to think living with someone with MH issues is fucking hard

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

disclaimer clearly i am aware it is also fucking hard to have MH issues yourself. This is not meant to be a competition as to who has it hardest.

I'll try and be brief:
DH has anxiety. panic attacks, shortness of breath etc. he is on medication for it which keeps it controlled most of the time. but he has flare ups every few weeks which involve him being short with us and grouchy for a few days, then an anxiety attack, then the 'control methods' he has to work through - breathing exercises, going for a walk/run etc, then a day or so of him being washed out and tired from the attack.

This is after a 2 year gradual build up before the big first anxiety attack - so 2 years of not really knowing why life was so hard etc.

I am so drained by it! When he's struggling i'm left to deal with all the DC, everything at home etc - i'm so tired!

He's my husband and i love him and i will support him however i can to get this controlled and get him well again but oh my god its so hard.

Anyone else the partner/spouse of someone with MH problems? Any coping tips you can share? (or feel free just to vent if you need)

Sorry FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes I seem to have hijacked your thread. Good luck to you and DH

mike i hope it helped a little to let all that out. its very freeing to just be able to let it all out of your head! i wish there was a quick and easy cure too.

bumbum not at all, its helpful to let it out, i am well aware there are many others just as under pressure as me, from both side of MH. thank you for sharing your story

Fitz I'm so sorry to read about how tough a time you are all having. Good to see you have been given lots of advice from others, some who are suffering themselves.

I would focus my energy on what i can control which is making sure the DC are OK and that YOU get support. It would frustrate me that he is not willing to get counselling as this could have a positive impact on ALL of you. (and I don't mean this to come across as unkind)

At a point when he is feeling ok, could you have a conversation about changes that could be made to improve the situation for all of you? Others on here can advise on whether this would be approporaite under the circumatsnaces, but at some point he has to take responsibility for his mental health and helping himself-great he is on medication which you say is helping, but what more could be done? and do you and your DC need therapy/counselling/someone to talk to who understands? Sorry you and others are going through this.I hope you have friends you can also rely on, to vent to when the need arises

Fitz, does he acknowledges that he is hard to live with at the moment? I'm going through the menopause at the moment, and it is hell for me. It's taken some time for my DH to appreciate how it is impacting on my life and that I'm not down and negative for the sake of it but really struggling. He does now and I too have started to appreciate that living with a wife who has turned from being confident, fun, full of energy and positivism to someone who looks miserable all the time is difficult.

What I've said is that all I need from him is patience. I'm working hard on getting over it and being myself again. He is desperate to have his wife back, but I'm even more desperate to be that person too. It will happen, but sometimes life is more of a challenge and we just need to be patient. In a few years time, it could be the other way around.

I could have written this. DS is currently mentally ill and it's killing me. He's suffering from severe anxiety and depression. I'm so tired and I feel awful for saying it but I need a break. He constantly wants to be by me or with me and when I finally can get away to get some sleep, I can't then sleep because I'm worried sick about him. I feel like I live in a nightmare and like someone else said I feel bad for even saying I need a break. He used to be a happy boy and our lives have been turned upside down.

thanks poobum and swings i will be talking to him about the importance of being prooactive and not letting attacks sneak up on him. i will go along the line of i will support his decision not to go to councilling on the understanding that he takes the other steps we have identified that help - walking, running, music etc. In return i will make more of an effort to carve out 'couple time' (this is a both way problem) to try and get us back on track physically. I will also stop minimising the pressure i feel, when he apologies for it being hard i will not just brush it off but acknowledge that yes it is hard - not to guilt trip or blame, just to honestly tell him that it isnt easy.

its been nice to get it all off my chest without havent to sensor it.

It’s pretty exhausting living with DH at the minute. His anxiety is having a massive flare, he’s constantly overanalysing and everything is doom and gloom.

Every minor issue gets blown out of all proportion, and I spend my time trying to talk him down while dealing with the kids (one being assessed for adhd) as well as my own health issues (all physical)

After 3 years and being sectioned 7 times I had to leave my partner, after a very traumatic event he had a breakdown and was then diagnosed as bipolar which he does not agree with. He only took/takes medication when in hospital as it was forced. I tried very hard to be there for him as I know no one would choose to be mentally ill but there comes a point when it is impossible to stay, my 2 dc don't deserve to see and hear the things he says and does to their mum. I was blamed for making it worse as I wasn't happy and cheerful 100% of the time but I have 2 young dc I'm disabled life is hard it's not always sunshine and happiness, I do feel like I've failed him and my dc but it was destroying me and he didn't seem to care about us or himself for that matter. It has had a huge impact on my mh and as hard as it is, I spend many nights after the dc are in bed crying, I know deep down its for the best for all of us. At first I hoped telling him to leave might give him the kick up the arse he needed but nope. I do still love him but he's never going to admit he is ill and get help. No amount of begging crying or trying to talk to him about the situation and how we are all affected by it is going to help, in my experience unless the person admits there is mh problems and is willing to accept the help offered there is nothing anyone can do to help. So yeah it fucking hard, I wouldn't wish it on anyone

scoogle i cant imagine how hard it is when its a DC, you poor thing!! i hope youre not having to cope alone

