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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and about to overshadow SIL's pregnancy announcement?

103 replies

Upsidedownandinsideout · 02/03/2018 22:58

SIL as I get on well though we don't know each other all that well (live in different towns, and she is a very private person).
She told DH once that they have been trying for 4 years and much heartache to get pregnant. She's now messaged the family WhatsApp (our main way to communicate, as most are overseas) to announce that she's 9 weeks along with her first pregnancy, and is visiting us on Saturday, I think because she is very excited and wants to talk. We are also thrilled and very happy to hear all about it!

Thing is... I am now 13 weeks pregnant with an unexpected DC4. We hadn't said anything until the scan, but were also planning to message family this weekend.

DH says it feels dishonest to hear her talk about pregnancy and keep quiet, only to reveal a week later, and she'll be the focus anyway in the circumstances. All true, but after so long I don't want to take anything away from her moment.

WIBU to tell her when she visits this weekend, in a low key way, and announce to the family? Or should I wait until a week or 2 after?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/03/2018 23:27

let her have her moment...... Flowers

ChasedByBees · 02/03/2018 23:36

I agree with telling her and only her for the reasons others have said.

OhCalamity · 02/03/2018 23:45

Let her have her moment and the fuss. You could tell people individually quietly so there's no big announcement or fuss. But if you do it that way, tell her quietly first and give her a few days before you tell others.

It may be that she'd be delighted to hear you are pregnant at the same time as her, and now that she's finally got her miracle she can find the joy in another announcement.

You know her best though.

GreatFuckability · 02/03/2018 23:54

i had a similiar situation with my best friend who was pregnant with her first at the same time i found out i was unexpectedly having my 3rd. I didn't say anything for a few weeks, so she had some time to be the centre of attention. she told me afterwards that she appreciated it. our girls were born on the same day are are still best friends 10 years later.

zzzzz · 03/03/2018 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 03/03/2018 00:07

Let her have her moment.

Wait atleast a couple of weeks. U can tell your family.

Solo · 03/03/2018 00:07

Avasarala "Why don't you tell her when she comes to visit? Take her aside, and say how happy you are but that you also had the same news, tell her how many weeks you are and that you had been waiting till your first scan to say anything and then let her know that you'll tell the rest of the family in a couple,of weeks as right now, it's about her. Then she'll know and won't feel like you're trying to on-uo her with your 4th announcement, but she gets this time with the family to be about her news?"

This is what I think I'd do. Congrats! :)

AgnesBrownsCat · 03/03/2018 01:10

YOu sound lovely . Please wait ! She will appreciate it more than you can ever imagine . Congratulations on your pregnancy .

GrockleBocs · 03/03/2018 01:21

Tell her to one side that you're brewing a cousin of the same age but you absolutely want her to be the centre of attention with her baby and you'll step back because you did the first time mum. Wish her well and offer no advice!

manilaIce · 03/03/2018 01:35

Infertility has nothing to do with it, i Don't think. She's having her first though and was the first to announce it so you should wait a few weeks and let her have her moment.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/03/2018 02:08

I kind of see your DH's point that it would feel fake to not let her know when she visits. But I also see it as stealing her thunder a bit. I would probably tell her, privately, after she's visited and then wait a few weeks to let everyone else know.

Desperatelyseekingsun · 03/03/2018 02:25

Just wanted to say that you sound great OP and really caring.

BirdInTheRoom · 03/03/2018 05:31

I would tell her when she comes to visit, before telling anyone else. I think it would seem deceitful of you not to mention it to her while she was there.

I would then tell the rest of the family individually rather than make a big announcement on WhatsApp - as that seems to be courting attention & fuss.

Italiangreyhound · 03/03/2018 05:51

Just wait.

ivykaty44 · 03/03/2018 05:55

I’d tell her when you see her in a low key way, then say you think it’s best if you wait a week or so before announcing to everyone your pg as you want her to be center if attention

AvoidingDM · 03/03/2018 05:58

I'd keep quiet for a few weeks / as long as possible. Let them have their moment. It's likely to be their only child.

4 years TTC trying not to have your life on hold is tough with many ups and downs. She may even have cried in secret when you have announced pregnancies before.

Flywheel · 03/03/2018 06:11

Tell her. Her alone. And don't tell her you don't want to steal her thunder. That would be really patronising, as would listening to her gush about her pregnancy while you sit there a month further along, saying nothing.
As others have suggested, a quiet word when she arrives and just say you were planning to tell the family in a couple of weeks. She'll probably guess you are holding off for her sake but you dont have to draw her attention to it.

GeekyWombat · 03/03/2018 06:24

I’d wait. Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

givemesteel · 03/03/2018 06:47

Definitely wait. It will be hard anyway for her that you've already conceived 3 dc without any problems (though I'm sure she dues the resent you).

As someone who had fertility problems I always got more upset about the 'ooops I'm pregnant again' accidents. The whole getting pregnant without trying thing is sooo difficult when it's been a struggle for you.

She's only 9 weeks along (at the very least after her 12 week scan), anything could happen, I would try and wait until she's as far along as possible then hopefully once both your pregnancies look viable I'm sure she'll be really happy you'll have a baby at a similar time.

givemesteel · 03/03/2018 06:47

*doesn't resent you

NotAgainYoda · 03/03/2018 06:59

I'd wait, but it's possible someone will notice

As an aside, they are announcing pretty early.. I guess too excited to hold it in.

babybobobear · 03/03/2018 06:59

I'd definitely wait

KittyVonCatsington · 03/03/2018 07:05

Maybe tell the weekend after this, messaging her first then the wider family group?

Actually? I’d wait as others have said, until after her 12 week scan. She will likely be a little less anxious then about anything going wrong and will know if everything is reasonably healthy (as much as you can before 20 weeks anyway!)
That may also be when she ‘tells the world’ and would be lovey if you to let her ace that moment too.

Do you think you could wait 3 weeks to announce?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 03/03/2018 07:08

I’m surprised by these responses. I’d find it weird if someone didn’t tell me and sat there intending to me harp on. I have no want for the ‘limelight’ in any situation though and find the idea that someone’s baby/wedding/birthday means they have to have a lot of fuss very odd.

LeighaJ · 03/03/2018 07:08

If it was me, I'd wait. I don't think it's dishonest given the circumstances, I think it's really considerate of you to want to let her have her happy moment.