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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Private school

110 replies

Shiningbrightly1 · 04/03/2018 09:25

Name changed for this....

Please hit me with your pros and cons of private school for people who are "working class" I hate to even talk about a "class" but it's the only way I can think to describe it. We would be scrimping and saving to put our 1 DS through private school nursery with a view to him continuing through the school years there too. We'd have family support both with the decision and financially but I'm worried about coming across as a snob to our other family and friends, and I'm worried our DS will get bullied because he is not going to be in the latest trainers with the latest iPhone etc etc in the future. Is private school really like This? My husband is hesitant about this idea but I think we're using our own views and pre conceived ideas as a negative. So torn. DS is 1 so nursery planning is upon us and thinking further ahead to schooling. So AIBU to want to send my DS to nursery and then school via a private school??

OP posts:
spiderbabymum · 04/03/2018 09:27

Why not just state Nursery and Primary. ? That’s what we have done . Perfectly good here : then save and look at private for secondary .... which is what we are looking a doing

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 09:29

Just wondering why you're not considering state for primary?

BangingOn · 04/03/2018 09:31

I think it depends on the school. DS is in private pre-prep and the majority of the families there are average earners who make big sacrifices to send their children there. Most of his friends live in average 3 bedroom properties and many don’t go abroad on holiday as parents are prioritising school fees.

user1493413286 · 04/03/2018 09:36

I think you’d have to chose your school carefully as at some schools the children will have parents who earn so much that it’ll be hard for the children to understand each other’s lives whereas at other schools there will be children exactly the same as yours.
I’d also factor in possible increased costs of uniform compared to state schools and that the extra curricular activities and trips are likely to be costly but again if you do your research you’ll find some schools aren’t like that.
You might get some different views from your family members but that’s not the end of the world and if you’re doing what you think is best then you’ll just need to shrug it off.

easypeasylife · 04/03/2018 09:43

I do wonder why masses of "ordinary parents" feel the need to make huge sacrifices that is going to massively affect their quality of life to send their DC privately?

TroubledLitchen · 04/03/2018 09:48

Ultimately this needs to be about what’s best for your DS, rather than what friends/family think.

Chose your school carefully and make sure it’s the right fit for him. If you’re worried about the wealth of other pupils you could look for somewhere that offers a large(r) number of bursaries/scholarships. And if you do decide to go private, make sure you’re definitely set to cover the fees (they will only increase as your DS gets older) and don’t forget about the higher cost of uniform and trips.

I hate the whole class debate but from my experience, more of my day school classmates’ fathers were wealthy builders than traditional professionals. My DH boarded and most of his fellow pupils were from outside the UK.

Good luck with making your decision!

minipie · 04/03/2018 09:49

Private school nursery certainly not worth scrimping and saving for

Private primary school - depends what state options are available to you. Some state primaries are excellent others aren't. (same with private primaries).

Have you looked around the local private and state primaries?

minipie · 04/03/2018 09:51

As regards not having the latest trainers and iphone - there will always be some kids who have these and some who don't, in both private and state.

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 04/03/2018 09:51

Every child and every school is different but I can tell you that my own experience, as a working class child who went to a private school on a scholarship, was not good. I stood out because I didn't have designer clothes/shoes and I realised very quickly that I needed to put on a "posh" accent as even some of the Teachers made fun of the way I spoke. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be myself.
Because I knew that my parents (even with the scholarship) were making massive sacrifices for my education I felt immense pressure to achieve. The feeling of not being good enough, of not belonging or being "worthy" intensified as I got older. I became very anxious and developed an Eating Disorder.

IdaDown · 04/03/2018 09:53

Depends on the school.
There’s a real mix at DS’s prep - from very ‘normal’ families who work in building trades, through professional types to Russian millionaires (and a Chinese billionaire!).

Most of us moan when we get the brown envelope Grin

Most use and love the second hand uniform shop. Everyone’s outdoor clothes and trainers are typically ripped and worn - nobody cares. Cars are a mix again. I’ve never found any divide in the kids/parents based on money.

