To say my DN is overweight?

[thedcbrokemybank]

I look after my DN regularly. He is 6. He has a health condition which has the potential to be made worse by being heavier. The other a day I had to weigh and measure one of my DC for a form. All the DC joined in (they like it being plotted on the wall). As DN was here he also joined in. Whenever I weigh and measure them I also put the figures in the NHS BMI calculator. DN is significantly chunkier than my DC but the calculator put him in the overweight category. To me he visually looks overweight too - it's not his build. He is chubby. Obviously this is a sensitive issue but as I said previously he has a health condition which won't be helped by being too heavy (joint based). I haven't said anything to my sil and I won't but I did mention it to my MIL on the premise that as a family we could work together to encourage them to be more active. She was very defensive, suggested that he wasn't overweight at all and just a different build to my DC. I did say to her that I wasn't being personal and it was an objective thing to say but I think I offended her.
WIBU unreasonable to have mentioned this to MIL?

I think all you can do is offer healthy food when he’s with you and encourage him to be active with the other children when he’s with you (so long as his condition allows it). As you’ve seen from the reaction from your MIL people can be quite blind to the fact a child close to them has a weight issue. I would only mention it to one of his parents if you are SURE it would be well received. Most will view it as a criticism and become defensive.

Well done a lot of previous posters, you made a load of unfounded assumptions about the OP in order to construct a stick to beat her with and then beat her so hard she had to leave her own thread. I hope it made you feel good to make her feel bad.

I’m also totally sure that’s how you’d speak to people in reality - not. I’d have firm words with my kids if they piled in on line against someone for the sport of it.

The child is under the care of HCPs. They will be monitoring his weight.

Missing the point of the thread, but BMIs really shouldn't be used for young children. The centile charts give a much better idea of what their ideal weight should be, give or take 2 lines either side. Having said that, if he looks overweight, then he probably is.

Going back to your AIBU, I don't think it's wrong to voice a genuine concern in a gentle way, but if you were actually concerned you should have had a conversation with his parents, not the MIL. That comes across as gossiping.

I don’t think yabu. Maybe if more people actually had a kind word we wouldn’t need have so many overweight and obese children but everyone is too scared even when it’s blindly obvious with parents in denyal. When I very rarely step on the scales my children like to copy I make a mental note and stick it in my phone to keep an eye on them. All so far in healthy ranges. One child has joint problems and another is likely to also be diagnosed as is showing signs like middle child. It’s not healthy for children to be overweight and it installs bad habits in them. My children would gorge on junk if I let them but I don’t but they also are not banned just limited.

BMI is fine to be used for children -
NHS

For children and young people aged two to 18, the BMI calculator takes into account age and gender as well as height and weight.

A child's BMI is expressed as a "centile" to show how their BMI compares to children who took part in national surveys. For example, a girl on the 75th centile is heavier than 75 out of 100 other girls her age.

Keeping an eye on your child's development includes lots of things. 100 years ago we didn't want our kids to starve, now we have different issues to face.

I have an indirect medical background and sil isn't confident when asking dr's questions.
DN was weighed and measured at initial appointment but not in the follow ups since

Wouldn't it have been kinder all round not to Lord it over MIL/SIL , but to mention it to the Doctor/nurse, discreetly, at the next appointment which you attend with your nephew?

why do neither his mum or dadt take him to medical appointments?
.Who does his mum ask to take him, you or his grandma? I don't see why the other one needs to tag along.

Your SIL is your DH's sister or his brothers wife?

Who weighs and measures their children when they have a visiting child over? I think you engineered weighing him and taking his height specifically to get his BMI.

I am not surprised your MIL was defensive, you were trying to engage her in talking about her dgc behind his parents backs and working our what you could do to encourage them to be less fat without telling them!! How can you not see how intrusive, offensive, patronising, judgemental and rude you are being? No one needs that kind of "indirect support".

What does your dh think about all this? He should have told you to MYOB before you got anywhere near his mum.

For all the right and wrong of measuring/weighing a nephew whom she is obviously close to.. let's just not forget one important thing. The child is overweight. !

However let's not mention it.

Let's pretend it's not real.
Let's 'leave it to the parents and keep our beaks out'

My neighbours youngest was fat. I was a close friend and managed to bring myself to ask if she had had letters from school about his weight. She wasn't offended (luckily) but incredibly dismissive.. 'yes I've had lots of them but they don't understand that all our family are big. He's not fat he just has big bones like me' .. all said , standing in the kitchen whilst her DS climbed on the worktops to access the 'goodies' cupboard and help himself to his 3rd (that I'd seen) packet of crisps.
Sometimes parents can't or don't want to see what's in front of them. To acknowledge it is to admit you have made a mistake in your parenting.
My dear neighbour and her husband were both morbidly obese. So perhaps they felt acknowledgment would mean looking at themselves too.

He is now 17. Quite depressed and has type 2 diabetes. I think he also has sleep apnoea. Both are life threatening.

But hey let's 'mind our own business ' let's stop 'gossiping' and 'shit stirring' because this child obesity epidemic will go away if we just worry about upsetting people and all keep quiet .

Good on you OP. If you had done a routine check on your child's feet for verrucas and found a suspicious lump on your nephews foot.. something that could be nothing but could also kill him early. I expect you would have got a flaming if you had looked it up on the internet , seen it could be something serious but decided NOT to mention it to anyone. Because they might be upset by it..

Get a grip everyone. This is not a mind your own business issue. It's deadly serious. Obesity kills . and on the way to that untimely death is a pretty miserable time as a fat teenager.

We are in serious danger of being the first generation to die before our children since the First World War. Sod people being upset. Sometimes they need to hear it.

