to think living with someone with MH issues is fucking hard

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

disclaimer clearly i am aware it is also fucking hard to have MH issues yourself. This is not meant to be a competition as to who has it hardest.

I'll try and be brief:
DH has anxiety. panic attacks, shortness of breath etc. he is on medication for it which keeps it controlled most of the time. but he has flare ups every few weeks which involve him being short with us and grouchy for a few days, then an anxiety attack, then the 'control methods' he has to work through - breathing exercises, going for a walk/run etc, then a day or so of him being washed out and tired from the attack.

This is after a 2 year gradual build up before the big first anxiety attack - so 2 years of not really knowing why life was so hard etc.

I am so drained by it! When he's struggling i'm left to deal with all the DC, everything at home etc - i'm so tired!

He's my husband and i love him and i will support him however i can to get this controlled and get him well again but oh my god its so hard.

Anyone else the partner/spouse of someone with MH problems? Any coping tips you can share? (or feel free just to vent if you need)

But unfortunately you will very likely have to wait as services are underfunded and have long waiting lists.

YANBU, and I agree it’s difficult to talk about for fear of making someone with a mental health problem feel worse than they already are. My marriage ended because my ex H’s behaviour became intolerable - it was certainly abusive but he wasn’t in control of it - it was a complete mess and ultimately it was no situation to bring a child up around so it had to end. My ex’s mental state has improved since we split, makes me wonder how much I was enabling it.

I also want to add that it is not your responsibility to keep things afloat and carry your DH. You want to help him because you love him, but it is his responsibility to do all he can to get well.

I agree with this 100%. You are also not required to stay in a marriage because your partner has a mental illness.

but if 'pressure' is part of the anxiety trigger - how would me putting more pressure on him by saying 'get a grip' help?

awkward really? i didn't know i would be eligible as there is nothing 'wrong' with me. i will look into that.

After the birth of our youngest daughter I became physically unwell, I had started a new job and was fainting and vomiting through pain little did we know this would changed our lives.

I was admitted to hospital for up to a week each time 18 times in 13 months, had a hysterectomy and depression descended.

My husband had to leave work and became my carer. I attempted suicide twice.

At times whilst in pain I was unable to get to the bathroom, it was upstairs and back then I was to proud to ask, I wet myself more than once my husband never once said a word other than I should’ve asked for help.

As the years have gone by my pain has got worse, my mental health has got worse, my insomnia has got worse and my anxiety is off the scale. I see a psychiatrist weekly. I have put in approx 3 stone in weight due to my medication.

Due to neither of us being able to work we got into debt, we now live on benefits.

Through all of this my husband has been my rock, he has always given me unconditional support without a single word of complaint and most of all he has continued to love me. He truly is my rock. Our life is completely different to what we though we would have.

I’m sorry that he and lots of you have to go through this, none of you get the support and recognition you deserve.

hotcross i am required to stay in my marriage because i love my husband, i take the 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health' part of my vows serious and because when he is well he is a wonderful DH and a loving father to our DC. leaving is not an option, not even a consideration.

*bumbumtaloo so sorry things have been so hard for you both. such strong love you two must have to get through it all.

My friend who was living with us for a few months has anxiety and panic attacks. While we are all supportive, I can also attest just how hard and emotionally draining it is on others also. I myself have suffered from panic attacks and they're horrendous. Anybody having to struggle with MH issues, or people who support those who do, have my respect and sympathy.

I personally found that having people being frank with me about the impact that my mental health illness was having on them was almost enough to pull me out of it a little. Whilst it was devastating to hear, and the guilt ate me up for a while, it gave me that kick up the bum. That's not to say that it's something you can control, but you can help yourself.

I agree so much with this, with everything said on the thread so far too.

DH has cyclical bouts of depression, I've come to accept that he will never be entirely free of it but I've also come to accept that it is not my responsibility to be Mary Sunshine 24/7 and(harsh as it sounds) his mental health should not come at the expense of my own.

We have an agreement in place that when he starts getting into the downward spiral he goes to the GP and he gets treatment or I will take the DC and leave. I will fight it with him but I will not fight itfir him, he has to help himself first and foremost.

He's not the talking therapy type. He doesn't want to up his medication. He wants more sex. He wants you to stop nagging. He needs to spend time on walks, running and with his music instead of doing his share. You aren't able to talk to your friends about any of it.

My DH is prone to anxiety. He found ways to not be a dick. He's not the talking type but he did it anyway because he would do anything to avoid being a dick to me and the children.

Are you sure there is no money for therapy for you? Do you have access to the money he earns?

What does he do to care for your MH? How does he try to lighten the load on you? If he doesn't do anything then tell him you need support too. Does talking about your needs fill you with dread? What would happen?

