to think living with someone with MH issues is fucking hard

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

disclaimer clearly i am aware it is also fucking hard to have MH issues yourself. This is not meant to be a competition as to who has it hardest.

I'll try and be brief:
DH has anxiety. panic attacks, shortness of breath etc. he is on medication for it which keeps it controlled most of the time. but he has flare ups every few weeks which involve him being short with us and grouchy for a few days, then an anxiety attack, then the 'control methods' he has to work through - breathing exercises, going for a walk/run etc, then a day or so of him being washed out and tired from the attack.

This is after a 2 year gradual build up before the big first anxiety attack - so 2 years of not really knowing why life was so hard etc.

I am so drained by it! When he's struggling i'm left to deal with all the DC, everything at home etc - i'm so tired!

He's my husband and i love him and i will support him however i can to get this controlled and get him well again but oh my god its so hard.

Anyone else the partner/spouse of someone with MH problems? Any coping tips you can share? (or feel free just to vent if you need)

in my DH's defence, as much as on his bad days i do occupy the DC and tell them that he 'isnt feeling well and needs some quiet' he will equally take them off/let me cfrash out in the other room for a few hours when i need a bit of break. it isnt all one way at all.

YANBU there is so little support for the person with poor MH never mind the carer / person living with it. I have lived with my DH for many years through decades of his poor MH.

Right now he is at his sisters as we need a break, he has been low lately and not motivated to do anything and I have been trying to motivate him. All efforts and suggestions have failed. This invariably ends with us in a cycle of me becoming irritated because he is doing nothing, me resenting him as I have to bear the responsibility and him becoming defensive.

We then enter the bickering stage where he says I'm criticising him and making him feel worse and in truth I probably am but its so fucking hard to be strong all of the time.

We both need some peace away from the toxic atmosphere and have used this separation method many times over the years. Sometimes it is only two days sometimes a week, unless he has been in hospital and then it has been months.

We have one adult child and looking back I am convinced that her confidence has been affected by living with him. I don't think anyone really knows it until they live it

Yanbu.

Probably another taboo, but I think how hard it is can also be about the sufferers attitude. Those posting on this thread all seem very aware, and acknowledge to those supporting them it can be tough for them too.

On other threads, or in rl some people can be so comfortable with their mh problem they are blind to how hard it is for those around them. Of course mental illness can make lovely people behave selfishly at times through no fault of their own, but other sufferers can be selfish in attitude and even at calm, rational periods seem to believe those around them are obliged to prioritise their mh over and above their own.

I think being the sufferer or the support can be as tough as each other in many situations. And if the sufferer is of the unaware group, and you're the only support, possibly worse, because nobody is left to support you when you inevitably start to struggle with your own mh.

It's completely not talked about,and if you have issues with a partner who has MH issues, you're a complete bitch for not putting up with everything and anything, because everything is blamed on the issues.
I have seen posts on here where people are behaving appallingly but as soon as they say they have MH problems posters fall over themselves to call their partners and families awful names.

There definitely is a taboo. I can't be around my DB because he participated in the childhood SA of DSis and me despite the fact that he's a victim too. My DM keeps on about how hard it is for him. I end up feeling guilty for not wanting to be in touch with him. I'm not allowed to be NC because of his MH issues.

It's completely not talked about,and if you have issues with a partner who has MH issues, you're a complete bitch for not putting up with everything and anything, because everything is blamed on the issues.

A thousand times this.

My family was destroyed by Mental illness/ MH issues of my DM.
After a long time of DM resisting treatment (or even trying to address her issues), the family was fractured due to her damaging actions (calling police, employers, schools, general trouble making in her delusions, violent outbursts and false allegations), so certain members ghosted us in order to avoid the persistent upset and drama which my DM caused.
Now I don't have a family, at all. It is just destroyed. Nobody talks to anyone and hasn't for years. My DC don't have any Aunts/Uncles/Cousins or DGP like they should have, because my DM was utterly draining and unbearable to us all, so in the name of their own self-preservation, my family estranged themselves from DM- and me by extension as I was a child.
In hindsight I don't blame them for that now. Trying to repeatedly help a hostile, delusional, manipulative person who doesn't believe they even need help was left to me, and it took away my spirit as a teen and shaped me into what I am now. I have PTSD, attachment disorder and most of my teens were spent engaging in self-destructive behaviour and being hurt by people I thought loved me at the time.

I believe that mental illness being prevalent within families isn't purely down to genetics, but rather that the responsibility of coping and caring for someone with such a difficult condition can mentally destroy you yourself, purely by how fucking hard it is.
People can only give so much before they break, but with certain MH issues, the sufferer is often oblivious to just how much damage they are causing.

