to think living with someone with MH issues is fucking hard

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

disclaimer clearly i am aware it is also fucking hard to have MH issues yourself. This is not meant to be a competition as to who has it hardest.

I'll try and be brief:
DH has anxiety. panic attacks, shortness of breath etc. he is on medication for it which keeps it controlled most of the time. but he has flare ups every few weeks which involve him being short with us and grouchy for a few days, then an anxiety attack, then the 'control methods' he has to work through - breathing exercises, going for a walk/run etc, then a day or so of him being washed out and tired from the attack.

This is after a 2 year gradual build up before the big first anxiety attack - so 2 years of not really knowing why life was so hard etc.

I am so drained by it! When he's struggling i'm left to deal with all the DC, everything at home etc - i'm so tired!

He's my husband and i love him and i will support him however i can to get this controlled and get him well again but oh my god its so hard.

Anyone else the partner/spouse of someone with MH problems? Any coping tips you can share? (or feel free just to vent if you need)

It is one of the big taboos- saying how hard it is to live with a person with MH difficulties. You are absolutely right in that it is harder for them but as family we are expected to be sensitive and kind and just cope, regardless of how it impacts.
My brother is bipolar and self harms to the point of being sectioned. It is utterly awful and draining and has nearly broken my father over the years.
I have no words of wisdom, but I do hear you

i'm sorry about your brother minestheone - that must be terrifying to live with.

i feel i can't talk to anyone IRL as i feel its disrespectful to DH to discuss his personal problems behind his back. it's quite isolating.

YANBU

I have depression and anxiety and while I live alone I know that when I’m very unwell I’m hard work to be friends with or in a relationship with. I can’t help it, but I do hugely appreciate my best friend who has stuck by me through it all and is fabulous at knowing what support I need.

My sister has OCD so I also have experience of living with that. It destroyed my relationship with her and damaged my relationship with my mum. We were only teenagers and my sister wouldn’t accept or seek help, I was increadibly frustrated with her and unfairly with my mum for “not doing anything about it”. OCD is one that has a significant impact on me directly, she would throw away normal household items because they were “contaminated”, spent 5 hours every evening in our only bathroom, wouldn’t use her bedroom so slept and spent all the non-bathroom time in our only living space, missed a lot of school/college, missed flights to go see our dad (I still bitterly remember him getting cross at me over this! When I had been desperate for respite from her so was far more disappointed than him about it!).

My DH has got anxiety/ocd/depression. It is heartbreaking, I spend every day so upset, but outwardly I have to be positive all the time and say ‘you will get better’ even though I think I don’t believe it now.

He had a good job which he had to leave. He can’t do anything for himself anymore. Well he can, physically, but emotionally he can’t unless I am there with him. It is like having a disabled 3rd child.

I have 2 DC (6 & 10) and they basically look after themselves, apart from cooking obviously. DH takes up 70% of my time. He is just scared of everything. Tbh he spends most of his time in bed now. He is either exhausted or scared - that’s all his life is now. He is having therapy and knows what he should be doing - but the fear is just too much to make the changes.

It’s been over 2 years like this and I don’t think I can cope much longer. To be honest I have lost respect for him now, which is horrible, but I married a capable intelligent man. Now he stands there looking at his toothbrush for half an hour because he’s not sure whether he brushed his teeth, even though he just did it. I took some time off work to look after him but will have to go back soon. I think I am going to have to tell him that I can’t look after him anymore. He will either have to confront his ‘fears’ and start doing things himself or live somewhere else. He could live with his parents nearby, but he won’t go. But then I don’t know how they would cope with him either. I don’t know what to do anymore.

YANBU. I know that my current anxiety and depression are really hard on DH. Sometimes I think it must almost be harder to watch someone you love suffer than to suffer yourself.
Add to that the stress of him being the only one with an income at present having to support us both, the limitations my illness imposes... really shit for him.

very un MNy hugs for those struggling, from either side of this.

iamnotasaint i totally understand that feeling - he's not the man i married when we are in the bad patches. and your bad times arent closed to yours.

and then DH complains that the physical side of our relationship isnt great and that he needs that to help with his stress - which i get, but its hard to want to when i am so busy trying to keep things afloat for him and take the pressures of elsewhere - i'm to exhausted to feel randy!!

