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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can he not want to see his baby

148 replies

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 11:03

Left H mid January because I was really unhappy with him working away all the time. Moved in with my parents to get some support. DD is 7 months now.

He is welcome any time, but only sees her when he dosent have work. He has work 2 weeks straight so won't be seeing her for at least that long. I just don't get it! If I go out for the day I MISS her, 2 weeks would be awful. AIBU to want to shake him?

OP posts:

BrendasUmbrella · 02/03/2018 12:21

He's working, perhaps he needs the cash. Even more so now you've split.

Except that in this rather short thread she's pointed out that he chooses to work seven days a week when he does not have to, and chose that when they were together. The fact that he doesn't need to is her main complaint.

Original poster

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 12:23

Alright, it's totally normal for a parent to not see their child for extended periods of time, and just because I wouldn't do it doesnt make him unreasonable.

I have made my bed, DD sees her dad as much as she can, even if that isnt very much. I shall have to give her the best life I can.

I shall have to deal with how pissed off I am .

I suppose I am hurt that I have to make all the sacrifices for DD and his life doesn't have to change at all BUT my life is still better not having to carry him, me, and DD. I'm doing the best with what I've got! And more time with my daughter is certainly great!

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 02/03/2018 12:28

OP the last part of your latest message is a great way to look at things 👍🏽

pallisers · 02/03/2018 12:31

No it isn't normal, OP, and many of the replies on this thread are bizarre at best and nasty at worst.

Most parents want to see their babies and if they could drop a day of work without starving - so work 6 days a week instead of 7, they would just to see their baby.

Your husband has some issues about working or just isn't that into you and the baby - sorry about that. Some men aren't really into babies even if they are their own. You can't presume he loves her the same as you do - although his love for her may grow as she gets older (by then if he has spent no time with her, she won't give a shit about him though). Those wanting to give him a medal and a cup of tea for being "a good provider" and telling you that you knew what you were getting into so how very dare you complain on a parenting website are talking bollocks.

The thing about AIBU is a lot of posters desperately want to take a kick at someone. If your dh had posted, they'd take a kick at him. Since you posted you got the kick. Sorry about that. Hope things improve for you. Good that you have your own job because despite the myth on this thread that your dh is working 24/7 to keep his little princesses, the reality is probably going to be you getting minimum maintenance per the cms.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/03/2018 12:32

Well what's the alternative? He takes her with him to work!?

He gets a new job and starts taking responsibility as a parent? What would you say if it was a woman?

YANBU OP but I doubt he will change.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 12:35

So all men who work away are now labelled as not interested in their children. Nice! I think I need a break from MN. Sometimes it's infuriating.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 02/03/2018 12:38

Perhaps his problem is you. It's not that he doesn't want to see her, but you will be there too - will this lead to tension and arguments. Do you give him a hard time?

Did he even want a child? Did you pressure him into it.

Some men just aren't into babies. She won't know she hasn't seen him.

Nicknacky · 02/03/2018 12:39

Dads can’t win on mumsnet. Work too much and they are shirking responsibilities and obviously don’t want their wife and child or work less and earn less and be called a cocklodger that needs to go out and provide.

I get confused as to what men are supposed to do?

Merrz · 02/03/2018 12:43

I feel for you op must of been really difficult but there are plenty parents who work away for 2/3 weeks at a time (my friends dh works off-shore and has been 2 away/2 home for their entire relationship) it is hard going and i think she sometimes feels like a single parent but she knew that was it before they had dc and she just gets on with it,

Somerville · 02/03/2018 12:44

I feel sorry for your child, OP, but at least she has one parent who balances their responsibilities sensibly to look after her needs and provide. Well done to you.
I'm self employed and turn down work regularly because otherwise I couldn't parent my children properly. I don't understand all the PP's who think its one or the other - unless you've got a child old enough for boarding school (and even then there are holidays to account for) then there is only a certain amount of work a parent can fit in.

Shmithecat · 02/03/2018 12:44

My dbro has been away from his dd for 5-8 weeks at a time. She's 10yo and it's always been like that. He's self employed so technically could choose to work less but if he does, he won't get asked to work in the first place - they'll want someone who they can rely on being available. He's a great dad and his dd absolutely adores him. YABVU.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/03/2018 12:44

Mums can't win on MN more nicknacky.

