Private school

[Shiningbrightly1]

Name changed for this....

Please hit me with your pros and cons of private school for people who are "working class" I hate to even talk about a "class" but it's the only way I can think to describe it. We would be scrimping and saving to put our 1 DS through private school nursery with a view to him continuing through the school years there too. We'd have family support both with the decision and financially but I'm worried about coming across as a snob to our other family and friends, and I'm worried our DS will get bullied because he is not going to be in the latest trainers with the latest iPhone etc etc in the future. Is private school really like This? My husband is hesitant about this idea but I think we're using our own views and pre conceived ideas as a negative. So torn. DS is 1 so nursery planning is upon us and thinking further ahead to schooling. So AIBU to want to send my DS to nursery and then school via a private school??

Aren't nursery fees about the same either way? Our DC is going to a private primary in a couple of years, but the nursery is currently full so she is elsewhere until September. Fees are the same!

It will depend on the school. My dc go to an independent primary and it is not at all as you describe - the dc come from a huge variety of backgrounds and there is no competitiveness over ‘things’ that I am aware of. I think there are probably other schools where this is more of an issue. Do your homework, find a school with strong pastoral care, as the parents who choose these schools (rather than the ultra competitive, academic schools) are more likely to embody these values at home as well. I don’t think my dc have much concept of how much we have compared to other children at their school (neither do I, really). They will go onto a linked senior school with the same values - kindness being a huge focus. Choose the school carefully and your ds will be fine.

My school had a wide mix. It offered lots of bursaries so I couldn't compare to one that doesn't.
I don't think I'd bother with the nursery but I will be looking to start my (currently hypothetical) child at prep stage.

Best thing to do is to start by going round and looking at all the schools, then have a good hard look at your finances.

To counter what’s been said above... if a school has both prep and senior school, it can be much easier to get in at the prep school intake because many parents (as shown by the posts above) only consider private for 11+. I know someone who got in to a very competitive academic school at 7, but his parents opted not to send him for a number of reasons. It was still their preferred secondary pick though and when he re-sat for the senior intake (where competition for places was two-fold what it had been at the prep) he didn’t get in.

We very briefly considered private secondary for DS, we would also have had to scrimp to do it. We didn't in the end for 2 reasons.... first was like yours, there are a lot of rich kids round here and i worried he would feel bad/resentful of the things they had. Mainly though i worried about how much pressure he would feel to do well (and how much we would resent it if he didn't do well) due to spending all that money.
Seemed unfair to put that pressure on him for what would ultimately have been our choice (even if it was for his best interest iyswim)

I wouldn't worry about the friends aspect of moving state primary to private secondary. IME DC keep in touch with their old friends if they want to! (in these days of social media it's really easy). My DC have gone to secondary school with friends, but by and large they don't actually see those friends in school (different classes) so they have just made new friends and keep up with old friends out of school.

I came from a working class background and went to an independent school on a partial scholarship. I did go to a state primary school though. Because my parents weren't paying the full fees, I did have to work extra had to justify my place there. I went because my local schools weren't very good.

Positives:
Fantastic facilities.
Huge variety in subjects, sports, languages, extra curricular activities.
There was an expectation that everyone would go to university and we were given opportunities that would enhance our personal statements for applications.

Negatives:
Long days with a 50 minute commute each way.
Whilst there was no real bullying, I definitely felt poor. I was surrounded by very wealthy children. Some bragged, others didn't. Ultimately I decided not to compete, there was no point. I sought out friends who never made me feel lesser. Their parents too were generous and gracious, and I never felt anything but equal to my friends. After all, I had worked hard to get there.

I have no regrets about my parents' choice of school for me and I appreciate the sacrifices they made. I genuinely feel that my best attributes were gained there and I'm still in touch with the friends I made.

Agree with others about picking the right School, but some points to consider are whether you can afford it all the way through? Can you afford the extras (clubs, trips, uniform etc too?)

Ds school is magical and I chose it because it’s the perfect place for him. I’m a single parent living in a 3 bed semi, we went to Butlins this year for our holiday. There’s a boy in his class who lives in a castle and has his own staff, to give you the range of wealth. I would say hand on heart it doesn’t matter a jot to the kids, they don’t seem obsessed with who has what - I think when you have money there is less status attached to stuff as it’s maybe not an achievement to own it? A lot of the wealthy parents still drive bangers and wear manky old clothes!

Agree with what someone said about how everyone uses the second hand clothes shop, we all hand over outgrown uniform to friends with smaller kids, there is almost a pride in being able to pass stuff on.

Something that kills me though - the holidays are bloody long!! Ds gets 5 weeks at Easter and 10 weeks in summer 😩 half terms are regularly 10 days rather than a week. Exeat weekends are every few weeks and school closes at 2pm on the Friday. As a working single parent, juggling this is hardcore and not something I’d factored in at all.

