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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and about to overshadow SIL's pregnancy announcement?

103 replies

Upsidedownandinsideout · 02/03/2018 22:58

SIL as I get on well though we don't know each other all that well (live in different towns, and she is a very private person).
She told DH once that they have been trying for 4 years and much heartache to get pregnant. She's now messaged the family WhatsApp (our main way to communicate, as most are overseas) to announce that she's 9 weeks along with her first pregnancy, and is visiting us on Saturday, I think because she is very excited and wants to talk. We are also thrilled and very happy to hear all about it!

Thing is... I am now 13 weeks pregnant with an unexpected DC4. We hadn't said anything until the scan, but were also planning to message family this weekend.

DH says it feels dishonest to hear her talk about pregnancy and keep quiet, only to reveal a week later, and she'll be the focus anyway in the circumstances. All true, but after so long I don't want to take anything away from her moment.

WIBU to tell her when she visits this weekend, in a low key way, and announce to the family? Or should I wait until a week or 2 after?

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsington · 03/03/2018 08:20

It would be really intersting to see what people who have actually struggled with infertility think. I don’t think it would go the way this thread has gone.

I have struggled with infertility and am currently struggling with secondary infertility (a year and a bit after losing twins)

I still think the OP would be kind to wait.

Chienrouge · 03/03/2018 08:28

It took a very very long time to conceive our first. All that time, all I wanted was to be pregnant. I didn’t want any ‘limelight’.
I’d have felt a bit silly if I’d been to visit someone and had been excitedly talking about my pregnancy, only to find out a few months later that they’d also been pregnant and had wanted to give me the limelight. I’d feel a bit... infantilised and patronised.

poobumwee · 03/03/2018 08:37

Congrats!

It's lovely you are being so sensitive to your SIL.

As you suggest. I would wait to announce your news and if anyone should ask why you waited, I would just be honest and say you wanted the focus to be on your SIL's news.

londonrach · 03/03/2018 08:43

Congratulations. Please please wait. After this weekend quietly tell her first (next weekend) then the rest of the family. Dont take this amazing time off her. What a lovely thing two cousins same age!

Misscheifmaker · 03/03/2018 08:58

It took me four years and ivf to get mine. As others have said it's not about others being pregnant but the fact I couldn't. Yes announcements made me sad but not for them just for me and my own situation. I was always happy for them, although jealous. But what hurt more than anything was people lying/keeping me in the dark about their own announcements. And this time it won't hurt as she will have her own exciting news.

it's a very special time for her, but equally for you. Tell her, sensitively and quietly but do tell her, hold off the announcement to the rest but do let her know. I would have hated that you hadn't been able to say and that you were weeks ahead.

It won't be such a shock afterwards when you do announce and she'll know you didn't tell her.

Congratulations on your equally special number 4.

whoareyoukidding · 03/03/2018 09:07

What a lovely thoughtful person you are, OP.

CandleWithHair · 03/03/2018 09:07

Firstly, OP you are a lovely person for giving so much consideration to your SIL - most wouldn’t!

I agree with most PPs, I don’t see a need for you to delay your announcement unduly especially as she’s already made hers. I would do as many have suggested tho and from that side of your family, tell HER first, I think she’ll appreciate that. I know I would, as someone with infertility.

Yes there is a risk as she’s only 9 weeks, but your baby is coming regardless and the timing of an announcement isn’t going to do anything to influence your SILs own pregnancy.

Congratulations to both of you! Flowers

Allthewaves · 03/03/2018 09:11

Will you be able hide it. At 10 wks with dc3 there was no hiding it

eurochick · 03/03/2018 09:14

I agree with telling her but not making a wider announcement just yet. In her shoes I'd have felt like a fool when I eventually found out about you if you'd let me blather on about my pregnancy without saying anything.

From someone who took three years ttc.

rocketgirl22 · 03/03/2018 09:18

Wait, let her enjoy this moment.

Announce your pregnancy in a few weeks. Congratulations!! Flowers

cordelia16 · 03/03/2018 09:22

I wouldn't even tell her yet tbh. Let her have her wonderful moment for the whole weekend/a few weeks. Let her bask in the attention and knowledge, even in her own mind, that she is doing something extraordinary by having this baby.

Because for me, it's not about the announcement to the wider family, it's about allowing her to feel happy for herself and her DH. If you tell her now, she'll still feel whatever she's going to feel about your being pregnant with your 4th while she's struggled to get pregnant once.

A few weeks of keeping it to yourselves won't matter in the grand scheme. But it could matter to SIL for a lot longer.

Anyway, congrats to you both! Flowers

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 03/03/2018 09:24

Personally I would wait and let her have her moment

The other thing I would be wary of is if your kids already know they may let slip!

QuantumPixies · 03/03/2018 09:27

it's about allowing her to feel happy for herself and her DH. If you tell her now, she'll still feel whatever she's going to feel about your being pregnant with your 4th while she's struggled to get pregnant once.