Fitz (I've just read those books btw) I think RunRabbit made a very good point.
My husband used to get very anxious about his work, but couldn't change it. In the end he changed his work and wondered why he hadn't done it years earlier (he is now self employed and earns more money than he did in his stressful job and has more time) He continues to be sometimes anxious about many things that would not floor other people (ie he cannot drive) and I continue to confront him about the root of his anxiety (home therapy if you like) options for change. I also confront him if his anxiety is affecting our home life, for example if the way he wants things is at odds with our "family" happiness, even if he thinks it makes him less anxious.

I think you can be supportive but in the end the responsibility to solve the problem does not lie with you, but him and you do not have to put up with someone snapping at your children, there is no excuse for that.

He needs to make a change somewhere, not just music and running which are things you faciliate for him by doing all the other stuff, he needs to find out why he is anxious (CBT is a less invasive form of therapy) and HOW he can reduce stresses. Not everyone with 4 children to provide for suffers from severe anxiety, there will be something you can change in your life that might make things better. His relationship with his parents might also be a factor. High blood pressure can make people very anxious. Thyroid issues. Low Vit D...all sorts of organic reasons.

Dh is very supportive to me and I am very supportive to him. we both have our low points and our impasses. But you cannot enable him.

My now ex DH suffers from anxiety. Has done since I've known him (20years). We have 3dc and the last two years we were together were so hard. He was angry all the time. I couldn't do right for being wrong. I was called lazy and wasn't grateful for him working full time (I was working 30 hours a week as well as doing all childcare and housework). I finally said something needed to change so he announced he was leaving. Not my choice but he told everyone I kicked him out. He's gone back to the Drs now and he's more on an even keel which is great. But he still doesn't believe that his MH contributed to our marriage breakdown. It's all my fault apparently which really annoys me. But the kids and I are much happier without having to tread on eggshells all the time. Now just working on myself and getting my confidence back.

YANBU it is so hard trying to keep everything together all the time. I hope you have a good support network that you can vent to as that helps so much

Yes, it is hard.

My husband has schizophrenia, although he is chronically depressed and has been for like ever.. He suffers with awful anxiety too. Thankfully he hasn't had full on psychosis for a very long time because he is medicated well. Sadly, they have never found anything that worked for his depression and anxiety. Nothing seems to work, and he has been ill for well over 20 years now.

He had a pretty good summer but this winter has been awful for him. Ended up in A&E over Xmas.

I make sure his moods don't affect me as much as possible. It was a skill I had to learn for my own sanity and for my children's sake. If I didn't learn to do that I couldn't be with him. I am human and sometimes his illness does make me down, but it is usually short lived and I know what I need to do to fix that.

I work (in MH actually) and I make sure to look after myself. I make sure I have my own interests and social life.

A few people have asked why I decided to work in MH when I have a very unwell husband. It has actually helped me though and I love my job, but it is more important than ever that I look after myself first.

My husband is the kindest man you could meet. He never screws with his meds, he goes to every appointment and tries every new suggestion they come up with. He takes himself away when his moods are really bad and he feels he is at risk of being really snippy with us.

to everyone.

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm a sufferer of PTSD and I know it's hard for my DH to cope with it. He copes by just not thinking about it, he'll ask if I'm ok and doesn't appear to worry too much. It's upsetting for him to know the reason why as well - childhood SA - but he won't tell me how he's actually feeling about it, which I wish he would.

I've pushed him away sexually, which must be very hard, I've taken my anger out on him, not physically I hasten to add, just picked arguments with him.

I also have to deal with my DB's more serious MH issues - probably PTSD but diagnosed with schizophrenia as well. He's unable to cope with life at all, relies on our DM and constantly calls us when he runs out of money. (He hasn't held down a job in over 20 years.) In addition my DSis (who has PTSD and anxiety) and I can't be around him because he participated in our abusive F's SA, but was also a victim of other abuser's himself. We also have young DCs so we obviously don't want him around them.

