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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and about to overshadow SIL's pregnancy announcement?

103 replies

Upsidedownandinsideout · 02/03/2018 22:58

SIL as I get on well though we don't know each other all that well (live in different towns, and she is a very private person).
She told DH once that they have been trying for 4 years and much heartache to get pregnant. She's now messaged the family WhatsApp (our main way to communicate, as most are overseas) to announce that she's 9 weeks along with her first pregnancy, and is visiting us on Saturday, I think because she is very excited and wants to talk. We are also thrilled and very happy to hear all about it!

Thing is... I am now 13 weeks pregnant with an unexpected DC4. We hadn't said anything until the scan, but were also planning to message family this weekend.

DH says it feels dishonest to hear her talk about pregnancy and keep quiet, only to reveal a week later, and she'll be the focus anyway in the circumstances. All true, but after so long I don't want to take anything away from her moment.

WIBU to tell her when she visits this weekend, in a low key way, and announce to the family? Or should I wait until a week or 2 after?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 03/03/2018 07:18

I’m surprised by these responses. I’d find it weird if someone didn’t tell me and sat there intending to me harp on

I agree. The bad part of infertility and other people being pregnant is you wanting to be but not being. “Stealing the limelight” just wouldn’t come into my head.

ForalltheSaints · 03/03/2018 07:29

I think you should wait.

CrabappleBiscuit · 03/03/2018 07:29

I’d definitely tell her, just her, quietly, and say you are holding off telling others.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 03/03/2018 07:34

Wait as long as you can. That would be so lovely of you.

We had our one and only meeting with our best man a few weeks before our wedding (he lives overseas, it was a short engagement, so the only time we met them between engagement and wedding). We wanted to be excited and talk through the arrangements. One of the best men’s gf invited herself at the last minute and they announced their engagement. I’m not easily offended or petty but they went so low in my estimation.

zzzzz · 03/03/2018 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FleetwoodSmack · 03/03/2018 07:44

Agree with ThatsWot and Daisies. The idea that you might need to be given time to occupy the ‘limelight’ and soak up attention when you announce a pregnancy, engagement etc — or that anyone else who is newly pregnant or coupled up should keep schtum or risk ‘pipping’ the limelight-occupier’s rights to attention — strikes me as utterly bizarre and juvenile. In fact, I’ve only ever seen that on Mn, the idea that there should be some kind of cordon sanitaire around other people’s ‘announcements’. Other people also have lives that pootle on regardless.

Especially in the circumstances described by the OP, where the SIL’s circle is mostly overseas, so the ‘announcement’ has already happened via a WhatsApp group. Presumably people will text or call to congratulate the SIL, but they won’t be throwing ticker tape parades or doing any more than thinking ‘X is pregnant? Great, she must be pleased’. Any more than anyone really greets the announcement of a fourth baby being imminent with ‘My God, really?’

And especially if the SIL is a very private person, as the OP says, and has made a very early announcement, isn’t it quite likely she wants to avoid undue attention, and would be happy to have another relative pregnant at the same time...?

When I got pregnant for the first time just before I turned 40, it caused huge family surprise, but I would have found it utterly bizarre if my SILs had concealed expecting a third of fourth child in order for me to feel special...?

FleetwoodSmack · 03/03/2018 07:45

Yes, and zzzz’s point.

IrisAtwood · 03/03/2018 07:45

Another vote for holding off on your announcement.

IrisAtwood · 03/03/2018 07:48

Announcing at the same time feels too much like a ‘me rail’.

PurpleDaisies · 03/03/2018 07:48

It would be really intersting to see what people who have actually struggled with infertility think. I don’t think it would go the way this thread has gone.

apostropheuse · 03/03/2018 07:49

I think waiting too long might make it worse if something awful happened before or at her 12 week scan. It would be even more difficult for you to announce another healthy pregnancy then.

I would tell her first and then let the other family members know shortly after that.

You're lovely for wanting to give her her big moment OP, but there's a fine balance between doing that and inadvertently making things worse should anything bad happen. Also, your baby is good news too and shouldn't need to be hidden away. The family will, naturally, be extremely excited for your SIL and BIL regardless.

Congratulations and I hope all goes well!

LivLemler · 03/03/2018 07:50

With regards to her announcing early - she may have already had a scan. If a heartbeat is detected at 8 weeks the charges of miscarriage aren't particularly higher than after a successful 12 week scan, iirc.

I'd take the approach of telling her while she's there but making a big fuss of her news. Maybe not the first night, towards the end of her visit. Then announce in as low key a way as possible to the rest of the family in a few weeks.

MarthasHarbour · 03/03/2018 07:56

I'm with zzzz

We had secondary infertility. When I was eventually Pg with DS2 after almost 4 years TTC I was so grateful to be 'in the club'. It wouldn't have entered my head that someone 'stole the limelight'.

