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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can he not want to see his baby

148 replies

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 11:03

Left H mid January because I was really unhappy with him working away all the time. Moved in with my parents to get some support. DD is 7 months now.

He is welcome any time, but only sees her when he dosent have work. He has work 2 weeks straight so won't be seeing her for at least that long. I just don't get it! If I go out for the day I MISS her, 2 weeks would be awful. AIBU to want to shake him?

OP posts:

pallisers · 02/03/2018 17:58

It is kind of scary that many of the women posting on here things like "hey princess why should he change his life, suck it up he is THE MAN and therefore THE SPECIAL PROVIDER - whether he provides anything at all" are quite possibly rearing sons.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 17:59

But common sense should tell you. If one parent is out of the house 6 am - 6 pm every day and the other parent works away for two weeks they are going to have childcare problems unless they have a live in nanny who is unlikely to do such long hours anyway. This should all have been thought through before you went back to work and planned for.

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/03/2018 18:01

He could drop by and see her for an hour or two after he finishes work surely!

CobraKai · 02/03/2018 18:03

I don't think it's a case of that. More - you had a baby with an admitted workaholic only expecting him to work 6 instead of 7 days a week which he didn't manage and so you left and now you're surprised he isn't working less to see the child more and you think he's a dick because of it.

I don't see the surprise.

RadioGaGoo · 02/03/2018 18:09

@lifebegins Are you saying it's common sense to believe that Yellow's summary is how MN thinks?

I don't think like that at all. I'm part of MN. Yellow doesn't speak for me.

AngelsSins · 02/03/2018 18:15

*Your DH has a job which involves working away and working long hours. I don't think he sat down and thought how can I avoid seeing my DD. I know I'll get a job which involves working away. Did he have this job before you had your DD. I know you said that he said he would go down to 6 days but maybe he couldn't.

You are the one who moved away and made it even more difficult for him to see his DD. And yet he is getting all the blame.*

So he had no responsibility at all to sit down and think as to if he had time to be a parent before he decided to go ahead and have a baby? And it's fine for him, being SELF EMPLOYED, to say he'd cut down to 6 days per week and then not do it? It is fine for him to shirk ALL parenting and leave it to his partner who WORKS FULL TIME? In your world, do men never have to accept responsibility for their choices?

Teateaandmoretea · 02/03/2018 18:27

pallisers

Isn't it just? I really think that the advertising of MN via the daily mail has led to some utter twats setting up accounts.

This thread is like being transported back to the 70s.

namechange012 · 02/03/2018 18:30

OP I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on this thread at all. Everyone has choices in life, yes, it's true, some more than others, but we all do have some degree of choice as adults and the OP has merely said she thinks in choosing to prioritise work that her ex has made the wrong one. It's a perfectly valid opinion. Yes you need money to put food on the table, but OP is already working too and it doesn't sound like he's made this choice out of necessity. I have no idea why it's controversial for a mother to expect the father of her child to want to be involved in its life. It makes me so sad to read that people not only think that it's ok for a dad to opt out if the reason is work, but that it's something that should be applauded in a man. I want my kids to love their dad and I want them to know that he would give up everything in a heartbeat for them. At the end of the day OP he will miss out and probably come to regret it. Now they're older both my dad and FIL have some regrets about what they missed of us as kids and me and DH are puzzled by the choices they made to be honest. It got them a bit more money, but they really did miss so much. YANBU.

Drainedandconfused · 02/03/2018 18:35

This thread is horrible, why are some of you so nasty, there's really no need. The op sounds frustrated and I don't blame her, he agreed to work 6 days instead of 7 and backed out of the agreement. Everything is left to op.
What exactly is wrong with asking for parental support, it hardly makes her a princess for gods sake.
He is not in the army, she is not an army wife, women choose to marry into that way of life and know what it entails, it has no bearing on the ops situation.
I don't buy that men are just not into babies either, it's more like some men do not take responsibility for the little life that they agreed to create with their partner.

SM2132 · 02/03/2018 18:38

It must be hard OP, working full time and looking after your dd on your own. I know you have your parents there but I imagine that comes with its own stresses and problems at times if you were used to having your own space.
I would feel sad if my DH didn't see us for days and days on end if he had the opportunity to.
Are you benefitting from the long hours he is doing? Is he paying a fair amount of maintenance?

Original poster

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 19:27

SM212 he pays the minimum roughly on time if that counts as "a fair amount of maintenance" but it's not exactly a lot of money and requires a bit of nagging on my part.