But she is pregnant now. There isn’t going to be that jealousy any more. That’s what’s difficult about pregnancy announcements when you are struggling. You want to be pregnant but aren’t. That’s not the situation here.

roundaboutthetown · 03/03/2018 09:30

It's a tricky one. I wouldn't announce to the whole family, yet. I'm not sure about sil and whether or not to let her know or, eg, pretend you didn't realise until late on because you weren't expecting it. It depends on your relationship with her and her personality. I would probably be inclined to keep quiet and let her have her moment, as it is such a big news for her. The real problem is she is 9 weeks pregnant only. If her pregnancy ends in miscarriage before her 12 week scan, your current pregnancy may be particularly painful for her regardless, as it will be progressing as hers should have done if life were fair. So a situation you need to handle with care!!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/03/2018 09:43

I wondered whether she might have already had a scan because of the ivf.

I took a long time to conceive DC1. I was pregnant but not ready to announce when my sister said she was pregnant (very quickly) with DC2. I did feel a moment of having my thunder stolen. I told her, because not telling her would have felt like lying. Sadly she later miscarried.

Recently a colleague told me she was 8 weeks pregnant through ivf. I was at that stage 11 weeks but not announcing. I told her a few weeks later. A few weeks after that she miscarried. I would have felt worse having to tell her after the event.

I agree with others who suggest that you tell her when you see her. Perhaps on the last day. I think you can say you’re not ready to announce yet, but preferred to tell her in person. I wouldn’t tell her it’s an accident. I always think it’s a bit mean to people who can’t accidentally get pregnant and later to children who know they weren’t initially planned, however loved they are later.

YimminiYoudar · 03/03/2018 09:45

Tell her completely privately that you'll be supplying a cousin of similar age but that you will be keeping the news secret from the wider family for a few more weeks because you don't want anyone distracted from her her amazing news. Then change the subject so that it doesn't start being all about you.

skippykips · 03/03/2018 10:39

Agree with @YimminiYoudar

cordelia16 · 03/03/2018 11:30

But she is pregnant now. There isn’t going to be that jealousy any more. That’s what’s difficult about pregnancy announcements when you are struggling. You want to be pregnant but aren’t. That’s not the situation here.

I definitely agree. But 9 weeks is still early days. (I had a miscarriage 1 day before 12 weeks.) I know that's not relevant here, as OP is already pregnant and will continue being pregnant, no matter the outcome of SIL's pregnancy, but I'm really just suggesting delaying telling her until after the weekend. To let SIL get all the excitement for once, even within herself.

Obvs only OP knows the family dynamics and how SIL would react to the news. Was just giving my view, as someone who went through something similar with my sister (I was the OP in this case).

Garmadonsmum · 03/03/2018 17:38

Completely disagree re the "no more jealousy". Even with you both pg, she will still view you as someone who managed this easily and with no trauma. And you are still further along than she is!

AvoidingDM · 03/03/2018 17:49

I'd also disagree with the no more jealousy comment. I'd also disagree that the op will know how SIL will react to the news.

Nobody can ever know how somebody else really feels. The front that's shown to the world isn't necessarily what is going on inside.

Keep your news op. Let her feel ultra special for a couple of weeks.

LemonysSnicket · 03/03/2018 20:42

Wait

Original poster
Upsidedownandinsideout · 06/03/2018 22:28

Wanted to come back and update! We had a lovely day and focussed it on them - then we were chatting before we went to drop them off at the station and she very sweetly kept trying to turn to conversation back to us and asking about my pregnancies, and as much as we tried to turn it back to her, she was keen to ask a lot of questions. That was the point where I finally started to agree with my husband that it was less like keeping it quiet and more like being dishonest. As we got into the car I quietly told her that her baby would have a close cousin. She was so sweet and grinned and ran to fetch her DH and said how lovely for the kids. Hopefully she meant it all, but she at least looked happy!
Hopefully all well and am very excited for babies together 😊

OP posts:
fabulous01 · 06/03/2018 22:41

I would message her separately and tell her and ask what she thinks

Reason being is that she is 9 weeks and that is early. If god forbid something goes wrong with her that will be heartbreaking. This way she can know your news and let her adjust. Odds on she will be delighted and want to talk about your news too and plan for the new additions

seizethecuttlefish · 06/03/2018 22:42

My amazing sister waited to announce her second pregnancy as she didn't want to take the shine off mine. She told us all after my ds was born. She was 5 months along. While I wouldn't expect anyone to keep it quiet so long, I always thought it was a lovely thing to do. Either that or I'm really an absolute cow and she was scared of me....mmmm. I'd keep it quiet a couple of weeks, at least. If you can.

YimminiYoudar · 06/03/2018 22:44

Thank you for the update. Good luck to both of you for your pregnancies.