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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my DN is overweight?

151 replies

thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 13:17

I look after my DN regularly. He is 6. He has a health condition which has the potential to be made worse by being heavier. The other a day I had to weigh and measure one of my DC for a form. All the DC joined in (they like it being plotted on the wall). As DN was here he also joined in. Whenever I weigh and measure them I also put the figures in the NHS BMI calculator. DN is significantly chunkier than my DC but the calculator put him in the overweight category. To me he visually looks overweight too - it's not his build. He is chubby. Obviously this is a sensitive issue but as I said previously he has a health condition which won't be helped by being too heavy (joint based). I haven't said anything to my sil and I won't but I did mention it to my MIL on the premise that as a family we could work together to encourage them to be more active. She was very defensive, suggested that he wasn't overweight at all and just a different build to my DC. I did say to her that I wasn't being personal and it was an objective thing to say but I think I offended her.
WIBU unreasonable to have mentioned this to MIL?

OP posts:
HorsesCourses · 03/03/2018 14:56

My DS(2) is "very overweight". It's official. We have just had the Yr6 weigh in and the letter from the NHS.

It is a very difficult subject for my DC and I to face- even though I have been aware for a while, and trying to improve his diet and up his physical activities without saying anything whatsoever about weight to him.

I would be upset and defensive if a relative had weighed and BMI'd him, even with good intentions, just because it's so painful- you have to face up to the fact you are not looking after your child properly, they may have poor health in the future, other kids may tease and bully them, other adults may talk about you behind your back...
I didnt know how to broach it with my DS without hurting his feelings, damaging his self esteem.
Anyway, we have been offered diet and lifestyle sessions from the NHS and are going to engage with their professional expertise...
I would be upset by what OP has done even though I recognise her intentions are sincere.

RhubarbYoghurt · 03/03/2018 14:58

Hoiking not joining...obviously my pants have split in horror

Original poster
thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 15:00

Sorry can't help but bite back. I haven't flounced. I have just clearly acknowledged that I was in the wrong. I am going support my sil in an indirect manner.
My background is clinical exercise prescription (admittedly more in elderly patients) but I have dealt with a significant amount of joint related conditions and have a significant amount of knowledge in this area.

OP posts:
Makingworkwork · 03/03/2018 15:04

I think it was a error to discuss it with your MIL. By all means discuss it with your SIL but not with a third party.

RhubarbYoghurt · 03/03/2018 15:05

I'm still sucking air through my teeth...you know you are being unreasonable...massively

ElectricWhale · 03/03/2018 15:08

You know the rule: the messenger gets shot. I'm not sure that knowing who was BU is any help here.

MapleMuffins · 03/03/2018 15:11

I had a parent who used to plot my weight from an early age. I am 45 and a bulimic. My cousin had a mother who did the same- she's 40 and anorexic (as is my aunt).

I honestly do think regular plotting and charting of BMI is risky. Particularly if one DD is a dancer and having to be a certain 'ideal' weight that has little to do with health.

While I can see why your 6 year old DN got caught up in the game and fun of doing what everyone else was doing, I don't think you should go down that path again. It's too fraught with alot of issues that you need not get involved with.

CiderLolly · 03/03/2018 15:13

I was in a similar situation once, only it was my child that was weighed and the weight was commented on. I kept my mouth shut to keep the peace but I was silently seething. This was about 10 years ago and at the time my 3 year old was admittedly chunky. He grew in height and slimmed down, now a beanpole. The children in the other family are overweight. I think that's called karma. You never know what's round the corner.

MapleMuffins · 03/03/2018 15:14

And trust me- you say he's aged 6 and has no idea he's overweight......

My eldest is in Yr 3, and the weight shaming and 'fat' jibes directed at one of the chubbier boys and another slightly overweight girl is very much in evidence already.

Sparklesocks · 03/03/2018 15:17

Sorry but this really isn’t your business at all, he’s not your child. Any medical issues around weight will be picked up when he has his standard appointments and his parents can pick it up then (if they need to). You’re not a medical professional so this is nothing to do with you.
I can’t imagine this will go down well the parents at all.

Lunde · 03/03/2018 15:18

I had no idea why you would "accidently" calculate BMI and even less idea why you would tell MIL and not the child's parents.

You seem determined to stoke a family feud through your thoughtlessness.

TeaforTiger · 03/03/2018 15:23

I can see you had good intentions OP, but your behaviour has been completely inappropriate. I can't believe you calculated his BMI, that's such an invasion of his privacy! Discussing it with your MIL, also a terrible move.

Discuss with your SIL if you must, I think it's a brave thing to do but really carefully.

As a side, I check my DC's BMI every one and then. I don't want to be one of those 'He looks fine to me!' parents of an obviously-to-everyone-else over weight child, so I check.

MammaTJ · 03/03/2018 15:24

My DD is currently looking a little overweight. She is 12. She has a heart condition. I have now locked all the 'goodies' in a cupboard so she cannot sneak and help herself to them, she has to ask for the cupboard to be unlocked.

I know she is overweight, I have eyes in my head. I would not appreciate someone telling me what I can see for myself and am trying to address.

She is however, very physically active. She did 19 hours of karate lessons in February plus 4 visits a week to the gym, oh and she walks home from the gym too.

Snowyhere2018 · 03/03/2018 15:26

I think your intentions were good OP. And people seem to get far too overly emotional about weight issues (just take a look at the reaction about the ad for obesity being a cause of cancer). But what was lacking was tact. It would have been OK if the child was your sister or brother and you had a quiet word. But anyone more removed than that, unless an exceptionally good relationship, this won't go down well. Don't give yourself a hard time OP. You haven't committed a crime. Hopefully your Mil will take it on board somewhere and have a tactful chat with whichever child is the parent of your nephew.