I don’t have much time to write as the DC are in the bath, but it is both sad and cathartic to see others in such a similar position to me. I struggle to manage the house, childcare etc as it is, but I have to keep going for the DC. I also know how hard DP tries to overcome his issues, but I don’t think even he recognises the stress I am under to keep it together, and I don’t like talking to family as it feels disloyal to DP.

Agreed lizzie Like an unwritten rule that only the decent, lovely people get mental illness, so anything unpleasant must be the illness.

Not the reality, that mental illness, like anything else, happens to twats and nice people both. And that people with a mh problem can be a bit twatty on occasion for reasons that are nothing to do with their mh, just like almost everyone else (bar the full time twats) is on occasion.

YANBU In my case, both my partner and I have mental health issues. I'm not sure if that's a good thing but most of the time we are very supportive of each other because we understand. A few years ago DH had a mental breakdown and BEGGED to be sectioned just so he could get some sleeping pills. He didn't sleep for weeks. By that I mean he would be scared to fall asleep because as soon as he did, he had a panic attack that woke him up.
I don't really think there are many ways of coping beyond getting the medical help you need and plodding on.
Counselling didn't work for DH but it did for me so if you can refer yourself and think it may help I would do so.
Sorry I can't be more helpful than that.

My sister has mental health issues, and we haven't seen each other in 13 years. I have special needs and she can be very very unpredictable, violent, and really mean. I wish we could have some kind of relationship, but we just can't, so we don't talk at all. We have sent the occasional email to each other over the years, but it never ends well. She has seen my sister, and my mother, but I keep my distance. She affects my mother a lot though, and intern, my mother's behavior towards me can be very hard to deal with because she gets very depressed, negative, and even more overprotective than she already is. My sister sometimes will just cut her off, so when I need my space, my mother will say I'm ignoring her just like my sister. It is very very hard.

My STBXH definitely uses his issues as a reason to behave like an arsehole. I won't accept it. I won't accept it from anyone.

DD2 has some issues of her own, mainly autism spectrum/sensory. While DD1 and I accept that life is more stressful for her than for us, I do not let her get away with being unpleasant - it is in her control not to be unpleasant because she knows she can put herself in tie out without consequences.

I’ve been there from both sides. And tbh, it was easier Bein the one that was ill. The well one has to try to hold it all together.

Op, i think your DH really needs to do some research about talking therapies. It isn’t all touchy feely tell me about your childhood stuff.

I did CBT with an ex military chap who specialises in PTSD. he was fab, very nononsense just taught me some coping techniques and helped me recognise the start of downward spirals. Even Better it was online, via a chat type app through the NHS. So no making time to travel to appointments, get parked etc etc. Just 30 mins on an evening on the computer or iPad at my convience. And it was free.

It looks to us on the outside quite unfair on you that yr DH is expecting you to cope and yet rejects some of the most effective therapies. If he had a broken leg and was incapacitated, you’d have zero sympathy if he refused medical assistance and sat there expecting you to run around after him. (I always find that for me, thinking about how I’d feel dealing with an equivalent physical illness helps me set healthier boundaries when providing mental health support)

My OH has been drooping about all weekend, apparently its a awkward time of life for men, his words. He's 45. I've ordered him to go swimming, which he enjoys, after work. Or go and see someone to talk to.
He's a good dad to our son, but f**k me he's getting on my wick.

That sounds harsh, he's a great dad, but a shite partner. He's so self pitying and doesn't seem to appreciate anything that he's got. He doesn't even try to be happier. It's like living with a lot less mad version of my dad. I've realised recently that he's probably a moderate depressive and that upsets me. I just seem to be surrounded by people who are mentally ill.
Sorry, just fed up with it all.
I'm actually awake now, because he keeps going to the toilet. Which is a sign he can't sleep.
Oh well! 🙄

Shit, op, i could have written your post. The only thing I'd add is that dh self medicates with alcohol which brings a whole raft of problems with it. In fact I've become so fixated on the alcohol as i am worried it's spiralled into alcoholism that i almost forgot about the underlying issues. Then he reveals tonight that he hasn't taken his pills for five days. Ffs. No wonder he's been on a massive gender all weekend!
At what point do you say no? At what point do you say enough is enough? I take the sickness and health vow very seriously too. But fuck me, this is difficult.

