Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my DN is overweight?

151 replies

thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 13:17

I look after my DN regularly. He is 6. He has a health condition which has the potential to be made worse by being heavier. The other a day I had to weigh and measure one of my DC for a form. All the DC joined in (they like it being plotted on the wall). As DN was here he also joined in. Whenever I weigh and measure them I also put the figures in the NHS BMI calculator. DN is significantly chunkier than my DC but the calculator put him in the overweight category. To me he visually looks overweight too - it's not his build. He is chubby. Obviously this is a sensitive issue but as I said previously he has a health condition which won't be helped by being too heavy (joint based). I haven't said anything to my sil and I won't but I did mention it to my MIL on the premise that as a family we could work together to encourage them to be more active. She was very defensive, suggested that he wasn't overweight at all and just a different build to my DC. I did say to her that I wasn't being personal and it was an objective thing to say but I think I offended her.
WIBU unreasonable to have mentioned this to MIL?

OP posts:
CapnHaddock · 03/03/2018 13:19

I should imagine if he has a medical condition that his HCPs are able to provide advice and support to his family and they don't need you interfering.

FWIW if I found you'd weighed and measured my child without my consent, I'd never have you in my house again.

LockedOutOfMN · 03/03/2018 13:21

It's not your business. No good can come of talking about another child's weight.

It's weird that you put the heights and weights into the BMI calculator.

Birdsgottafly · 03/03/2018 13:22

Do you know enough to work out an exercise plan for a child with joint issues?

Has your help been asked for?

MiniCooperLover · 03/03/2018 13:22

You must know that mentioning it to your MIL means it'll get back to your SIL. It's not your business to try and work as a family to deal with it or anything to do with him:

liz70 · 03/03/2018 13:22

I think you need to butt out. Not your child, not your place.

MatildaTheCat · 03/03/2018 13:23

My experience is that HCL are terrified of discussing weight related matters. Many parents of overweight children are extremely defensive and insulted by any offers of advice or help.

Not sure what you can do other than act as a good role model with your dc when you are together.

Original poster
thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 13:23

As I said I wasn't weighting him as a deliberate thing it was just we needed to do it for one of my other DC. They all love having their height plotted.
I also attend his medical appointments. Whilst it has been mentioned that being overweight isn't good they have never specifically said it about him.

OP posts:
Casmama · 03/03/2018 13:23

I think you need to mind your own business.
Fine if your dn wanted to join in but you didn’t need to calculate his bmi- that was pure nosiness and I’m not surprised your MIL didn’t react well as you have overstepped the mark here.

blueskyinmarch · 03/03/2018 13:24

Yes YWBU. Even though your DN joined in with the weighing/measuring thing you had no right to be working out his BMI then talking to your MIL about it. It is not your place to try and get his family to be more active.

Floralnomad · 03/03/2018 13:24

You would have been better off speaking directly to his parent rather than MIL , as it will get back to her and she will likely be really annoyed that you were talking about her child behind her back . Big mistake OP .

DeathStare · 03/03/2018 13:26

What CapnHaddock said. There's a line; and it's now a small dot on the horizon somewhere behind you.

If he is visibly overweight his parents can see that just as easily as you can. If he has a health condition affected by weight, then his doctor/health care providers will be monitoring his weight.

I think you owe apologies all round. Please just tell me that you didn't share the children's weights/BMIs with them all?

Original poster
thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 13:28

Sorry to drip feed. I didn't mention the BMI to MIL only that I thought DN was overweight. I am in agreement that I shouldn't have done the BMI but I do it for mine just to check. Visually to me DN is overweight but I did wonder if it was my perception.
I understand that people think it is none of my business but if something could really impact on the long term health of someone you really care about would you not want to help?

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 03/03/2018 13:29

Would you feel the same (honestly?) if SIL Said the same to you about your child?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/03/2018 13:30

I agree that the bmi calculator stuff is weird.
I would say to my siblings if I thought their dc was getting a bit on the heavy side and they would mention it to me about my dc. But I wouldn't be too impressed if my ils decided to try and implement a fitness drive behind my back. I would see that as overstepping.
Often kids go through a chubby phase, then either have a growth spurt or their parents notice and take steps to reverse it or they discover new activities that help them get fitter. Being a chubby kid is not always a permament thing.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 03/03/2018 13:31

Speaking to other members of the extended family behind the child's parent's back and without sharing your "concern" with his parents makes your actions around a million times worse, you do know that don't you?

Its essentially gossip and shit stirring to go to your mil instead of his own parents. You were definitely being nosy - plotting his height along with your own kids is perfectly fine and nice, but why weigh him, note his weight and work out his BMI to talk to your MIL but not his parents about?

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 03/03/2018 13:32

You weighed him by accident / “because it’s fun” Hmm? Weird.

What’s a lot weirder is then putting your dn’s height and weight into the nhs bmi calculator Confused. What on earth made you think that was appropriate?

coffeemugged · 03/03/2018 13:33

Crikey OP only weighed the child - if that's an offence worthy of not letting your child back in the house then Confused

What is with all the MYOB anyway? She's his aunt. She's family! If she didn't care she would t be worried.

5plusMeAndHim · 03/03/2018 13:33

As I said I wasn't weighting him as a deliberate thing it was just we needed to do it for one of my other DC.

Yeah pull the other one!
.
You weighed measured,cakculated and plotted the BMI of someone elses child, and then passed this information on to a third party

CapnHaddock · 03/03/2018 13:34

So you attend all his medical appointments and he's never weighed and measured at any of them? I find that hard to believe

Avasarala · 03/03/2018 13:34

I'd have no problem saying something, but as a family, we're not backwards about being forward. And no one takes offence; weight has been mentioned about people in the family and the response is usually "you're right... we need to do something" and then we'll chat about how it's hard and help each other. We're a big, close family and if someone says something that is a bit out of line, then we'd tell them that but understand why they said it. You're a family; you should be able to say this stuff. I really don't understand the whole "none of your business thing" - it is.

stitchglitched · 03/03/2018 13:34

Did you really need to weigh your kids right at that moment when your DN was with you? You couldn't have waited until he left? You either engineered it so you could weigh him or you were pretty thoughtless to do so knowing he would want to join in when you already recognise he is overweight and he would be aware of the difference between himself and his cousins. I would be furious in his mother's position.

CapnHaddock · 03/03/2018 13:35

It's an invasion of privacy coffee. Although the OP neglected to mention that she attends all his medical appointments in the first post Hmm

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 03/03/2018 13:37

Coffee she's not worried, she's shit stirring under guise of worry. Weighing him is a minor issue compared to going gossiping about it to mil instead of talking to his parents. If she was genuinely worried she'd be asking how to bring the issue up with his parents.

Fortunately mil had enough sense and normal boundaries and didn't join in the gossip and comparison of her grandchildren, which pissed the op off.

liz70 · 03/03/2018 13:37

Do parents really need to calculate their child's BMI to decide if they're over (or under) weight or not? Seriously? How the fuck have humans managed to raise children for thousands of years without BMI calculators? What happened to using your eyes and common sense?

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/03/2018 13:37

I know someone who did this too. Her DN was taller and larger than her own son the same age. As they got older the DN just grew upwards and not outwards and is a "normal sized (whatever that is) teenager whereas her own child has an eating disorder!!