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/03/2018 15:28

I honestly do think regular plotting and charting of BMI is risky. Particularly if one DD is a dancer and having to be a certain 'ideal' weight that has little to do with health.*

I agree it may set up disordered eating in kids (if done in too severe a manner) but I believe there's research to show that overweight adults who regularly track their weight are more likely to lose weight and keep it off compared with those who don't track it. Not sure where I heard that but was prob on BBC morning news at some point.

HamishBamish · 03/03/2018 15:33

It's a difficult one. I don't see my DN often (they live in the US), but when I saw her last summer I thought she looked overweight. Not massively so, but definitely chubby. It wouldn't have surprised me at all if she had crossed over into the overweight BMI category.

That said, she doesn't have any other health issues. I don't think I would ever mention it to my brother as I'm sure he is aware and no doubt keeping an eye on it. She does a lot of sport and didn't appear to each unhealthily, so it might just be a matter of her putting on a bit of weight before a growth spurt as kids sometimes do.

I do weigh my own kids every few months or so and they like to keep a track of that and their height in their red books. I also work out their BMI. I don't think that's strange, just sensible. It's easy to let these things get out of control and before you know it you have a big job on your hands to rein it in. They do a lot of sport, but I don't think that negates a healthy diet and allows them to eat what they like.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 03/03/2018 15:36

You may be knowledgeable about seniors and the importance of movement, however your very ignorant about childhood weight issues.
Support nutritious foods and allow the child to grow into his weight (remember bmi is height and weight).
So while at your support healthy snacks.

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 03/03/2018 15:38

YABU!

You clearly orchestrated this just at the time your DN was with you. That is very deceitful.

You are also going to cause problems for your children, if you keep up with the weighing and checking their bmi (which isn't reliable anyway and is very weird).

There's no problem with having the scales on show in the bathroom (I do this too) but I certainly never use them in the way you do.

If you thought you were in the right, you wouldn't have gone to your MIL, you'd have gone straight to your SIL.

Just because you've worked with elderly people, in a similar way, means nothing. A 6 year old with those kinds of problems will:

A: Be restricted in movement and clearly not as able to burn as much energy as others his age. Therefore, rendering him more overweight.

B: Obviously have his weight monitored by medical teams at his appointments. They just don't keep talking about it!

MrTurtleLikesKisses · 03/03/2018 15:46

I can't believe the number of people saying that checking his BMI was weird. It's not weird at all. In fact, it's the only reliable way to determine if a child is a healthy weight for their height and age.

Parents are notoriously poor at judging whether or not their children are a healthy weight. My DS is chubby. Has been from very young really. I was glad when he turned 2 and I could use the NHS BMI calculator and see if he was actually a healthy weight or not. I'd mentioned his "chubbiness" to friends/family who all said he was fine, he'd grow up and get skinny, he eats SO healthily, he's so active....ALL the clichés.
He was overweight. A year later, at 3, I checked again and he was very overweight (obese). I'd been looking at him every day, everyone told me he was normal/fine etc. He clearly wasn't. BMI has its place.

incywincybitofa · 03/03/2018 15:49

The chances are the reasons that your DN is overweight is probably more complicated than your SIL sticking him in front of the telly with a pack of jammy dodgers a Dairy Milk and fizzy drinks every day after school
Your MIL probably has a understanding of what is going on than you. You should stick to monitoring your children on the NHS BMI website, which seems un-necessary for your DN and your DC (I am fairly sure the forms don't call for that detail) that way if you are spot on in your weight management of the children you can stand triumphant at the end, and if it catastrophic to a healthy weight relationship for them well it's only them you mess it up for.

Butteredparsn1ps · 03/03/2018 16:01

OP I mean thus kindly. I've worked with exercise professionals in Cardiac Rehab programmes. They are brilliant and enthusiastic, and well liked.

What they don't have is the broad knowledge and experience that health professionals have.

Please leave your DN to actual health professionals

RhubarbYoghurt · 03/03/2018 16:05

Arthritis in children is an entirely different disease to Arthritis in adults if that is what he has. As a 90 year old. My daughter will still be said to have Juvenile Arthritis. As a student nurse the treatment plans for adults that I am learning to deal with are different to the treatment plan I saw with my child.

You're his auntie. Your job is to be his auntie and love him and let him have fun. He sees enough health care professionals and you don't want to blur those lines with him.

His weight gain could be from his medication or if he is in flare up. My daughter often bloated due to her meds

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 03/03/2018 16:36

I think you would have been better mentioning it to the child's parent rather than your MIL.

It is such a tricky situation. Everyone wants to be so PC and genuinely kind, but ignoring someone being overweight, does that person no good at all.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 03/03/2018 16:48

I am gobsmacked by all the people saying YABU. If a child's close family member can't mention something which directly affects a child's health without being accused of being underhand or sneaky, then I really don't know what sort of society we're turning into.

Childhood obesity is a huge public health problem. The OP has come back several times to clarify her post. Admittedly, BMI is now judged as a rather blunt tool and not that reliable, but it's all we have as non-HCPs to make a rough judgement about the weight category our children sit in.

What the OP hasn't made clear is if the SIL/BIL know about it already and are ignoring the problem. Do they feed DN crap food? Or is it something they are aware of but struggle with because of his joint problems.

Regardless, I think OP has been given a ridiculously hard time when it's clear she cares about her DN and is looking out for his welfare.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 03/03/2018 16:51

Also, mentioning it to the MIL might be appropriate within their specific family dynamics. I live next door to my MIL and she is heavily involved in childcare. Discussing something like this would not be unusual or considered inappropriate. Pussyfooting around childhood obesity (which is what society has done for years, and still does to some extent) is doing a lot of kids no good whatsoever.