I'm sorry to hear others are going through this too. My DP has been suffering for 18months & I'm so worn down by it. It's dragging me down too. Can't see ant light at the end of the tunnel either. So glad most people are getting help. My DP is still in denial & wont even see a GP. really hope everyone that's in this situation improves soon for them or they find ways to manage better. It's exhausting for the whole family & I think your all amazing

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Thank you, it’s been hard at time quite frankly fucking awful. This year we have been together for 10yrs, I’ve now been ill for longer than well in our relationship. Honestly, he deserves a bloody medal!

YANBU. It's very hard and I'm ashamed to say I wasn't strong enough to stay with my ex. He has paranoid schizophrenia and depression. In our time together I had to deal with things alone and with very little outside support. It very nearly broke me and I decided that DD and I couldn't live like that anymore. I admire all those people who carry on and continue to love and support partners/husbands/family members. You are far stronger than I ever was

I was brought up with my father struggling with PTSD and depression throughout my childhood DM did her best to protect us from his MH issues and we were often farmed our to GP and aunts when things got too bad
I had a long term living together relationship with exDP (not my DC father) which I had to end after 7 years as his MH issues began to impact on my DC
It was the hardest decision ever as I still loved him, but he refused to accept how bad he was, would not seek help and became ever more controlling and verging on emotionally abusive
It was like he couldn’t control his feelings and thrashed out at his safe people and even blamed us for not being supportive etc
I am currently in a non living together friendship/relationship with someone who has anxiety and depression - I only cope by limiting contact and need to retreat and recharge my batteries when he is particularly bad
I only stay because he is very loving and giving when not unwell
Hugs to all posters who are caring or living with those with MH issues - I know my limits sadly

@ChocsholicksAsylum
He knows all about mindfulness and has read all the books, blogs, youtube clips and podcasts. He is also having therapy. He KNOWS that he needs to confront his fears. The main problem is that he ‘mentally reviews’ everything to make sure it has been done ‘properly’. We have successfully reduced quite a lot of the physical compulsions, but the mental ones are a lot harder. He can’t get out of bed before mentally reviewing everything that happened yesterday. The therapist is seeing him tomorrow to try and get him out of bed without doing this thinking. Praying that he manages some progress.
Glad to know that things improved for you. It’s stories like that that keep us going.

I haven’t looked at carer’s assessments, will have a look.

runrabbit yes when you list it like that it sounds bad but it really really isnt in that way, honest! to answer your questions though:

I accept he isnt the talking therapy type, not everyone is, he is far to cynical a person for it (always has been, that's just him and its fine)

He will up the meds if i push it, at the moment its still in the talking phase of 'do you feel its controlled or do you think we need to go back to the gp?' - if i said: 'this is hell, you need to up your dose' he would go without question, we aren't there yet.

walking, running and music all help him manage his symptoms and i encourage him to do them, it really helps. he works in a high pressure job and we have 4 young DC so home life is stressful too. he deserves some downtime.

He would like our sex life to be better, so would i. he does not pressure or cajole me. it is part of our ongoing conversations as we deal with life in general. its something that needs work from both sides.

i worry that i'm nagging him, he doesnt complain just sometimes doesnt take my 'advice' that he needs to go out and do something as he is showing sypmtoms of a building attack.

no there is no spare money for therapy right now (and i'm also a bit unsure of the benefit of talking therapy to me, its just my nature).

I have full control of the finances, all of which are joint.

When he is well he is wonderful, we have a great time, he is a fully 50% partner and parent and i have no complaints (apart from his inability to put socks in the laundry basket!)

Sorry, i know what you are getting at but i am not in any form of abusive relationship. i just needed to vent about how hard things can be.

Sadly YANBU, and perhaps it needs to be talked about more - it is NOBODY's fault, but supporting someone with mh issues can be very hard. Especially if you are fortunate enough not to have them, so you can't necessarily understand.

Two of my ex's had severe depression (one knew and was on anti depressants than then made him unable to sustain an erection, which really upset him), and the other was firmly in denial but had black clouds over him and days when he talked about how pointless everything was at least once a week.

bumbumtaloo and the fact that you know that and i'm sure acknowledge that makes all the difference to the supportive partner. when DH comes out of an attack and thanks me for all i do it makes a huge difference to my feelings. it doesnt stop it being hard but it renews the fact that we are a team and are in this hard place together and that we will find a way through, together.