I grew up with a dad like this. I would never put up with that from a partner. My OH is a bit of a depressive, whose dad committed suicide. I've always made it clear that I will not put up with it. He does things to make himself feel better, which is all I want.
I have issues, so do my brothers, as a result of our childhood. All of us keep going as best we can.
Kids will be affected and kids should not be left to bring up themselves while Mum or Dad care for the other parent. I speak from experience. My mum was never really a mum, due to my father's demands. It made her very bitter. Also financial restraints meant she was stuck where she was. I basically brought up my younger brother.
I have enormous sympathy and admiration for you. People always have sympathy for those with mental health issues, but ignore the people who have to care for them.
I know how hard it is to be mentally ill, I have BPD and suicide attempts, anxiety etc.
Older brother is an alcoholic, younger brother lots of issues. Dad still a depressive. Extended families, both sides have lots of issues.
I wish I had a normal family☹️
But I would never allow this to affect my son. If anyone here is financially solvent yourself, could you maybe live apart from your partners.
All I remember as a child is constantly walking on egg shells around my dad.
You are all doing amazing, I don't know how my mum coped.
Best wishes everyone❤️

My post probably wasn't very helpful. Sorry. 😖

Long post, maybe needed to vent. Sorry if it offended anyone😟

But I would never allow this to affect my son. If anyone here is financially solvent yourself, could you maybe live apart from your partners.

No, because I don't want to and don't need to. My children would suffer more without him there. We are a loving family.

The moment my children feel like they need to walk on egg shells is the moment I leave. My kids aren't bringing themselves up whilst I look after my husband. As I said, my husband doesn't take his moods out on us and he is very gentle and kind. He is a great father. If that ever changes I will reassess thing straight away. I am not saying they don't notice etc, of course they do, but they have never felt scared of him, worried about upsetting him or any of that.

I am sorry you had such a rough childhood My dad wasn't mentally ill but I was petrified of him for different reasons and there is NWIH I would let my kids feel the same either.

You haven't caused offence, @Sassydoughnut not to me anyway. This is the thread for venting.

I've been both the sufferer and the family member. One of the reasons I can't cope with my DB is his self-pity. He's jealous of DSis and me because we've made lives for ourselves with partners and DCs, whereas he's lonely and unable to function. It just feels like a 'pity party' with my DM enabling it. Should I feel guilty for having survived? That's what it feels like.

I have bad days too, but I'm determined not to allow my DDs to be affected by my issues.

It really is OP, my husband has various MH conditions and it’s really hard sometimes.

You’re not alone

So glad your husband is still able to be a good dad, your children are lucky. I have a lot of issues and try to give my son a happy childhood. It sounds like your husband is trying his best, which is great. It's hard and I know what it's like from both sides.
My son notices as well, but he is a happy boy and knows he is very loved by his father and I. I have a good relationship with him. Sounds the same with your husband, that's wonderful.
It just feels like it's never ending sometimes.
My dad made our childhood utterly miserable, he's much improved now, but the damage is done.
I understand the pity party mentality as well. You can't help someone unless they try or want to help themselves.
But I refuse to be a martyr to my family, I want to be happy and I want them to be happy. But I'm not going to let them take over my life, like I used to.
Oh well, at least we can vent here.
❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sassy I am not offended either

I think the key to whether you go or stay is whether your DH/DP is doing everything they can to help themselves and admit that 1) they have a problem and 2) that it is affecting everyone around them, not just themselves.

In that situation is is possible for a relationship to be maintained. Otherwise, it really isn't. I've spent 6.5 years trying to support my STBXH with his issues - counselling, psychology, ADs, rehab - I've tried to get him to engage with all of them.

Ultimately what he wanted was to be rescued. He wanted a magic pill or wand to make his issues just go away. The moment he was required to make any effort to challenge his thinking, his beliefs and his issues, he'd dive into a bottle.

So for the sake of our DDs I am divorcing him. It's getting acrimonious now because he doesn't like what's in the petition (i.e. the truth). But I'm done, I'm all about protecting our DDs and myself now.

I have nothing but enormous admiration for those of you on here who are doing everything they can, and for their partners.

YANBU OP, and I'm glad this thread has been so supportive.

I know only too well that feeling of never knowing what you'll come home to as a child - I'd never put mine through that.

sassy feel free to vent away. i'm finding it helpful for that so please dont worry about offending.

this thread shows the broad range of experiences out there and as much as i feel bad for others going through it, i'm glad i'm not alone with it.

At the forefront of everything of course is my DCs wellbeing and if i felt he was in any way causing issues for them then i would think differently. he is a great dad and to be honest, his bad days to them are probably no different from most parents' bad days - its just i know the real reason. the DC dote on him completely.

and i am agreeing with posters saying it shouldnt be a 'pity party' and that people need to 'help themselves' - i feel more empowered to address this more with DH to make sure we are working towards solving this as much as we can and mitigating against future flare ups where possible.