Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 13 14 15

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:

Loobylu44 · 07/03/2018 18:35

I was a reception class teacher for many years and also have six of my own children. I would never have emailed a parent as your sons teacher did, it may have felt awkward in class but they were pretty silly to have got involved. Teachers have enough to do without this. I wouldn’t expect any of my children to invite children that they didn’t like to party or be invited if they weren’t liked. That’s life isn’t it? The school ethos or whatever has nothing to do with your personal life or family. Perhaps the school would like to email those parents who smoke? Or those who don’t wash every day? Or those who don’t eat healthily? Or those who have a blue car? Emailing about your child’s party invites crosses a line in my opinion.

perfectstorm · 07/03/2018 18:36

READ THE THREAD

OP - you sound an ace person, and parent. Glad this has been resolved so happily for all sides (and also glad to hear your son isn't being bullied, too!).

2ManyChoices · 07/03/2018 18:37

If any of my kids expressed a need to exclude a classmate from their party, I would follow their wishes!! Life isn't always getting your own way and being 8 and choosing your friends to invite is brill. Being mean to classmates has consequences and mean kids need to see that.

Sozzler · 07/03/2018 18:37

Obviously we don't know all the information but the thought of leaving one boy out whilst inviting the rest makes me feel really sad. There could be many reasons why this boy is mean such as issues at home, behavioural difficulties, being bullied himself at some point etc. I personally feel that excluding him like this could really affect his self esteem and also escalate issues between him and your son. However, inviting him gives you a chance to monitor how things are and encourage a positive realtionship between the boys. For different reasons I always felt excluded at school. It was really horrible and something that has stayed with me my whole life. I haven't read the full thread so if you haven't already, I truly hope you have a change of heart and invite this child to the birthday party.

Lillithxxx · 07/03/2018 18:40

I’m glad you’ve sorted it. I do think it was a pretty rotten thing to do without establishing the full truth to be honest. I’m sad to say the non-invitation was bullying as it was aimed to upset and isolate a child. My teen son has been genuinely bullied for 7 months now. I wish his school had the same guts as your child’s teacher.

Zbag · 07/03/2018 18:41

Yanbu. Kids need to learn that their actions have consequences. You cant be mean to someone then expect an invite to their birthday party.

Kristen16 · 07/03/2018 18:42

when I was little I remember crying to my mother not to have to invite the girl in class who was mean to me. My mother was uncertain about doing it, but in the end agreed with me. She got told off by the girl's mother for excluding her, but she protected me. So I think you did the right thing. Regardless, it's a tough situation.

loolabec · 07/03/2018 18:43

“The thread has moved on”... it’s a really long thread and only just picked up quickly from email - sorry for not reading THE WHOLE THING. Pleased it has reached a resolution.

AimeeNoOneTheSamee · 07/03/2018 18:46

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. What’s the “school’s motto” regarding one child being the target of another’s mean nature. Perhaps he’ll think twice about the way he treats people from now on.

Sillybilly1234 · 07/03/2018 18:48

I'm with you OP. He might think about his behaviour now. You just need to watch that he doesn't get worse.

Charolais · 07/03/2018 18:56

I would have invited the little shit and then sorted him out at the party.

Once the boys in my son's class were horrible to him and I told them if they did it again I was going to ‘beat the shit out of them’. Even their parents laughed about it. (Dad - Mum, Mrs. Charolais said she’d going to beat the shit out of me if I call junior a ..... again). All in good humor, and they were really good kids and everyone got along great.

MirriVan · 07/03/2018 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wearebananas · 07/03/2018 19:01

This has happened to my son before. It really hurts his feelings. He’s not “the mean kid” - just quiet at school. Your son has the right to exclude a child but it does have an impact on those left out. Sorry.

TheIcon · 07/03/2018 19:07

@sizzles See, we do know all the information. As would you if you had the common sense to read the full thread before commenting on something that you clearly don't know about because you're too eager to have your say before, you know, actually reading.

MyFavouriteChameleon · 07/03/2018 19:07

Once the boys in my son's class were horrible to him and I told them if they did it again I was going to ‘beat the shit out of them’.
You should get help, it would be a shame if your DCs grew up to think its OK for an adult to talk to a little boy like that.