**OUR bad times are not close to yours

You have every right to express your feelings on this op.

My dad was diagnosed with manic depression (as it was then) and my mum had to hold everything together when he was in hospital or having a difficult time. He had meetings and support and she had housework and childcare.

I won't speak ill of my father (now deceased) but now that I have kids of my own I see how much my mum sacrificed for myself and my siblings. I have nothing but respect for her and anyone in her position.

Is there support available for you? Are you able to access it?

I don't know but there should be.

I suffer from anxiety - currently unmedicated but will be going on to medication in a few weeks - can't start before exams as first few weeks are often a bit shit.

Had a meltdown of epic proportions last week but in the end I was actually more concerned for my DP than myself. He snapped and I genuinely thought it was going to be him on the train track and not me.

There is not enough help for those with the MH conditions and as such this puts even more pressure on partners. They are pretty much just ignored.

for you OP. I get it - you are amazing for standing by your DH. I can be pretty fucking vile when I'm stressed about something and like dp says there is always "something".

If you can access counselling for yourself then might be worth a try.

Yes it is.

I have one parent with MH difficulties and it was hard to grow up in that environment.

Other parent has supported them throughout and carried the burden of being a single parent at times. This parent now suffers anxiety and in recent years drank a bit too much to help sleep (no longer does this).. they're of a generation that finds it difficult to ask for help which makes it hard.

my DPs are supportive and i can vent to them a bit (they love DH and will help and support us any way they can) but there is a limit to what i can share with them. They have the DC whenever i need etc but i don't want to burden them too often.

DH's mother is toxic and therefore we have not told her as she will make it worse - although it puts even more pressure on me to hold it together and not kill the bitch whenever we see her (thankfully rarely).

DH's dad is very infrequent with contact so also doesnt know and DH prefers to keep it that way.

Only a handful of my/our closest friends know. and DH's work obviously as he's had time off - they have been very understanding thankfully.

I had a full mental breakdown 3 years ago. It broke me and my partner up for a time before I got better and we had couples counselling. It was during the counselling that I saw how hard I had been to live with (my breakdown came from a very traumatic event at work) and I have still lost a lot of friends to this day because of how I was. I can understand why I did, and I can't use the excuse that I was ill as every person has their limits.

YANBU, completely.

I have newly diagnosed anxiety and depression, complex PTSD has been mentioned too. I know, no matter how hard I try, how exceptionally difficult it is to live with me and keep up a good positive relationship with me when I'm unwell. It is exhausting for the people around me. The thing about illnesses like depression or anxiety is that they make you very selfish and caught up in your own head, so anxious about how others perceive you yet not considering how your coping behaviours (like for me, I have a tendency to isolate myself when I'm low and as I've disclosed suicidal ideation, I know this causes a lot of worry) impact on those who you love. I had a conversation the other day with a friend who said she was frustrated, not with me because it's not my fault, but frustrated at the situation - and I agree entirely. You are entitled to struggle with this, OP. Just know that your DH is infinitely grateful, as I am for my loved ones.

YANBU. It's fucking hard work. Dealing with the v young DC as well as all household and life tasks all the time plus work knackers me out. And trying to stay positive for DH whilst every day having hours of circular conversations about how he feels. And lying to everyone about why we are not turning up for things or seeing anyone. And trying to get support from MH professionals. And having nothing to look forward to because we can't plan anything. And covering up my own anxiety which is through the roof with the stress. And the fucking shit weather!

I feel for you.

Are you sure it is the right thing trying to keep things afloat for him and take the pressures of elsewhere

Why not make an appointment to see his therapist yourself to ask what you can best do to help him without sacrificing yourself and the DC.

I'm sure the therapist can point you in the direction of resources to help. Even if it just having a therapy session yourself once a week where you can safely vent about the impact on you of him checking out of responsibility and the stress of your spousal safety having been removed meaning you always have to be the strongest and never ask for help.