He would be quick to point out that I did leave him with all the bills that we used to pay together so his outgoings are high whilst mine have gone down quite a bit living with my parents (And I would be quick to point out i did give him 2 months notice I was leaving)

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 21:33

You sound very detached from the relationship with your ex. As if he has just been cast aside like an old dishrag. Have you ever thought he might not have wanted his family to split up because he had a job whose hours didn't suit you. You gave him two months notice. Oh well that's ok then.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 02/03/2018 21:37

Isn't it just? I really think that the advertising of MN via the daily mail has led to some utter twats setting up accounts.

Ah, suddenly the comments on this thread make much more sense.

Lilymossflower · 02/03/2018 21:46

I guess the guy just sometimes doesn't have the same bond :S I mean the baby didn't grow in there tummy, they just often don't understand. Weird for us to understand tho.
I think the guy often develops the bond with the kid by interacting with them when there older, than automatically loving them eternally from the moment of conception as women often do. I can only guess it's cause we grow them In our belly's and they dont

Usernom1234567890 · 02/03/2018 22:14

Viviennemary
Detaching from a relationship-that's what women tend to do when they've been let down by their OH. Not that surprising surely?

pallisers · 02/03/2018 22:59

You sound very detached from the relationship with your ex. As if he has just been cast aside like an old dishrag.

Yeah, OP. Did you not get the proper behaviour memo? You were supposed to put up with any old shit because he is a man. Sheesh OP, I'm beginning to think you are going to be one of those insane women who insist on putting themselves first instead of their man. Are you by any chance a feminist? That might explain why you are getting it so wrong here.

NordicNobody · 02/03/2018 23:00

Have you ever thought he might not have wanted his family to split up because he had a job whose hours didn't suit you.

Oh I'm sure he didn't, I'm very sure he didn't. I'm sure that he wanted to carry on working whatever hours suited him, doing whatever he pleased, regardless of the fact his wife was being brought to the verge of ill health by it, and still have her wait around for him without making a fuss. Yup, I'm sure that's exactly what he wanted. Too bad you don't get to be a selfish asshole if you want to be part of a family. In the real world adults make choices. He might have wanted his long hours and his family, but in reality he had to chose, and he chose his job. That's his right if that's his priority, and op has every right to leave him for it.

downthestrada · 02/03/2018 23:05

You sound very detached from the relationship with your ex. Was he not the one who started detaching by insisting on working 7 days a week when he didn’t need to (OP was earning a better wage).

How on earth can the OP be blamed for sounding detached in this situation?

pallisers · 02/03/2018 23:12

There is a bit of me feeling sad for so many of the posters on this thread. Imagine if you put up with any old shit all your married life, accepted that your husband wasn't bothered if he saw his children or not, accepted that the baby was entirely your responsibility, accepted that his job was more important even though you are also earning, accepted that he didn't help you at all ... you might be bewildered at a woman who doesn't accept any of this and expects more for her life.

Original poster

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 23:18

Thanks @NordicNobody you've summed up my view perfectly. I was hoping that he might put his child first even if he couldn't do it for his wife but apparently not.

And yes after trying everything i could I have given up on my marriage, but given that he has tried fuck all before giving up I refuse to be the bad guy.

OP posts:

YellowMakesMeSmile · 03/03/2018 08:34

It's a good job he didnt cut his hours or lose any clients now that he has to support a household on his own. We advise women not to give up their financial independence in case the relationship breaks down so he was wise to keep his income stream open.

Given the baby is still so young and the OP left so soon and is so detached, from an outsiders point of view there doesn't seem to have been much working on the issues but more I got what i wanted i.e. a baby.

Onedaynamechange · 03/03/2018 08:43

I think some people just don't read their thread properly before they post 🙄 Sorry you're going through this. As other posters have said, he hasn't made the time to see the baby when you lived together so he's unlikely to start making time now. It's him that's missing out sadly. My DH wasn't really confident with babies and worked long hours when they were small, so he didn't have the same bond with them that I did. As they grew and started walking/talking etc he did more with them and so their bond grew. This isn't likely to happen with your DH so I think you have to accept it and just concentrate on enjoying her and moving on with your life.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/03/2018 09:12

Gawd yellow you're a trier aren't you? I have never, ever read a thread where a woman has been advised to work 7 days a week and dump all of her parental responsibility onto her partner who also world's full time to maintain financial independence. If you know differently then please enlighten us.

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