Private school

[Shiningbrightly1]

Name changed for this....

Please hit me with your pros and cons of private school for people who are "working class" I hate to even talk about a "class" but it's the only way I can think to describe it. We would be scrimping and saving to put our 1 DS through private school nursery with a view to him continuing through the school years there too. We'd have family support both with the decision and financially but I'm worried about coming across as a snob to our other family and friends, and I'm worried our DS will get bullied because he is not going to be in the latest trainers with the latest iPhone etc etc in the future. Is private school really like This? My husband is hesitant about this idea but I think we're using our own views and pre conceived ideas as a negative. So torn. DS is 1 so nursery planning is upon us and thinking further ahead to schooling. So AIBU to want to send my DS to nursery and then school via a private school??

I'd go for private prep with the view to applying for a scholarship or bursary for the fees now. Then for secondary school your child would be in a better position to compete for a private secondary or a grammar school place.

If you’re going to stretch yourself don’t do it. Your dc will benefit much much more by going to a state school and spending the money on life experiences for them. Unless you want them to aim for the very tip in public life or finance or law probably make no difference where they went to school ( it might in fact help them as they are seen as succeeding under their own steam) I’ve worked for all the top 4 accountancy firms. My working class background has not really distinguished me from and old Etonian etc. It’s not just the school fees it’s all the costs that go on top, lessons, trips, equipment.

Class is pretty much irrelevant in private preps, ime.
Even Tatler admits that PLU (People Like Us) can't all afford or don't necessary want to go private, and have a good schools guide for state.
Do it if you can afford it, and absolutely what Lethaldrizzle said - teach them resilience. They won't need much.

Investigate bursaries and scholarship schemes with the intended private school. Lots have schemes to help parents with fees if they're on low incomes. My cousin had all her fees paid for both of her dc & her dc are now v successful in their chosen careers.

I would point out as others have done, that there are some fantastic Independnet schools which offer something. Quite different to state schools, there are lots of good independents and there are also lots of very third rate ones.

Be careful not to decide that private just for its own sake is something to be desired. It's only ever worth it if it offers something more than the state option and where fees are considerable and will impact your family, the difference or extra it offers needs to be significant too.

So I would return to the drawing board at each and every stage of education. Rather than just deciding you want private, research all the local options, both state and private and decide at each stage which is best for your child and pocket.

Re the working class thing....all I would say is that if you and your family have no prior experience of Independnet schools, you might decide private is better than state and see private as an aspirational. It's all about gathering information and making informed choices based on exactly what is available in your area. Many parents find it hard to compare education within the state system, never mind between state and Independnet as well. Educating yourself about what to look for and questions to ask is important.

Remember, Independnet schools will be able to put on an impressive display. Their facilities should be good and they might pressure you to choose quickly and pay deposits. You need to look beyond the shiny facilities and fluff to the actual education.

And remember, many who can afford to pay, choose not to. They carry out the research mentioned above and conclude that for them in their area, the fees aren't warranted, because the state education available is perfectly good.

Private isn't always better and it's not always about class either. More and more of the middle classes are choosing not to pay, partly because some can't afford it, but also because many state schools have improved a lot.

Good schools change very quickly whether state or private.
My DC went private- catchment primary was poor and the kids struggled when they moved on- and at the time the older one needed to move on the comprehensive had seriously poor GCSE results. Comp school improved but has gone back down as rapidly.
As far as the peer pressure about gadgets and trainers go- my colleagues with children in the state sector had far more problems with these than I did with my DC.
We both worked full time to pay the fees and drove 10 year old cars and often just holidayed at GPs. It really wasn't an issue- some of DCs friends from school come from very wealthy families and some are definately not. They are still meeting up.
I think it does depend on the school. If anything, the prep school had a few more pretentious parents concerned about labels.