MyFavouriteChameleon · 07/03/2018 19:28

Would you invite 29 people from work to a party ..
Christ no, that sounds awful !

FUnny how the teacher probably does nothing about the bullying issue, but would like to force you to invite him to a party, hehehe.
There was no bullying tho, many people decided there was, based on not much info, but every disagreement between 2 kids doesn't have to be one of them bullying the other - and the OP has done a far better thing by helping her DS sort out a misunderstanding, than she would by labelling a child as 'a bully', and therefore her DS as a sort of helpless victim

Sozzler · 07/03/2018 19:29

@TheIcon I was responding to the initial post which I made clear in my comment by saying I didn't know all of the information (admittedly I mis-typed and it should have read I not we) and I hadn't read the whole thread. I have three children and don't have time to sit here on the internet reading people's comments all evening. I rarely ever post anything on here as it seems there is always someone wanting to start an argument as soon as you do. The initial post said all boys bar one had been invited and so I offered my opinion on this in a polite and non judgemental way, what is the problem with this?

TheIcon · 07/03/2018 19:34

Because it's pointless discussing something that has become irrelevant. Reading the thread (or the Ops posts) before chiming in makes the whole thing more readable for everyone.

It's not just you, by the way, but your misstep about the information we had was the biggest couldn't be arsed to read the thread statement I've seen in ages.

MyFavouriteChameleon · 07/03/2018 19:35

This thread reminded me that my DM insisted I invite 2 girls who were mean from school, to several parties, so they weren't left out (they were bigger and older then me, and I was quite scared of them).
It was fine, they behaved, everyone got on better with cake and party games, and it did me no harm. I think she did the right thing, because they were just little girls with limited social skills, not evil monsters, and I know they grew up to be perfectly nice people.

HeavyLoad · 07/03/2018 19:44

i will never forget being in reception class or Y1 when all the girls in the class had had birthday parties (looking back the majority of the class were from comfortable backgrounds) and my birthday was one of the last in the school year. There was one girl I didn't invite (I'm sure there were others too and boys but possibly ones I never played with) and she asked me why I didn't invite her, i told her it was because she hadn't invited me to her party. She said she hadn't had a birthday party and had just gone to macdonalds with her parents. I remember being shocked that a child wouldn't have a party - what a spoilt, shelteted brat I must have been! I later learnt that her family had huge money problems and she ended up leaving suddenly as her dad who was the treasurer of the PTA took the blue peter fete money - My mum told me this after I asked why I never got a blue peter badge!!

Anyway, I have always felt guilty about being so narrow-minded not to invite someone for that reason - she must have been really upset to be excluded. I will always encourage my children to be wholly inclusive now. Funny the thing that stick with you from such a young age.

SmallBlondeMama · 07/03/2018 19:50

I would NOT force him to invite that boy! Too bad so sad for him. Maybe be a nicer kid! So sick of these parties where every kid needs to get invited. I always ask my boys to choose 5 or 6 of their best friends and don't even think twice about it. I'm sure they don't get invited to every party either which is fair.

emmakc1977 · 07/03/2018 19:54

Good on the teacher, wish ours would do this. I can’t believe u singled one child out. My son wanted to do this as there was a boy he didn’t get on with but we had a chat about how sad he would feel if he was the only child not invited and he agreed to invite him but to be fair, even if I’d not talked him round I would have made him or told him to drop some others so as not to single anyone out. That poor child!

lolalola19 · 07/03/2018 19:58

Your child can invite whoever he wants - if the boy is mean then hopefully this will teach him a lesson!

PinkCrystal · 07/03/2018 20:03

Yanbu

Sozzler · 07/03/2018 20:19

@TheIcon It is not a case of not being arsed, I just honestly don't have the time to sit here and read through the whole thread. I am not an avid Mumsnet user so don't know how or even if it is possible to read the OP's following comments without trawling through everyone elses. I recieved an email about this topic and briefly read through the first couple of pages. As there were several people who seemed to advocate excluding one child from an entire gender stream of the class and because this issue holds particular personal significance to me I felt compelled to comment my own perspective and experience of this matter. However, I now know not to bother in the future and to leave commenting to those lucky Mums and Dad's who can find the time to read through the entirety of these threads.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 13 14 15