My dh has bipolar diagnosed at nearly 50.These are the things that helped me most;
Having my own life..so meeting friends joining a gym..going for a walk..generally taking time for myself.
Joining a support group..that took me years as l fought it as thought l didn't want to be in a room talking about deprssion in my spare time but it was very helpful and l met amazing people
Having counselling for myself which was brilliant
Getting right down tough with my dh saying if he didn't follow all advice take all recommended medication etc he was on his own.
Not spending too much time or energy listening to him talking about his depression as he has his supports for that and if he chooses not to go thats not my problem.
In other words l solidly put all responsibility on his and focused on being well myself.
This might sound mean but he is very stable and we have a great life and l am not wrecked the way l was. Running around trying to help him with him piling stuff on me nearly killed me. This way works best for us both.
Finally accepting he is ill and not feeling hard done by or like a victim changed my perspective. I love him dearly and we have a strong relationship after a few tough years.
Actually at the end of it all l am a stronger person having gone lhrough it as it forced me to look at my own way of dealing with stuff.

june thank you for sharing your story - gives me hope that hopefully things will get more balanced eventually. i have my own time out to do my own stuff so that is in place.

I will have a chat to DH once he's through this blip about focusing more on being active in his recovery - making himself go out for the walk even if he cant be bothered because in the end it will help. etc.

MoseShrute My biggest fear is that I will make my DH I’ll, I know that everyone has a breaking point and I do not want to be the cause of his.

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes I don’t actually have the words to tell him how much I appreciate everything he does for our family.

Because we live on benefits now we could not afford a private psychiatrist and so despite being told I needed help and that the my condition would be described at severe I would have to join the queue and wait to have therapy. During that time I tried to help myself, I downloaded apps, I read up on techniques that I could try and whilst these helped the psychiatric help that I now receive has been the biggest help, DH also sits in on some of my sessions and he has said that it helps him also. My issues are long and complex which goes back to neglect I received as a child, through no fault of my parents. My mum herself was incredibly unwell psychologically. Back then she was diagnosed as a manic depressive, and attempted suicide on countless occasions as I child I saw things nobody should ever see, I don’t actually remember my childhood. My brother dying then made my mums mental health (as expected) a thousand times worse. I experienced depression in my mid 20’s and then PND after my eldest was born. But I never expected anything like this. I hate myself for attempting to take my own life, it was something I didn’t want my children to experience as I did as a child. This is why I was determined to help myself.

I genuinely mean it when I say that partners/wives/children of people with mental health issues need as much love and support as they can get.

It’s awful for me living with what’s inside my head but I know it’s worse being the person who loves me.

My ex was an alcoholic with quite severe mental health issues. He was violent many times, verbally abusive etc. I have a mental health diagnosis and had to hold myself together as much as I could. He put himself as the priority and the fact that he didn’t even try and get support was hard. He got some in the end but relationship was about over. First husband was even worse and I cannot repeat on here what he did to me every kind of abuse going really and apparently he had mental health issues. My fiancé now is very supportive and laid back. He said it can be tough but because of his nature he doesn’t feel it affects him that much but he did say the repetition does his head in at times.

You are definitely not being unreasonable Fitz! Fitz, Iamnotasaint and everyone else going through this 💐💐💐
I pretty much could've written your post myself.
My DH and I have been together nearly 11 years, but I knew him for years before. In 2015 we were away on holiday when something happened at work-over night he was a broken man, so scared unable to see that anything would ever be ok again. I am an optimist and he is a bit of a pessimist but nothing anyone said could get him out of this depression! It lasted around a month before he started to function again, doctor gave him a few crappy over the phone cbt sessions and some hay fever tablets for anxiety?!?
Anyway, everything was fine and we ended up saying life is too short and we moved abroad- we wanted more quality time together as a family. About 4 months in he started dramatically losing weight, being sick, constant diarrhea, stomach cramps, problems breathing and he thought he was dying. All tests etc from gp and hospital (scans, X-rays, endoscopys etc) came back fine but every time he went to the gp they would call him an ambulance to rush him to the hospital (I shit you not, it was so frightening)! Until one day he saw a new gp who said this is anxiety. Almost over night he started believing he was no longer dying and everything went away!
Fast forward to now and he's now got new non issues that he is irrationally fearful of, thinks people are following him, can't answer his phone, doesn't trust women etc and we've decided to move back to 🇬🇧.
I am at my wits end, he's like a stranger to me when he's in the middle of a mania, he's on meds but I think he needs real psychological help. Same as you Fitz he moans about our sex life but I find it so hard to be attracted to someone who has been giving me uncensored crazy all day and then wants to get down at night! He says I no longer see him as a man or respect him which I've never admitted but I'm getting that way. I feel like a single parent with an extra man child, I'm glad to be returning home but this brings in law stress with it too as rather than help him out they call to borrow money and pile their own non issues on our shoulders! Wish there was a magic cure for all this bollocks!

Just realized I've never said that all "out loud" before, sorry for the long post