Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my DN is overweight?

151 replies

thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 13:17

I look after my DN regularly. He is 6. He has a health condition which has the potential to be made worse by being heavier. The other a day I had to weigh and measure one of my DC for a form. All the DC joined in (they like it being plotted on the wall). As DN was here he also joined in. Whenever I weigh and measure them I also put the figures in the NHS BMI calculator. DN is significantly chunkier than my DC but the calculator put him in the overweight category. To me he visually looks overweight too - it's not his build. He is chubby. Obviously this is a sensitive issue but as I said previously he has a health condition which won't be helped by being too heavy (joint based). I haven't said anything to my sil and I won't but I did mention it to my MIL on the premise that as a family we could work together to encourage them to be more active. She was very defensive, suggested that he wasn't overweight at all and just a different build to my DC. I did say to her that I wasn't being personal and it was an objective thing to say but I think I offended her.
WIBU unreasonable to have mentioned this to MIL?

OP posts:
Original poster
thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 13:39

I have to measure and weigh one of my DC on a regular basis. I always do a BMI check and no I never share the results with them or anyone else. One of my DC is super skinny so I'm generally just checking that they fall into a normal range. It may seem odd to do the BMI but children are all different shapes and sizes and I wasn't sure if it was just my perception. I will re-iterate that I have not shared that information anywhere and have no intention of doing so.
I was gossiping at all either. I had just attended a significant medical appointment with DN and MIL was asking about it. I had said I was surprised they hadn't addressed his weight as this could be a factor. That was when she was getting uppity.

OP posts:
selftitledalbum · 03/03/2018 13:40
Biscuit
pestilentialboundary · 03/03/2018 13:40

There are four million over weight children in the UK.

Sssh, don't mention it. It is not your business if he exasperates his health condition or develops diabetes.

MacaroniPenguin · 03/03/2018 13:41

Why didn't you tell your SIL?

If it was an OK thing for you to have done you should be happy to share it with her. Family or not, if you are doing things to your nephew that you are keeping from his parents, you should be able to see that is wrong.

Confusedbeetle · 03/03/2018 13:42

No None of your business. I would be furious as as a parent, it implies criticism. BMI is totally unreliable as a health measure

LML83 · 03/03/2018 13:43

if you are close enough to attend medical appointments then you are close enough to have a conversation with SIL if you suspect she is not aware of the issue. Likely she can see it too and will be working on it.

It was thoughtless to measure/weigh DN when he is bigger. I would have measured for form at another time or said I didn't have time to measure everyone just now.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 03/03/2018 13:43

The weighing and BMI calculating was nothing to do with his medical appointments was it, no wonder your MIL "got uppity" at you playing at doctors.

Why on earth do you attend his medical appointments with your MIL? That's a very odd set up.

Mymycherrypie · 03/03/2018 13:43

My friends child is massively overweight. Friend can’t tell at all and doesn’t actually make any excuses because to them there is no problem to make an excuse for. She can’t see it. Child is in the obese category (I know as friend was incredulous when the letter came back from school and asked if I thought she should contest it)

I didn’t say anything except that we are more used to seeing overweight children and that because of it, it’s harder to judge by sight.

We often go out bike riding with them so the child is getting more active and I know their SIL had a word and they are now addressing their diet so actually, sometimes, talking about it does work out.

stitchglitched · 03/03/2018 13:44

You didn't need to weigh your DC right at that minute though did you? You chose to do so at a time when your DN was there and would want to join in with the other kids just so you could check his BMI.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 03/03/2018 13:46

Talking to the parents about it though mymy and pestilential - the op is gossiping behind the child's parent's back without mentioning her supposed "concern" to the parents at all!

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 03/03/2018 13:46

There are four million over weight children in the UK.

Sssh, don't mention it. It is not your business if he exasperates his health condition or develops diabetes.

Nobody is saying this^ Hmm. Are you being deliberately^ obtuse? It’s fine to mention it. What’s bloody creepy is weighing him and then putting the info into a bmi calculator, (without sharing the results with anyone - op’s own words), instead of the op just saying to sil in the first place that she thinks her dn is overweight.