Slartybartfast · 03/03/2018 07:57

if you feel you need to can you tell some of your close family members and tell them not to make a song and dance about it:?
you have been pregnant before, this is her first success after 4 years, she deserves the moment

ittakes2 · 03/03/2018 07:57

I think you should tell her quietly when you see her - she’ll feel a fool when you reveal your news in a few weeks time if you don’t. She’ll wonder why she was excitedly telling you everything while you kept this secret from her. Just wait a few weeks after her announcement to make it common knowledge.

CiderwithBuda · 03/03/2018 07:58

I like the suggestions of quietly telling her on her own and saying that you aren’t telling people yet.

Having suffered infertility too it makes you feel so out of things and feeling I had been kept out whether kindly meant or not made it worse.

I had a similar situation- I had ivf and Was in a close friendship group with some who had DCs and some who were pg. At a stage when I wasn’t sure my pregnancy was safe due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy a friend discovered she was expecting her third. She emailed me to let me know before announcing generally and I really appreciated it.

If you were less far along than her I would advise keeping quiet but you are four weeks ahead. She will know that you know you are pg. I would have hated to come visit and be all excited and chatting about my baby and then later realise that you were pg too. I would have felt patronised tbh.

DragonflyInn · 03/03/2018 07:58

I had almost exactly this scenario, except I was your SIL.

She and BIL held off for a few weeks and although it made me feel a bit odd when they did tell us, I never felt they'd been dishonest. Just loved them to bits because they'd been so thoughtful.

BTW I would've been fine if they said at the same time we broke our news, but feel how they did it was really kind.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/03/2018 07:58

I don’t understand this ‘stealing the limelight’

I finally fell preg after 10trs ttc and 5 private ivf. I was over the moon

But also sussed out my friend was preg 6w after me and she said she didn’t want to say anything coz of my news

IMHO that’s silly

I was overjoyed she was preg with no 2- and that the babies they are friends of 4w apart

Was also very happy to find our other friends preg due a few wwwks after me

Maybe I’m different from others but someone else being preg didn’t and couldn’t possibly take anything away from me finally being preg

So I would say to sil alone that you are preg. Few weeks on from her but didn’t Want to tell anyone till you had the 12w scan

Hopefully nothing will go wrong for her but if it did and you hadn’t told her - it’s a lot harder to thensay actually I’m 4mrhs preg

Then tell rest Of family

MarthasHarbour · 03/03/2018 08:00

Indeed purple daisies we crossed posts above

ittakes2 · 03/03/2018 08:02

Can I just add, after a few years of infertility we fell pregnant through ivf (first grandchild/ren) and on the way to my 12 week scan my brother’nlaw rang to say his girlfriend of 3 months had accidentally fallen pregnant and was due before me. I was not upset at all - in fact the opposite - we were all delighted to have cousins the same age.

PurpleDaisies · 03/03/2018 08:03

Maybe I’m different from others but someone else being preg didn’t and couldn’t possibly take anything away from me finally being pregnant

I don’t think this is usual at all.

Op listen to the people who have been in this situation, not the ones who are trying to imagine what it would be like.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/03/2018 08:04

I don't think it's dishonest to wait before you tell anyone. It's what people do, isn't it. Of course you're further along, so you'd be "safer" to tell people now - but under the circs I just wouldn't, I'd wait until your SIL has had her proud reveal moment - she's waited long enough for it!

Don't piggyback onto her announcement either - that's not reasonable, that's only giving her a couple of minutes at most to enjoy the limelight.

However, there is merit in the suggestion that you let her know privately that you are also pg, if you can do that.

MaisyPops · 03/03/2018 08:08

The idea that you might need to be given time to occupy the ‘limelight’ and soak up attention when you announce a pregnancy, engagement etc — or that anyone else who is newly pregnant or coupled up should keep schtum or risk ‘pipping’ the limelight-occupier’s rights to attention — strikes me as utterly bizarre and juvenile. In fact, I’ve only ever seen that on Mn, the idea that there should be some kind of cordon sanitaire around other people’s ‘announcements’.
Same.
Don't get me wrong, I get a little space like 'don't announce a pregnancy at a wedding' / 'avoid doing an announcement 10 mins after someonr else'. But people on here are seriously suggesting holding off for another month to fit in with someone else's 12 week scan. Bizarre.

Kahlua4me · 03/03/2018 08:18

I think I would tell her when she is with you this weekend and then on the family what’s app at a later date.

Perhaps more along the lines of how wonderful to be on the journey with you and the babies can grow up together etc etc . I wouldn’t say that you were waiting for your 12 week scan before telling others as she hasn’t waited for that so might feel you are having a dig....

Congratulations to you both

TheLastUNIC0RN · 03/03/2018 08:18

I've just found out yesterday I am pregnant through ivf after 4 years TTC and 4 miscarriages. Too early yet for me to be telling people, but when I do if I thought I was babbling on to someone excitedly, then found out a few weeks later they were pregnant too and didn't want to say I'd feel a bit silly to be honest. And like someone else said upthread, a bit patronised!
OP you sound lovely and your intentions are in the right place, but I am firmly in the tell her now camp.
Congratulations

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