018 21:14

Thanks. My original point still stands and I’m happy with what I said but in this case yes best to invite all.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/03/2018 22:09

This thread really takes the biscuit for people being deliberately obtuse, and projecting their own situations into what's actually happening.

Luckily the OP is a reasonable person, who bothered to delve into it a little bit.

Lymmmummy · 07/03/2018 17:27

You can really invite whoever you want - I hate this idea you have to invite kids your child doesn’t want there

That said it may have been seen as more diplomatic to have invited two thirds or three quarters of the boys and say leave a few more out rather than just leaving one out

RyanGladwin · 07/03/2018 17:40

I say it's your son's decision. Why on Earth would he want someone at his party, his day, who isnt nice . If as adults we was throwing a party we wouldn't invite people we don't like would we

sallythesheep73 · 07/03/2018 17:45

I used to coerce my daughter into inviting all classmates but you wouldn't expect to invite an adult you don't like so why make your child do it? If you are inviting the whole class then fair enough to invite the PITA but you are only inviting half of the class anyway ;-).

olbndansmummy · 07/03/2018 17:49

When ds was reception age, now age 10, he was in a very small reception class of 14, one boy had a whole class party, but didn't invite my ds. Every Child was excited and my poor boy was in bits every day for a couple if weeks. Very very upsetting for us all. School knew because the reception teacher put all the invitations in their bags, but I didn't expect them to intervene, it's an outside school issue. Sorry op don't agree with that. Btw my son was not a bully or nasty or mean, the bully was invited to the party!!

Pgs007 · 07/03/2018 17:51

U and ur son can invite whoever u want? I won't be inviting 1 of the girls from my daughter's class because she's mean and tries to get her own way all the time, annoys my daughter, there's only 10 girls

Smollenski · 07/03/2018 17:58

A couple of years ago my youngest had to apologise to another boy - previously in his class - when he admitted he'd got into trouble by inventing some or other fisticuffs.

Because there was some history between the two of them we all, including the teachers and the other boy's parents, believed my son and the other boy was punished. They were around 8 at the time. My son just didn't like him, and the feeling was mutual, but there really was no excuse for my son to make something up like that.

I'm not saying that's the case here, but it made me realise that even 8 year old boys can be rather Machiavellian and twist things.

Oh, and my son now wants to go into politics.

SquiffyatTiffanys · 07/03/2018 17:59

Well OP I understand this completely and I really messed it up. My son was in Y4 when this came up and the kid was an awful bully and everyone tried to avoid him. I was put under pressure by the staff to invite him so i did. My son wasn’t happy and i felt like i had let him down. I was warned/ told by other parents that we would have to have an adult watching this child all day. ANway in the week run up to the Saturday the little horror piled it on and punched and hit my son and two others (different times) and bullied him etc. So i had to disinvite him and tell the mother why which was 100 times worse. Stick to your guns and leave him out. These things are always forgotten very quickly.

Darkangel1976 · 07/03/2018 18:05

I really wouldn't feel badly about it , you gave your son a certain number of people he was allowed to invite ,
It was his choice who he want's to invite ,
it's nothing to do with the teacher ,
Are any of the girls in the class complaining at not being invited ?

Going forward though I would advise to invite the boy for tea and try and see if you can help them build a friendship or a at least a truce

hayleycappo · 07/03/2018 18:06

This makes me so sad. I have been on the receiving end of this. My daughter excluded. As a parent it was so upsetting, trying everything I could to help her behaviour. How do you know the boy doesn’t have spectrum issues or other things going on you don’t know about. Just awful to exclude one child. That’s what he is, a child! All children can be mean at some time in their life. If he’s mean, be kind. That’s the lesson.

Sparkerparker · 07/03/2018 18:09

Exclusion is pure bullying. What a bad example. Be the bigger person.

Lizzie48 · 07/03/2018 18:10

This isn't a case of bullying, though, @SquiffyatTiffanys the boy in question hasn't done anything like the boy you're talking about. It's not the same. Obviously in your case you had to uninvite that boy.

Truthstar · 07/03/2018 18:10

Would you invite 29 people from work to a party but not invite that one person you dont like?

If so you're mean.
If not, then why let your son do this?

loolabec · 07/03/2018 18:11

My son has been excluded from a party before (him and one other boy - the class has 13 boys) and it’s not nice. Unfortunately, there’s a mum of a boy in their class who thinks my DS and his friend are a bad influence/ naughty etc. I understand that this view has spread via her to some other mums and now, they are being excluded from parties/ not invited on play dates etc. My DS is sometimes rude and could behave better, but he is kind and basically, a good boy, tarred with a bad brush, because of one mum. You have to be very careful about judging children and labelling someone “mean” or “naughty” etc. They are children - developing beings that make mistakes and can be different one day to the next. In your case, it does sound like that boy bullied your son (pushing him to the ground isn’t cool). But maybe he thought it was a game? Some bits do that to their friends and they all find it hilarious. Whatever the circs, you leaving him out makes you no better. He is 9 and you are a grown up. You could be the bigger person in this situation and explain to your son why you have still invited this other boy. He might grow up to be a totally fine individual. Parents are very quick to judge other people’s children on a whim.

Lizzie48 · 07/03/2018 18:14

The OP has said the boy is invited now, the thread has moved on.

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2018 18:22

Why can't people at least read the OP's posts?

It's not hard...

This is one of the few threads where the OP has:
Done something
Had second thoughts
Asked opinions
Taken them on board
Taken action
Resolved the situation
Admitted she hadn't handled it the best way

Everyone's happy

All is well.

LadyRenoir · 07/03/2018 18:25

FUnny how the teacher probably does nothing about the bullying issue, but would like to force you to invite him to a party, hehehe.

sabs22 · 07/03/2018 18:30

It’s your sons party and if he doesn’t want to invite someone then he shouldn’t have to, whether they are mean to him or not! 9 is old enough to start learning life lessons and that includes not wanting to be friends with everyone, and not wanting everyone to be your friend! If this boy is being mean to your son then hopefully he will learn there are co sequences!
I don’t personally feel it has anything to do with the teacher. However the way I see it in schools is that the ‘bad’ kids tend to be the ones that get rewarded to try and alter their behaviour, instead of being punished!