I understand the urge to send your child to private school. I grew up from a deprived background with no opportunity and felt the same as you.
But my son goes to the local primary school and wants to go to the local non selective comprehensive school with his friends.
I think you can do well at state school with support.
I think private schools help prepare kids to get into the top universities better. But last year, several kids from the sixth form at the comprehensive school my son will attend, went to Oxford, Bristol and Warwick. Which is impressive as it has a high number of disadvantaged kids there.
I think at University, state school kids do just as well as private school kids. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Just to add, there are plenty of really shit private schools out there. Trust me. Also, I hear far worse stories of bullying from my friends with kids at private school that state.

And I'm not bashing private schools, both of my DC are at private school.

I think this completely depends on the calibre of the state schools in your area - if they're all awful, then absolutely go private if you can afford it and the private schools are better. If they're all decent then I really don't see the point of stretching yourself to go private (I went to a good state school and came out with better qualifications than privately educated OH).

In terms of rich kids dynamic, this completely depends on the school. I know that OH's school had a fair bit of nastiness towards the kids on scholarships, but this was quite an old, expensive school. If you go for a newer, cheaper school (which I imagine you're considering if it's a stretch to afford?) then this probably wouldn't be such a problem as there are more likely to be others in your position. A lack of decent state schools will probably push other parents in your position to go private so this would also reduce their chance of feeling less well off than other students.

We’re from a normal background but DH works for a company paying a big chunk of school fees. Consequently my DCs go to a well known top school which we could never have afforded otherwise. Due to the school’s starting age and our location, my DCs went to state school first and then transferred over.

In our experience, the school prepared them well for the transfer, they spent 2 years going to open days and getting to know their teacher and classmates. This meant that my DCs

Secondly, we could

Posted to soon!

This meant that my DCs were prepared for the move and comfortable.

Secondly, we sti see their old friends because we still live in the same house. It’s been fine.

Thirdly, the school has scholarship children and huge effort is made by the school to make all children comfortable regardless of background. Uniforms are affordable, gym shoes are standardised etc. It’s a genuine culture that they have fostered but I would not have known that had I not gone along for tours and met older children there, some of whom were ordinary like us.

Suggest you do some more research, you may be surprised. Good luck.

If we could afford it I would send my DC. Their classes are so big and whenever we have a parents evening it's clear the teacher hardly knows DC as they are so vague. I can hardly blame them they have too many to teach and it's usually the loudest children that get the attention. They need to have smaller classes.

Thinking ahead, are you planning to have any more DC? If you are stretching to send one child to private school, I’m guessing it would be near impossible to send two or more.

Orlando- my dd is also 'Well ahead of her state educated friends ' - in the same state primary as her. But it's not a achievement I've ever particularly gone after. I just want her to be happy and get educated. You don't need private for that.

lethal You have taken one small sentence of my entire post out of context. If that was the only thing we had achieved then I would remover her ASAP. But the fact remains that she has all the advantages as well as the one stated above. Plus, around here, yes you DO need private for that as the state schools are terrible.

Other thing to be aware of is the big hike in school fees at various points - so often at Yr3 and Yr7.... plus fees rising by much more than inflation. Just look at some of the secondary fees whilst also looking at nursery and know that for an average family starting even at secondary level, after the 7 years there, the fees are likely to be 50% higher than when they started - and that's just covering secondary.

It's all about having all the information available about costs, benefits and all the state and Independnet options to decide if it's worth it and even if it is, if it's affordable.

It's the local state school here where they all seem to be engrossed in latest gadgets, phones and designer gear.

At dd prep they don't have a clue about phones etc.
Love it.

Make sure you double check that the private school offers the free hours when your child turns 3 though. Both DCs are at a lovely prep school but they didn't offer the free hours so DD did 2 days there and 2 days at a local nursery that did.

If it strains your budget i wouldn't send my child for private education so early.

For do the following calculation: multiply the number of year between now and uni the fees per year. Try 15 years x £20,000 pounds.

Wouldn't these £300,000 be better spend on retirement, savings, rainy day fund?

Also think about how extra education would £10 or 20k per year afford your child? Again better save that money and spend it on trips , experiences , general well being.

