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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and about to overshadow SIL's pregnancy announcement?

103 replies

Upsidedownandinsideout · 02/03/2018 22:58

SIL as I get on well though we don't know each other all that well (live in different towns, and she is a very private person).
She told DH once that they have been trying for 4 years and much heartache to get pregnant. She's now messaged the family WhatsApp (our main way to communicate, as most are overseas) to announce that she's 9 weeks along with her first pregnancy, and is visiting us on Saturday, I think because she is very excited and wants to talk. We are also thrilled and very happy to hear all about it!

Thing is... I am now 13 weeks pregnant with an unexpected DC4. We hadn't said anything until the scan, but were also planning to message family this weekend.

DH says it feels dishonest to hear her talk about pregnancy and keep quiet, only to reveal a week later, and she'll be the focus anyway in the circumstances. All true, but after so long I don't want to take anything away from her moment.

WIBU to tell her when she visits this weekend, in a low key way, and announce to the family? Or should I wait until a week or 2 after?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 02/03/2018 22:59

Just wait a couple of weeks.

isthismummy · 02/03/2018 23:01

Wait a couple of weeks. This will be such a huge thing for her. Be kind and don't overshadow itSmile

NapQueen · 02/03/2018 23:02

Tbh id wait til a week after her 12wk scan to tell that side.

You could always tell your own side of the family sooner. If they dont cros paths typically of course.

LemonSqueezy0 · 02/03/2018 23:04

Yes, wait a few weeks so she can enjoy this attention and exciting time , and then announce, so she gets to enjoy it with you afterwards. It's no skin off your nose to wait, so please be kind....

sleepinggiraffe · 02/03/2018 23:04

Definitely wait.

From someone whose suffered infertility.

Don't overshadow her miracle... with the 4th one you've been blessed with.

She'll be delighted for you and probably excited to share pregnancies but let her have her moment before you announce

Allthecoolkids · 02/03/2018 23:05

I’d wait. As long as humanly possible.

DalekDalekDalek · 02/03/2018 23:06

Yeah, just hold off a few weeks and let her have her moment. It sounds like she deserves it.

numptynuts · 02/03/2018 23:06

Awww. Congratulations to you both!

Willswife · 02/03/2018 23:06

I would try and include her (them) in the announcement I think.

After the lovely news that x&y are expecting a baby, we are thrilled to announce that we will be joining them on the journey with a new arrival of our own.

NorthernLurker · 02/03/2018 23:06

Keep quiet.

Willswife · 02/03/2018 23:07

But agree with the others about waiting. Congratulations!

Ski40 · 02/03/2018 23:07

Yes, by all means wait a little and let her enjoy her special moment. If someone did that for me I would really appreciate it as it would make me feel loved and respected. Oh and congratulations 😊

MaisyPops · 02/03/2018 23:09

I'm very much of the view that people get a day (or a weekend if people are staying). It would be unreasonable of anyone to expect others to hang off sharing good news because they want their air time/focus and attention on them.

Don't announce on the weekend they visit but it's fair game after that and you have to do what suits you (otherwise that's how you end up with bizarre threads where couples can't announce an engagement because the groom's brother is planning on asking in 4 weeks time and then they want to tell thr family first at aunty sandra's 60tj party)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/03/2018 23:13

Congratulations 💐

I would wait too, as long as possible. Give her as much ‘limelight’ as I could. As you said yourself, her first v your 4th, they’re naturally going to get a bit better re ‘fuss’, but even so.

There’s no need to feel bad about not ‘sharing’ your news. It’s not as if it’s your first too and you’ve been sharing the difficulty of infertility, then it would be different.

Avasarala · 02/03/2018 23:13

Why don't you tell her when she comes to visit? Take her aside, and say how happy you are but that you also had the same news, tell her how many weeks you are and that you had been waiting till your first scan to say anything and then let her know that you'll tell the rest of the family in a couple,of weeks as right now, it's about her. Then she'll know and won't feel like you're trying to on-uo her with your 4th announcement, but she gets this time with the family to be about her news?

YouTheCat · 02/03/2018 23:15

I'd tell her - not in a big announcement way - just her. Make it clear that you don't want to detract from her lovely news and ask that she keeps the news to herself as you'll make your own announcement in a few weeks because you want her to enjoy all the fuss and congratulations. I say this as she is only 9 weeks on and if something awful was to happen that would make breaking your own news a lot more awkward.

crashbangwhallop · 02/03/2018 23:15

Let her have her weekend and then maybe announce. Nobody is in the wrong here. Congrats on your pregnancy and same to your sil I hope it goes smoothly for both of you

roseannaleeXo · 02/03/2018 23:17

@Willswife spot on for announcement

seems the best politest way good luck and well wishes to you op!

Butterymuffin · 02/03/2018 23:19

As everyone else has said, wait and let her have this weekend as her moment. And tell your DH that it's not dishonest, it's considerate.

incywincybitofa · 02/03/2018 23:19

Are you generally a drinker? Will she notice the lack of coffee soft cheeses wine?
I don't know, don't plan on announcing it yet, but don't plan on telling just let the moment feel right

inniu · 02/03/2018 23:21

I was in this situation. My 4th and SILs long waited for 1st. We said nothing for a few weeks. Then we didn't make a big announcement. Got one of the kids to tell MIL on phone.

Dontoutmenow · 02/03/2018 23:24

I’d be tempted to message back and say snap! Your DC is just as worthy of congrats as hers, however hard or easy your respective journeys have been. Also, you’re likely to be showing if it’s your fourth and you’re already into month four. In her position, I’d feel deceived if I found out later.

Witchend · 02/03/2018 23:25

Why don't you tell her when she comes to visit? Take her aside, and say how happy you are but that you also had the same news, tell her how many weeks you are and that you had been waiting till your first scan to say anything and then let her know that you'll tell the rest of the family in a couple, of weeks as right now, it's about her. Then she'll know and won't feel like you're trying to on-up her with your 4th announcement, but she gets this time with the family to be about her news?

You know her best, but I think this would have been best if it had been my dsis. Because if I hadn't told her, she'd feel that I was trying to hide it, or saving the announcement to pip her.
Also (sorry) if something then happens to her baby before you announce, it would be much worsel to have to tell her then, but you may be beginning to show shortly as it's your 4th.

KERALA1 · 02/03/2018 23:26

I met a woman who said she was at a dinner party with my mother 35 odd years ago and was so excited as just sharing the news of her first pregnancy. This lady subsequently found out my mother also newly pregnant with her third but had said nothing about it. Nearly 40 years later this lady still thought so highly of my mum letting her have her moment.

Original poster
Upsidedownandinsideout · 02/03/2018 23:26

None of us drink, so that helps! I will show this to DH, as evidence that waiting does seem right.

Also a good point from @Youthecat about loss, that isn't something I'd thought about, do see that waiting too long has its own risks. I miscarried twice pre-DCs and would have struggled with an announcement from an overly fertile family member right afterwards.

Maybe tell the weekend after this, messaging her first then the wider family group?
Will still be able to tell my family as they live in a different part of our home country, and will understand keeping it quiet.

OP posts:
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