Ok, firstly there isn’t really a black and white “ which is better” it really depends on the individual schools you are considering and the child involved
Secondly, if you are scrimping and saving then don’t do it unless there is a VERY VERY good reason why you need to. I also wouldn’t do it if I had to rely on family for help.
Thirdly, again depending on the school being working class or not incredibly wealthy shouldn’t be an issue.
I went to Private School on a scholarship and most of my friends were from pretty ordinary families, however when we considered the school for dd we decided that it had changed quite drastically and it wasn’t what we wanted for our children. The school we picked is great, most families have their own business or are Doctors, Dentists, Accountants or similar so comfortable but not Bankers or Oligarchs ( mind you we don’t have any of those in Yorkshire). We haven’t come across any snobbery and the issues around having the latest trainers are far worse at the local Comprehensive schools according to friends who’s children go there.
We opted for State Primary as we were offered a place at a good local one which allowed us to save more money and make Private Secondary much easier financially. There are also sometimes issues around children being at the same small school from age 3 or younger. When my dd started in Year 7 she was much more mature and streetwise compared to the majority of her peers. The main influence on children is from family so if you aren’t snobs and mix with a wide range of people thers no reason to think your child will be.

I'm worried our DS will get bullied because he is not going to be in the latest trainers with the latest iPhone etc etc in the future.

My experience of private school is that none of the truly wealthy kids will have these things. I can remember kids whose trousers were 4 inches above their ankles because their parents would not buy new trousers as the boys grew. And these are multi-millionaire parents at the top tier of society.

Latest trainers, latest iPhones, etc. are for the nouveau riche or the poor trying to pretend they're rich.

Just wanted to add here that different families have different priorities re use of their money - we prioritise school and travel (and admittedly, we do have some impressive sounding trips), but have a fairly modest home and our dc don’t have loads of ‘things’, we don’t have flash cars, etc. I can imagine that there are potentially more ‘flash’ kids with all the latest gear at state schools in affluent areas, as their parents have more money to spend on ‘stuff’.

I work at and have Dc in private school.

I can honestly say I don't give a shit about the personal circumstances of the other children and neither does anyone else I know. The kids don't care either. If it's a great school it will have an inclusive, community ethos.

Don't let your insecurity put you off if everything else feels right

Also, be aware that if you're stretching for the fees at early years level its only going to get worse. The fees rise eye wateringly each year.

Private schools vary wildly.

Worrying about your dc moving away from friends if you switch to private at 11 is a red herring, as you will find they don’t all continue to the same secondary anyway. And how would you know at nursery level that a particular private school will still be right for your particular kid at secondary? You could still end up moving them to somewhere more/less academic/sporty/arty etc as you have no way of knowing what will be their ‘thing’. It might be harder to be objective about which is the right school for them if you’ve bought into a particular one since kindergarten.

Our two went to nursery, state primary and private secondary. Didn't consider private for primary tbh.

Yes new friends had to be made but a lot of kids don't go to the same comp as their primary friends.

Also we've not found huge year on year increases in fees. All schools are different, the school ours go to have a huge mix of partents ( like us) who work and sacrifice holdays etc to send kids there and those who are mega wealthy.. there is no issue with this in our school probably because the mega wealthy are in the minority!

I chose to send DS to private primary/prep school. My reasons were - small class sizes and 1 to 1 time with teacher every day. Overall small school so all teachers know all the children’s names etc and it feels like a real family/community (our state option had 3 classes per year and was over 2 campuses which were 10 mins walk in between, I felt that while it was a nice school I didn’t like how large and seperate the school was). Also very oversubscribed primary places (and a shortage this year) so lots of bulge classes and also no real choice as there was no hope of getting anywhere outside the priority admissions area. Also a kind of private by house prices situation with all the well regarded schools, so looking at paying about £100,000 more for houses on the ‘right’ streets for those schools.

A big reason for not just waiting for secondary here is that we live in a Grammar area so private primary school is worth the money if it means your child is better prepared for the 11+ and you don’t have to pay for secondary. Also the Grammar schools are better than the private secondary schools here.

Ours has a mix of parents and non are super wealthy. Doctors and well off small business owners and people who work in finance in London etc. Not independently wealthy gentry types or millionaires. There doesn’t seem to be any culture of showing off or competitive spending but DS is very young still. Some parents go on holiday every school holiday but not all. We all get on well without any prying into anyone’s personal circumstances so I honestly couldn’t tell you how well off most of the parents were. I am not from a background where private school was an option or a concept that anyone even thought of, my DH went to a mix of private and state and grammar schools.

My daughter went to a private school and a lot of the other parents also struggle to pay for extras so she won’t be the only one and the others don’t seem to notice. It was the best decision ever so go for it and she will be fine.

