I feel sick....and please be gentle as I don’t know where to turn and I haven’t eaten for days out of worry.
My daughter is the eldest of four. She along with her brother is from my first marriage, and I had another two children when I remarried. My dd1 has always had good contact with her dad, who is in a solid relationship with a lovely lady who has no children. DD1 also has a fairly good relationship with step dad, although in her view, we are probably more “strict” than she would like. She is in her first year of 6th form and is doing very well academically. She also competes at a national level in sport (won’t say which one as it might “out” me.)
She has always had a problem with telling a “tall story” and lying in order to get out of trouble. Things such as lying about her whereabouts, or why was late home etc. Obviously I know that lots of teenagers do this, and it is a part of growing up. She is a bit of a drama queen, and has managed to make several “storm in a tea-cup” type situations over the past couple of years. She is fairly good at making new friends and maintaining her friendships. She thrives on new experiences.
The problem is that she got a job when she turned 16, and through that she has been introduced to a crowd of people, and in particular a boy, who have encouraged her to make some really silly decisions. She has been caught lying to get her own way (like saying she is studying at a friends house, when in fact she has been working a late night shift...we want to follow the school’s guidelines roughly about the number of hours a week a sixth former works, as ultimately, her education is the most important thing, and she is very keen to go to uni). Again, this has caused an argument, but nothing more than I guess being held across most households with 16 year old girls.
The boy comes from a very unstable background and lives at home with no boundaries whatsoever. Dd loves spending time there, and gets on with his family, including his sister who is about 20. There are lots of siblings in the house, many of whom dont work, but have children...it’s all just chaotic.
A few months ago, Dd dropped a grade and I was asked to the school to discuss, which I did. I was asked about changes at home, which there wasn’t, but I mentioned the boyfriend and discovered he was an ex pupil. I was basically told that the teachers felt that he would not be a good influence on her, due to the unmotivated and chaotic lifestyle the family have. I discussed this with Dd, but I respect her decisions to chose her own friends, and I think that it’s good to mix with a variety of types of people.
Strange things continue to happen, such as the boyfriend sleeping in his car outside the house all night, and him continually trying to get her to move in with him....
A few weeks ago the boyfriend had a couple of “seizures” at work. No previous history of things like that. He was blue lighted to hospital on both occasions, but nothing has shown up on any tests yet. I strongly suspect that these seizures were faked, due to the timings of them (both at the start of dd’s half term / end of term), so I think he had thoughts of her spending time with him, and he also wanted to “test” to see if she would accompany him to hospital. He is very needy.
After these episodes, we spoke to Dd about not travelling in his car, as he would not be insured until the reasons for his seizures have been fully investigated. She promised she wouldn’t.
Last Sunday, she was caught by chance getting into his car, by her step father. He sent him on his way and sent Dd into the house. I decided to drive to the boyfriends house to try to explain our reasons. I have been driving the pair of them about myself, and driving Dd to his house, and she’s got the bus on occasion, so this was not a way of getting them to stop seeing each other.
Once I arrived at the house, I had barely started talking and I was being called by my husband to return home immediately. The boyfriend and one of his sisters were standing in the street outside our home screaming that our Dd was being held against her will, they were concerned for her safety and the police had been called. He then calls again, saying that they were shouting out that my husband had abused my daughter.....
I get home, husband had managed to get rid of them, and they were sitting having a calm conversation. The abuse thing was an utter lie, which Dd had confided into the sister in. The only truthful aspect of it was when she asked my husband if her backside looked big in some leggings she wore, he commented that it looked big. I KNOW this was an inappropriate response, it was several months ago, and it does not constitute sexual abuse. The police came round, we’re surprised to see us having a calm chat, rather than having her tied up somewhere. They told us the family were “known” and they had a fondness for calling ambulances and the police on a regular basis. Part of the conversation involved moving forward, and it was agreed that Dd should go and spend time with her dad.
After the police had gone, my husband broke down and sobbed. He was distraught that the girl he has loved and bought up from 4 could make these allegations, and probably did so in order to get her own way. She was told she was loved, but all need some time.
She has now been with her dad for a week. It’s been the worst week of both our lives. He has a job which means he is away 3-4 nights a week, and his girlfriend, although lovely, is not sure she can deal with my Dd. It is an hour bus ride to school (but her dad has been driving her in) but she feels isolated from her friends. I am not too bothered about the fact that she’s had a miserable week, she made up a malicious sexual abuse allegation, for which she needs to see the consequences of.
There is no way she can return home here for a while. The police, her school, and social services (who closed the case after a five minute call) all agree that she needs to be away from her step dad for a period of time.
We are therefore stuck. Obviously she wants to live with the boyfriend which won’t happen, and even she recognises that it would not be good in the long run. She has managed to alienate a lot of her friends due to attention seeking behaviour since being with the boy, so she can’t stay with them.
My brother works in an international boarding school in Denmark, and has offered to proxy-parent her if she were to attend. I’ve mentioned the prospect to her and she seems keen. She loves new experiences, and she feels that she could “start afresh”. Although she would “lose” her first year of A levels, she would instead study the IB, an alternative, which would in fact open more doors for her. Family travel to Denmark often, and we live very close to an airport with cheap flights, so she could return home twice monthly if she wanted to.
I just don’t know what to do? She’s a lovely girl, whom I tell daily that I love, but she has lost her way. Strangely, it does not seem to bother her being away from the boyfriend in order to go to Denmark, but she desperately does not want to change schools to one nearer her dad.
Thank you for reading. I feel utterly utterly shit.