To say my DN is overweight?

[thedcbrokemybank]

I look after my DN regularly. He is 6. He has a health condition which has the potential to be made worse by being heavier. The other a day I had to weigh and measure one of my DC for a form. All the DC joined in (they like it being plotted on the wall). As DN was here he also joined in. Whenever I weigh and measure them I also put the figures in the NHS BMI calculator. DN is significantly chunkier than my DC but the calculator put him in the overweight category. To me he visually looks overweight too - it's not his build. He is chubby. Obviously this is a sensitive issue but as I said previously he has a health condition which won't be helped by being too heavy (joint based). I haven't said anything to my sil and I won't but I did mention it to my MIL on the premise that as a family we could work together to encourage them to be more active. She was very defensive, suggested that he wasn't overweight at all and just a different build to my DC. I did say to her that I wasn't being personal and it was an objective thing to say but I think I offended her.
WIBU unreasonable to have mentioned this to MIL?

What happened to using your eyes and common sense?

No one wants to admit that their kid is fat because they see it as a value judgement against their child and their parenting abilities.

He's 6. He's attending regular medical appointments. Regardless of your background, I very much doubt that you know more than the medical professionals treating him.
You need to back off and if you can't offer support at medical appointments without secretly weighing and measuring him, calculating his BMI and sharing that information with others thinking you know better than his parents then you may want to reconsider your role in his life.
I don't know any medical professional who wouldn't raise any relevant issue with parents. I do know that DCs are very susceptible to messages about weight and if you mishandled conversations about food, weight, etc, you can create more problems than you solve.

Lots of extreem responses on this thread, and they’re not even related to your DN. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

To be fair fuckoff it is a value judgement on their parenting.

Wow some of the assumptions on this thread are incredible.

1. 1 of my DC is a dancer. They like to apply for various programs/shows.The applications always require height and weight. I am never very organized and end up leaving it to the last minute.
2. My DC get measured as and when, for instance, if I feel like they have had a growth spurt. They are not weighed unless there is a reason but if one is doing it they are generally quite interested. It is not like I record it (unless for a form) but i do quickly whizz it through the bmi calculator as they are different builds so I just want to check they are within a healthy range. I don't share this with them.
3. Why would we be discreet about weighing and measuring? It's not like it's a dirty secret. It is done when required for whatever reason. Possibly once a year, sometimes can be more depending on how far apart applications are. I have no reason to hide it and make it into something it's not.

Wow I would be pissed if my family went as far to put it in a BMI calculator. Joining in on the "game" yeah but BMI I would not be happy and it's just plain weird.

OP why are you even measuring your children’s BMI?

Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, about a relevant medical condition, it is not a normal part of child development. It’s what people with food issues do.

And yes if I were SIL I would be fuming. If DN is overweight, his parents can see it, and how they manage it is their choice.

If you did have to weigh your child and your nephew had to join in then why did you input his details into the BMI calculator? That makes little sense to me unless you wanted to know what his BMI is because you're nosy

Ah no you wasn't "just doing it" you knew full well what you were doing

Researchers at NYU Langone Medical Center studied a group of 3,151 kids from 2007-2012. 95% of parents of overweight boys and 93% of parents of overweight girls said their kids were “about the right weight.”

This is why. I have one super skinny kid and one who is a much bigger build. I don't always trust my perception.

You could be discreet so as not to put your noticably overweight DN in the position of a group weigh in along with his 'skinny' cousins. It strikes me as more likely that you were curious about his weight than that you simply had no choice but to do said weigh in at that exact moment and calculate his BMI afterwards, but if you have concerns and are close enough to attend his appts with your SIL then a sensitive chat with her might have been more appropriate than involving your MIL.

So you know this child is seen regularly by a medical team, do you not think if they were in the slightest bit concerned they would say something and monitor the weight?

I have a ds at the opposite end of the spectrum and because he is underweight it is one of things his consultants make sure they plot every time they see him.

I get that you are concerned but there is a fine line between concern and interference

Probably’s quite hard to run around and be active when you have a joint condition anyhow.
You are mistaken that HCP won’t be monitoring his weight.

I don’t get why people are so incredulous about you keepingn an eye on your own kids’ Bmi s.
I work out my kids a couple of times a year for a similar reason-one is pretty skinny and one is a bit chunkier (both normal bmi). Without the knowledge that they were normal I fear I would be tempted to feed one up and ‘restrict’ the other. As it is we keep on an even keel.
I even plot it in their red books-so sue me!