I’m the mentally ill one in this house and I see how hard it is for my husband. I feel wracked with guilt over it mostly. We discussed it in family therapy and put a plan in place for when I’m very bad.
I’m germphobic, have ocd, ptsd, anxiety, depression, mania and intrusive thoughts. It’s a barrel of laughs when they all hit at once but I do my very best in the good times to make up for it all. I encourage him to go out more, meet his friends, play pool or football. Go to the gym more, have a few drinks and I spend loads of time with the kids. The bad times are bad though and it is so very tough on him. I’m my good times I’ve written him letters trying to explain my head and my frustration and anger is not at him it’s at me, I tell him I love him in those letters too. He has a stash of them to open if he needs them. It’s so hard and I can only hope if the roles were reversed I’d be as good to him as he has been to me

OP I don't know that I can offer any useful advice but you sound so lovely and caring. I have suffered from bad anxiety for the last couple of years following a traumatic situation. My DH was incredibly supportive.

Now my DH is suffering from a severe bout of depression and anxiety and I don't know what to do. I try and give him the same advice that he gave me but he won't accept it.

It is so tough and I really feel for you. He is very lucky to have you

YADNBU. I can really feel for you all. My DH has very complicated MH and it has been hell on earth many times and extremely worrying and often frightening. I know exactly what you mean about never knowing how things are going to be or for how long. He is the dearest person inside but the MH problems distort him horribly. Its a blur of emotions and reactions alot of the time and we have had some very dark times... and it has nearly broken both of us.

I have often wondered if I wil will ever get my DH back :( but I think/hope we may be getting somewhere a bit now after lots of hard work and struggle (and stern words) learning to manage triggers, emotions, patience coping, etc, sometimes just putting one foot on front of the other and letting that be enough.

I try hard not to enable the illness but equally he needs so much help to get by.

I wanted to suggest trying the MH charity Rethink for support both for sufferers but also for carers. We have a local Rethink carer's group where we live now and they have been a great support and source of information. I can really recommend having a look or giving them a call. I was very isolated but having others to turn to who understand the complexity, the walking on eggshells and the stigma etc, has really helped keep me going. Also the charity Mind may have similar support - just depends where you live. Hope anyone who eants it can find some locally to them

[fowers] to you all

I can relate to so many of these posts it's unreal, some good advice too!

💐 it really is therapeutic to read everyone's story's on here. Well done OP, I think you've started one of those threads that will grow and grow and become a place we can all vent/seek reassurance that we're not alone when we need to 💐

Agree. Reading this was like a,breath of fresh air. It actually felt like coming up after drowning to read other people's experiences and know I'm not alone and I also agree, there's been some useful, thought -provoking advice. I didn't even know support groups existed for dependant of those with bad mh. Thank fuck for this thread

So many experiences that strike a chord! DH has mental health issues that are self diagnosed as he doesn’t think counselling works ( went once ) and won’t take medication as doesn’t want to be on drugs for the rest of his life. Instead, he self medicates with alcohol. As pp has said, this brings its own health worries. He used to use exercise but now has a joint issue so can’t walk far without limping in pain.

He’s constantly angry, I can’t plan anything as he won’t commit to going or will bail on the night. I have my own social circle that he’s glad I have yet moans every time I arrange to meet them. Nothing makes him happy. He’ll fully agree that he’s a good dad but a crap husband! And yes, sex is an issue, but when I’m knackered from working full time, running the house and doing the childcare, I don’t want to get it in with someone whose been in a mood all night discussing negative events in their life!

As pp have said though, I won’t leave. I love him and when he’s ‘him’ he’s great. But I do feel alone. That he hasn’t got my back anymore. I’m scared that one day he’ll turn round and say that he doesn’t want me anymore.

Sorry for the vent. for all

DD1 (27) has OCD, anxiety and depression. Mostly she lives in her room.
it's like sharing a house with a walking corpse. I have no idea what else to do or what the future holds for her - if anything.

I think there needs to be more public awareness to remove the stigma/taboo around admitting how difficult it is to support someone with a mental illness.

Reading all these posts from people who need the solidarity just highlights it more. It is really sad that people who quite possibly would feel happy to disclose their own mental illness to family, friends, colleagues etc can only voice how hard it is to support someone else's on an anonymous forum.

@dementedma
Is your DD getting any help? My DH is having therapy via Skype for OCD/anxiety/depression. You need someone who really understands OCD. I can recommend the Psychologist if you want, he is really really good. The way he handles DH is amazing. He is expensive though...£95 an hour!

DH got out of bed yesterday without doing his 3 hour ‘mental review’ first - with the help of the psychologist. We didn’t think it would be possible. He was buzzing all day...just need to try and maintain it now...