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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can he not want to see his baby

148 replies

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 11:03

Left H mid January because I was really unhappy with him working away all the time. Moved in with my parents to get some support. DD is 7 months now.

He is welcome any time, but only sees her when he dosent have work. He has work 2 weeks straight so won't be seeing her for at least that long. I just don't get it! If I go out for the day I MISS her, 2 weeks would be awful. AIBU to want to shake him?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 02/03/2018 11:39

only sees her when he dosent have work

I only see my kids when I don’t have work too. It’s how it works...

I’m assuming as your DD is only 7 months old that he worked away before you had her?

BrendasUmbrella · 02/03/2018 11:40

Strange how you didn't mind taking his child away from him but he's the bad guy for not seeing her whilst working

She could hardly leave the baby behind, could she?

I would assume there were other issues that led to her leaving too. Not everyone gives the entire story up front.

SashaSashays · 02/03/2018 11:42

YABU. Some people show love by doing things, maybe he feels providing for the family and financial security are more important than being there.

My DH has great stress over earning ‘enough’, even though we both earn well and I’ve never asked him to work harder or bring more money in. He grew up being financiall insecure, as did I, and this is how it manifests.

I also think, having been self-employed before, it can be hard to turn work down. You feel if you say no, you won’t get the opportunity again and you live and die often on reputation and reliability.

Lots of people work away, they still love their children but they are providing for them by being at work.

Withhindsight · 02/03/2018 11:43

Ok so he has a choice to work and earn and be around but chooses to work more and be away for 2 week blocks. He doesn't want to be with you both- at the moment- some men go into shock with babies and can't cope with their new lives but don't know how to say it. You need a proper conversation to find out what is going on. It doesn't mean it's all over from the details in your post, you both have work to do to get to the bottom of it. He's likely scared and missing her and feeling useless so has chickens out and run off to do what he knows he can do to make him feel better, for now.

Original poster
Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 11:44

Ah Brenda nail on the head there, I am still waiting on the maintenance but it's only 2 days late so hopefully it will turn up soon. It's also only just over 1 days work so he's not exactly supporting anyone!

We did discuss his work and he agreed to work 6 days a week instead of 7 while she was a baby which obviously went out of the window!

I do have a job as well, and a good one so at the moment I would be doing all the childcare, housework and working full time if I was living with him!

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 02/03/2018 11:45

When DS was 4 I took on which involved massive amounts of travel. I missed him (and DW of course, but that's not the issue here) like hell, but that's the nature of work, isn't it?

upsideup · 02/03/2018 11:48

How far have you moved away to live with your parents OP?

Ca55andraMortmain · 02/03/2018 11:49

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time op. He is able to choose his hours and despite you telling him how much you were struggling with working, providing childcare and doing all housework he still chose to work 7 days a week and never see you or his child. Sounds pretty shitty to me, no wonder you left. I would also be baffled by a father who didn't want to see his child and despite everyone saying that he can't take her to work etc - obviously not but he could choose not to work ridiculous hours and spend time with his DD, his job in itself doesn't dictate his hours like for army husband's/people who work offshore etc.

CotswoldStrife · 02/03/2018 11:49

This sounds familiar - did you go to your family quite a distance away with the baby? So it's not like he has to just walk around the corner to see her?

Sorry OP but I also think YABU. You knew that moving out would not help your DD's relationship with her father and would make it more difficult. To complain about that afterwards is completely unfair. Have you gone back to work then?

Andrewofgg · 02/03/2018 11:49
  • I took on a task

It lasted eight years

Original poster
Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 11:50

About an hour by car insideup.

OP posts:
NordicNobody · 02/03/2018 11:52

I agree with you op. I get loving your job, but if your job requires you to work to the degree that it's completely incompatible with family life (i.e. Leaving the other parent so unsupported that they become ill) then you need to make a choice - change jobs, or risk losing your family. In an ideal work everyone could have their cake and eat it too, but the truth is that if you want to be part of a family you need to make compromises. Its a shame to lose a job you love, but is it worse than losing the people you love? I don't think so, but he obviously does, and I think that's why you're upset, that he cares more about his job than he does about seeing his child or keeping his family together.