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/03/2018 13:48

I think that if you're trusted enough to attend his medical appointments then you should be trusted enough to comment on (non-expert) medical matters. MIL/SIL may well be offended but if it ends up with the child being healthier in the long run then I'd say it's worth it. For the nuclear option I'd privately ask the doctor to bring it up with them independently (i.e. when you're not there) so it is definitely on their radar.

Mind you I come from the sort of family who stand back and say 'You've put on weight, haven't you?' and get surprised if you take umbrage Grin I'm assured it comes from a place of love!

Chienrouge · 03/03/2018 13:49

I’m actually on the fence with this one. I think it’s hard as a parent to recognise when our children are overweight. We say ‘it takes a village to raise a child’... should this only apply to things like helping out with childcare, or should it also apply to concerns we have about children who are close to us/we care about?
Having said that, if he has a health condition that is monitored, and it’s known that being overweight would exacerbate his condition, I’d be very surprised if him mum isn’t already aware and hasn’t just chosen not to discuss it with you.

macbethh · 03/03/2018 13:50

You need to mind your own business. Sorry.

ItsASairFecht · 03/03/2018 13:50

Dont't be THAT relative would be my advice. Only bad feeling and hurt will ensue.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2018 13:50

You have to weigh one of your DC? Or you do it "just to check" because they are "super skinny"?

You do seem rather obsessed with weight OP? Are you? Checkingall kids BMI is a bit...erm..obsessive

But I agree, if I were you I would be concerned. But it is nigh on impossible to raise this without causing offence as it is, on the face of it, not your business.

Original poster
thedcbrokemybank · 03/03/2018 13:51

You didn't need to weigh your DC right at that minute though did you? You chose to do so at a time when your DN was there and would want to join in with the other kids just so you could check his BMI.

Actually I did need to. As I mentioned previously I needed to send a form for another of my DC. There was a deadline for it to be in. I look after DN regularly so he is often here.
I have an indirect medical background and sil isn't confident when asking dr's questions.
DN was weighed and measured at initial appointment but not in the follow ups since.

OP posts:
Avasarala · 03/03/2018 13:51

She's not gossiping! The mother in law asks about the appointment, presumably wanting to know how his health is and in a conversational manner, the OP mentioned weight... probably trying to get help months best way to say it to the parents. Should she havengons straight to be parents - yes.. But she's not gossiping or stirring.
I feel genuinely upset at the school gates due to the amount if fat children... not puppy fat or grow-out-of-it fat... just fat kids because their parents feed them junk. We chat, you hear them all the time saying they've no time to cook so it will be pizza again tongith or whatever and it's disgusting. But I can't day anything coz I don't know them week enough. When it's family, you say something or it's another fat child who's going to have a load of health problems later on.

FancyNewBeesly · 03/03/2018 13:51

Forget the DN, YABU to have so much focus on height and weight for your (by your admission) perfectly healthy and normal children. You’re setting them up for an obsession / eating disorder (from personal experience). Please tell me you don’t plot their weight on the wall too!

Chienrouge · 03/03/2018 13:51

I also don’t think talking to MIL about it was the right way to go about raising concerns. If you are genuinely worried and coming from a place of love, talk to SIL. Don’t gossip.

stitchglitched · 03/03/2018 13:54

I don't believe that you had no other opportunity to weigh your child other than when your DN was there, assuming he doesn't live with you. But even if it was absolutely your only chance you could have done it discreetly instead of turning it into a group activity.

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/03/2018 13:57

Not such a big deal that you weighed him. I'd weigh my DN if he was out with me and I was weighing my daughter.
I'd also tell my dsis if I felt he was over or underweight. He was underweight at one point but this was addressed. We aren't bothered about discussing these things with each other but we have that kind of relationship.
FWIW, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on BMI as kids change with each growth spurt. See how it goes.

macbethh · 03/03/2018 13:58

Forget the DN, YABU to have so much focus on height and weight for your (by your admission) perfectly healthy and normal children. You’re setting them up for an obsession / eating disorder

This^

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/03/2018 13:58

Definitely speak with SIL tactfully.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/03/2018 13:58

What happened to using your eyes and common sense?

Researchers at NYU Langone Medical Center studied a group of 3,151 kids from 2007-2012. 95% of parents of overweight boys and 93% of parents of overweight girls said their kids were “about the right weight.”

Swipe left for the next trending thread