YANBU. Sick and tired of this new trend of glossing over obesity like it's no big deal. The child is in danger of forming serious medical problems that could cut his life short and make it miserable.

It is child abuse just the same as it would be child abuse if a parent was starving their child. But with the new age of 'fat is fabulous' you apparently can't say anything because it is fat shaming. She is slowly killing her own child and clearly doesn't care. It's disgusting and should be reported.

An adult deciding to not diet and 'embrace curves' is completely different. It's their choice to damage their bodies. But a child, seriously? How can you ever look at your own son or daughter and see them becoming unhealthy and just do nothing about it? It's your job as a parent to make sure your child is healthy and happy, not doing that is neglect no matter how much you sugar coat it.

And of course on mumsnet everyone's child is a special needs SEN child who has loads of stuff wrong with them and how dare I call out others people's parenting without knowing circumstances. A child with disabilities or medical problems that cause side effects such as weight gain are not the same as an otherwise healthy child who is left to gain an unhealthy amount of weight without a shit given from the parent.

You were well in your rights to mention that your DN was overweight OP. Whether or not she cares enough to do something about it is a different story. If she doesn't, I would speak to the school and talk to SS to see what other action could be taken (probably not any tbh).

Well said Capricorn. Seems we were both thinking the same thing at the same time !

So OP look after and presumably cares for this child

But she can’t comment on a pretty serious health issue ? What a strange POV

I think a slowly slowly approach is best - watch and wait a bit OP

If this child has Arthritis then it's likely that they may NOT be overweight.

Part of the disease process is swelling up as joints are inflamed. It wasn't uncommon for my daughter to have several sizes in her wardrobe.

The medication also has a huge bearing on weight as it is a mixture of methotrexate, nsaids and anti tnf.

These children struggle with exercise that their peers do and are often advised to take up non impact sports to protect them from further joint damage.

There are an awful lot of people talking about overweight children and BMI.

Yes keeping slim is important but often these kids will struggle.

This child doesn't have arthritis.
He doesn't take any medication.
He will hopefully recover with no long term effects but his weight is something that will impact on this.
He has been very lucky in that his mobility has not been affected significantly. He is aware of his limitations as are his parents.
My sil and bil are both overweight. They certainly don't feed him full of shit though. They are great parents but I think my sil lacks some confidence in physical activity as she is not a particularly active person.
The reason I didn't bring it up directly with her is that I think she would feel incredibly guilty. She doesn't need that right now.
I attend appointments with SIL as she initially felt a little overwhelmed by the language etc and asked me to come along. I am very interested in that kind of stuff and have done a significant amount of research.
I have a lot of experience and am educated to a high level.
I want to help my DN not gossip or punish anyone.

Children grow. The recommended approach is to maintain their weight, eat healthy portions and food types and allow them to grow into their weight.

Talk about a drip feed...

The reason I didn't bring it up directly with her is that I think she would feel incredibly guilty. She doesn't need that right now.

So you left MIL to tell her?

If you are so good with the medics why don't you have a discreet word with them next time you are hand holding at DNs appointment and let them have a word if THEY deem it necessary

How would you feel if your SIL gave your kids a spelling test and told MIL they were not that bright?

My daughter is overweight and believe me, I'm well aware of it. I'm constantly trying to improve her diet (we have good food she just overeats), encourage exercise (she's the kind of kid who studies a lot and doesn't like sport). My mother got her to weight herself and all that did was upset her and make her more self conscious about exercise. Didn't help.

So many responses on this thread shed a little light on why childhood weight issues are very difficult to address!
My niece is overweight and has been since she was about 7. Her mum is too. I did have a brief chat with her mum about it, but she can't see the problem because she is big herself and has little self-control where food is concerned, so has limited ability to help her DD.

Thing is, talking to them about it achieves nothing except to make them feel bad, which, if they have low self-esteem issues or guilt issues, just makes those worse. Unless and until they see it for themselves or have it forcibly borne in upon them by their medical advisors, then all you will do is alienate them.

I can't help but wonder how it made your overweight nephew feel to be weighed alongside his skinny cousins. Don't have an issue with you talking to your sil if you are concerned about weight but I think actually weighing him with yours and plotting the weights is insensitive to him.

Is he always quite chubby or could he be about to grow?

Our children occasionally look like they are heading towards being overweight then next thing I know is they have a growth spurt and look slim again.

It's really hard to sit back, say nothing and watch a close friend or relative overfeed their child.

Then watch as that child gets heavier and heavier.

I have had to watch this with one close relative and one close friend.

I wouldn't dream of saying something. They both knew there was an issue and one has worked through what was causing the problem (portion size) and the other is still trying.

They will get there without me saying anything.

I haven't said anything to my sil and I won't but I did mention it to my MIL

Curious why you mentioned these relatives but not Db or Fil.

The reason I didn't bring it up directly with her is that I think she would feel incredibly guilty.

So why did you raise it with mil? What action do you think she could take without letting her dd and son in law in on it?

The best thing would probably be to find a way of raising this directly with sil. As many posters have been pointing out, obesity is a huge problem in this country and parents don’t always see it. But, I understand

you not feeling brave enough to do that. If that’s the case and you were never going to raise it with his parents, then you were out of line ‘investigating’ just how overweight your overweight dn is imo, (as you’ve been gracious enough to admit). If you’d just been concerned that he was looking overweight you could either have mentioned it to sil or not. The whole weighing him, finding out bmi, discussing with mil part, never needed to happen and your recent post saying you never planned to raise it with his parents only makes me wonder why you did it even more if it wasn’t just nosiness.