OuchBollocks · 02/03/2018 11:52

MN has really changed for the worse. I cannot believe that a working mother who was doing everything by herself when her child's father has voluntarily opted out of family life is getting a pasting for going to get some support and not sticking round to slave after him.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2018 11:52

YABU. Duh.

Idontdowindows · 02/03/2018 11:56

You are not being unreasonable OP.

My father took a job on shore, even though he loved being at sea, so that he could spend time with the family, and even though my mother was used to being a sailor's wife, so she hadn't asked him to do so.

Daddy can arrange his own work hours, but he opted out of the family and left it all to you. And if you have to do it all on your own, you might as well do it all on your own, less stress that way.

Loonoon · 02/03/2018 11:56

Seriously? My DH worked all the hours god sent when DC were little. It was annoying sometimes and I often struggled coping but overall I was grateful he was prepared to put in so much effort to improve our lives.

It sounds as if you are blaming your DHs work patterns for some of the stuff that goes hand in hand with being a new born. It sounds as if there an element of scapegoating here. If he was a good husband otherwise leaving him seems extreme, couldn't you have stayed married but you spent the time he was away staying with your parents for respite?

I don't know what he is supposed to do about seeing your child if he is genuinely working away. If he is self employed it isn't always easy to turn down work as you want to keep up a reputation as being available and reliable.

OuchBollocks · 02/03/2018 11:56

I mean seriously. You're all telling her to stay in a house by herself, doing all her invisible husbands washing and cooking and cleaning and being fucking grateful because he works? When she could stay with her parents and not crack up. She says herself he agreed to take 1 day off a week and reneged. I despair.

NerrSnerr · 02/03/2018 12:00

If he’s an arsehole then of course you’re right in leaving him. If the reason you’ve left him is because he works away then you’re being unreasonable.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 12:01

He is working to provide for you and your child. You are the one who left and split up your family to move in with your parents. So presumably you weren't interested in being a family. I can completely understand his point of view. He only sees her when he's not working. Confused How can he see her when he is working. Honestly OP I think you need a reality check.

Original poster
Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 12:01

To be clear, working away is not a one off its the norm, since I moved in the middle of January he has seen us 5 times! And by seen us I mean 11am-7pm. It would have been the same no matter where I was living except an extra hour for travelling.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 02/03/2018 12:06

If it's the norm you knew it would be like this from the start.

ClaryFray · 02/03/2018 12:09

In the nicest possible way OP, I think you've over reacted. He's working, perhaps he needs the cash. Even more so now you've split. He's working, it's not like he's out pissing it up the wall with his mates. Then I'd have the hump.

Besides standard contact for single dads tends to be every other weekend, maybe the odd day in between but that's the model OST courts work with unless there's other needs ie work.

CotswoldStrife · 02/03/2018 12:10

What were you expecting him to do though, OP? It sounds like you've split up and if you have an hour's travel each way then he's not going to make it down mid-week it would just be the weekends. It's unlikely that you'd be happy to let a baby that young go for an overnight stay with him.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 12:19

It's not really very clear at all. If you have a DH who is in the army say you can't then complain because he isn't there at bedtimes. Didn't you know that he worked away before you decided to have a baby. Moving back in with your parents isn't really an option if you want to stay married. IMHO. Why didn't you realise that if he works away a lot then you'd be left in charge of the household and baby. It's not exactly rocket science.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/03/2018 12:19

MN has really changed for the worse. I cannot believe that a working mother who was doing everything by herself when her child's father has voluntarily opted out of family life is getting a pasting for going to get some support and not sticking round to slave after him.

Yes.

YABU. Duh

Great timing...