It isn't the man's responsibility to 'provide' and it isn't the woman's responsibility to parent. Some people do both jointly, some do it differently. But the point is that the OP isn't given a choice in this. The parental responsibilities are being dumped completely on her. If she was OK with that then fine but the point is she isn't as I wouldn't be.

ljny · 02/03/2018 12:46

I suppose I am hurt that I have to make all the sacrifices for DD and his life doesn't have to change at all

This. YANBU

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/03/2018 12:46

He gets a new job and starts taking responsibility as a parent?

Because it's so easy to get another job isn't it?

Somerville · 02/03/2018 12:46

Some men just aren't into babies. She won't know she hasn't seen him.

that's ridiculous. People who aren't into babies to the extent that they won't even see their own should get sterilised. Once you have a child you have a responsibility to both parent them and provide for them. you can't parent them without seeing them.

And she will know she hasn't seen him - she won't develop a relationship with him.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/03/2018 12:47

Because it's so easy to get another job isn't it?

Well most people seem to manage it if they try

Shmithecat · 02/03/2018 12:49

Somerville that total crap. The first year or so of my ds' life, dh saw ds for approximately a week once every 3 months. They have a great bond. Quantity doesn't always equal quality.

downthestrada · 02/03/2018 12:51

OP I don't get why you are getting so much grief. Let me get this right.

he works 7 days a week, had said he would change to 6 so that he could have time with his family, but changed his mind

YANBU. It seems he has prioritised working over spending time with his child. I'm self employed and need to put in work boundaries. It's healthy both for yourself and family.

Now you work full time in a well paid job, so he's not the great provider that everybody is making him out to be. He is contributing like you are.

I completely understand why you are wondering why he doesn't seem to want to see his baby.

Cornishclio · 02/03/2018 12:52

Working hard does not give the OPs husband an opt out from helping out at home both with OP and the baby. Lots of people are self employed and use the flexibility to get more involved with children not less. OP has not mentioned the financial aspect but presumably if she is also working full time and sorting out all the childcare what does the OPs husband do? Does he take on the lions share of the bills or are they split? He could be working full on and gambling and drinking it away when not working. Alternatively he may not be working at all and just using work as an excuse to get out of helping at home. Was having your DD a joint decision or was it not planned?

sallyandherarmy · 02/03/2018 12:55

Blimey. A man that works.

What a novelty that must be for MN.

Sashkin · 02/03/2018 12:56

You weren’t unreasonable to leave him over this - he’s being a shit dad and a shit partner.

But having left him, you were pretty unreasonable to think he’d see her any more now when she lives an hour away than he did when she was right there in his house in front of him. He isn’t going to change, OP.

OpalIridescence · 02/03/2018 12:57

The answers are so strange. Op should be grateful, she pressured him into having a baby, he has postnatal depression and has legged it to work as the poor lamb can't cope. Wtaf???

Op, YANBU i am shocked at the response you have had here.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/03/2018 12:59

Some people are so hooked on their work that they really shouldn't marry and have children. But if such a person is a man, he can get away with it by finding a woman he assumes is sufficiently compliant that he can have the 'wife and children' props in his life, to give him the image of a successful yet respectable Family Man, without doing any of the domestic/parenting/considering other people work that marriage and parenthood involve. Because that's the wife-job.

It sounds a bit like OP's STBXH is one of those. I also wonder if his job is something Important (ie saves lives or makes lots of people's lives better/safer) or if it's something that involves a lot of fun and lavish 'work-related' socialising...

Pinkvoid · 02/03/2018 13:02

If this was the Mother I wonder if people would be saying “well some mums just aren’t into babies, she has to work!”

It isn’t just a baby, it’s HIS CHILD. How horrible to say he might just ‘not be into her’, as if she’s optional in some way...

Original poster

Bryonie2017 · 02/03/2018 13:02

DD was very much planned! I am indeed working full time and we earn about the same amount over the course of the year. I organised childcare myself (my parents have her while a nursery space opens up) although he did come to the nursery visits I organised everything.

When we were together we had family money so we paid everything out of the joint account.

My current job has a 2 hour commute so I have no choice but to find another one, if I didn't have my parents to take her I would have to quit immediately as I leave at 6.30am (obviously I'm looking for a new job)

OP posts:

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