You are also not taking into account the "keeping up with the Jones'". You may have just about for the basic fee but not enough for the myriad amazing trips and activities. Your DC might feel left out.

In addition you could easily supplement any future educational needs with top tutors with the money you wouldn't have spent on tuition.

And finally, you assume a best case financial scenario leaving you no room for maneuver. You may run the risk of starting private finding it too much of a stretch and then having to go back to state school. This is a very difficult transition.

I might also in your position save your money for a secondary school and also consider scholarships when you get to that stage. Primary school achievement is much more about parental input, and secondary stage, teaching and peers become much more important.

I don't know about snobbery at private schools - people think of private as posh, but some are more middle class and others much more upper class, although in London, without a scholarship I'd say you'd need a solid 6-figure household income, no or very little mortgage and a remarkably stable job (or lots of bonuses) to be able to afford it at all.

As to benefits of private schools - I kind of see them as better for boys than girls. Some girls do really well out of them, others end up perfectionists/anxious/with eating disorders (they seem to be a particular problem with private girls schools). Public school boys I can normally spot by what I call the 'halo of confidence'. Some people see this as smug superiority but actually the thing I find about public school boys on the whole is that they are often extremely good at talking to anyone from an office cleaner to a head of state confidently and without self-consciousness and being comfortable in themselves.

I don't know what it might be like for a child coming from a less privileged background than their peers - they may miss out on social stuff, and certainly holidays etc. I imagine early years of secondary might be tough, but as they get older peers would be sympathetic rather than sneery.

My parents were working class hairdressers and I went to private school from the age of 7 - 18. I got top grade a levels and onto my chosen course at a redbrick university where I achieved a 2:1 degree. I would 100% not have done this if I had been left in the state system for reasons I will not go into at this stage. I never ever felt like the poor relations and we had kids whose parents owned Formula One Teams and aristocracy at my school. I went to their parties at their enormous estates and they came to mine at our 3 bed semi on an estate. If I could afford it I would 100% send my DS to private school.

One area to consider is whether by scrimping and saving for private school your DC will miss out on some other life experiences because you cannot afford them. By no means essential but travelling to different countries, going to museums, getting involved in sports and music that cost money etc, not all are free. I went to both and think that some children succeed wherever they go and others need more help. But state school with extra tutoring if required can be beneficial.
One benefit to private schools is potential longer hours if you both work long days but downside is longer holidays..

As some pp have said, it's really a question of considering the different schools in your area, rather than thinking on blanket terms of 'private' vs 'state. Some private schools are really not worth paying for and others are excellent.
We looked at all the schools within a 20 minute drive radius (we live rurally) and based our decision on the feel/academics/staff etc.
Just beat in mind secondary school options if you decide to go to a private school. A friend of mine went from a smal private school to a large comprehensive at aged 11 - she was the only girl in the class who didn't go to a private secondary and she felt resentful initially (had a happy ending though and she has an amazing career)

My DP’s family are definitely more well off than my family, they own horses and their own homes in fairly affluent areas. But at the school he went to, he was one of the poorest kids and yes he did get mocked for it. Not so heavily in primary school but certainly in secondary. His family struggled to put him and his sister through private school so they didn’t have enough to afford the ski trips, designer clothing and technology his friends had. Furthermore, his parents dropped him off in an older model car which was mocked. The snobbery sounds unbelievable to me, I couldn’t stand it.

I also think that psychologically it has affected my DP greatly. He now looks at his old school friends who are wealthy and successful and feels he isn’t doing enough with his life. There’s always a sense within him of guilt that he had an expensive education and hasn’t lived up to expectations.

I also have a friend who went to private school and she loathed it. She said the first time she met someone who wasn’t white was at university...

From reading this it sounds like there are very different experiences from different Private schools.
I don’t recognise my school or DD’s School at all from some of the descriptions of snobbery and keeping up with peers.
I was a scholarship kid and nobody made me feel bad about it and dd has a part scholarship and it actually gives her some status. Academic achievements are more important at her school than fancy trainers.