There's a very big difference between noticing a child is overweight and mentioning it directly to the parents as a sign of concern. And 'Just by chance' calculating BMI behind the parents back and telling your MIL the kid is overweight. You sound an absolute delight

Given the huge emphasis on obesity among health care professionals i'd be amazed if they didn't have their eye on it.

It can't be anything other than personal to suggest that your DN is overweight and your MIL's reaction suggests that you overstepped the line.

I would speak to your SIL.

OP another here who is concerned at your over interest in your children’s weights. Even if you don’t share the info with them you are instilling a behaviour in them that is preoccupied with weighing/weight, unless their is a risk to your DD’s health requiring you to weigh her then I strongly suggest you stop before you cause long term damage and potential eating disorders. All my DD’s were chubby when this age, it is they way they are built and all children are different. They grow out of it!! Sadly one then went in to be anorexic and I would never want anyone to go through that with a child! As long as they are happy and healthy is all that matters.

YABU and may well be setting your DN and your own DC on the path towards disordered eating.
The BMI is bullshit and completely useless as a measure of health. We don't have an 'obesity crisis' in this country, we have a decades-long, dangerous scam (which is rooted in straightforward misogyny) that persists in telling people (particularly women) that placing wierd restrictions on their food intake is not only 'good' for them but a moral imperative.
It's perfectly all right not to be thin. IT IS OK TO BE FAT. It's entirely possible to be fat and a lot healthier than a very thin person who is only thin due to disordered eating and who is not physically active.

As a mother of a child with an eating disorder I can tell you that the BMI doesn't mean they are healthy! My daughter hasn't fallen below her 'healthy weight range' EVER.

I am leaving this thread now. I can appreciate that calculating his BMI is wrong hence the fact I would not share that information and have not. I added it here to give context in that it isn't just my perception and that he is actually overweight. I wouldn't do it again.
Weighing and measuring my own children is really a non-issue. I am perfectly happy with how I deal with this and have no worries long term.
DN has no idea he is overweight. He is six years old. He has no ideas what any numbers mean. He has no idea he is any different to any other child and that's how it should stay. Our scales were out in the bathroom. It is not some dirty secret. If they were out in that bathroom again and he stepped on them (a perfectly plausible scenario as they only live under a set of shelves) I would certainly not make a deal out if it.
I love my DN dearly. It makes me sad that something that is easily fixable mght have an impact on him but as you say it is not my business and I will leave them to it. It seems I was being unreasonable in sharing a concern that DN is overweight with MIL but I can assure this did not come from a place of malice just a frustration at not knowing really what to do.

Have you ignored all the posters saying you should share this insight into dn’s health and weight with your SIL? You know, his actual parent?

Sorry if I have missed this, does he have problems with his joints?

My dd1 has a condition which can worsen if she gains too much weight and if she doesn’t exercise enough, it’s hard to get her to eat the right things as she has a lot of sensory issues around food. Exercise is also hard as she’s often in pain due to her condition.

I think if I was your SIL what I would find helpful was not to coment about his weight but to encourage him to try different/new activities that might get him moving more and too encourage healthy eating whilst he’s at yours (I know this isn’t much use if she’s not feeding him good food at home but it will make him more likely to pick healthier choices). My daughter is very stuburn, physio have given her exercises to do and told her to swim but she refuses. It’s not always easy to get them to move around more.

Dd went through a chubby stage just before puberty and now she’s thinned out a little bit her diet is still poor despite my best efforts.

My child has had joint issues Rheumatoid Arthritis

She ate a varied diet mostly healthy but the condition caused her pain so her weight would fluctuate depending on her being in flare and on certain medications.

I would be incandescent if a family member felt that they had the need to go behind my back and both weigh and measure my child and decide they needed a plan.

I was in regular contact with her consultant and team who offered dietary advice and exercises.

A child with join issues can't just be sent to do mainstream exercise. You need low impact and the risk of muscle damage is higher as you already have joint damage.

Mind your own and support the family but I don't understand how you feel the need or the right to make steps unless you are a health care professional with experience of the condition and all it entails bringing a child up with said illness.

I'm currently sucking air through my teeth and joining my judgey pants at you.

Ah don’t bother @lovemusic. The op’s gone off in an “oh I’ll just keep my thoughts to myself in future then” style flounce .

Completely ignoring the fact that a lot of people have said it’s fine to be genuinely concerned about his weight. What isn’t fine imho, is the way the op has handled it - ie having a sneaky peep at his bmi “by accident” and then feeding back the info to someone other than the boy’s parents.