A few things to consider

  1. The extras add up. Music, extra drama, flexi boarding, film nights etc...
  2. If you decide to go state for primary and indie senior - check the admissions requirements for the seniors. Dates of application. What age they go, either 11 or 13. If 13, can you supplement the curriculum as these will be CE schools. Does the senior school have a different admissions route ie no Latin test for state applicants?
  3. If you go indie all through, will you go day or boarding for senior. Boarding is now averaging £36k basic fees these days.
andijustthought · 04/03/2018 09:53

I agree with PPs

Send him to a private secondary school

Lethaldrizzle · 04/03/2018 09:53

Surely you should be teaching your child resilience whatever type if school they go to. Who cares if they have the latest gadgets and fashion. They need to carve out their own path in life and that also does not mean private school is best.

Original poster
Shiningbrightly1 · 04/03/2018 09:54

Thanks all.we are considering all options in terms of normal nursery and state primary etc.but I'd hate to send him to state primary then move him to private secondary and him lose his school friends and have to start afresh? I know he probably would anyway but generally a lot of kids go to the same secondary as most of their friends that they went to primary with. We're just torn I want him to have a really good education but we do have nice state school around here too. I'm just not sure where to start or how to decide.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shiningbrightly1 · 04/03/2018 09:55

I agree Lethal and hopefully he will be tough and confident and not bothered by that material crap but at the moment I don't know how he'll be when he's older so thinking of the pros and cons

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 09:57

If you have good states primary schools I would send him there. Save for secondary. Don't worry too much about him not knowing anyone. They don't necessarily stay friends with those they've known from primary anyway.

Sevendown · 04/03/2018 09:58

It’s no use just saying ‘private school’ they are as different from each other as state schools.

Do a thread on the particular school you are considering.

There a huge difference from being WC at a bog standard day independent and somewhere like Eton!

Fakeplasticcheese · 04/03/2018 09:58

What would be your motivation for private education?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 09:58

State not states!

Socksey · 04/03/2018 09:59

Private nursery may well be the same price as a childminder (for us it was actually much less) and if you can afford the primary fees it may well be worth it depending on what other schools are available locally.... as a previous poster mentioned, the demographic of the school is something to consider regarding how the child will view different affordability 're parties etc.... I had my DS in a local independent whete the parents (for the main) had incomes similar to mine, so surprisingly lots of teachers whereas the other options would have been a bad fit with many extremely rich parents.... the school ethos also suited my son.
Lots of things to consider but the decision needs to be based on what will be best for you and that may well be your local state school, many of which are better than their Ofsted reports give them credit for.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 09:59

There is usually a fair mix inc teachers kids, bursery kids etc and not all affluent parents give their kids rhe latest shit, in fact some keep them surprisingly short. So I wouldn't worry about this.

But it's a very long financial commitment to make. So I think I would think very carefully in terms of can you really afford it and the differences between the schools in your area.

Lethaldrizzle · 04/03/2018 09:59

How he will be about material things in later life is down to you now

user1498193554 · 04/03/2018 10:01

I put my son through private school from 4-11, and he’s currently at a free all boys grammar school (having passed the 11+). The sacrifices we made for the fees were huge, but so worth it- the local state schools near us are not that great, he is still friends with his junior school friends. Interestingly I am finding now the financial pressures different as his friends at school are from parents who now have more disposable income (no school fees) so appear to spend spare money on high tech gadgets/designer clothing- which is a battle in itself!
For us we made the right choice- but the scarifies were great- but worth it.
Good luck x

missyB1 · 04/03/2018 10:01

Private school nursery shouldn’t cost much more than any nursery as they usually accept the vouchers (ours do) The advantage to it is that the nursery kids get access to all the school facilities, and are often involved in the school activities.

Most parents at our school are just average hard working people, yes there are some super rich but they don’t tend to flash it around.
Do your research and find the right school for your child, we looked at a few.

As to why parents choose to do this, there are various reasons,ours was the poor quality of state primary schools in our area.

user1471596238 · 04/03/2018 10:03

I guess another option would be state schooling and private tuition if it proves necessary.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/03/2018 10:03

All private schools are not the same

Our local one tries to be posh and "old money" but still had a very "working class" celeb send her kids there, and lots of other rich working class kids. In fact WC parents seem richer than MC ones. It's the MC ones whose kids do not have the new I phone Grin

Another private school here has only kids from parents who both work, and the after school childcare works for them. It is very MC, not posh.

Just visit schools and see which ones you like, they are all different.

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