I was sent to a private primary and secondary school. I guess it depends what your motivation is for sending the child. Is it because you feel you'd be getting a higher quality of education for them and more attention from teachers, or is it because you want them to "get on" in life and move into "better" circles? If it's the former, it can be a great move as long as they are able to make some friends they don't feel overshadowed by and inferior to. If the latter, it could be a stressful and ultimately unhappy ride for the child if the social side is all that matters. I stuck out like a sore thumb at my posh secondary school, but I found friends who did too so I got on fine. And I got some amazing opportunities at that school. But I definitely haven't "got on" socially as a result...and I'm happier for it! 😁

I went to a private school and thought we were really poor because I lived in an average house and didn't have a pony.

Our dc have been state school educated all the way. DS 2 has been in the same class as his 2 best friends throughout primary and secondary school. He has constantly moaned about the fact that his best friends have huge houses, loads of land, ponies/horses and both are from families who have second homes and several luxury foreign holidays a year whereas we have quite an average lifestyle.

If the local state schools are good, why consider private?

The thing of keeping friends all the way through is much less common in private schools. At 11 we all scattered to different schools and no one from my school went with more than about 2 people they knew. My brother had a similar experience at 7 then 12. One of the big differences for me was the size of social circle too. I went to private prep school in a class of 23 in the next town. Going about day to day I didn't happen to run into them, and everyone at brownies, dancing etc went to other schools. Whereas my DC are in state primary in a year group of 90. They see people they know in passing all the time and probably 80 of the 90 will go to secondary with them. I value that having grown up without it myself. You may not.

Anyway that"s a v roundabout way of saying you really don't need to start him in private for consistency. Moving from state to private is easier than moving the other way, so it is much more sensible IMO to start with state and only make the jump if you are sure you can afford it until they are 16 or so. Bearing in mind that secondary can easily be £15k per year or so.

My attitude is try your local school, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. You are working on the basis that private = better, and that is a judgement call not a fact. With private school it seems to me you hand your child over to be subject to whatever rules the headteacher dreams up. There are fewer checks and balances. I was hit on the head with a recorder age 6, and a child had her nose broken when a teacher threw stuff at her at my private schools. It shouldn't happen these days of course but it makes me reluctant to hand over my children into the private sector.

My children were in an independent school from nursery. We moved them out and into state schools 2 and a half years ago and they are much happier. The bullying was awful, and the attitude of a lot of the kids and parents was atrocious . The education also wasn't as good. The facilities in their current state schools are also better. We had to move to get into the catchment of a really good school, but we're so glad we did. The children are now happy, doing well, and are mixing with much nicer children.
Wish we'd done it before, but we thought we were doing the best thing for our children.

Our prep has a good number of WC families but they probably have a lot of money. Nice houses and brand new £70k 4x4s. So it’s not class that’s the issue it’s being able to afford the fees. PLEASE, PLEASE don’t assume private is necessarily better than state. It may be and it may not. If you can’t easily afford it don’t make life difficult for yourselves. What if you have another child, redundancy, illness? If there are good state options start down that route and you can move across to private at any point following. Don’t believe the hype that that aren’t always spaces going begging in private schools (with a very few exceptions and mostly London from what I read on here). They will welcome you and take your money at any time. It will be a lot harder to move from private to state if you find life is terrible for you financially. We all want the “best” for our DC but what that is isn’t the same for us all. Many posters on here are irrationally scared of state schools but don’t let them talk you into private if you know in your heart that you really can’t afford it. Sometimes the state option really is best. Good luck OP.

If you've got a good state primary, I would say paying private is a laughable waste of money.

Even for secondary, they all seem to end up at the same university anyway, whether they go private, grammar or state.

Go to plenty of open days. A good independent will use the pupils to promote themselves. A second visit during the working day is useful so you can see the children in the school environment.
Start saving now. If you have at least 2 years of fees in advance then if circumstances change you don’t have to worry about them. Ask about bursaries.
Make sure you are choosing a private education for the right reasons. I am a working mum so needed wrap around care which the School offered at no extra cost from reception. The school was right for DS, it was recommended by his nursery ( where he had been from 6mnths to 4yrs) We made a commitment and have never regretted our decision. The education DS is receiving is no different from the state education I received, but that was 40yrs ago things have changed so much.
Class size is smaller and the days are longer. Sport is taken seriously and there are plenty of extracurricular activities to suit the sporty and non sporty.
Working full time is a great way of removing yourself from the whole schoolgate pantomime. There will always be the children who seem to have everything but often it is because their parents have preconceived ideas about how the wealthy bring up their children. The vast majority are just like the rest of us, they don’t spoil their children.

Btw I was a scholarship kid at a very posh school and I wouldn't be worried about DC being looked down on by classmates. Not an issue IME. However there was a culture of believing that children at surrounding local schools were somehow rough and difficult/scary to mix with, and that being sent to state school was the worst thing that could ever happen. That "othering" of regular people is horrible and not a belief I'd want anyone to encourage in my child. Of course this is not the sort of thing teachers tell prospective parents at open days.