@IAmNotASaint

Your post has seriously got my attention and its because I had OCD to a bad point too but I can also see you are getting annoyed. Your husband does need to get a grip now, things for the tooth brushing, the taste of toothpaste or mouthwash in his mouth should be enough, he needs to start trying thinking realisticaly (I had same fears when it was so bad like thinking I had swallowed washing gel etc) he needs to start getting out of bed and basically getting a grip for his family (his bed will be his safe place) He also needs to better himself because if he cant he will need to be sectioned. I've been where he is and it can be overcome!
OCD is a hellish nightmare for anyone involved in any way, be it the sufferer or carer.
Have a chat to him and say he needs to take baby steps, one of the main things to crack this awful illness is to push through the boundaries in the persons head, then once its pushed and nothing bad happens they can see how silly it was, this is what I did and although years later I still get the odd thought of relapse I put my sensible head on.
Good luck x

i am concerned that i am beginning to develop signs of anxiety/stress myself due to the 'living on the edge' situation we have - when DH comes home i never know if he will be fine or if that day will have triggered for him. if its a slow build one i have days of living with a grumpy sod waiting for the big blow up. I try and encouarge him to do the things that help - walking, running, music - but he often gets cross at me for nagging.

and as much as i love and support him i have to protect the DC from the worst of it - they dont deserve to be snapped at for minor things, its not their fault.

YANBU at all. I've been on both sides of this and it's horrible for both parties. In some ways I think it's worse for the person who isn't ill because you have to cope with someone else's moods and behaviour AND carry on with your own life as normal.

I remember supporting an ex when he had bad anxiety and depression. He wasn't working so all the financial strain fell to me, but he was often in a foul mood when I got home, and whenever I tried to speak up people shouted me down because "he has depression". Yes, he did, but what about me? Left to pick up the pieces and support the both of us on minimum wage. It wasn't easy and ultimately led to the breakdown of our relationship.

I think there needs to be much more support for those whose partners/children/parents have mental health issues. It's still a big taboo to say you wouldn't date someone with a mental illness.

YANBU.

I grew up in a sp household with a parent with severe MH issues, and I had no support with their care. It was horrendous being the sounding board for delusional thoughts and mania, and in hindsight was too much weight to have on teenage shoulders (as I was).
But if you complain about how your life is being impacted, then it feels like your trauma is minimised, and you're made to feel like a pain leech for saying "this is also hard for me"- purely because it's worse for the primary sufferer of said condition.
But suffering is not a competitive sport, and shouldn't be judged like one.
OP you should be able to admit that this is a difficult situation for your family to live with, because it is.
And anyone who thinks the families of those who have MH issues don't also suffer, is so breathtakingly stupid I don't think I could entertain a conversation with them.

I have an anxiety disorder with depressive episodes, and so to a lesser extent does my DP, so I think we both see it from both sides! We are both hard work at times, and it’s hardest if one of us is ok but the other is struggling because it affects the other’s recovery. We are much better these days at talking to each other about it, though, and that really helps. Plus we are better at managing our conditions.

Fitz and IAmNotASaint, have you had a carer’s assessment from your local council? You would be entitled to one, it’s free, and it might help. Your partners might also be eligible for some social care support.

I also want to add that it is not your responsibility to keep things afloat and carry your DH. You want to help him because you love him, but it is his responsibility to do all he can to get well.

I personally found that having people being frank with me about the impact that my mental health illness was having on them was almost enough to pull me out of it a little. Whilst it was devastating to hear, and the guilt ate me up for a while, it gave me that kick up the bum. That's not to say that it's something you can control, but you can help yourself.

runrabbit what else can i do? he is the main earner, he has unavoidable stress at work, he can;t deal with more when he comes home. and the DC will suffer if i dont step up.

he doesnt see a therapist - he is very much not the talking therapy type. he is on medication which is mostly working. i'm trying to get him to go back to up the dose a bit.

i can't afford a therapist for myself.

Completely agree with whosahappyharry

Fitz, your GP should be able to provide a limited number of sessions of counselling or a referral to an IAPT service. You don’t have to pay.

to be clear, there are people suffering much worse than DH - he can still go to work (most of the time) and take care of himself. he is just snappier and quicker to be annoyed than normal at home.

In a lot of ways its the not knowing whether he's on a good day or bad thats hard. or when we have a good spell and i start to relax and it all comes crashing down again over an unforseen trigger.